Stoic_Dreamer Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I have been invited to a baby shower type event and I am hoping to bring much needed parenting resources to this particular woman. The situation: I met the soon-to-be mother about 18 months to 2 years ago through a friend she was dating at the time (not the father). She is a heroin addict that has abstained from use for the past 5 months. In the very beginning I provided her legal counsel/helped her navigate the court system, a decision I presently regret. I did this as a favor for my friend. She was facing possession and theft charges but was released from jail with 2 years probation after spending only 3 days there. Subsequent parole violations (5) have not resulted in any significant repercussions. This woman was raised in a highly dysfunctional family with an abusive mother and largely absent father. In addition to the heroin addiction there has been recurrent verbal and sexual abuse in her history. Aside from the probation/abstinence thing she has done little in the way of self-work, lives with her mother, and is employed as a coffee barista. She has had a string of failed romantic relationships, some with abusive/aggressive men. She finally decided that something was missing from her life... what you may ask? A BABY. So she went out and found "a nice guy" that would stick around to raise a child and proceeded to get pregnant. Now she is 3 months pregnant and planning on keeping the child. I feel largely responsible for making this a possibility for her by keeping her out of the court system. This does however put me in a unique position where the mother is open to hearing my advice and considers me an intelligent/wise authority. Although she is registered for particular gifts I would like to bring parenting resources that she will actually use instead. The parameters are that she is of moderate intelligence and is literate but has shown little capacity for self-knowledge. Resources directed toward parenting techniques I think would be most effective- i.e. do not hit your kids, do not scream at your kids, breast feed, be present in their lives, don't do heroin/other drugs, etc. Does anyone have particular suggestions?
A__ Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 What a nightmare. Getting mixed up in this can't be fun either. It's so sad that children are born everyday into such toxic whirlwinds. I'm glad you care enough to try. I feel largely responsible for making this a possibility for her by keeping her out of the court system. But even if you never got involved in her situation, she could have gone to jail and gotten out and then done the same thing or worse. Your impulse to keep anyone out of the court system is understandable. I do think it's important for you to know why you found yourself investing your time and resouces in a person who was totally out of control though. I think it's great when people want to help anybody but her case sounds truly challenging, in need of professional help. I'm not sure which specific parenting resources would be best here. Maybe others can suggest some suitable, easily digestable books. Perhaps there's computer game-like programs she can interact with?
dsayers Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 If you help somebody and then they go on to do something awful, you are not responsible. The parameters are that she is of moderate intelligence and is literate but has shown little capacity for self-knowledge. Resources directed toward parenting techniques I think would be most effective- i.e. do not hit your kids, do not scream at your kids, breast feed, be present in their lives, don't do heroin/other drugs, etc. Does anyone have particular suggestions? Let us imagine for a second that she lacks self-knowledge, but accepts things like don't hit, don't scream, breastfeed, don't circumcise, etc. She might still treat the child as if inferior, use punishments and other forms of coercion, etc. So while the child might be better off than without her understanding don't hit, etc it's not enough. The problem with lacking self-knowledge is that the person doesn't even realize that something's missing. What do you think about something like Stef's book On Truth? As she reads it, she might internalize some of the messages in regards to her parents. Others, she might incorporate for her child's sake. It would be a way to appear to be helping her with her upcoming child while also helping her to realize that something's missing and it's not a baby.
ThomasDoubts Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I wouldn't regret anything you've done. I think she's much better off almost anywhere than locked in a cage. I have two immediate family members who were recently addicted to heroin; one had a son, spent a few weeks in rehab, and turned his life around and headed in a vaguely good direction (completely sober 2+ years). The other has spent 4 years in a cage. Most rehab facilities will tell you that heroin addicts have a 90% rate of relapse, roughly. For some people, a young child is the one thing they will move mountains for, in order to get/stay clean. For others, not so much. I think the priority is that she's not using heroin, while pregnant or otherwise, if she intends to be any mother at all. Of course this is kinda obvious, so here's why I brought it up: I like most of what Gabor Mate says about addiction, though I haven't read his books. I'd still consider him the best authority on addiction that's come to my attention. That could be something to look at, but maybe it's a bit tactless for a baby shower... Parenting resources are great, but it's all kinda secondary to me if she's doing (or does) permenent damage by using during her pregnancy. I'd offer some other tactless ideas for a baby shower, like questioning whether she's prepared to give an innocent child everything it deserves. I wonder if adoption might not be the best thing to pursue if she is in any way open to the possibility. We don't get to pick our parents, but if we did, I wouldn't pick this woman, from the little information you've provided. All that being said-- Kudos to you for caring, and acting. If she respects you, and your opinions/counsel, I guess the most important question is whether she's willing to put the child's best interest first, or not. If so, I'm sure that you've got plenty to offer her in the course of short conversation, in addition to any resources others here might suggest (I'm not really an expert on parenting resources). If she's not, you'd be looking for resources that demonstrate or focus on why SHE will be better off by being a good parent. I would be proud that I helped her avoid jail time; she has abbundant opportunity that she'd never have in a cage. Taking advantage of that opportunity on her own behalf, and on that of her child is the challenge. In that pursuit, good luck!
Lians Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I feel largely responsible for making this a possibility for her by keeping her out of the court system. She would have become even more dysfunctional and gotten out eventually. You can't stop people like that from having children. You also mentioned that you helped her out because of your friend. Why was your friend dating a drug addict? To me, this seems like the bigger issue here. If you're going to the baby shower, Parent Effectiveness Training can be a great gift. Let her know that the book is a great resource for any parent. You'll have to rely on your instincts, but assuming she's not too volatile, you can even mention that you chose this particular book because she's never seen what good parenting looks like, hence why it's important for her to read it. That's quite true given her background. Finally, I wanted to let you know that I really appreciate your concern for this unborn baby. Let us know how it goes!
Stoic_Dreamer Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 On Truth would be excellent I think given its length to content ratio. I love In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts- I keep it right by my bedside/computer, but I don't think this woman would be able to go through it all. P.E.T. sounds like it could be really good for her, I'm picking up a copy at B & N tomorrow. Also burning some of the parenting podcasts from the show will be very useful. thank all of you for the suggestions. In way of individual answers: Adrienne- Before philosophy found me I was on track to become a hot-shot lawyer and eventually a judge in an attempt to undermine the system by working within the system. The greatest criminals wear suits, not jumpsuits. The entire justice system runs on bribery, extortion, violence, and personal favors. I have been shadowing judges/lawyers since childhood. By calling in favors I can influence individual outcomes, and occasionally I will do that. Men and women that are already branded enemies of the state have very little to lose and I find them more open to change/"conversion" as well as to seeking professional help. By helping them I harm both the State and street gangs, which I take great pleasure in. A kid I took an interest in two years ago who was mixed up with the Surenos went off to college this fall to become an engineer- that makes me happy. Another reason I helped this woman was because she was dating my friend. Still another reason is that I have a blind-spot when it comes to dark-haired heroin addicts because they remind me of someone I lost years ago, and in an f-ed up way I think that by helping them I can somehow save her. I'll look for programs/software/games that might be useful when I stop by the B & N tomorrow- it's right next to a shopping mall. Thank you Dsayers- Excellent suggestion- I have a copy of On Truth I can give her. You're right that not hitting and breastfeeding are not enough. At least it's a start in the right direction I suppose. Thank you for your input FalsariusRex- I would put that relapse percentage much higher for needle-users, and a low percentage for those that actually recover as well. As far as statistics go- most rehab centers lie about everything. Particularly treatment centers with "high success rates" like Hazelden, (among others). These centers kick out anyone that they don't think will make it through their treatment program or are more likely to relapse in order to keep their percentages up. They also don't factor into the statistics drug users that are placed on drug replacement therapies long term or indefinitely. I think Mate's book is an excellent resource, but a bit out of her range. The crowd at the baby shower is going to be real rowdy and utterly socially inappropriate, I think my gifts will be well received even if they are somewhat unusual. Thank you for responding to my post Lians- My friend is missing a significant portion of his frontal lobe from a skateboarding accident. He has difficulty with retention universalizing, and has trouble making good decisions when it comes to women. He has to rely on his friends to point some of that stuff out and even then it takes him awhile to fully understand just how crazy most of the women flocking around him are. As I mentioned above I am picking up a copy of the Parent Effectiveness Training tomorrow, thank you I'll let the board know how it goes this coming weekend.
Stoic_Dreamer Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 Apologies for the lateness, somewhat distracting/time consuming week. The event was somewhat different from what I expected, but everything was well received. I haven't had any complaints yet so either they are enjoying/using everything or they discarded/haven't used it. Either way I think it was what they needed/will need and I was happy to introduce them to it. Thank all of you again for taking the time to respond
algernon Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Stoic, you should follow up at some point in the future and ask if the gifts were of any use, or if they helped her out. I like to ask friends what they think of videos after I send them, just to see if they watched or remind them about the videos if they forget.
Recommended Posts