Tantrums (unique set of circumstances)

[Microwave]

Hello,

 

I'm pretty new to the forums, but I've been listening to FDR podcasts for about two years. Here is a little bit of context before I ask my question: I'm a 24 year old stay at home dad, I have a 1 1/2 year old daughter who I have joint legal/physical custody of and I have her 50% of the time. I fought for half custody before she was even born fortunately, and I got it. Obviously things didn't work out in the relationship I had with my daughters biological mother, but that's a long story. I've been married now for about a year, and my wife is able to support us both so I can stay home. Our custody arrangement is called a 2-2-3 system, basically we transition her every 2 1/2 days; it's a lot of transition, and I'm trying hard to get it changed to weekly. 

 

Okay now that you have some basic context of my situation, here is my question: How do I deal with tantrums of a 1 1/2 year old? Understand that my daughter is switching homes every 2 1/2 days, with different parenting styles, completely different environments, etc. That in itself would make anyone's life very difficult I'd imagine. She isn't old enough to communicate in English yet, so she can't explain to me why she's upset. 

 

I'll give an example of what I mean by tantrum: I'm trying to teach her how to use a spoon so she can feed herself. Sometimes during mealtime, I'll put her bowl of food with a spoon on her high chair for her and demonstrate what to do. Occasionally she'll completely freak out and scream if I have her try to feed herself. If that's the case, I hug her and try to calm her down and let her know I love her. That doesn't work though, so I'm basically forced to just wait until she's done screaming, then I distract her to make her laugh and get her mind off it, then she's fine and will eat (if I feed her though). I'm not quite sure what to do, because I don't want to positively reinforce her behavior by hugging her, but I also want her to know that I care. That's just one example, it doesn't revolve around eating. 

 

I know Stef talks about tantrums sometimes and says that his daughter never has had one. My situation is unique though, because I only get my daughter half of the time. In my household it's very peaceful, fun and relaxed; and not only do I not know what the other household is like, but it's hard to say how she'd behave if I had her 100% of the time. 

 

I hope my question makes sense. Thanks for your time, and let me know if I can provide any further information. 

[alexqr1]

Hello.

I'm sure the situation makes it very difficult for your daughter. I am not experienced dealing with that situation myself, but I do have a 2 and a half year old so maybe something I say may be useful to you.

 

If I understood correctly, she freaks out because you are trying to teach her to feed herself. If that is the case, them I would suggest not trying to teach her. Let her decide when she is ready to learn, she will let you know. If you continue to feed her, she will eventually try to get the spoon from you and freak out if you don't.

 

Something I have learned with my son that has been great for our relationship and his development is that I can "suggest" what he can learn, but it is ultimately up to him and he makes the decision. When he was ready to learn something he became curious and he found a way to let me know even if he could not talk yet. I think parents tend to believe we are there to teach, when in reality, we are there to facilitate learning. I hope that helps.

[Microwave]

Hi Alex,

 

Thanks for your response, it was very helpful. That's what I've been doing when she freaks out regarding feeding herself via spoon; I'll just keep doing it myself until she's ready to learn. I also try to feed her things that are easy to eat with her bare hands, which she likes to do.

 

That was just an example though, she freaks out about a lot of things. Almost anytime I have someone over, when they walk in the door she screams and cries. If she shuts a door she'll freak out. Sometimes just out of no where too. I understand that being a child that young is a confusing enough time, but switching homes and parents every couple days has to be incredibly difficult. I try to empathize and be as understanding to the situation as possible.

[dsayers]

I wanted to preface my post by sharing that it's commendable that you're approaching the subject with such sensitivity.

 

 

I fought for half custody before she was even born

 

Is this to say that you got divorced while the mother was pregnant or that you were never married to her? Also, am I reading it correctly that you got married to a different woman within a year or so of the first women being pregnant/birthing your daughter?

 

 

She isn't old enough to communicate in English yet, so she can't explain to me why she's upset. 

 

Does she make noises? Does she favor or consistently make similar noises?

 

It's not abnormal for a 1.5 yr old to not be speaking in words. I think it does say something that her attempts to communicate are traumatic. I cannot imagine that having your entire world change every other day, complete with different caregiver and different people to learn to communicate from and try to communicate with, would be anything short of traumatic. This might explain why just the event of somebody else showing up evokes a traumatic response in her. Perhaps for now, discouraging visitors on the days you have her would be more helpful to her.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to try and get her to use utensils before she can talk. I would think it should be fine to have it handy in case she chooses to try and use it. But the way you describe it, just its presence seems traumatic for her. For that matter, until she can talk, I don't think there's anything wrong at all with holding her and comforting her when she's expressing trauma. It's not that you're reinforcing tantrums, it's that you're providing whatever the baby needs until such a time that you can communicate and negotiate with her becoming more self-sufficient.

[Microwave]

Hi dsayers,

 

I appreciate your response, thank you. To clear those things up: I wasn't married to my daughters biological mother; we dated for a few years, and had been broken up for about two years before my daughter was born. She was very manipulative and possibly impregnated herself on purpose (like I said, it's a long story). Anyway, alcohol was involved one night and I made the mistake of having sex with her (my ex girlfriend). Several months later I found an amazing woman (my wife now) who was completely empathetic towards the situation, and was willing to take it on and work full time so I could stay home with our daughter (her step daughter). I hope that makes sense, I know the dynamics can be confusing.

 

As to your second part, yeah she typically makes noises and I can interpret pretty well what she wants based on that. With these tantrums that I'm referring to though, it's very sudden and there's never a build-up of other noises. I try to limit visitors when she's with me, mostly because I want to spend that time with her; however, I do want to expose her to other good people and get her used to socializing, so very occasionally I'll have over a good friend to hang out. After about 30 seconds she's fine, it's just the initial part of a new person entering the room that freaks her out.

 

I think you're right that she's just not ready to use utensils yet. That's fine, I will continue feeding her myself when necessary (food that she can't eat with her hands), and let her use utensils when she's ready. Thanks again for your response.

[ribuck]

Maybe you can be the laid-back parent. The one that's always available to help, or to have a cuddle, but never exposes her to stressful situations.

 

Young children learn by imitation, so you don't even need to teach her to use utensils. Just eat something yourself whenever she's eating. Always lay small-sized cutlery beside her bowl, and it won't be long until she enthusiastically tries to copy you by using her utensils. You can then help if she wants help.

 

If a slamming door freaks her out, maybe she associates it with something unhappy (e.g. arguments in her other house). It's probably not possible to find out the root cause, but you can try to stop doors from slamming. If they do slam, start associating the slamming with something positive. For example, every time a door slams make sure you give her extra attention for a few minutes (cuddles, rides, songs, whatever). It won't be long until it no longer freaks her out.