Zava Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 My friend is dating a guy who has a Vietnam vet living in his basement. The vet was supposed to be temporary but he's been living for over two years now, the entire time unemployed and rent free. The boyfriend is rarely home so he didn't really mind it, however, about a year ago he did try an “intervention” with the vet's few 'friends' to explain he needs to find another place eventually. The intervention “didn't go well” and nothing happened after that. He refused to open up a manila envelop which had some paperwork (which someone else worked very hard to obtain and now refuses to do it again) about getting vet benefits for example...it just sat on his kitchen table untouched for months and months... Anyway, my friend lost her job last month so she moved in with her boyfriend- they were planning on moving in together, just not that soon. The problem is she's not comfortable living there with this odd third wheel. The vet is harmless old guy and even though he only makes an appearance like three times a day, their privacy is always slightly compromised but now that she lives there, it's more obvious of a problem. This issue is starting to hurt their relationship. She feels like she is the bad one, saying it's not right for the vet to be living there and rent free and she's not comfortable with the way things are. He'd just cry when she brought up the subject (even before she lived there) saying he knows she's right but he didn't know what to do. She felt bad bringing it up but one day she brought it up very seriously (and crying herself about it although she realizes this wasn't a healthy way) but that finally got him to talk with the dude - he simply told him that he needs to move out by June. In my opinion, the vet should have said, “that's cool, you've been awesome letting me live here for free for years so I'll try to be out before then” but no such reaction. Just an “ok and thanks” but he's been “oking” the boyfriend for a few times since staying there. How will the vet know it's serious this time? She doesn't want to live another six months with this dude still there especially without any guarantee that he'll leave by June. Her boyfriend says, “what can I do? Put him on the street??” basically putting the onus on her. I'm trying to help her, such as getting resources to help this vet—or more aptly, this parasitical dude--out of there but even I am already feeling resentful for working on this instead of the boyfriend or the old guy himself. It also pisses me off cause the guy is always referred to as a “vet” like he's some kind of hero. LOTS of more grateful, less mental folks would love the opportunity to live rent free and in fact some are online in this community.The boyfriend said he agreed and that he doesn't think he's a hero, just an old guy in need. Still, I think there's some kind of subliminal overtone to it when other people ask him, “still got the vet living with you?” type of conversations. The dude is about 65 or so but energetic and seems younger. Both my parents worked all their lives dying before this age which makes me a bit angered by this situation. Other than her moving back out (once she's on her feet again with a job which should be in a few weeks) until he can get this sorted out on his own.... Any advice??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsayers Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 It also pisses me off cause the guy is always referred to as a “vet” like he's some kind of hero. This is what I was wondering the whole time I was reading YOUR recount of the situation. About 75% through, you called him a parasite. Otherwise, it was all vet vet vet. Not trying to be critical, just pointing it out that if it bothers you (and rightfully so), you might want to refrain from perpetuating it yourself. Though I suppose it's meaningful to mention once since as a vet, he's up for all kinds of resources free to him. The other thing that I was wondering is what your investment in the situation is. Again, for the sake of being honest with yourself. If she's a friend, that's a good reason to be there for her and help her with advice, somebody to listen to her, etc. But not really reason to take it upon yourself. Not saying that you shouldn't, but that's something to maybe explore, or even share here to help others offer feedback that might be more useful. At the end, you spoke as if (unlike the parasite) your friend is about to be back on her feet to the point of being able to move out of her boyfriend's place. Are you in a position to help her out by letting her stay with you in the meantime? Just out of curiosity, is the "parasite" doing things like housework, mowing the lawn, shoveling snow, etc to earn his keep at least? I'm curious because if so, then I can understand why the boyfriend is in such a difficult spot. Otherwise, I think it might be beneficial for your friend to re-examine her romantic relationship with somebody who lacks the fortitude to protect himself from being taken advantage of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovePrevails Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 That sounds like a horribly stressful situation to behold I really don't know what advice I can offer you Since you are not directly involved in the situation it seems very hard to do much other than be a solid friend and a good ear/emapthizer. Best of luck to your friend and her boyfriend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmperorNero Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 The vet is probably unhappy because he doesn't deal with his problems. I think there's two options, evict him or help him deal with his demons. You're not doing him a favor by letting him stay. Talk to him, let him talk, offer some way to change. But make it clear that of he blocks your attempts he'll be out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts