_LiveFree_ Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 So I called into the show Wednesday September 4th, 2013 (podcast 2474) and asked Stef about romantic relationships and finding the right woman. Here is the podcast. My call starts at about 1 hr 4min.http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/FreedomainRadioVolume6/~3/mo7sxiqZzcM/FDR_2474_Wednesday_Show_4_Sep_2013.mp3 I listened from podcast 0 to 500 before that show, and after, 500 to 1190. Needless to say I have a lot of tools to work with, thanks to Stefan and this awesome community. Since that call, I found a wonderful woman and fell completely in love with her, and she with me. Now in all my relationships prior, I used the relationships as a way to not be alone. I didn't do that this time. I was always 100% honest and open, curious, and empathetic. She reciprocated the whole way. Throughout our relationship we never had one fight, but did disagree on a few occasions. We'd tell each other when we got hurt and talk through it. It was by far the most fun I have ever had and the most happy I have been since I was maybe 5 years old. Due to circumstance beyond either of our control, and to the heart break of us both, we realized we had to end our relationship. I've lost my best friend and confidant, and the most amazing person I've ever met. In my prior relationships, I could always look back and see all the horrible mistakes that I made which contributed to the ending of those relationships. In this case, though, while I was not perfect, I feel like I gave everything I had. I was all in for the first time. Neither of us did anything to cause the other person to want to end the relationship. I feel like I've overcome my pattern of seeking out broken women to be in a romantic relationship with and then hiding from them. I feel older. My question is this: Basically, how do you deal with loss when you did nothing wrong? I feel I trained for the Olympic swim team, broke records in qualifying, and on the day of the final meet, broke the world record by 10 seconds, but before I reached the end of the swim they turned all the lights off and closed down the Olympics forever. This is all still very raw for me so I apologize if it's rambling or grandiose or disjointed. Any help on what comes after a healthy yet painful break up would be appreciated. I've never had a healthy break up before. Thanks again FDR, Nathan
dsayers Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Due to circumstance beyond either of our control, and to the heart break of us both, we realized we had to end our relationship. I've lost my best friend and confidant. I'm inspired by your story of overcoming the effects of abuse in your personal life! I am sorry to read this part, but I was wondering if you'd be comfortable elaborating. The specifics seem as if they'd alter whatever comes next, both from within and without. Plus, if you don't mind me saying so, the pace of your post was pretty in depth, except that part, which seemed glossed over. Given the enormity of its effects and this uncharacteristic lack of depth in the post, I wonder if there's some honesty missing. Please don't take offense to that. It literally could be that from my perspective, I cannot envision a scenario where that claim would be true.
_LiveFree_ Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 I'm inspired by your story of overcoming the effects of abuse in your personal life! I am sorry to read this part, but I was wondering if you'd be comfortable elaborating. The specifics seem as if they'd alter whatever comes next, both from within and without. Plus, if you don't mind me saying so, the pace of your post was pretty in depth, except that part, which seemed glossed over. Given the enormity of its effects and this uncharacteristic lack of depth in the post, I wonder if there's some honesty missing. Please don't take offense to that. It literally could be that from my perspective, I cannot envision a scenario where that claim would be true. Thank you for your response! I totally understand how it appears. And maybe there is something to that. However, at this time, I have no reason to believe there was a lack of honesty involved. Quite the contrary. It was our willingness to be honest with each other that brought us to this point so quickly and at such a high point in our relationship. I don't want to go into any specifics so as to respect and protect the lady involved. I glossed over that part for a reason. It wasn't to hide from myself or lie to myself. It was to protect her. I listen to FDR podcasts daily, have a therapist I see weekly, have a small circle of friends I can talk to, and have already spoken with my mom about it. I would just like to hear what some of you here at FDR might say. Sorry, there will be no details of the situation given. What I can say is that she and I both think and agree that we should not talk for a while in order to heal the wound. Friendship in the future is a definite possibility.
Kevin Beal Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I don't know what you should do, as I've never been in love. I just wanted to say that I feel a little heart broken reading this. In a way it's even worse than if it were an unhealthy relationship that should end before it makes things worse. Because at least you have a reason reinforcing why it shouldn't be. It almost feels like you lost someone you loved. I'm really sorry man.
_LiveFree_ Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 I don't know what you should do, as I've never been in love. I just wanted to say that I feel a little heart broken reading this. In a way it's even worse than if it were an unhealthy relationship that should end before it makes things worse. Because at least you have a reason reinforcing why it shouldn't be. It almost feels like you lost someone you loved. I'm really sorry man. Thank you, Kevin. That means a lot. I've never lost someone I loved before except for my parents. I spent 20 years avoiding the loss of my parents and childhood, then just this past year finally mourning and grieving the loss. This is the first time I can legitimately say that I'm grieving over the person I was actually in a relationship with. I spent the day in the fetal position listening to FDR and Elliot Hulse podcasts which were interrupted by excruciating bouts of sobbing. Sounds melodramatic, but it doesn't even come close to the pain I feel. I want to apologize and thank the forum for allowing me a bit of self-indulgence with this thread. I won't have any personal help until tomorrow and then thursday is my next therapy appointment. I know i have to move on, while also respecting my need to grieve the loss. Maybe this thread is useless.
ThomasDoubts Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I want to apologize and thank the forum for allowing me a bit of self-indulgence with this thread. existing so I can use it as it was intended to be used. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There is absolutely no need to apologize, whatsoever. I am truly sorry for your loss Nathan. I don't have any advice to provide; I've not done enough work to earn the experience of a relationship like yours. I was struck by your apology though, and how unneccessary it is.
_LiveFree_ Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 existing so I can use it as it was intended to be used. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There is absolutely no need to apologize, whatsoever. I am truly sorry for your loss Nathan. I don't have any advice to provide; I've not done enough work to earn the experience of a relationship like yours. I was struck by your apology though, and how unneccessary it is. Ya know, I was thinking about this. I've always apologized for things that really don't need apologies. I think this is connected to me finding broken women and taking on their issues, which are not my responsibility. Will definitely bring this up on Thursday. It would be nice to finally find the root of this. Thank you, Rex.
ThomasDoubts Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 You're very welcome. I think it deserved to be said.
Mike Fleming Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Ya know, I was thinking about this. I've always apologized for things that really don't need apologies. I think this is connected to me finding broken women and taking on their issues, which are not my responsibility. Will definitely bring this up on Thursday. It would be nice to finally find the root of this. Thank you, Rex. I always used to do this too, apologize that is. Even now I find it hard not to, it's been trained in to me that what ever little thing happened when I was young, it always had to be my fault (because my mother is perfect and never wrong, the perfect human being basically, lol), so I just did it out of habit as an adult. My father and brother do it too and it's really annoying so I try to consciously intercept the desire to do it so I only apologise when it is warranted and not just for every silly little thing. I think it's an aspect of a heightened fight or flight. Basically, in my case, it is the legacy of being the son of a psychotic narcissist.
_LiveFree_ Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 I always used to do this too, apologize that is. Even now I find it hard not to, it's been trained in to me that what ever little thing happened when I was young, it always had to be my fault (because my mother is perfect and never wrong, the perfect human being basically, lol), so I just did it out of habit as an adult. My father and brother do it too and it's really annoying so I try to consciously intercept the desire to do it so I only apologise when it is warranted and not just for every silly little thing. I think it's an aspect of a heightened fight or flight. Basically, in my case, it is the legacy of being the son of a psychotic narcissist. Damn. I thought about this all day. My father was a narcissist. It was after living with him that I began this behavior of apologizing in heightened emotional states, which were always negative. It's like I'm apologizing for the situation being what it is, for the other person getting worked up. Shit this sucks. I remember during our last conversation when she and I were bawling our eyes out saying goodbye, I said "I'm so sorry!" and she said "Don't you dare apologize!" I was taken aback by this. Part of what made the relationship so great was her ability to see what I couldn't see and vice versa. In this instance, even in our shattered states, she knew this was past abuse talking and not what was really in my heart. Thank you for this insight. I'm feeling better today than I did yesterday. I know the decision we made was the right one. Thank you everyone for your replies.
MrCapitalism Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 I really don't feel capable of giving any thoughts or advice for your situation without details of the breakup. This is an important detail in a very serious relationship that needs examination. I understand your willingness to withhold these personal details, but it's hard to help mend a heart without knowing what broke it.I hope you have better experiences with relationships, and feel disappointed that this one came to an end. EDIT: I guess if I was to post with brutal honesty, I would ask: If this relationship was so important to both of you, then why did it end?
_LiveFree_ Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 It ended because in the process of exploring ourselves and being completely honest we came across something that was totally irreconcilable. And I'm going to leave this thread at that. This thing has actually spurred so much in the last 48 hours. In the past, I've had difficulty accessing my mecosystem. All the sudden I'm talking to many different parts of myself and it's been completely overwhelming. I'm going to consider this thread done since I now have something tangible to work with. Thank you all once again. This community is amazing.
Mike Fleming Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Just another thought I had about this. I'm mentioning this because (I think) I'm seeing parallels with myself. I have been very evasive in the past with people regarding information about myself. So I'll often say a lot without really saying anything at all and it comes off as being evasive and slightly dishonest and quite annoying, though this is never something I myself realised. I just wondered why people didn't react well to me or that I could never really make good friends. The reason behind why I was like this is, again, back to my mother. She would use her intimate knowledge of me to attack me. Not at the time I said things, but it was like she had stored a database of her knowledge of me and would extract some piece of information to attack me whenever she felt like she needed to (which was quite often as her heightened fight/flight mechanism led to almost a permanent state of hysteria). I coped with this by closing up and giving out as little information as possible until it became my default behaviour, my self-defence mechanism, which, as I'm sure you could imagine is not very conducive to open and honest relationships. I'm not saying this is relevant to you, I could be completely off-base, but I'll just put it out there anyway.
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