Your mother is your girlfriend and your father is your boyfriend.

[aFireInside]

I was doing some thinking and Journaling lately.

I came up with this idea.

Lets discuss it.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I noticed that in my own relationships I ended up with

friends who only take from me and never give. The relationships

eventually ended when i decided to ask for things.

I knew that this could be traced back to my childhood, my

parents always cared about others feelings more than mine.

 

 

So I started people watching, I noticed that people usually date

there parents. So a guy who is bully or a dominate alfa usually goes

for the weak female. This goes both ways, the strong female CEO

can go for the boy toy, who is usually weak and prettier than her.

(Its hard to understand why someone who is strong would be attracted to someone who is weak)

But if you look at the parents relationships i think the answer will pop out.

 

I never read this anywhere but I think I heard it before in freedman radio.

Is our template of what a relationship is formed in our childhood?

(I'm almost sure it is)

 

 

With my own experience, before I processed the abuse I had as a child .

I always found relationships and friendships where, my needs are never

addressed. I found one way relationships. (only give & no receive)

 

 

I find it sad and so obvious now, when I see these types of relationships in the street.

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I bet this is why they say opposites attract.

 

Let me know your thoughts.

I would really appreciate them .

[Libertarian Prepper]

I think I agree, and I'm going to go off on a limb and say the vast majority of people entering into relationships are doing it as a way to "solve" their unresolved issues (which is impossible with this method), and are in fact co-dependent.

[aFireInside]

I think I agree, and I'm going to go off on a limb and say the vast majority of people entering into relationships are doing it as a way to "solve" their unresolved issues (which is impossible with this method), and are in fact co-dependent.

 

 

Great point

: )

 

 

They also make fun of this on popular TV shows !

[DaisyAnarchist]

I think it's true. Not just with romantic relationships, but relationships in general. Most of us did not get the love and attention we needed as infants and young children, so we seek that out in our friendships and romantic relationships. For women, the template for unresolved issues will be the father, and for men, it will be the mother. The problem is that we will not erase the abuse that we suffered from our parents by seeking out these kind of relationships.

 

I was in a three-year relationship with a guy who was seemingly different from my father. He was actually somewhat open about his feelings and somewhat understanding of mine, but that was limited. Maybe that's a contradiction, in hindsight. I was generally the more closed off, intellectual one between us. He broke off that relationship three times before both of us stopped going back to each other. It was like I was trying to not have him abandon me as my father did, but he did that anyway. He, like my father, had a very difficult time understanding my feelings when I did attempt to express them honestly, and did not seem to have empathy for my timidity. I'm pretty sure my father is the primary cause of my timidity and panic attacks, as I just recently learned that he yelled at me often when I was just an infant, and "probably" hit me, according to my mom. What a scary son of a bitch.

 

When I tried to explain to my ex reasons why I thought I was timid, it seemed to fall on deaf ears. I was not social or outgoing enough. I never quite lived up to his expectations and changed to his liking. Through that relationship, I think I wanted my father to finally understand and accept me. I can't say that I don't have trouble accepting and loving myself today, but I am more aware of my desire to act out, my feelings, and I'm starting to look critically at the people I try to get that love and attention from. As for my ex and his mother, maybe he wanted someone that he could try to help or "fix" so that he would feel locked in and loved. I know I've helped people in the past with the unconscious intention of locking them in, in a way. That's how lonely I felt, but avoided it. Or maybe the connection with his mother is different. I'm not sure.

 

It's very sad and tragic that it is like this for many people. Girls with "daddy" issues tend to go for boys that are "bad" or troubled, which I have done, and boys with overbearing mothers tend to have anxiety in approaching and understanding other women. I imagine this varies depending on the individual family situation, but essentially it seems to be a way to avoid the pain of childhood loneliness even though it causes pain as an adult. It's a perceived "different" pain I would guess; one that is more tolerable because of adulthood. That, and/or it's an attempt to get the parents' love.

 

What was your mother like, and how do you think that translated into your relationships? I was wondering if you'd feel comfortable elaborating on that.

[dsayers]

I think it's true. Not just with romantic relationships, but relationships in general. Most of us did not get the love and attention we needed as infants and young children, so we seek that out in our friendships and romantic relationships. For women, the template for unresolved issues will be the father, and for men, it will be the mother. The problem is that we will not erase the abuse that we suffered from our parents by seeking out these kind of relationships.

 

The other problem is that our parents are the only people in any of our lives that are SUPPOSED to unconditionally love and provide for us. I am embarrassed at how much of my life was wasted in pursuit of that one special somebody who would come along and just make everything all better. It simply can't happen. Thank goodness I came across the concept of self-knowledge and can now process all of that. I look forward to future relationships that won't just entail me trying to leech something I can never have from somebody willing to put up with it temporarily.

 

I wonder if this is what the Nine Inch Nails song Something I Can Never Have was about.l

[Mike Fleming]

I think it is mostly true.  Certainly all the women I met throughout my 20's and early 30's were fundamentally my mother, and thank god I had enough sense not to listen to society in general and chose the single life until if/when I could figure out why this was happening and solve it.  Fundamentally, I had to get my abusive mother out of my life before I could start feeling truly comfortable with myself and thereby have a good relationship.

 

It's interesting though because I have a narcissistic, dominating, controlling mother who married a weak, submissive man-child (my father).   My mother's father seemed to be very much like my mother more so than my father, so I'm not sure it is true in their case.  My mother just seemed to want someone she could dominate.

 

So I think broadly it's true, but not always.

[aFireInside]

I think it's true. Not just with romantic relationships, but relationships in general. Most of us did not get the love and attention we needed as infants and young children, so we seek that out in our friendships and romantic relationships. For women, the template for unresolved issues will be the father, and for men, it will be the mother. The problem is that we will not erase the abuse that we suffered from our parents by seeking out these kind of relationships.

 

I was in a three-year relationship with a guy who was seemingly different from my father. He was actually somewhat open about his feelings and somewhat understanding of mine, but that was limited. Maybe that's a contradiction, in hindsight. I was generally the more closed off, intellectual one between us. He broke off that relationship three times before both of us stopped going back to each other. It was like I was trying to not have him abandon me as my father did, but he did that anyway. He, like my father, had a very difficult time understanding my feelings when I did attempt to express them honestly, and did not seem to have empathy for my timidity. I'm pretty sure my father is the primary cause of my timidity and panic attacks, as I just recently learned that he yelled at me often when I was just an infant, and "probably" hit me, according to my mom. What a scary son of a bitch.

 

When I tried to explain to my ex reasons why I thought I was timid, it seemed to fall on deaf ears. I was not social or outgoing enough. I never quite lived up to his expectations and changed to his liking. Through that relationship, I think I wanted my father to finally understand and accept me. I can't say that I don't have trouble accepting and loving myself today, but I am more aware of my desire to act out, my feelings, and I'm starting to look critically at the people I try to get that love and attention from. As for my ex and his mother, maybe he wanted someone that he could try to help or "fix" so that he would feel locked in and loved. I know I've helped people in the past with the unconscious intention of locking them in, in a way. That's how lonely I felt, but avoided it. Or maybe the connection with his mother is different. I'm not sure.

 

It's very sad and tragic that it is like this for many people. Girls with "daddy" issues tend to go for boys that are "bad" or troubled, which I have done, and boys with overbearing mothers tend to have anxiety in approaching and understanding other women. I imagine this varies depending on the individual family situation, but essentially it seems to be a way to avoid the pain of childhood loneliness even though it causes pain as an adult. It's a perceived "different" pain I would guess; one that is more tolerable because of adulthood. That, and/or it's an attempt to get the parents' love.

 

What was your mother like, and how do you think that translated into your relationships? I was wondering if you'd feel comfortable elaborating on that.

 

 

Thanks for sharing that , I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

I also have panic attacks and I'm "timid". I can empathize with you.

If I were your bf it would be totally different. I hope some day you find

a great guy.

 

 

Yeah , well my mother always told me not to "bother" other people .

If a kid stole my stuff, she would let them because she didn't want to "bother" .

Whenever someone gave me a gift or asked if i wanted something , i would always say no . I never knew why , but eventually i found out that she would tell me to so no .

She made me feel guiltily when i would have fun.

She never supported me in anything , never care for any of my needs.

Basically she thought me that everyone except me is important.

 

 

So i translated that into my friendships , i would just have friends who didn't care for me , and i only cared for their needs .

I think it is mostly true.  Certainly all the women I met throughout my 20's and early 30's were fundamentally my mother, and thank god I had enough sense not to listen to society in general and chose the single life until if/when I could figure out why this was happening and solve it.  Fundamentally, I had to get my abusive mother out of my life before I could start feeling truly comfortable with myself and thereby have a good relationship.

 

It's interesting though because I have a narcissistic, dominating, controlling mother who married a weak, submissive man-child (my father).   My mother's father seemed to be very much like my mother more so than my father, so I'm not sure it is true in their case.  My mother just seemed to want someone she could dominate.

 

So I think broadly it's true, but not always.

 

Yeah , i don't think its applied directly.

For example you can get the template from your mother or father, or uncle ,etc... any care giver that you see as a role model when you are a child .

 

How where your girlfriends ? (in general )

The other problem is that our parents are the only people in any of our lives that are SUPPOSED to unconditionally love and provide for us. I am embarrassed at how much of my life was wasted in pursuit of that one special somebody who would come along and just make everything all better. It simply can't happen. Thank goodness I came across the concept of self-knowledge and can now process all of that. I look forward to future relationships that won't just entail me trying to leech something I can never have from somebody willing to put up with it temporarily.

 

I wonder if this is what the Nine Inch Nails song Something I Can Never Have was about.l

 

 

Yeah , i think that good people don't look for broken people.

so in that case no one is going to come to save you .

 

For example would you date a drug addict to try and save them ? ( i know you won't )

 

So yes i agree no one is coming to save us , and most of the time we are searching for a parent figure .

 

Thanks for the post

[LovePrevails]

From my own written self-reflections:

 

-         When I was young, my overwhelming experience was the underlying feeling that nothing I could do was right. That somehow, as a human being, I was inherently wrong, even though on one level I may have asked myself “What's so bad about me?” and couldn't find anything specific - the treatment I was receiving day to day was constantly reinforcing the idea that there must be something wrong with me because it was my fault that adults and children were treating me badly, despite my best efforts to measure up.

-         As an adult I came to learn that this internalized unconscious belief was still held deeply in my psyche, even although I was not fundamentally, it was still playing out in my life, subtly affecting my conduct and the way I related to others, and most of all myself. There was a deep habit of self-criticism there.

-         The effects of this became most apparent to me when I analysed one of my romantic relationships in hindsight, to realise that I would constantly accept criticism from my partner and attempt to change and optimize myself in line with her requests, but whenever I would bring up something that she had done that I did not like she would immediately shut down the conversation and say that I was making her feel bad and undermining her self-esteem, so I was never allowed to speak about what hurt me in the relationship. I accepted this because it mirrored much of my own self-talk, constantly finding fault with myself. This is one way childhood patterns play out in our lives – we accept poor treatment because we are used to it. Naturally, though, I was not a perfect partner either – usually when my girlfriend expressed her own emotions, rather than listen and try to understand what she was experiencing I would question why she felt the way she felt and try to get her to look at the situation differently in order to change what she was feeling. This lack of acceptance, I later learned, reflected the disregard I would have for my own unpleasant emotions, rather than listen to myself and create a space for openness and honesty in my being so I could work through emotional phenomena, I would constantly tell myself I shouldn't feel how I felt for whatever reason. This is the second way childhood patterns play out in our lives – we act them out on other people because this is how we have learned to behave.

[Mike Fleming]

 

 

Yeah , i don't think its applied directly.

For example you can get the template from your mother or father, or uncle ,etc... any care giver that you see as a role model when you are a child .

 

How where your girlfriends ? (in general )

 

 

Like my mother.  Every single one.  Which is why I gave up on women for a long time.   I realised it must be me and my problems but didn't realise the why behind it until I started to explore self-knowledge and only then could I start to explore having true relationships with women.  Fortunately, my father set a strong negative example that I had a strong impulse not to follow, so I'm grateful to him for not falling into the trap of marriage and children when I had serious unresolved issues.  He was good for one thing at least.

[DaisyAnarchist]

Thanks for sharing that , I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

I also have panic attacks and I'm "timid". I can empathize with you.

If I were your bf it would be totally different. I hope some day you find

a great guy.

Yeah , well my mother always told me not to "bother" other people .

If a kid stole my stuff, she would let them because she didn't want to "bother" .

Whenever someone gave me a gift or asked if i wanted something , i would always say no . I never knew why , but eventually i found out that she would tell me to so no .

She made me feel guiltily when i would have fun.

She never supported me in anything , never care for any of my needs.

Basically she thought me that everyone except me is important.

So i translated that into my friendships , i would just have friends who didn't care for me , and i only cared for their needs .

 

 

Ivan,Thanks for your empathy and for expanding on that. Although, I am feeling discomfort around you saying, "if I was your bf it would be totally different." It strikes me as an odd thing to say. It's like saying to someone you don't know very well, "If I was your friend instead of that other person, things would be totally different." Or maybe it's not a strange thing to say? Maybe it's compassionate. I don't know. I don't mean to put you down for it, I just wanted to be upfront that it triggered me.

 

I'm sorry that your mother made you feel like such a burden to others. I witness this often with parents and their kids, as I work in retail. It's heartbreaking. Your mother must have royally messed you up later on when you would try to have fun, right? Like you get blocked by anxiety and shame before you can genuinely enjoy being around others. I can understand feeling like a burden, albeit maybe in a different sense. I think it was mainly the result of public school teachers pushing that on to me rather than my parents, but my parents are at fault for leaving me with people like that too. Well, actually, my father's yelling probably contributed to that as well. I used to feel like my "stupidity" (which was really me daydreaming/dissociating while people tried to teach me anything) was a burden that held other people back. Like, I ruin things because of how naive and slow I am with understanding things.

 

At this point in my life I've come to the understanding that most of us were wrongfully made to feel defective in some way or other, and now we carry shame with us. Your mother really fucked you over. How are you to make sense of relationships in a healthy way as an adult? I feel angry about that. Was your mother abusive in other ways as well?

 

The other problem is that our parents are the only people in any of our lives that are SUPPOSED to unconditionally love and provide for us. I am embarrassed at how much of my life was wasted in pursuit of that one special somebody who would come along and just make everything all better. It simply can't happen. Thank goodness I came across the concept of self-knowledge and can now process all of that. I look forward to future relationships that won't just entail me trying to leech something I can never have from somebody willing to put up with it temporarily.

I wonder if this is what the Nine Inch Nails song Something I Can Never Have was about.l

 

 

dsayers,

Yeah, you're right. I'm more frustrated that I spent so much time seeking attention (love) in the various ways that I did. I feel like there's much more to self knowledge for me to learn, but thankfully I know enough at this point to know what not to look for in a partner. No one else can deal with my emotions but me.

 

I looked at the lyrics of that song out of curiosity and I think that that could be a legitimate angle on it. Particularly the "you make this all go away" line. It certainly feels like that from the other person, for a little while anyway.

[_LiveFree_]

Thanks for this thread. I would definitely agree. After a recent break up of the healthiest relationship I ever had, I've realized that no matter what I do, I can never have the future that I want while still chasing my family of origin. I'm coming to grips that I have to not only let my mother go for good, but my sister too. And also, my best friend of 14 years who's been the closest thing to a brother.

 

After 15 years, I think I finally have the courage to face that I have always been alone in this world.

 

 

It seems that the fear of facing the truth of alone-ness is what keeps this cycle going.

 

Anybody else experience the thought of being alone feeling like the threat of death?

[dsayers]

I looked at the lyrics of that song out of curiosity and I think that that could be a legitimate angle on it. Particularly the "you make this all go away" line. It certainly feels like that from the other person, for a little while anyway.

 

You should listen to the song itself. It really is quite beautiful.