Jami Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I'm learning empathy for the first time and I need some help. Please, tell me about your day and how you have been. Then I want to respond as empathetic as I can at this moment. Only if you want to do so, ofcourse.
Libertarian Prepper Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Sure, I'd like to help. I had a 45 minute phone conversation with my mother today. It was a follow-up of a previous conversation in which I expressed great disapproval at her lie when my grandfather died (the full story is in another thread here). She promised to explain her side of the story, so to speak, and she did. She pretty much immediately burst out crying, and then continued for a good 10 minutes, as she recalled her history of relatives dying around her. And then she explained how she didn't want me to feel that pain at the age of 4. I didn't agree with much of her reasoning, but instead of interrupting or criticizing I just empathized with her feelings. Turns out this is the first time she's talked to anybody about her bottled up sorrow, the fact that she wasn't allowed to attend the funeral of her favorite person in the world, and that she blames herself (unjustly, I might add). I won't go into all the details but basically this conversation went much better than some of the ones I've had before, where I was just angry and accusatory. Not to say I don't have a right to be, but my mother clearly has never been empathized with before (and herself feels near-zero empathy), and if there's any chance at a healthy relationship this is going to be a long process. I'll try to take baby steps Dunno if there's much to empathize with in this story but it just shows that empathy and patience can really help, although it's tremendously difficult to give to someone who's never done that with me.
Daniel Unplugged Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Empathy is an emotion so, I'm not sure it can be learned as such. I think empathy refers to one's suffering because of the knowledge that someone else is suffering. In a sense you share their emotion. Many people struggle with empathy because, from a young age we are taught to resist it. The best way to say what I mean is to give examples. Daddy, what is a jail? Well son, that is where bad people are put, to make sure they suffer for the bad things they did. Don't feel bad for them, they deserve it. A school kid sees another kid being relentlessly bullied at school. No one seems to care. No one stops it. The kid knows that he can't stop it, and he knows that if he speaks up, he will be bullied too. The easiest way to deal with this is for the kid to stop empathizing with the victim. I believe all people are born with empathy, and it is our society that takes it from us when we are young and vulnerable. Best of luck finding yours. I'm glad something remained in you. One more thing, and this is important. People are also taught from a young age not to empathize with themself. Children are made to routinely made to suffer by those with power over them: their parents spank, the bullies harrass, and the school teachers instill fear and punish. And of course, the children are always told that they deserve it, that it is fair and right. I think a good first step is to learn to empathize with your own suffering, and then learn to empathize with others.
LovePrevails Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 this video about empathising with kids may help with adults also, it was endorsed by Stef when I called in to his radio show, he had listened to it.
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