BrianBrian Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 After years of distance I've been scared to make the vulnerable and honest phone call to my sister to talk about how I feel about our non-existent relationship and how it makes me feel that she facebooks or texts me once or twice a year to tell me she loves me despite the facts that we haven't talked in years and she knows next to nothing about me, or how I feel that she calls me at Christmas despite the fact I'm atheist and our last attempt at debate on the topic was bordering aggression and belittling on her part.She called me this Christmas and left me a voicemail wishing me Merry Christmas, and a week later text me asking for my address I would assume to send me a card for my birthday that just passed, and I felt compelled to call her to have the terrifying conversation that would involve me being vulnerable and honest about my feelings and to ask her what she thinks or feels about my feelings regarding our relationship. Despite my knowledge that text messaging is woefully inadequate for these matters, my gut terror at the idea of calling her motivated me to start with text. I have been thinking for months that asking for her thoughts on male circumcision could be a fruitful litmus test for her ability to acknowledge my likely contrasting thoughts and feelings on a topic since she is a registered nurse at a children's hospital. This could have just been my unconscious protecting me from what it knew would come from this kind of interaction or maybe my false self finding excuses to not engage whole heartedly, or my true self preventing unnecessary brutality toward my own feelings, I don't know.I dove in via text, and this all occurred within about twenty minutes via text message. I was physically shaky and terrified as it all occurred and had a hard time texting with accuracy. Separate from our family dynamic I found her responses to be remarkably obtuse with contradictions and defenses abound, but I made special effort to not even take a position or argue the details as that was not the purpose of this exchange, rather to draw out the memories in me of who she was and still is which, given my body's physical responses before this exchange was even underway, was successful and revealing from the get go. But here it is, word for word:Me: Have you seen any of the information debunking the efficacy of circumcision and highlighting that it is actually genital mutilation? Sister: Ummm.. First of all, babies don't even cry when they get it done bc they are given sugar water. Second it's purely cultural not something weird and cruel. I probably would not but (boyfriend) is English so it's not in his culture anyway. Me: Oh that's interesting. I'd be interested in talking about it further with you since you seem to think its all right under the umbrella of culture. Sister: I mean I don't really want to have a discussion on circs I'm pretty unbiased since I see them done often. There is really no point to do it other than "looks" bc it's not really any more hygienic Sister: Can I just get your address Sister: Lol Me: No actually this is very important topic for me and is meaningful to me. It's also very important to me that the people in my life who love me are curious about my thoughts on a matter like this. Me: So I see the extent to which you aren't interested in discussing this with me or being curious about my thoughts on it as very related to your actual interest in me. Sister: (boyfriend) is uncirced you can talk to him about it lol Sister: Brian you don't even fucking call me back on Christmas and you want to come at me over circumcision?? Me: Are you available to talk? Sister: Not at the moment Me: Why not? Will you be available later on? No response. A couple mornings later I had a missed call from her that she would have made at 2am her time on a Saturday night, which leads me to believe she was drunk when she called. This reminded me of an outburst she had while drunk toward one of my brothers that my brother told me about. He said it was terribly uncomfortable and our sister verbally attacked his girlfriend in ways that made him feel like she was jealous of his girlfriend somehow. A little extra background: I'm 30, my sister is 24 or 25, and over the past seven years we have had very little interaction. I am in the preparation phase of deFOOing and have began honest conversations with my three younger brothers regarding family corruption, their experiences, their thoughts and my thoughts on our current relationships with one another and motivating factors for our lack of connection over the yearsMy sister is known in the family for being hateful and bullying toward those who oppose her or those she does not agree with or those she feels have wronged her in some way. She is aggressive in language and volume, yelling, etc.The last time I was around her was about two years ago at a small family meetup with small talk and no substance, I made an effort to be positive and friendly and had not yet been introduced to philosophy. I'm posting this as a window of insight for anyone who is interested in the very beginning phase of these terrifying conversations.
Greg1 Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I'm not sure what to say other than it was brave of you to confront her on a serious topic like this. I agree her responses are very belittling like the "ummm"s and the "lol"s. I think you have enough evidence that she is going to remain abusive for the foreseeable future from your own and your brother's experiences, so do you think it's wise to continue what you think will be "terrifying conversations"?
dsayers Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 She wasn't being honest when she said she was unbiased. Being desensitized is a bias. Being unwilling to discuss logic, reason, or evidence is a bias. When was the last time she took sugar water for a headache? I think you made an important move when you began to qualify the subject's importance to you. She responded by simultaneously placing value on her preferences while rejecting yours, which isn't consistent and therefor indicative of bias.
BrianBrian Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 I really value your thoughts on the matter. I managed to have a phone call with her that was quite difficult, the metaphor that comes to mind is that she was like a squid littering the waters of our conversation with ink, dodging the honest questions, trying to lose me or more likely make me feel lost in her black clouds of illogic and distraction.
cherapple Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 I'm so sorry you're experiencing this with your sister, Brian. Her responses literally turn my stomach, from her first word, so I can only imagine how you feel. I can identify with feeling literal-shaking terror at the thought of interacting honestly with family. Bravo for taking the action and re-experiencing the pain. It's apparent how difficult it was for you. What was or is your goal with the conversation? What do you hope to achieve for yourself?
BrianBrian Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 My goal of the texts was a precursor that I thought of since I hadn't communicated with her in so long. She was making claims to love me without understanding anything about me, what I value, believe, etc, and I knew my stance on circumcision would be something clear and concise that would instigate a discussion on something concrete. For the phone call that followed I presented my feelings regarding her dismissal and how it didn't make sense to me that she was claiming to love me while dismissing the first thing important to me that I shared with her in years. It was a remarkably dodgy phone call and after all of my assertiveness and honesty about my feelings and perspective and unraveling the logic in what she was saying she belittled me by saying "Brian, what's wrong?"
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