Avoiding my mother by traveling?

[Emanuel]

Hello FDR.

Recently, over the last couple of weeks, I've been planning a trip to south-east Asia. I think I want to go over there to live a life that is simpler, slower and more focused on meditation, travel and meeting new people. I have found that that is probably the best region in the world to do those sorts of things. The cost of living is low compared to where I live, Eastern Canada. The weather is also warm all year, and there are basically two patterns(sunny or rainy).

I'm currently saving money for this trip working as an administrator at my mother's driving school. I work just over 30 hours a week, and I take care of appointments, giving out information to students and answering the phone. I get paid a pretty good wage, just over 12$ an hour, for work I find very easy. I spend a lot of time when I'm in the office browsing the web or listening to audiobooks or podcasts.

I also live in my mother's house, and it enables me to save more as I don't pay rent or pay for my food.

Now there are some issues with this. I don't believe my mother ever really connected with me. I vaguely remember abuse, taking the form of verbal humiliation and spankings. My parents divorced when I was 14 years old. I don't remember talking to them about it, or them bringing it up with me. I didn't get to process it at all and was feeling very anxious and depressed at that time. I couldn't get empathy from them in any way.

Now, I've tried to talk to my mother about my issues with my past, and her actions. She was extremely defensive and denied or manipulated me into "forgiveness". After a heated "debate", I decided to leave the house. I went to live with a friend of mine for just over 4 months, and barely contacted my mother or my father. I forgot to mention that I have since completely stopped to see my father.

I know what choice I am currently making: I am not going to talk to her about anything that is meaningful to me, no matter the cost.

I do need to talk to her about my trip, though, and I am sure she will mention how she wants me to contact her when I'm there, and other things. I am thinking of using this trip as a way to divorce myself entirely from my family of origin. I am unsure of how to talk with her about this, or if I even want to. I'm considering just leaving, with her thinking that I will stay in contact, and never do so. But at the same time, I want her to know exactly how I feel. I am thinking of leaving, and meditating/reflecting for a month or so, and maybe write her an email or call her directly to let her know what it is that I am doing. I think a phone call might be the best way.

Now that I think of it, I might also want to talk with her in person about this. I'm really confused about what to do in this situation, but I don't feel like I can get her to admit any wrong that she has done. I'm not sure what the best course of action for my long-term happiness is.

My question is: How do I find out what to do in this difficult situation?

 

Please leave me any feedback you believe can be useful and don't hesitate to ask me questions.

Thank you very much, I highly appreciate your attention to this issue which is extremely important to me.

[dsayers]

I'm sorry that your mother doesn't have the integrity to take responsibility for her actions even when she sees it's troubling for you. It sounds as if you've already done what you can. You can't make people care about you as a person. I did have two questions for you.

 

Now, I've tried to talk to my mother about my issues with my past, and her actions. She was extremely defensive and denied or manipulated me into "forgiveness".

 

What did this look like exactly? By that I mean how did you approach it and what defenses did she utilize?

 

Your title and topic seem to contradict one another. The title makes it seem as if the moving was to evade while the topic makes it seem as if evading would be a side effect of moving.

[Emanuel]

I was feeling down one day after listening to a podcast about confronting those that have wronged you in the past. She saw the look on my face and asked what was wrong. I told her I was very sad about the way I was treated as a child. She rushed to say that my childhood was very nice, and that I had basically no reason to feel like that. I pointed out that I was hit, and was yelled at and humiliated, and she just said that this happened to everyone, and that some parents believe in physical discipline.

Of course, I wasn't satisfied with that and pressed her. I told her I was angry at her, and I know that from this point on I was in rage. I think I was yelling and crying at the same time shortly after that. I remembered vividly some times where I was hit with a wooden spoon by her. I feel that the way I'm writing might make it seem as though the situation was mild, but it was very intense and loud. I told her that what she had done was immoral, and she just said: I don't think it was, what do you want me to do? What can I do so that you forgive me?

I couldn't answer that, and I left the conversation.

 

Today I know that this was not a curious and open interaction. I know that I was behaving out of repression and fear. But I know that these feelings were true. And I don't want to expose myself to that again, even though I think I would approach it very differently if I were to do it again.

I will need to tell her explicitly that I want to leave her, and that I cannot be happy with her in my life. I will need to do that before I leave. I know it's a choice, but I think it's the right one for me. I don't seek her acceptance of what she's done or even an apology. I just want her to know that I'm leaving because I think she's an evil, spineless and manipulative bitch. I know that it's my mother, and when I talk to her she seems to completely ignore her own evil. But I don't think she's an idiot. I think she's playing dumb. Sometimes I bring up the pain I feel about something in the present or in the past, and she has these facial reactions, like her eyes frowning and her mouth moving around. I really think she knows she's guilty. But she can't admit it to herself. I don't respect her.

It's really sad that it's come to this, but it has.

 

About the second thing. It's a little strange because I was thinking of deFOO'ing, and I was also thinking of travelling. But then I made the connection between the two, so there's not really any causality between the two.

[dsayers]

I told her I was very sad about the way I was treated as a child. She rushed to say that my childhood was very nice, and that I had basically no reason to feel like that.

 

Ugh! You know what really pisses me off about child abuse in general? The arrogance in believing that the party that is not the child is automatically right because they're not the child. That somehow we come into this world a blank slate, yet when we describe what we see, it's that we're seeing wrong. Seeing it wrong in a way that would be harmful to us. Here we are, the abused, asking honest questions like "how do we know?" and in the face of empirical evidence, these monsters cannot even consider the POSSIBILITY that MAYBE they were wrong. I weep just thinking about it.

 

I admire you for your courage. You can rest assured that you did what you could. When we're abused, it literally might be that they didn't know any better. It's not a valid excuse, but exposing them to it can lead to genuine apology, remorse, and efforts towards repair. We don't know until we present it to them, which you have. She made it clear that she wasn't as interested in how you feel as she was in preserving her own comfort.

 

I was in a similar situation myself not long ago. Do you also find that even though it's not the preferable outcome, it's better than not knowing for sure? If your mother is anything like my father, I expect you'll find her tune changing REAL quick the moment she comes to face the reality that you can escape her. I hope you will not let this fool you as it will just be an indication that she had the capability all along and chose to torture you simply because you couldn't evade. For these reasons, it might be better for you if you formally sever the connection AFTER you've already made the move. I could be wrong.

 

Thank you for sharing. I know it's not easy.

[Mishelle]

Emanuel sorry to hear about your difficulties with your FOO at the moment and thanks for opening up with us about it.  Dsayers your replies are so thoughtful and I so agree.

 

I believe my travels were both to escape and explore and while they were often hard, I am so glad I did it, and while I was young.  I really applaud you for your adventurous spirit!  I think as far as your mother and what to do about that relationship, you said it all when you said you don't respect her.  There is no turning back from that kind of truth and no use spending time and effort on someone you don't respect, that's very toxic!  Still, I'd be inclined to not just "take off" without a word or under false pretenses.  I would definitely write a letter where you express what you need to and tell her that for 6 months or so you need space to reflect on it all and won't be in contact at all.  Maybe in that time you can write all the things you remember as abusive, and someday if she's really interested in you, and your experiences and perceptions, she can read it and actually try to venture out of her narcissism for a few hours to actually hear you.

 

I hope you don't mind the advice, because here's one more little piece:  Travel while you can, it's glorious!  And it really does get more difficult as you age in every way.

[Mike Fleming]

I moved to the other side of the world to get away from my mother because I was that desperate.  The mistake I made was that I didn't break with them emotionally and stayed in contact.  In today's world of cheap and fast communication the world is just too small and they can continue the abuse through phone and email (especially if they are as insidious as my mother) if you commit to being a "good son", like society expects.   The physical distance was almost irrelevant.  It worked much better 30 years ago when my parents moved to the other side of the world to get away from my mother's parents.  When there was no internet and letters took a long time, you had to buy them, sit down to write them, walk to post them and they took maybe a week or more to arrive.  And when phone calls were quite expensive and reserved for just a couple times a year.  Damn the free market, let's get government back in control of communication so it's difficult for our parents to contact us again.

 

So moving is OK, but ultimately, if you want to break from her the physical distance in my experience is irrelevant.  You can be abused from a distance if you allow yourself to be.  Distancing yourself emotionally (ie. in terms of contact) is more important than doing so physically.

 

EDIT: just thinking, I wonder if the improvement in communication has had anything to do with this drive to face up to our parents now.  Now that we essentially have no escape and actually have to admit that we don't want to see or talk to them.   Traditionally, people have had the option of running away but still nominally staying in contact, but that option has now been removed with advanced free market communication.

[Libertarian Prepper]

This is interesting to read and I think I can relate to this myself, as I am moving to Thailand in a few months to work there as an English teacher, and a large part of the motivation to move so far away is to run away from my parents while I work on self-exploration and uncover my inner child.

 

But Mike makes a good point I hadn't really properly considered. With Skype calls, smartphones, and email, none of that will work unless I tell them that I don't want to talk until they're willing to take responsibility and stop gaslighting and manipulating me. I would say, that if you start your journey with a formal severance, you will feel much freer to pursue the rest of your life than if you maintain contact.

 

When I was in Canada this summer, my parents demanded I call them every single day, and I did. I can tell you, it's really hard to develop as a person when you keep coming back to the people who took your true self away from you.

[Emanuel]

Wow, thank you everone for this.

Dsayers, I appreciate your care and responses.

I am feeling sad about what's going on with her and me, but at the same time I'm relieved that there's nothing more I can do.

If I stay, or I go, my mother will not change. Only I can change, and I really believe that that's the most important thing I've got.

Thanks Mishelle for your kind words. I am thinking of talking to her to tell her everything that I really think, without letting her interrupt me.

I think that in that way, she will know that I am honest. I also want to leave her a letter, or something that captures who I am. But I understand that I don't want her to think I'm still around.

Mike and Prepper, thanks for that piece of advice, I understand how important it is to make your intentions clear. It's true that this technology has made keeping long-distance relationships or non-relationships much easier. I will not be in contact with anyone from back home when I'm out there.

Once again, thank you all very much, and I believe I'm much clearer about what I am doing, and what I will do.

[Dylan Lawrence Moore]

You can always just leave without telling anyone and change your mind later with a Skype call.