Interesting interaction with my mum today

[LovePrevails]

I've been withdrawing from the fam for all the usual reasons like feeling like a bit of an object,

not being able to speak about stuff that matters for very long without peopels eyes glazing over

unpleasant interractions/arguments about the kind of treatment I enjoy (being listened to with curiosity/not interrupted/not being constantly criticized by mum/not being offered unsolicited advice on everything I share instead of curiosity/not being interfered with if I'm doing any task at all and told how to do it better)... also the atmosphere and the fact they fight like cat and dog?

 

Why do you see them at all? i hear you wonder

the main reason is I tach piano here on a Saturday and I really can't say no to the £85 a week ($140)

 

there are elements of my parents personalities I do very much enjoy they just don't come out to play enough because they are usually at a heightened state of tension around arguing with each other and other life problems so they're almost always in a close to defensive mode. If I get my dad out at a bar (as we do maybe a couple times a year when my mum is away) we have a good conversation as its out the house, similarly I managed to get my mum to come along to a 2-day NVC foundation course and seriously that is the first time I remember enjoying her company for 2 days in a row - all the elements of her personality I actually like came out and she was like a little girl trying to learn, it was truly beautiful to behold.

Sadly 2 days is not enough to internalize those concepts and improve her communciation so she is not very daggery and hurtful to my dad or anyone when she gets angry, but because she enjoyed it she is interested in going to more. Looking at the way my parents communicate it would help a lot for them to learn NVC or some other alternative better way of expressing needs/feelings and problem solving rather than using adjectives and having a who-is-right-who-is-wrong conversation. Thing is my mum is not one to read or listen to podcasts, she is a very hands-on person (she does all these courses at college in woodwork, joinery, dress making, soft furnishign, etc.) so courses are the only way she can really engage and those are only on once in a while.

 

Anyway, i digress.

Since that weekend and specifically because, wheras I used to hang aroud a bit at the weekends now I just come in, go to my room and do some work or surf the net, have dinner, then do all on my own, she has been a lot nicer to me. Like she's trying to show she wants to win back my affection.

 

She also says I have been a lot more attentive but I suspect that's because my exposure is more limited so I am less highly strung about interacting because my patience has been stretched. I've been living with my girlfriend for the last few weeks and we treat one another very well so that's been good for my mental state.

 

 

So today I was standing by the kitchen my mum was cooking and I said something. She dind't hear/ignored it. I let it slide. Then I said something else, same thing. Because this is part of a pattern of behaviour I really don't enjoy I raised my voice again and started with those two-least favourite words "You never---" acknowledge me when I'm talking. Well she turned round and shouted "I'M BUSY!!!!" but because I've not been around her so much and I've been enjoying my life I didn't lose my cool, I just said that nonetheless I didn't find it acceptible that she shouted at me, and if she has a problem say it.I said no one else in my life shouts at me and that I thought she was being a bully. And she said "yup you're right" and I didn't know if she was just appeasing me.

 

Anyway she served the food in silence and when up for a bath.

When she came downstairs she opened up the conversation basically saying that she doesn't know why she can't just say "I'm doing something at the moment" instead of blowing up, she knows she has a lot on her plate and said the things that she had been worried about and that she was angry at herself for blowing up at me - which, btw, is a freaking miracle in my house - to have her say something like that.

I suggested that she would benefit from speaking to someone (a counsellor) because her pot is always almost overflowing and if she can speak to someone it would help her unload so she's not constantly close to brekaing point. She started saying she'd phone this one and that one to find out who she could speak to.

 

Then (I had to insist a bit) but I got her to listen through me explaining I get annoyed when she ignores me because it is part of a pattern, it activates all the other times I have come in and said hello or anything and she has just not acknowledged or responded to what I have said and I feel invisible and like a non-person when she does it.

 

She said that when she is doing something she is completely focussed on it and needs to "come off her surf board" before she can even come down to earth and hear me, so what I need to do if I want her attention is actually go over and touch her.

 

The thing that's really stunning about this interaction is that it actually resulted in both parties being heard and a genuine attempt from her to problem-solve

It was partly because I haven't been around much so I wasn't so triggered I lost my cool I managed to stay present, state my feelings and needs, hear her side, and make sure I was heard.

I hope she goes through with seeing a counsellor it will help her and my dad a lot.

He also should speak to someone, I'll remind him when he gets back from holidays he was considering it last time but he's always regarded it as something he would be doign "for her" rather than for himself - i tried to say it was for his own benefit. I think I can convince him.

 

Anyway, since I have to go there financially at least for the time being, any improvement in the interactions make my life easier.

Thanks for reading long post, think I needed to get it out.

[Chris Harris]

You have my sympathy, that sounds like a difficult situation to be in. What is interesting to me is that you said when she came downstairs after her bath she said she doesn't know why she can't say shes doing something at the moment instead of blowing up. Though later when yall had the conversation about how you feel invisible she said that whens shes completely focussed on something she needs to come off her surfboard to even hear you and that you are the one who has to go and physically touch her. This seems like a bit of a contradiction to me, first she says she can hear you but just chooses not to respond then later she almost makes it sound as if its involuntary and she can't even hear you. Also the why she suggests that this is fixed is for YOU to be the one to deal with it and change your behavior instead of her which sounds a bit sketchy to me and makes me think that shes still kind of not taking your feelings or thoughts into consideration, though I might be mistaken.

 

On a different note, one thing that came to mind when you said that your mom doesn't like podcast and enjoys a more hands on approach was that maybe you could find a podcast/video that you really enjoy that talks about some of these issues and you could turn it into a bit of a workshop. Like maybe put on the podcast/video and whenever a topic you would really like to address comes up you could do an exercise together so she could see the connection between the principle and how its used/displayed. I know this requires a good amount of effort from your part and you might not feel like its worth it but it was something that came to mind, and if you have already tried that disregard this second part .

 

Anyways I hope either the situation improves for you or you reach a point to where you are no longer constrained by your financial situation and can leave the environment.

[LovePrevails]

1) You have my sympathy, that sounds like a difficult situation to be in. What is interesting to me is that you said when she came downstairs after her bath she said she doesn't know why she can't say shes doing something at the moment instead of blowing up. Though later when yall had the conversation about how you feel invisible she said that whens shes completely focussed on something she needs to come off her surfboard to even hear you and that you are the one who has to go and physically touch her. This seems like a bit of a contradiction to me, first she says she can hear you but just chooses not to respond then later she almost makes it sound as if its involuntary and she can't even hear you. Also the why she suggests that this is fixed is for YOU to be the one to deal with it and change your behavior instead of her which sounds a bit sketchy to me and makes me think that shes still kind of not taking your feelings or thoughts into consideration, though I might be mistaken.

 

2) On a different note, one thing that came to mind when you said that your mom doesn't like podcast and enjoys a more hands on approach was that maybe you could find a podcast/video that you really enjoy that talks about some of these issues and you could turn it into a bit of a workshop. Like maybe put on the podcast/video and whenever a topic you would really like to address comes up you could do an exercise together so she could see the connection between the principle and how its used/displayed. I know this requires a good amount of effort from your part and you might not feel like its worth it but it was something that came to mind, and if you have already tried that disregard this second part .

 

Anyways I hope either the situation improves for you or you reach a point to where you are no longer constrained by your financial situation and can leave the environment.

 

 

hey thanks for the reply I numbered your points so I could reply

 

re: 1) I can see that concern - I think the point she was making was that when I "interrupt her" it's kind of like shaking someone awake, she is not grounded/patient. While that is "her" issue to deal with - being given the suggestion that if I want her to pay attention I should touch her first to avoid conflicts is still an attempted engagement at problem solving.

This does not radically improve the relationship, but as I say, any reduction in conflict is welcome since my financial situation compels me for the time being.

 

re: 2) That would be a really good suggestion if I was dealing with an acquaintance or friend, thing is with family it's kind of like trying to be the counsellor in prison for the criminal that perpetrated a crime against you. I am far too triggered by all her little annoying habits to stay present through trying to help her. I am very good at helping friends improve their ways of communication but family is just too hard! Too much history.