dsayers Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I read every word and it was not an easy read. I'm sorry to hear about all of this. I will say right up front that based on what you've shared, you are blameless. Please read that again: YOU ARE NOT TO BE BLAMED FOR ANY OF THAT. It wasn't your fault and you did not deserve it. anyone who wants to talk about their own personal issues, to please go ahead The one thing I noticed as being consistent in your story is the external erasure of you. This is your topic. Maybe there's some value in establishing an ability to directly relate, but you should not be erasing yourself for the comfort of others. Not in your home life and not here. Please don't take that as a criticism of your home life as I understand that your self-erasure is part of self-preservation. But it's important that you realize that it's happening so you don't normalize it during times when it's not necessary to survive. my dad is actually really cool when he is sober This is simply false. Not only because you describe him as being perpetually drunk, but also because when he's sober, he drinks. Also, alcohol doesn't make people do things they wouldn't normally do, it just lowers the inhibitions to them. It's also quite alarming. It's a miracle that you didn't murder him once you were old enough to exact vengeance for all the abuse he's leveled upon you. I'm not recommending this, but I am curious as to why you'd want to stay around him just to preserve him. If you're not furious with him for what he's done to you, then you're making excuses for him that you will allow for yourself. To be clear, do not dare start a family or even seek a lifelong partner until you've worked through all of this. Sorry for crossing the line and being so blunt, but you'd be allowing the violence leveled upon you to spread to that many more people through you. Your wounds cannot heal while you're in a situation that they're being picked at constantly. I don't know how this would relate directly to your memory issue, but my guess is that you're suffering from PTSD. Our senses cannot take that constant threat, that constant elevated experience. When you described not being able to sleep for more than 30-120 mins, it's because your subconscious understood that your life was being directly threatened constantly. This is the opposite of what home life under a parent's supervision is supposed to be. I'm going to hit post now just to get some thoughts out for you. Maybe I'll have more later. I'm sure others will be too.
MysterionMuffles Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 What are you so scared of Randanza? Feel free to share your story, I sense from dsayers post that you have a problem with self erasure. It would be very determental to be doing it to yourself in a place that offers you some serious empathy and compassion for whatever you feel.
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