Cornellius Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Seriously, whenever I'm happy about an interaction or something in general that I've done, I develop this inescapable and lingering compulsion to look at myself and try to put myself in the skin of those who were in contact with me. Would Alice Miller say it's a case of narcissism? I think it is very "narcissistic", not in a bad way, just not good at all. It does remind me of the book Drama of the Gifted Child. Am I one of those children with volcanic borderline personalities? Well, I think so. I usually escape using... intense and relentless entertainment. If you want, I can give you specific examples of that. I have a whole metal dumpster of examples lying in my apartment. It's been a while since I've been happy in the company of somebody else, but I'm guessing that in my mind there's something intolerable about being happy at all. Do you think you can help me with that?
dsayers Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Nobody ruins their own happiness. Happiness is the one thing we achieve for it's own sake. If we accept that reason = virtue = happiness, then sabotage of happiness would come from sabotage of reason or virtue. You did not come into this world able to reason. Your parents modeled reason for you, however (in)accurately, as well as left you in the care of people that modeled reason for you. If you are incapable of reason or are irrational in your use of reason, the source for this was external to you. This is why self-knowledge is so important. It allows you to process the damage that was done to you and replace it with actual reason where appropriate. It takes work, and it can be very upsetting to learn that the people who were supposed to care for you damaged you. But that can be as much in the past as you're willing to work for.
Cornellius Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 I've been working on self-knowledge for quite a few months now. Nobody ruins their happiness? Well, not consciously they don't. But I appreciate your thoughts.
Kevin Beal Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I've noticed a similar tendency in myself. I would get happy and then notice I was happy and then I'd suddenly get a little tense. I would anticipate some kind of crash as if in a mania. I would try and curb the happiness so that the crash wouldn't be as bad. Not that I was never in a mania, but this applied much more to my own genuine happiness than anything else. Because when I'm in a mania, I'm not connected enough to myself to experience that caution and hesitation. I know that when I would be happy at home or school or with my frenemies, I ran the risk of some passive aggressive attack, like how I must be stupid to be happy. Probably because people's own unhappiness became acutely available to them in contrast, and they saw me on some level as the source of that discomfort. A possible origin, but simply knowing that didn't do a whole lot toward addressing the issue in this case. What helped me was in therapy a tendency for my therapist to look positively on every time I was happy. That even if it were a mania, I can still let myself enjoy it. Knowing that offered me relief. I tried to have an attitude of "I'm happy? Great!" Because being happy is important. And I'm sorry that you don't have very much of it Are you in a rut right now? Are you trying new things and going outside your comfort zone? I know that I wasn't only sabotaging my happiness in that one way, but in several ways. I would never challenge myself, never give people the opportunity to connect with me. The safe familiar stuff is where there is the most inertia, and I think that my happiness is kind of like the muscles that grows in response to the resistance there. If that makes any sense. Maybe it's different for you.
Existing Alternatives Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I'm very sorry you feel this way. Just to clarify, when you say “ruin,” do you mean like, you "don't deserve to be happy", you "should not show (i.e. brag) about your happiness", "if you are too happy now, you'd be that much unhappy in the future" or something else. I believe some of this could be cultural influences, that require conscious analysis and overcoming. For example, personally, I tend not to share my happiness with anyone, because they may not be this happy, so why upset them. Consciously, I do recognize that being happy with others is better, but still… I know that I wasn't only sabotaging my happiness in that one way, but in several ways. I would never challenge myself, never give people the opportunity to connect with me. The safe familiar stuff is where there is the most inertia, and I think that my happiness is kind of like the muscles that grows in response to the resistance there. If that makes any sense. Would not your comfort zone be a happy (or at least content) place? So, you would purposefully leave the familiar “happy” comfort zone, to challenge yourself to become happier? Just curious as to why would you do that?
Kevin Beal Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Would not your comfort zone be a happy (or at least content) place? So, you would purposefully leave the familiar “happy” comfort zone, to challenge yourself to become happier? Just curious as to why would you do that? There are a lot of words that are somewhat synonymous with "happiness", so I think it's a good idea to make some distinctions. When I'm speaking about happiness, I mean it more around satisfaction and fulfillment. That fulfillment may be illusory (such as in the case of mania), but the experience is one that I am doing good things with my life. I would say that the familiar place in my comfort zone can include fulfillment and satisfaction, for sure, but it can also contain things that work against your own fulfillment and satisfaction. I don't know about you, but I found that when I just stuck to my routine, my habits, I would eventually get a strong sense that I'm not fulfilled. It's familiar and if things get too much, it's a good place to come back to, maybe, but I think that in order to be fulfilled there has to be a concerted effort to push the limits. In the case of becoming familiar and used to doing something that is ultimately good and fulfilling, that can start to become kind of boring and not challenging and maybe that's not a rut per se, but there is definitely an experience that something is lacking. Like when a guy who's achieved some success, he starts a business that is finally doing well and sustaining itself over long periods. He wants to start adding new products and take it to a new level, as he should. If we were to imagine a company that worked in exactly the same way over like 10 years, the same volume, same products, same everything, I might think that the people who run it might not be super fulfilled. I would probably ask them why they don't try and do more with the business. So, that's what I mean about being happy and pushing limits. Hopefully that makes some sense.
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