Why did I go up to my father's house and slap him in the face: My eternal question answered.

[Cornellius]

The title is pretty concise, but here's the situation.

 

Back in April 2013, I've been denounced by my father for assault to a sadistic policeman who told a prosecutor to set proceedings into motion. It is so, and the court date (after four formal mandatory appearances) is February the 3rd. Whether or not people understood that my father had gravely aggravated my deed, the truth is that people opted for the story that I'm a dangerous person on the basis that I was found face in the grass, a stranger and my father twisting my limbs and completely constaining me, then handcuffed by the police. For almost a year now, I've been trying to get to the bottom of things to gain evidence and reason mainly about the level of consciousness and responsibility within my actions during the incident. One of my concerns was to really get to the bottom of things and nail the real, concise explanation of what made me do it. Now.. well I won't hang over it anymore. You can fill in some of the gaps.

 

I was in overwhelming anguish, before and after the conversation with my father on the phone. And that the person with the most visceral authority on me refuses to soothe me with calm attention and rationality, and instead mocks my despair was humiliating enough, but his ignoring that despair with great passion, joy and anger when he finally sees me in person was so unbearable that I lost my mind. When he walked up to me making the face I didn't want to see, my hand was summoned by my amygdala to commit the act that would save my soul from an imminent threat: implosion. I unleashed violence on my father for one minute: two slaps, several insults and a push as he hanged around, signing my own death warrant. Eventually, he started to snarl, and went into psycho mode for the following ten minutes with the law seemingly behind him.

 

I was saved by dissociation and later, despair and a little bit of human contact.

 

I'm shaking and having a hard time relaxing right now.

 

p.s. - the story was edited a lot. I'm tired, but I wonder whether that means anything.

[dsayers]

I felt the story was told out of order. If I'm contextualizing rightly, you had a face to face meeting with a father who has tormented you, you slapped him twice and pushed him, he kicked your ass for about 10 minutes (which you have no recollection of), and there is now a court case where you are being charged with assault. Is that right?

 

First of all, I'm sorry you had been abused to the point of violence feeling like the only option in a situation. I couldn't see any threat in the moment, but this could just be a missing piece of the story. I remember when I first started studying philosophy and pursuing self-knowledge, I had such contempt for my father. He ended up manufacturing a (verbal) fight to manage his anxiety over this by misusing the phrase "second-class citizen" repeatedly. During that fight I was able to talk with him enough about philosophy, violence, the violence he has enacted upon me over the course of my life, etc. It ended with him making it very clear he did not care and was actually offended at the possibility of making any effort to repair any of it or anything within him that might have led to it all.

 

It's not the outcome I would've preferred, but it left me with a HUGE burden off my back. Because if he had taken responsibility and began to work towards repairing himself and our relationship, it would've been a lot of work for me also, primarily for his benefit. I don't mean to appear to be hijacking your thread. Just sharing that I personally don't quite understand how it came to blows in the first place. Perhaps you could elucidate?

[Cornellius]

I felt the story was told out of order.

If you mean literally out of order, then yeah it was told out of order just like Pulp Fiction.

Just sharing that I personally don't quite understand how it came to blows in the first place. Perhaps you could elucidate?

No problem. I know it's a convoluted set of events. Maybe I have to be more courageous and straightforward here. My father made me lose my mind intentionally, and whatever the exact goal, the overall goal was to make me do something drastic, and I ended up responding with blows.

I feel that sums it up pretty well.

[Cornellius]

Wait - I just located a word in your reply I don't really approve of after all. Blow.

blow 2 |blō|

noun

a powerful stroke with a hand, weapon, or hard object: he received a blow to the skull.

 

What kind of picture were you trying to paint?

[dsayers]

I'm sorry. I'm still recovering from decades of euphemisms and vague language. The phrase "come to blows" just means it crossed the line into a physical altercation. I apologize for my ambiguity.

 

I too am mentally tortured by my father to this day. Once I started pursuing self-knowledge, my contempt for him grew while my desire to be avenged diminished rapidly. This is anecdotal and not meant to be an absolute guide, just explaining how it is that I don't understand why it came to a physical altercation. Like let's say you were abused way worse than I was, which is entirely possible. If the person upsets you to the point you could assault him, I would think it would be better to avoid him altogether.

 

So while you may have in fact summed it up, I have no frame of reference in your situation. It remains unclear to me.

[Cornellius]

Once I started pursuing self-knowledge, my contempt for him grew while my desire to be avenged diminished rapidly.

I just don't think you experienced the same thing as I did. Avoid him? Yeah, that's pretty much what I've been doing for a year. I don't have a problem with choosing the right course of action. As I said, I was pushed to commit the slap. I was governed by an unsatiable desire to appease a great anxiety that was making me unstable. If you don't feel that's possible, then at the very least be curious about it. I've been struggling for months to introspect on what was behind my deed, I'm definitely not here to lie about it.

With all due respect, you're just being supremely annoying.

[dsayers]

With all due respect, you're just being supremely annoying.

 

Because I don't fully understand a story that you are communicating or because my perspective of the story you're communicating conflicts with yours? If this conversation was taking place face to face, would you be tempted to assault me as a result of this annoyance?

[Cornellius]

 

Because I don't fully understand a story that you are communicating or because my perspective of the story you're communicating conflicts with yours? If this conversation was taking place face to face, would you be tempted to assault me as a result of this annoyance?

Dsayers, "Eat a cactus" would've been a superior reply.

[dsayers]

That doesn't answer the questions.

 

"Eat a cactus" wouldn't urge you to identify the true source of your annoyance.

[Cornellius]

I think you're taking the piss.

[dsayers]

Self-knowledge is beneficial and empowering regardless of what anybody else does, says, or thinks.

[Cornellius]

I disingage.

[dsayers]

13.5 hrs after the last reply here with no response from me, Cornellius sends me a PM saying:

 

Look, I thumbed you down back, now let's call it quits. I stand by my statement that I'd rather you'd said eat a cactus. I'd rather you tell me to eat a cactus than talk to me about self-knowledge.

 

Three minutes later, he sent me another:

 

If you wanna piss on my lawn, I can piss on yours.

 

He's referring to the ability to vote down my comments, which he has in fact done here twice (when I went to sleep six hours ago, my profile's rating was two higher than it is now).

 

Cornellius, self-knowledge is the purpose of this place. If this disturbs you, you should run from it, not hang out where people encourage it. You're using the rating system as an ideological WEAPON against another person to avoid it. You're also provoking attention in this regard when you perpetuate that which you wish to not be pursued.

[Wesley]

Rating is a privilege for donators.

 

@Cornellius, dsayers is not a donator (that I can see at least) and thus, he does not have the ability to downvote.

 

I do not know who is downvoting you, but it is not him.

 

I am also discouraged by the insults and everything. Especially if you thought that it was justified because dsayers was attacking you by voting you down, which he wasn't because he can't vote you down.

 

@dsayers I have been downvoted occasionally by someone I get into a spat with and then get upvoted later by third parties who will intentionally upvote me as they feel that a downvote may be unjust.

 

Even if 1 or 2 downvotes stick, then it does not matter too much as a general trend of quality posts will lead to a general rating increase over time. In time, individual posts will fade away into the memory hole and will become irrelevant. Generally producing quality content and contributing to the community will be rewarded even if someone tries to punish you in one thread or something.

 

If you are having a negative interaction on the forums, it often is better to not reply and continue the conversation if you feel someone is acting inappropriately in some way.