Greg1 Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 I've been unemployed for a long time and my parents have been helping me out. At Christmas Eve dinner we all went out. The server put the check in front of me after dinner and my father made a joke about me not being able to pay it. Almost everyone (my parents, older sister and my one aunt) laughed. It brought back memories of how they used to make fun of my at the dinner table when I was a pre-teen sometimes having to do with my sometimes feminine behavior (I'm gay). Looking back it was almost like I had no respite from bullying, since I went to public school. I wanted to say what I know Stefan would say, you know, the stuff about the groups of painters working on a painting for 20 years and then critizing how it came out. But I'm scared to say things like this to my parents and sister. Any thoughts or advice?
MysterionMuffles Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Really sorry you have to face such humiliation. I would suggest learning how to assert yourself more. In a moment in which that happens, just voice your honest feeling about it. One of a few things will happen: 1. They will disregard your honesty and it'll expose them for the careless people they are. 2. They will apologize for making those kinds of jokes meaning that they know, to some extent, as to why they make certain jokes. 3. The optimal option though is that they would become curious as to why you felt that way and take the time to understand your issues around money. If you get made fun of like that, what would you say if you could just name a feeling it gives you? And which one of these scenarios do you think is most likely to happen when enacted with your family?
aFireInside Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 I think this question is very important ----> How do your parents benefit from you being unemployed ? Usually people can't answer that question because its hidden and invisible to them , while it is obvious to others. Think about that . I think that you should, work on yourself to understand that question . And consider moving out. They may be the problem, that is my suspicion . Why haven't they helped you find what is wrong with you? To me it seems like they may be benefiting in some way . Good parents would have asked whats wrong and tried to help you get a job , or skills that will get you a job . And remember that criticism sometimes is used to make the person critizising feel better about themselves . It is rarely used to help others , because when it is used to help others we wouldn't call it criticism but advice . When i criticizes someone i love I'm very gentile about it and think about it allot before doing it . and they never say i criticizes them they call it advice . I hope this helps . Im so sorry to hear that . : ( , you should be enjoying life
Greg1 Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 Mysterion Muffles: I kind of feel like they would apologize and then I would feel bad. I would say I feel angry and frustrated when they do this, and also guilty. Cynicist: I don't know. I guess I want to defend myself and let them know that I believe I'm in this rut because of their parenting. Ivan: I'm not sure. Maybe they like me this way. Oddly I don't live with them though, they pay for me to live in another city. They say they really want me to get a job. I wonder if I they would secretly hate it if I reached my full potential. Mike: I guess you're saying I should defoo and maybe you're right. I'd have to get my financial situation in order pretty quickly though.
cynicist Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Cynicist: I don't know. I guess I want to defend myself and let them know that I believe I'm in this rut because of their parenting. That's what I had assumed, and I can empathize as someone who has been subject to a lot of bullying/humiliation in my life, but these people are humiliating you for not having a job and simple mannerisms; They do not respect you or sympathize with you as a fellow human being who is not perfect. We all possess qualities that can be mocked but not all of us feel like bringing others down. So why are you around them still? Are you going to dinner with them because you want to or do you feel obligated since they are giving you money?
aFireInside Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Mysterion Muffles: I kind of feel like they would apologize and then I would feel bad. I would say I feel angry and frustrated when they do this, and also guilty. Cynicist: I don't know. I guess I want to defend myself and let them know that I believe I'm in this rut because of their parenting. Ivan: I'm not sure. Maybe they like me this way. Oddly I don't live with them though, they pay for me to live in another city. They say they really want me to get a job. I wonder if I they would secretly hate it if I reached my full potential. Mike: I guess you're saying I should defoo and maybe you're right. I'd have to get my financial situation in order pretty quickly though. Oky, the base of my theory still applies but with this new info i have something else to say . Idk, if you heard this before but they say that you can find out what kind of man someone is by looking at who they marry . So does your dad like surrounding himself with weak people ? Does he enjoy being the dominant one ? How is your mothers character ? So what I'm thinking is that maybe your dad likes feeling superior by surrounding himself to weak people. Therefore he would benefit by you being unemployed and dependent on him . I say this because, why wouldn't they help you ? Its not enough to say get a job . In fact that is kind of an insult . Its obvious that you have a problem and you can't solve it by just saying get a job . The thing that i find weird is why don't they get you a job where they work , or where your aunt works, or where a friend works, or maybe they know someone who can give your a job. Or why don't they really sit down and help you, it sounds like they have the money to do it . Since they can afford to pay for your apartment . Why can they say lets go solve this , lets go to a therapist. come live with us for a couple of months and well get you some therapeutic help . This is just a wild guess.... I hope it helps ... But its hard to really give you help since i don't know your history or family .
MysterionMuffles Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Wild assertion here too...it's like they want you away from them, but not for too long 'cause they need someone to pick on occasionally. I might be completely wrong, I just feel a huge sense of rejection emanating from your situation, that they would pay for you to live elsewhere and not help you find a job.
Marcus Clarke Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Ivan: I'm not sure. Maybe they like me this way. Oddly I don't live with them though, they pay for me to live in another city. They say they really want me to get a job. I wonder if I they would secretly hate it if I reached my full potential. I was just curious why they pay for you to live in another city if you are not employed. Meaning, why would they not just have you live with them to save the money?
NeoEclectic Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Your parents have power over you because they pay for your current living situation. There's only one thing to do to change that. Then maybe you don't have to suffer that kind of indignity anymore unless you needed a free meal because you're too broke to even take care of that.
DaVinci Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 My suggestion would be to become independent of them as soon as possible. I know it is sometimes easier to live a normal life when someone is helping you out, but when the people helping you have toxic personalities it can often times be a higher price to pay to put up with them than to try to find a high paying job.
Greg1 Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 Sorry for the late reply but thanks for your help everyone. I wondered why they don't have me move back in. Maybe a mixture of them not wanting me there or maybe they are guilty so they let me stay here because i like it here. I have been working on getting job but that's a whole new topic of anxiety and fear.
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