Jami Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I'm trying so hard to express empathy but my irrationality keeps surfacing. I feel like my words are hurting others. I just realized I'm talking about myself again. I am still concerned for everyone that trys to get close to me. I feel volatile. It's like everytime another person on this forum expresses theirself I can feel a part of myself trying to attack them. I can see this and it takes me many times to write how I am feeling. What I have compiled is that I should write down what I say before I write it. I am not looking for your alls approval asking this but maybe I am. Is this a safe place? Is that what I should be doing to prevent myself from harming myself and others? I feel strange. Wow that sounds so bad saying that. Maybe I should Not post again on here until I get therapy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wesley Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 What is your history with expressing yourself? Was it allowed? What were the consequences of expressing yourself in a way that made others feel anxious or angry? What is your relationship with making mistakes in your past? What would be the punishment for spilling water or misspelling a word? What were some of the instances where small mistakes lead to large punishment? What is your history with being empathetic? What would happen if you showed empathy to siblings, pets, parents, or friends? Feel free to point me to a thread post where these questions have already been answered, if it exists. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PatrickC Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Yes, I took a hiatus from the boards for a couple of years during therapy. I also wouldn't be too worried, your issue isn't that uncommon and can be resolved with therapy, particularly since you have bravely admitted it. Best wishes withthe therapy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ribuck Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Are you perhaps on some type of medication that is making this harder for you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jami Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 What is your history with expressing yourself? Was it allowed? What were the consequences of expressing yourself in a way that made others feel anxious or angry? What is your relationship with making mistakes in your past? What would be the punishment for spilling water or misspelling a word? What were some of the instances where small mistakes lead to large punishment? What is your history with being empathetic? What would happen if you showed empathy to siblings, pets, parents, or friends? Feel free to point me to a thread post where these questions have already been answered, if it exists. No it was never allowed I would hurt. Feel feelings. The consequences have been life and death up untill one week ago. I still am living in a hostile enviroment. I've made calls have a hotline. I realized everything in my room was terrible. I put it all in my closet because I cant even throw it away without something bad happening. I have been disconeccted from my emotions my entire life until a week ago when everything surfaced and now I can feel emotions and I get very anxious. Theres so much to say and I still feel like I shouldnt say it. you undestand me, I AM NOT SUICIDAL. If someone dare says to do that. I swear. I. THis is what I mean. Look at my typing. I see all this and I'm stuck here. My subconsciousness and consciousness split because of the abuse ive suffered. They finally realized they arent enemies yesterday and came together. I realzed I am gay and my family wont accept me. I know they wont. I don't feel very anxious now. I'm still wondering if I should not be on the forums at all. Are you perhaps on some type of medication that is making this harder for you? Are you perhaps on some type of medication that is making this harder for you? NO I just ripped through my room after I submitted this question and I threw everything that reminded me of my family and god in the closet. This is how ashamed I am of being gay. But Im not. I know Im gay. But Im living with my family. This has got to be what hell would be like if it were real. Yes, I took a hiatus from the boards for a couple of years during therapy. I also wouldn't be too worried, your issue isn't that uncommon and can be resolved with therapy, particularly since you have bravely admitted it. Best wishes withthe therapy. You were being empathetic and I could not recognize it I thumbed you down. It's because youre a man. Now I don't know if Im being empathetic towards you as a person or towards men and what I correlate them with = abuse. I think this might be me trying to leave my abusive family but I can't. I'm stuck. I've felt this way my whole life and just now feel it. What it really is is I have nowhere safe I can go. Every aspect of my living situation is dependent and a constant reminder of the abuse. This has all hit me in 24 hours. I might have to leave this behind. And what it is is I really don't want to because this has given me support but my issues are so deep. I just realzed the half of the reason why I started watching fdr is because stefan is a man telling others what to do. The other half sees him as helping others immensely or do I even know the difference?! I swear it's like im switching from past and present every hour. I doubt anybody can empathize with me. I've tried to find gay outreach programs but I live in the middle of nowhere. I found a hotline but I can't call it all the time. This is why I've come on here. I have to find a supportive gay site. I've looked and looked and cant find it. I want you all to help me. So I can go move on. Whats a site like this but for gays going through this. I cant find it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wesley Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I am so sorry for what you are going through. I do not know of such a site, but working to find a good therapist would be a great step in the right direction. There are therapists who specialize in LGBT issues who may have many resources for you along those lines. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from the boards while you start to work through things and find support. It would not help things if you feel like you are continuing to victimize yourself or others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jami Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 I am so sorry for what you are going through. I do not know of such a site, but working to find a good therapist would be a great step in the right direction. There are therapists who specialize in LGBT issues who may have many resources for you along those lines. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from the boards while you start to work through things and find support. It would not help things if you feel like you are continuing to victimize yourself or others. Goodbye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_LiveFree_ Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 http://emptyclosets.com/forum/ http://lgbtcommunityforum.com/ http://www.lgf.org.uk/get-support/ http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Am-A-Lesbian/165 This is just what I could find. There is a number to call on the third link. Good luck to you, Jami. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Libertarian Prepper Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 If I may suggest, when I've previously dealt with certain issues, it really helped to read other people's stories. Stories of people dealing with the same issues. So perhaps if you search around for stories of people finding out they were gay and their families not being accepting, it might make you feel better, because you won't feel like you're alone in the world going through this, but that there are others who had to go through it and managed to make it out the other side better than they ever were before. Whatever you do, I really wish you the best of luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brock H Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I'm so sorry your in this situation. I just ripped through my room after I submitted this question and I threw everything that reminded me of my family and god in the closet. This is how ashamed I am of being gay. But Im not. I know Im gay. But Im living with my family. This has got to be what hell would be like if it were real. Again you made me cry...stop it! Its sad to think that you are not alone in these feelings. Its sad that thousands of people if not millions of people live their life every day hiding from people around them. The very people that are there to love and care for you. The very people that are here to guide and show you the way to adulthood. These very people wish death upon you. Why?! Because you find one gender more attracting than the other(excuse me if there is more to it). Somehow these people find it appropriate to basically stone you to death for it...and you have to see these people everyday....for that i am truly sorry. If there is anything i can do to help please let me know. Have you thought about calling in and talking with Stef? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamesP Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I am so very sorry to read about your experience. Regarding the use of this forum, here are a couple of things I think are good to keep in mind: This is a great place to get feedback from others, but it is easy to lose emotional context when all you have to work with is text. It is better to find people you can talk to over the phone or Skype, if not face-to-face. A therapist is an essential piece of this part of the puzzle. The other thing is that these forums are globally accessible. Once something is posted to the Internet, you can reasonably expect that it will never go away. This doesn't mean "don't post personal stuff," of course, and if you take a few measures to remain anonymous, this is much less of a problem. I hope this was helpful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsayers Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 My input was going to be the opposite. If your mind is running a mile a minute, I find text is a great way to write down what you're thinking, revise it, re-read it, improve it, etc.Jami, just based on what I've read from your posts, I wonder if you're trying to do things too quickly. When I first started studying philosophy and pursuing self-knowledge, I waited six months before I even began telling others. Part of it was so that I could absorb what I was learning and part of it was to begin on self-work. This way, by time I did get around to sharing it with others, the changes in me were apparent and I wouldn't just sound like somebody parroting what they thought should be said or they heard somebody else say. I waited another six months of discussing these things with people in my life before I took the next step of joining the boards.My concern is that if you realize you've got the right answer after many years of not realizing you were even being asked a question, it's easy to be eager to put it all into practice right away. However, if you have that expectation, you're just going to get frustrated if things don't all turn around for you immediately. It takes time, commitment, and perpetual work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamesP Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 I was referring specifically to the use of the board. For what you're describing, dsayers, I would recommend keeping a journal of some sort. The board is for meeting people and sharing information. A journal doesn't quite fit into those categories. Also, a journal allows you to reflect on what you've written without having to worry about communicating to others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tarker12 Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 This is so sad this society has made people feel this way for something as simple as being attracted to their own sex. My heart goes out to the souls persecuted for this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cobra2411 Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Jami, if you are still lurking around I want you to know how immensely sorry I am for the hell you are going though. As someone who is going though my own issues with family and emotional abuse I can only imagine the added complexity of adding sexuality to it, my eyes are tearing up thinking of it. I am a straight man with many friends, both straight and gay. I love and value them all for who they are, not what label society deems we put on them like straight or gay. In fact my friend Matt who is gay gives the best hugs I've ever gotten. I just want to let you know that there are normal people out there who will accept you for who you are and not try and label you or change you or hurt you in any way and I pray that you find those people and can begin to heal from this. This board can be tough and I don't think anyone would think less of you for taking a break - I know I've lurked a lot around here without posting. However, I do agree with dsayers that writing it out can be very helpful. Now, you can post it if you want or simply write it down in a notebook/journal but I feel that writing it down will help get it out of your head so you can start to make sense of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovePrevails Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 it sounds to me like your head is very busy and you could really benefit from doing a lot of jounalling on the topics that keep appearing and reappearing in your thoughts so that you can get your own views on these issues really clear this will expand your understanding and send you down lots of different avenues and help you integrate what you know unconsciously with what you know consciously and solve some of the niggling problems and contradictions that keep you going round and round it should also help exercise some ancient emotion and make you feel freer don't be afraid to write as much as you are able to Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AccuTron Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 I think the forums are good for you. For one thing you allowed all of us here to reach out and help, in the process finding out more about ourselves. See, you did a public service, but didn't realize it. I also think it's a healthy sign that you put all that stuff in the closet, but saved it. Again, you probably don't realize it, but here's what you did, put into first person wording: "Family and god are too much for my mind to handle at present; I'll put them where they won't clobber me as much now, but can evaluate later." If some laundry stinks, we put it into the washer. What if there's no washer? Then into the hamper, as AN ACT OF FAITH that a usable washer will someday occur. I can't emphasize this enough: I have had horrid circumstances in life, and not just one. I had NO HOPE, could see NO solution. It hurt. Yet, I had Faith. Faith means "I can't see anything good, but I don't know everything, am not a fortune teller, so I must let time (and God for some readers) let it unfold in it's/His way." It's a given that you won't know the future. It's no guarantee of good, but it's not a guarantee of all bad, either. I speak from surprised experience. Is it God or god? You are asking, you are doubting, and that is healthy. Many things feel like crap in the beginning, because it's all question and no answer. But stick with it. Whatever your particulars, stick with it. When it feels too much, look at trees or count sidewalk cracks, some exercise for calming the mind. (A pair of needle nose pliers and some paper clips make an easy to pack sculpture kit; draw a dog or tree using a paper clip as line art, let it be expressive, can you make it stand up on paws or roots? Maybe an art show is in your future. Earrings?) God/TheUnconscious, choose as you will, both work in the background, so don't sweat in your conscious mind what somebody else -- unknown to conscious you -- is already looking into. You might say, yeah right, easier said than done. True, but gotta start someplace. Practice, practice, practice. You can't understand it now, so trying for more complete comprehension will just hurt. That's where Faith enters: "I don't get it, but I'll follow the instructions anyway." A Big Point about that conscious you stuff. You have a liver, doing amazing things, and it never actually tells you, right? I have well discovered that it's true about our brains too. People used to think the Sun revolved around the Earth, and when we finally got our collective egos down to size, figured out that Oh, maybe we're not the center of everything. Our conscious self is just like the Earth. Unless something dramatic shows us otherwise, "we" consciously think of our "selves" as the center of it all. Not true. Our brains are doing an immense amount of, pardon the pun, overhead, and only let our conscious selves know the minimum of what is needed. Not everything there is, just what is needed at the time. Basic info management. That would be completely incomprehensible to myself prior to about ten years ago, so don't worry if it makes no sense. Just know that you have more backup than you realize, and to practice, practice, practice acts of calming and faith. That is how the conscious you helps the supra-conscious you. You may not understand that for years. Another Big Point: you sound young. Your brain, the organ, is in a developmental stage that worked well in tribes, but is clobbered in modern times. Depending on your exact age (I think this starts in mid-to-late teens and runs for maybe 2-4 years), you are right now growing huge amounts of neural connections -- this also happens when we're about two years old -- to be followed by a stage of sorting and trimming. That first part is marked by overwhelming input -- especially so in our complex times -- and a lack of already digested stuff to compare it against. All questions, no answers. There is a medical saying that goes back a long way. It says that the best medicine for something may be "tincture of time." Meaning that, though no guarantees, simply the passing of calendar time often will heal. Which ALSO means, don't take other medicines just because of confusion or desperation. I don't mean to make light of your very real difficulties and injuries, which the outer world provides in abundance. What I'm saying is like advice for a person in a sailboat in a gale. The sailor can't affect the storm, but can batten the hatches, tie down the gear, pull in the sails, run the pumps, etc. Each step seems tiny compared to the gale itself, but clearly make the difference between sinking or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovePrevails Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 Here is a video I made on developing Empathy, I hope this helps: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGY8DRc_BA4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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