Seleneccentric Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 So, I have come to a slow emotional awakening over the last half-year, and felt the joy of being alert and alive in the world. But now there is a terrible storm wall before me — the thing that I feared so greatly that I was willing to imprison and torture myself, apparently indefinitely, in an emotional cell of my own design. If it only threatened to wound me, I wouldn't now be so afraid. Rather, it is threatening to put me back to sleep. If I can't find a way to live through this, I'm afraid that I'll slip back into the world of black illusion that emerged from.I am myself a corrupt person. I am exactly the kind of person that I've been removing from my life — abusive, self-absorbed, bullying, manipulative... but with the awful difference that I have kept all my wrongdoings concealed.I molested both of my younger siblings. It started when I was thirteen and I did it for the last time when I was twenty. It happened about a dozen times in total, though it's difficult to count, because the traps I set in my own mind are dutifully shredding the memories as I try to reach them. As you would expect though, in the end it wasn't limited to them and it wasn't limited to just this type of abuse. I've cheated on people, lied, used people's emotions against them. All the while I cultivated an untouchable public image of moral perfection. I used to see people admire me and it would make me physically sick, because I knew what I was inside.I've reached out to my siblings, and told them how sorry I am for what I've done. I've given them a commitment to help them in any way that I can as they try to recover from the destruction that I caused. If things go as planned, I'll be paying for therapy for one of them starting in the Spring, and it gives me joy to be able help them even in so insignificant a way. They're both strong. I have justifiable hope that they can be healed.But how can I be healed? Can I be healed? Should I be healed?I used to think, "If anyone knew the truth about me, the right thing for them to do would be to kill me." I have no idea any more whether that is just, but I know that I do want to live — but how? Is that even, at a fundamental level, possible? Am I cut off from virtue? I'm going to therapy. I've got people in my life who support me. I'm healthy and safe. I've removed hurtful and abusive people from my life… all but one. I journal and write and I've tried to pull the pieces of me back into some kind of semblance of a soul. I want to live. I want to never hurt anyone else like I hurt my siblings. I want to stop being a bad person. What can I do?
Mike Fleming Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I started to write a few things but then realised I couldn't really say anything that I thought was meaningful. I tried to relate it to myself bullying my brother but found it difficult to articulate so that it meant much in relation to your situation. I just decided to write a post to let you know that at least one person has read what you wrote and was moved by it. I've heard similar situations discussed on Stef's show. Perhaps talking to him might bring you some clarity. I don't believe anyone is beyond redemption or healing but it's certainly much harder for some than others. The fact that you want to heal says volumes. Hopefully some others will be able to provide you with some resources. Good luck.
ribuck Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 But how can I be healed? Can I be healed? Should I be healed? If you have changed, then you are already healed. The final step is for you to accept this, and to start feeling good about your present and future self.
DaVinci Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 But how can I be healed? Can I be healed? Should I be healed? To me, your healing should take a backseat to the healing of those you have hurt. The therapy you mentioned paying for is a step in the right direction.
MysterionMuffles Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 To me, your healing should take a backseat to the healing of those you have hurt. The therapy you mentioned paying for is a step in the right direction. Are you sure you don't mean to say that the other way around? How can he help heal the others he has hurt if he doesn't know how to heal himself first? He can't offer them that which he has not yet experienced first in order to know what to offer. Seleneccentric, thank you for your vulnerability in this post. I think you've taken a huge step in the right direction at least acknowledging the same kind of behaviour you want to exacerbate from your life. Sometimes the things we hate in others are things we hate within ourselves. Not all the time, but sometimes we use others to avoid ourselves. I'm sensing that that's something you have done pre-philosophy. Really sorry to hear about your siblings...that must be really hard to admit to. It's great that you're taking the steps to help heal them as well, so I guess you can be doing both at the same time. Working on yourself as you clearly already are while helping them out. As for the last two paragraphs I'm just really sorry you feel that way. I don't know what else I could add here...I just think you answered your own question at the end by simply starting this thread, and for that I thank you once again for your openness about this.
DaVinci Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Are you sure you don't mean to say that the other way around? How can he help heal the others he has hurt if he doesn't know how to heal himself first? He can't offer them that which he has not yet experienced first in order to know what to offer. So he can't offer healing without himself being healed? Well, he has already gone against what you are saying. He said that he has reached out to them, apologized, committed himself to helping them, and is paying for therapy. You are saying he should not do these things because he has not healed himself 100%? Also, I never said he should not heal. Just that since he is committed to making amends that the healing of his victims should come first. I'm not sure why that is getting me down voted to say the healing of the victim should come first.
cynicist Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I'm going to therapy. I've got people in my life who support me. I'm healthy and safe. I've removed hurtful and abusive people from my life… all but one. I journal and write and I've tried to pull the pieces of me back into some kind of semblance of a soul. I want to live. I want to never hurt anyone else like I hurt my siblings. I want to stop being a bad person. What can I do? I can speak from experience as someone who has abused a sibling (though not to the same degree) that two things in particular helped me. One is to come clean and try to make restitution as much as possible (even though you can't ever undo the damage), which it sounds like you are pursuing already. The second thing is to explore and figure out as much as you can about why you were doing those things and how you came to be that way. It is hard when the memories have been repressed (even when they are back they don't feel like they are yours), but uncovering the mindset and its source helped me understand myself better. When I first remembered what I had done I was pretty shocked and sad but the worst part was being afraid of my own potential for doing evil. Now that I know where it came from I'm not as worried about it coming back out of nowhere and affecting my life today. I know that wasn't super specific but I hope that helps. A big difference between my situation and yours is that I was much younger (early teens) when I stopped so I imagine the road will be rougher for you. One last tip, when you feel an episode of self-attack coming on remind yourself that you made a commitment to be a better person and commend yourself for sticking to it. You will never be able to make up for what you've done but you can use that as motivation to strive farther than others in society. (who may have done less harm, but also may not have done much good either)
Lians Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 For the sake of argument, let's assume that you're a terrible person who's completely beyond salvation. So what? Why should that stop you from trying to make restitution for your wrongdoings? Why should you stop working on yourself? People with no legs don't lie in bed until they die. Sure, they won't be Olympic runners, but so what? Aren't those inner voices trying to shackle you to the past? Who do they belong to? Whoever taught you the language of abuse will be quite happy if you to remain frozen in a perpetual state of self-attack. Why should you let them win?
MysterionMuffles Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Fair enough DaVinci, I retract my statement made towards you.
luminescent Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 A podcast that might be helpful: #1561 Restitution and the Future. (A listener convo about similar circumstances.)
LovePrevails Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I commend you upon your bravery. But how can I be healed? Can I be healed? Should I be healed? Continue with the therapy Help other people that's all you can do now, the past is a graveyard.
Seleneccentric Posted January 19, 2014 Author Posted January 19, 2014 Thank you all for writing. I've heard similar situations discussed on Stef's show. Perhaps talking to him might bring you some clarity. I may try. cynicist, thank you for your post — I took a lot from that. Aren't those inner voices trying to shackle you to the past? Who do they belong to? Whoever taught you the language of abuse will be quite happy if you to remain frozen in a perpetual state of self-attack. Why should you let them win? That's a striking point, thank you, I'll consider it carefully. luminescent, thank you for the recommendation. the past is a graveyard. Very powerful words, thank you for posting. I appreciate the community being so sensitive and supportive. It's hard to know what to expect. I'm having a hell of a tough time making progress, but I keep the things said here in mind as I go.
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