A girl I know is pregnant...

[MattGrimes]

And I know the kid is going to be fucked. She's a friend of a (ex)friend so I don't really know too much about her but I do know she has experienced sexual abuse, goes out of her way to hang out with thugs and gangsters (yet lives in one or the top 5 safest cities in the US), has had like 5 abortions, the father will not be around, she is religious, and relys on her insane religious family for money (very wealthy), etc. you get the picture.

 

For the past week I have felt this incessant gnawing that I need to do something about it; to try to talk to her about the implications of having a child and single mother hood that will impact both her and the child. It keeps me up at night (well I'm always kept up at night by thoughts but this has been the primary thought for the past few days) and anytime I am reminded of it I get stressed. Edit: stressing over whether I am obligated to say something, and what I'm going to say if I am.

 

I also am a very passive person–my whole life has been about the emotions and problems of other people, erasing myself to serve their needs. Obviously the result of narcissistic parents who used me, and continue to use me while bribing me with money, to comfort their emotions. This is my number 1 vice that I am working on. This is relevant because 1. I am really stressed about the actual conversation as I have an somewhat-irrational fear of conflict and fear that people will be volatile. I reaaaalllyy don't want to do it but I feel that I will never be able to forgive myself knowing that I didnt do everything I could to prevent the torture that this child will endure and that if this woman has a child she will assuredly become beyond rehabilitation. 2 I don't know if my desire to have this conversation is a manifestation of my own issues or whether it is a legitimate concern. To be honest, I'm 95% sure that the latter is not the case, and I am just looking for any reason for this not to be my responsibility (though I know you guys will give me the truth even if I don't want to hear it). More than anything though I just need Something to push me off the fence.

 

Edit: just to clarify: this woman has been having unprotected sex for years, and has been pregnant numerous times with different men. She, to my knowledge, originally intends to have the child, and then after weeks or months, decides to abort. To my knowledge this has been by demand of her parents or friends and possibly a change of heart, thought the underlying (dysfunctional) desire for a child seems to have been continuous. My intention is not to fix this woman or sway her to the ways of peaceful parenting, simply to have a little talk to help her to understand her motives for this having a child, what it will mean for the child, and what it will mean for her future. I am not particularly interested in her well being (any more so than anyone else anyway), only the child's, though I believe appealing to her future is potentially a good avenue, among others, to address. My goal would be to sway her that having a child right now is a very bad idea and that having an abortion would be the best course of action (and hopefully get her to reconsider having a child anytime soon). Again, I don't foresee a high chance of success but I feel that on the chance that saying something could cause her to reconsider her decision, I would feel guilty knowing that I could have done something and I did not.

 

In writing this edit I realize that maybe my entire premise is a contradiction as my goal would be for this woman to have an abortion, to save the child from a likely miserable life. Is it?

[AustinJames]

Why do you feel so strongly about the life of a friend of an (ex)friend? Why is this struggle worth your time? Millions of kids are experiencing tortuous childhoods. Why focus on one you don't have any power to change?

[dsayers]

I have an somewhat-irrational fear of conflict

 

I've read your whole post and I feel that it all falls away relative to this statement.

 

If the entirety of your experience of conflict as a child was win-lose with you destined to be the loser based strictly on your smaller size, your chronological disadvantage, or your inability to escape those who cheat to "win," I would not classify any aversion to conflict as irrational.

 

The way this statement was worded, it puts the origin upon yourself. As if you're broken. As if the perceived flaw just came out of nowhere. I can speak from first hand experience that it's one thing to recognize that your parents abused you, but it is something entirely different to be able to identify HOW they abused you, how damaging that abuse really was, how this manifests in your personality and interactions with others, and so on.

 

Before I got to this sentence of yours, I too was wondering based on the seemingly remote description of your "relationship" with the person you're talking to, why you'd have an interest at all. Don't get me wrong; I understand all too well what it is to be able to see things so many cannot and have the desire to share it with them. However, it seems to me that this person is living a life devoid of self-knowledge and will not know how to make use of the information. And that's assuming they don't reject it outright.

 

Similarly, you called yourself passive and described this as a vice. I engage in a steady intake of caffeine. I know quite a few people that smoke. These are vices because they are chosen. People are not passive. We know this because passivity is tantamount to death. We come into this world with a want to explore it, to understand it, to survive in it, to adapt to it, to adapt it to our desires, etc.

 

If you're kept up at nights, it sounds as if maybe you could benefit from organizing your thoughts a bit. One thing that would help with this is calling things by their proper names, which means being able to accurately describe the chain of causality. In terms of resources you are expending in an ongoing fashion, it would be more efficient to accept that your parents did these things to you than to mentally wander about wondering why you're this way.

 

If a waitress has a large party to tend to, she might be able to save some time carrying X meals simultaneously. If she adds to this to the point of dropping the entire tray, then she accomplishes nothing and in fact works against herself. I cannot tell based on your description how this person is in your life in such a way that approaching her on the subject of peaceful parenting would at all be considered. Based on your description, it sounds as if she has a LOT of ways at the ready to dismiss you before even considering your words. I mentioned the waitress analogy to make the point that knowing how extensive the damage of child abuse is to us all, taking on the responsibility of every pregnant woman we see will not be productive. I would especially caution against it while you have more important work to do within yourself. It may even be that you're inspired to try and help her to avoid helping yourself.

 

I'm certainly no expert on these things, but it sounded like you could use an alternate viewpoint. Especially since you're subconsciously blaming yourself for things others did to you.

[MattGrimes]

Why do you feel so strongly about the life of a friend of an (ex)friend? Why is this struggle worth your time? Millions of kids are experiencing tortuous childhoods. Why focus on one you don't have any power to change?

Well I'm not particularly concerned about her, at least not more so than anyone else. I am more concerned about the child and the possibility that by overcoming my fear of conflict in this instance that I could possibly prevent a torturous childhood. I of course see very little chance of my trying to talk to her to have an influence on her choice, but on the chance that it would have caused her to reconsider, I think I would feel guilt for not at least trying.

I've read your whole post and I feel that it all falls away relative to this statement.If the entirety of your experience of conflict as a child was win-lose with you destined to be the loser based strictly on your smaller size, your chronological disadvantage, or your inability to escape those who cheat to "win," I would not classify any aversion to conflict as irrational.

I understand this. I knew that the topic was going to be convoluted and didn't want to explain it all in depth if it wasn't relevant (which I thought was unlikely, but maybe I am wrong). I say "somewhat irrational" because while I am aware that having the fear as a child was totally rational, and is rational in the case of many people still, there are often cases where this isn't. There have been more than a few times where I have avoided confrontation, only to end up exploding later, and then realizing that the whole time they would have been open to my feelings and concerns if only I had expressed them. So I will avoid conflict if there is any chance that person will lash out or whatever, and I'm pretty sure that I am overly cautious at this point. I totally understand why I am overly cautious but that doesn't change that I am being overly cautious. Right? My goal is to have an objective view of the situations; avoiding when itisthebest course and asserting when that is the best course.

The way this statement was worded, it puts the origin upon yourself. As if you're broken. As if the perceived flaw just came out of nowhere. I can speak from first hand experience that it's one thing to recognize that your parents abused you, but it is something entirely different to be able to identify HOW they abused you, how damaging that abuse really was, how this manifests in your personality and interactions with others, and so on.

I think I worded it poorly in an attempt to avoid extraneous info, as I don't think I blame myself for my dysfunctions, but maybe I do more than I'm aware of.... If you have any questions/thoughts that could help me to clarify this that would be appreciated.

Before I got to this sentence of yours, I too was wondering based on the seemingly remote description of your "relationship" with the person you're talking to, why you'd have an interest at all. Don't get me wrong; I understand all too well what it is to be able to see things so many cannot and have the desire to share it with them. However, it seems to me that this person is living a life devoid of self-knowledge and will not know how to make use of the information. And that's assuming they don't reject it outright.

I wouldn't dispute that she is pretty devoid of self knowledge, though we all were at some point as well... And, Maybe it's naive, but I think that maybe she's never been exposed to this kind of stuff so id give it a shot. As mentioned in the response to the other commenter, I don't expect to have an influence on her decision, though I feel that it would be unfair to have the knowledge I have and not at least make an attempt to prevent a horrendous situation, and likely a final nail in the coffin for this woman of having any chance to change her situation. If I initiate a conversation and she tells me to fuck off, I would be content with my attempts.

Similarly, you called yourself passive and described this as a vice. I engage in a steady intake of caffeine. I know quite a few people that smoke. These are vices because they are chosen. People are not passive. We know this because passivity is tantamount to death. We come into this world with a want to explore it, to understand it, to survive in it, to adapt to it, to adapt it to our desires, etc.

Yeah I think vice was a poor word to use. I just meant that the biggest thing in my self knowledge and growth right now that I am struggling with is my passivity and my issue/dysfunction/whateveryouwantotcallit of putting other people's needs before my own. My issue with this situation is that I am unsure of whether my desire to try to talk to this woman is a manifestation of my dysfunction or actually a healthy thing, as confronting her is also something I am afraid of. I am caught between two desires, both of which are associated with my two biggest issues, and I Can't tell which is which and what is what. Itskind of confusing; Am I making sense?

If you're kept up at nights, it sounds as if maybe you could benefit from organizing your thoughts a bit. One thing that would help with this is calling things by their proper names, which means being able to accurately describe the chain of causality. In terms of resources you are expending in an ongoing fashion, it would be more efficient to accept that your parents did these things to you than to mentally wander about wondering why you're this way.

What gave the impression that I was not putting the blame on my parents? I ask because I think the I do have a proper understanding of whom is to blame; that every dysfunction I have Is a result of what occurred in my childhood and that the root of causality lies with my parents, and if my interpretation is incorrect, I of course would want to know.

If a waitress has a large party to tend to, she might be able to save some time carrying X meals simultaneously. If she adds to this to the point of dropping the entire tray, then she accomplishes nothing and in fact works against herself. I cannot tell based on your description how this person is in your life in such a way that approaching her on the subject of peaceful parenting would at all be considered. Based on your description, it sounds as if she has a LOT of ways at the ready to dismiss you before even considering your words. I mentioned the waitress analogy to make the point that knowing how extensive the damage of child abuse is to us all, taking on the responsibility of every pregnant woman we see will not be productive. I would especially caution against it while you have more important work to do within yourself. It may even be that you're inspired to try and help her to avoid helping yourself.

Wait a second. I think my intentions may not have been well laid out. My goal, ideally, would've for this girl to have an abortion or look into adoption. I am fully aware that if she decides to try to take care of this child that there is nothing I can do and I feel no obligation in that regard.

I'm certainly no expert on these things, but it sounded like you could use an alternate viewpoint. Especially since you're subconsciously blaming yourself for things others did to you.

I of course appreciate the words. Though if you could elaborate on the last sentence I'd be interested in hearing more as, as said above, I do believe that I hold blame in the proper places but if that is not the case I'd certainly like to know.Edit: please see my edit of the OP as it may be potentially clarifying (thought presents a potentially new conflict).