A reminder of my past (Perhaps I should explore it...)

[Yeravos]

I think I just had a revelation just now, one dealing with knowing myself.

I live in a dorm, and it seems this evening one of the other people in my dorm had brought some people over. And I could hear two of them talk. And when one in particular talked, something happened.

I was filled with dread. Like, extreme fear filled my soul. God, it was so horrible.

 

I was really terrified. And then it hit me. I recognize this. I have felt this before. It was a long time ago, but I have had this happen before on several occasions.

This dread, this hellish fear that filled me, used to erupt when I saw people that bullied me when I was in elementary school.

 

What is interesting, is that while I had this fear (have still), everything. EVERYTHING in my life, just feel so much harder. So frightening. When I know, on an intellectual level, that their not. Almost like the fear kind of spread to other parts of my psyche?

 

I got so frightened. After a few minutes, something else came up: Anger. Intense hate. I just wanted him, and all others like him, dead. Just all dead. I didn't care how, just as long they were killed. After that anger and rage, I realized that I was familiar with that intense fear.

 

And actually, now that I am writing this, I remember something else: That rage I felt. That intense hate. I felt that too, those years when I was bullied. It's really dark, that hate. It's very violent (mentally), very detailed. And honestly, they feel really good. Sadistically good.

 

Anyways, the revelation: I have a hypothesis. All my years of being bullied (all of elementary, 9 years), I have sort of developed a hyper-sensitive ''radar'' for detecting  people with bullying tendencies.

 

Something else I realized, with the help of chatting with a friend just now: I have made some efforts to not think, and remember about my bullies. About how badly they treated me, how the humiliated me and threatened me. And now, when I am starting to do some true-self excavating, I think it could serve me to dredge up those memories, and study them. Because, maybe by turning away from that completely, I am missing vital information that could help me in my healing process.

 

This was perhaps 30 minutes ago, and I can still feel the shock-waves inside me. God. it was so terrible. But I am really excited about this revelation, and my hypothesis, if it is correct. And, if it is not, what can be learned from this? Exciting. Excitement in the aftershock of intense fear. Its interesting I think.

 

I can't express how good it felt to get this out of my system.

 

I just thought and felt something. I love this forum. I love this community. I love the kind, honest, gentle, sympathetic in this part of the Internet. Just started chatting on the chat a few days ago, and I love the open, thought-provoking  conversations there.

 

Yes. You guys are great.

 

[Pepin]

I am quite sorry for your past and having to go through what you did.

 

Don't reject it, as doing so would be to reject yourself, as we are an ecosystem of parts. Do not fear that you will act violently, as you won't. Don't fear you will you become sadistic, as you won't. Fear what will happen if you are to live in neurosis.

 

How does a bully know who to bully? More importantly, how does a bully know who to avoid at all costs?

 

Understand it, reason with it, integrate it.

[dsayers]

I know what you mean about the excitement. In my younger years, I hurt and pushed people away I didn't want to. I wanted so desperately to be able to stop doing it, but I was powerless to stop it because I didn't understand where it was coming from. Once I did, I was so relieved to finally be able to learn who I was and actually have control over it.

 

Because, maybe by turning away from that completely, I am missing vital information that could help me in my healing process.

 

The one thing I noticed was missing was an exploration as to how they decided that you were prepped for bullying. I'm not blaming the victim at all. But you were isolated by an abuser before the bully even knew of you and this isolation is how they knew their aggression would be better spent on you than on somebody who was not isolated, who had people in their lives that would care, listen, and intervene.

 

Beyond that, I just wanted to add that wanting your abusers purged is an admission of lack of an alternative. I hope that present day, you have a better understanding that there ARE alternatives. From talking with them to simply not allowing them to be in your life in a position where they could victimize you further.

[Yeravos]

I am quite sorry for your past and having to go through what you did.

I appreciate that, really.

 

 

Don't reject it, as doing so would be to reject yourself, as we are an ecosystem of parts. Do not fear that you will act violently, as you won't. Don't fear you will you become sadistic, as you won't. Fear what will happen if you are to live in neurosis.

What you are saying makes sense. But thinking about delving into this produces a clear ''Don't'' in my head. It feels emotionally distant now that I think about it. This is new.

Interesting. This is the first time (for now at least), that I have come to a subject that I experience this much resistance from myself to explore.

 

 

How does a bully know who to bully? More importantly, how does a bully know who to avoid at all costs?

 

The one thing I noticed was missing was an exploration as to how they decided that you were prepped for bullying. I'm not blaming the victim at all. But you were isolated by an abuser before the bully even knew of you and this isolation is how they knew their aggression would be better spent on you than on somebody who was not isolated, who had people in their lives that would care, listen, and intervene.

Hm. It is interesting to me that both of you mention this. When you mention it, it is something one would explore. But alas, I haven't seen it that way before, until you guys mentioned it. This is something I should explore. Thanks, really

 

 

Beyond that, I just wanted to add that wanting your abusers purged is an admission of lack of an alternative. I hope that present day, you have a better understanding that there ARE alternatives. From talking with them to simply not allowing them to be in your life in a position where they could victimize you further.

When I first read this part of your reply, ''I hope that present day, you have a better understanding that there ARE alternatives'' I felt angry for a moment. And sad also I think. ''Why are you implying that I don't know that?'' is a thought that I had at that moment. And then I thought ''Perhaps there is something to it. Perhaps I have murder in me'', is what followed. Writing that just now made my chest ache a bit. I hope you do not take this as an attack on you, I am just sharing with you what I felt and what I thought, and I am grateful for you sharing your perspective with me.

 

To answer your question. Yes, I know that there are alternatives. I have blocked them on facebook, and have left my hometown and do not intend on going back there. But when I think about it, there is a part of me that would take delight in killing my bullies, if I could get away with it. To be absolutely sure that they would never harm me again. Writing that made me think ''Am I insane?''.