Enthusiasm as one of the best weapons

[MysterionMuffles]

That tiny piece of advice has worked wonders for me! I can't remember which podcast exactly, but in one of the five original Philosophical Parenting podcasts, Stef talked about how if you express enthusiasm with a child, you can just as easily calmly assert LACK of enthusiasm when a child is "misbehaving" for the lack of a better word. Kids thrive on the enthusiasm and approval of the proximate caregiver, so for that caregiver to disallow an unwanted action, without yelling or any form of aggression, rather withholding enthusiasm, the kid will more likely to stop because they are connected to the caregiver, and feel like they don't have to rebel against what they say.

 

I've used this a few times, one most recently involved these plastic cup coasters I have in my living room. My neice likes to play with them in a variety of ways like pretending they are cookies and eating them, and using them as a steering wheel as she pretends to be a car. Another way she was trying to play with them was using them as....slippers? Yeah she has this weird tendancy to take off her socks and slide her feet along flat objects like playing cards, place mats and in this case the coasters. I was pretty enthusiastic pretending to be another car with my own coaster and hitting the horn whenever we drove past each other. She was having fun, but then she wanted to step on the coasters and slide them across the hard wood floors.

 

She's had a history of slipping and hurting herself when playing like this, she might even crack the plastic underneath her feet and get a cut, and to a lesser importance, scratch the floors. So with all that momentum of laughing happy fun times, I just stopped smiling and told her, "no please don't step on them like that." And right away, she peeled the coasters off her feet and continued playing car.

 

Anyone else had much success with this kind of approach or can offer me feedback on how I did? I would like to think that was the proper way to deal with that, and just really glad I didn't go on to nag her about the consequences I mentioned here.

[Chris Harris]

This is a very interersting way to approach "discipline" and I am gald to hear that it worked for you! I have been wondering how dealing with children when they are "misbehaving" would be acomplished through peaceful parenting (I don't have any kids so I can't see it first hand) since it seems the main approach/focus is to prevent rather than to fix. I am wondering how old is she and how did she respond when you withheld enthusiasm? Other than the fact that she stopped doing the action, did she have an emotional reaction that was visable? I am wondering because it would be my inclination to try and reason with her after that (as might be yours judging by your last comment) but that might not have even been necessary depending on the level of trust between yall or due to her being at a young age. This also leads me to think that if you do an action without properly explaining it, it might just be the child sees you as the authority figure and stops because you are the more powerful rather than because you truely care and empathize (I am not trying to say that is what happened, just thats something that comes to my mind).

 

Thought a thought just came to me that maybe since I have not been subjected to much just authority, my vision or understanding of authority would differ from someones who sees authority welded just on a consistent basis. If this is true then if a child that is obeying someone because they have just authority would be fine, and since they know what authority "should" look like they would be able to spot unjust authority. Hopefully that makes sense and I haven't run around in circles too much.

 

To conclude, I would like to commend you on your treatment of the situation and it sounds like it was a proper course of action too me since no violence or manipulation was used.

[dsayers]

I'm very happy to hear about your sensitivity towards raising your daughter peacefully! ow old is your daughter? The following input is based on the assumption that she is old enough to communicate with her words and understand you communicating with yours.

 

The problem I see with the scenario you describe is that she's no closer to understanding the dangers of slipping, the risk to her feet, or what it is to be able to engage in such actions without damaging the floors themselves; the things you listed as your concerns.

 

The biggest problem with "discipline" isn't HOW it's carried out (violence vs words), but the fact that it presumes that the disciplinarian is correct. If you talked with her about what she was doing, the dangers and the risks, you might find out that you were wrong. For example, how do you know that slipping or cutting her feet is a bad thing? We all have to learn our limitations and experiencing these minor things will help us to cope in a world that poses some threats to us. Or why not put down a rug over the hard floor you're describing? That way she could have her fun and not ruin the hard flooring.

[MysterionMuffles]

My neice not my daughter God-daughter if anything, for I am the Atheist God Father.

 

Thanks for your replies guys and I can see why it might have been important to tell her why or why she shouldn't do it, but eh she's only two years old. I probably held back on that info because she gets enough of that from her parents. "Oh don't lie on the arm rest like that you might fall, get a big owie and crack your head open." I dunno, Im hoping that was already implicit since she has already experienced the consequence of sliding on surfaces like that.

 

Chris: yeah that's the thing, I'm hoping I can start explaining stuff when she can speak and understand language a bit better. By then I might not be her babysitter anymore but we shall see. Good call on explanations because I wouldn't want her to do as I say just because I'm the proximate caregiver at the time.

 

dsayers: I'm not sure I understand. How can slipping or cutting her feet NOT be a bad thing? As for rugs, we don't have that big of rugs lol.

[dsayers]

We're all going to get hurt all of our lives. In her case, it's not a bad thing to get a little hurt at a time when she's going to be testing her limits more and more and in an environment where she's pretty safe.

 

it might have been important to tell her why or why she shouldn't do it

 

The point I was trying to make originally is that telling her presumes you are correct and that she should do things because an authority figure tells her to. If you discuss it with her, you can figure out together if you're right while helping her to come to rational conclusions on her own. It needs to be okay for her to question you.

 

Sorry about the daughter/niece thing. Me cognitive skills no es bueno.

[MysterionMuffles]

Good point. I guess I need to relinquish some of my hang ups on the consequential part of explanations. I know I can do it without that over concerned and somewhat angry tone her own parents take with her.

[dsayers]

Ooh, well in that case, you also have the wonderful and necessary opportunity to provide contrast to what her parents give her. That will be invaluable to her.