I need help

[NeoEclectic]

For my nephew.

 

This is going to be a long read so I apologize in advance.

 

My 21-year-old nephew has been involved in a poisonous relationship with a 22-year-old single mother. Within weeks of having known this woman she got pregnant by him and she is currently 5 months pregnant.

 

I won't get into too much detail about her other than to say that she's a horrible, rotten, person. Basically, she has been trying hard to fulfill this mythical, happy, family unit and is willing to do anything to attain it. She even have gone as far as to lie about being pregnant in order to coerce my nephew to have unprotected sex with her so that she could get pregnant. Yes, he was foolish for just taking her word for it but we're not talking about a rational man.

 

But the pregnancy thing isn't what makes her into an evil and rotten person (though it contributes greatly). She has a very bad attitude and treats people poorly. She's been using her pregnancy as a weapon to control my nephew and a weapon to antagonize my family. There are a lot of other details such as trust issues, lying, and the likes but there's just too much to get into while concerning her.

 

My focus is on my nephew. He is absolutely the most irrational and unintelligent person I have ever known. Trying to make sense of the decisions he makes is like trying to turn lead into gold. Even after repeated requests from his girlfriend to not contact her anymore he continually makes effort to contact her. And following each interaction is an explosive altercation that's filled with things that should never be said. She's reached the point of threatening legal action which would be very bad for him considering he's in the middle of litigation for a different, unrelated, matter. But he just won't give up.

 

My concern is that he is deeply disturbed. Everyone had made attempts to reach out to him and he seems to be open and honest about his feelings and thoughts. But I have this underlying feeling that he is really being less than honest about most things. It's difficult to disprove much of the things he said because it's all anecdotal.

 

But where I am concerned is that I believe he is trying very hard to become a father and this disturbs me deeply. In fact, I think he's trying so hard that it doesn't matter to him who the mother is he just wants that baby.

 

It wasn't until a lot of thinking that I feel that there is evidence and a definite pattern that points to my conclusion.

 

1. I recall a discussion we had when he was 18 where he vehemently declared his desire to be a father. He went on to say things like how good of a father he would be and that he wanted to be a father soon.

 

2. He had gotten two other women pregnant previously and both women miscarried. Irresponsibility be damned his claim is that "rubbers keep breaking". But I find that very difficult to believe that one person can experience that many contraceptive failures within a very short time span. These other two pregnancies occurred with 1 year of one another.

 

3. He expressed an attraction towards single mothers.

 

4. He was in yet another relationship where the woman was pregnant by another man, but he wanted to assume the role of the father figure. He did this by attending all of the lady's doctor's appointments relating to her pregnancy and expressed interest in a long term relationship with her.

 

There are some other, more subtle, clues as well.

 

I find the idea to be perplexing but it seems like to me that the evidence is there. He didn't grow up without a father even though his parents divorced when he was 13. He spent an equal amount of time with mom and dad, and they constantly did activities together as a family even though his parents were divorced. They did it for his sake, and both parents are genuinely good friends and they support one another as such in all aspects of their lives.

 

Yes, a divorce can be traumatic to a young person and he has stated thus. I can't put my finger on why he would be trying so hard to bring a new life into this world. Yes, it is his choice so to speak, but to be honest he's also probably the most irresponsible person I have ever known as well. Not to mention that the soon to be mother of his child is equally immature, irrational, and irresponsible.

 

He just began receiving mental health treatment because there was enough in his behavior to suspect something isn't working out too well for him in that area. I think we're all hoping that he literally have a few screws loose upstairs as a way to explain his irrationality.

 

But in the event that nothing can be diagnosed... how to I discover the heart of this matter with him?

 

We've already grazed this subject before and I've opted for the direct method which what I always do. But we just didn't get anywhere with that discussions.

 

Does he want to be a father so badly that he's willing to take poorly thought out risks to achieve it? And if so how do I get him to admit to it?

 

I think it's important to know so that we can either understand the situation better or maybe have something to give to his doctor if they're looking for a diagnosis.

[Pepin]

I really empathize with your situation. I think it is important to admit is that you can't fix people, you can't make people better, you can't make people want to be better, you have absolutely no control over people.

 

Imagine you are a doctor and your patient is one who is an glutinous chain smoker. You want the patient to get better, you tell them the objective facts about smoking and obesity, and you invest a great deal of time and energy to ensure they'll follow your advice. But if the patient makes no effort to get better, disregards all of your arguments and advice, and throws your finite time to the wind and continues on their self destructive path: you must give up on the patient, not just because you can't make them better, but because they are making you worse.

 

I do not mean to say that you are unable to help him as perhaps you will be able to do so, but it is important to face the reality that you may not be able to help. I know this doesn't sound like advice, but it is vital to know that even the best plan executed perfectly may have no real affect. If you are going to attempt this, go in knowing you may fail, and that you are likely to fail.

 

Again, this likely doesn't sound like advice and may strike you poorly, but if you are going to help someone it is something you need to have in the front of your mind. 

[NeoEclectic]

Well the question isn't really about can we make him better. Instead it's trying to figure out how to get the truth to better understand the situation because right now a lot of people are about to turn their backs on him.

 

What some of us are hoping is that he'll get diagnosed with some type of brain related issue and not that he's just a dumb ass. But if he turns out to be a dumb ass then is there a way we can figure out or help him figure out what's going on in his head so that we don't end up turning our backs on him.

[cynicist]

That sounds pretty horrible, not just the girlfriend but your nephew being so reckless in regards to fathering children. I'm not sure why you are getting involved as you don't seem to have a high opinion of him. I agree with Pepin, if he can't even be honest with you it is unlikely that you'll be able to help him to change anything. (from your description he may be lying to himself as well, and certainly isn't consciously aware of his own motivations)

 

Yes, a divorce can be traumatic to a young person and he has stated thus. I can't put my finger on why he would be trying so hard to bring a new life into this world.

 

This situation isn't funny, but putting these two sentences together is. Even not knowing much of his childhood background it would seem likely to me that his desire for a child has something to do with difficulties in his early history. Short of encouraging him to go to therapy and sort out his issues I'm not sure what you can do in this situation.