Adopted by a Pedophile

[LooseBrick]

I'm sorry for posting this here but I'm unable to afford therapy.  Also because of my upbringing I have serious trust issues and I'm too embarrassed to talk to someone in person. 

I'm hoping this can be a confidential place where I can discuss my problems with other smart adults.

 

I was adopted as an infant. 

My adoptive father (AF) is a pedophile. 

My adoptive mother (AM) is a beard and willing enabler. 

 

I grew up in the weirdest environment.  My parents were never intimate with eachother. 

I remember they kissed one time in front of me but it was a huge joke. 

AF wasn't interested in women (or men) whatsoever. 

Even though AM didn't directly sexually abuse me or do weird things I hold her accountable and complicit in what happened to me. 

 

These people, these adults, were entrusted with a baby to raise in good faith.

I'm not going to share details but let's just say that my upbringing was very unusual and abnormal. 

 

Why didn't I tell the police?  Well, by the time I was old enough to realize how weird they were it's like, what do I do?  Tell my teachers and the police that I've been living with a pedophile all my life?  Give me a new set of parents?  It's not an easy thing to do.  And of course as I got older AF's despicable actions grew less frequent.  One of his favorite delights was grabbing my inner thigh.  Pinching and tickling it.  Watchout for adults that tickle children that aren't their own.  After a football game, hopped into the car.  He reached over and grabbed my inner thigh.  I told him not to do that anymore.  He said, 'Well okay.  You said stop so I'll respect that.  I won't do that anymore.'  What!?  Why do I need to tell you that you monster?

 

I have cut myself off from my entire adoptive family, including cousins and aunts and uncles.  I feel really bad about not seeing my extended family.  Why should I have to stop talking to them because I'm too embarrassed to tell them the truth about my parents?  I don't know if I should contact my cousins/aunts now, or wait until my AF passes away.  If I wait then my other relatives won't have the choice of confronting him, and they'll be less likely to believe me.  If I tell them now there's a possibility that AF will go ballistic and do something horrible. 

 

I tried telling some of my best friends about my pedophile AF but it made them too uncomfortable.  They deflected the topic or even tried rationalizing excuses for AF's actions.  One even tried to make me forgive him and act like nothing happened. 

 

I'm 33 years old.  I've never had a girlfriend.  Everyone thinks I'm in the closet.  I have no issue with homosexuals.  I have good friends that are gay.  I could care less what people do in their own bedroom, assuming they're adults.  What I have a problem with are adults that do weird things to children.  And if I was gay I would just tell people.  I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of. 

 

Because I'm so inexperienced with dating and being around women I ruin relationships before they can begin.  I'm so awkward or uneasy and it's been ruining friendships that try to spring up. 

 

Can you imagine being raised by a pedophile?  Baby to adolescent?  Being led to believe that your father's weird behavior was normal behavior?  Do you think you'd be in a good position to socialize well?  Date well?

 

Children learn a lot from their parents directly and indirectly.  I never learned some basic things like money/credit, cooking, cleaning, hygiene. 

 

And I certainly didn't learn about relationships or dating.  How could I learn such things when my parents never showed intimacy with eachother, never went on dates.  The closest I came to having a birds and bees discussion was walking in on AF doing gross things with the computer.  That's what I learned is normal.

 

Sometimes I doubt myself and think, well I've seen so many movies and tv shows where people date or couple up, why can't I just follow their lead?  Well I'd argue that kids really learn lifeskills from their parents and simply watching a movie about it won't 'set in' the way daily observations in your home would. 

 

I tried to find my real birth family but there is no information. 

 

I'm in so much pain.  I've been sad for so long that my tolerance leaves me numb.  I have no family.  Can't find my birth family, cutoff from my adopted family.  I don't know anyone on the planet that shares my blood.  I have a few close friends but they all live in different states.  I'm alone and lonely.  I'm so alone.  I have no one. 

 

Oh man, there I go.  Making excuses and feeling sorry for myself.  Gotta fix that.

 

In recent months I've been having unusually vivid nightmares of my adoptive parents.  Them chasing me or me living back in their filthy house.  Sometimes I wakeup screaming and sweating and hyperventilating.  Other times I feel so sad in the dream that I wakeup sobbing. 

[corpus mentium]

Hey LooseBrick, I am new here too, but I just wanted to respond and say that I hear you on some of your points and I can relate first hand. I didn't go through everything that you did, but I did have a rough childhood in some ways too. I wanted to report my dad to the police but was threatened with the consequence of losing one of my providers. That's a hard thing for a kid to face.

 

I can't speak with much experience yet at all, so I hope some of the board regulars will chime in, but I think if you are afraid of talking in person, then it might be helpful to chat a bit here until you can get the strength up to find some like minded friends in your area. I would think with your story that finding a therapist would be a top priority to start working through things. I think if you find a good one that you would be happy you did in the long run.

 

From what I've read, this forum has a lot of caring, compassionate people. I am sure you've come to the right place. Hang in there!

[Coreforcruxes]

Hi Loosebrick,

 

I have been keeping an eye on your post for a bit and I am disappointed that it has not gotten more feedback from the board. That of course does not mean that the folks here do not care but probably alot of them feel like I do, that they are very moved by your circumstance but feel incapable of safely offering advice.

 

Personally, I feel like am in no emotional place or intellectual position to responsibly offer you much advice.but you did say this..."I'm in so much pain.  I've been sad for so long that my tolerance leaves me numb.  I have no family.  Can't find my birth family, cutoff from my adopted family.  I don't know anyone on the planet that shares my blood.  I have a few close friends but they all live in different states.  I'm alone and lonely.  I'm so alone.  I have no one.  Nobody loves me.  Nobody throws me parties.  I haven't received a gift from a friend since middle school.  I haven't been hugged in 18 years."Imagining your pain and knowing the depths of my own has moved me to finally post something.I am so sorry for what you went through.I said I would not offer much advice, this is what stuck out to me, just please take it with a huge grain of salt coming from someone who has not delt with his own issues.

 

"I have cut myself off from my entire adoptive family, including cousins and aunts and uncles.  I feel really bad about not seeing my extended family.  Why should I have to stop talking to them because I'm too embarrassed to tell them the truth about my parents?  I don't know if I should contact my cousins/aunts now, or wait until my AF passes away.  If I wait then my other relatives won't have the choice of confronting him, and they'll be less likely to believe me.  If I tell them now there's a possibility that AF will go ballistic and do something horrible."If you feel safe contacting your extended adoptive family and want to contact them I imagine that that might be some social contact you sound like you need.>> I can relate the story of a friend of mine who was in a similar situation with her birth father, If I recall the story correctly she while in her early 20's (after getting into watching Stefan's videos I believe) posted her story on facebook and thats how the whole family found out. She had family coming out of the woodworks to support her and he was instantly ostracized. << I am not saying that she is you or any of that should translate to your circumstances its just a anecdote that came to mind.Would you mind expanding on what you imagine the AF is capable of doing when you refer to his going ballistic and doing something horrible.There is at least one large incentive to report him (and her) that I can imagine, left unaddressed they may harm someone else.*** to the rest of FDR, this post personally moved me and I feel I cannot be of much help, please give it some attention and I will donate an extra  $10, thanks. If anyone feels my advice is poor please correct me *** LooseBrick, I do not mean to quantify your pain or circumstance with a dollar amount I just know that pain is... pain, and I believe you when you say that you are in it and one person to another I just want to help even a little bit If I can.

[ThomasDoubts]

I have been keeping an eye on your post for a bit and I am disappointed that it has not gotten more feedback from the board. That of course does not mean that the folks here do not care but probably alot of them feel like I do, that they are very moved by your circumstance but feel incapable of safely offering advice.

 Check^

 

I'm tremendously sorry for what you went through.  Nobody should ever have to endure such a thing.  It's not for me to offer you advice, but I completely share Coreforcruxes sentiments.  I'm so sorry, and I'm almost sure someone here can give you what I cannot.

[LooseBrick]

Well I'm worried that if I tell people what happened that my adoptive father will kill himself or something equally horrible.

Despite what happened to me I don't want something like that to happen.

But still, why should I be unable to enjoy my cousins' and uncles/aunts' love?

 

If I do tell them it's going to be unbelievably awkward.  And I think they might not understand why I'm also holding my adoptive mother responsible.  To answer that:  she knew what was happening and allowed it and in some cases helped or participated.

 

Unbelievably weird people.

[Coreforcruxes]

Again, please take anything i say with a huge grain of salt.It is my understanding that it is dangerous for a victim to sympathize with their abuser. As far as having a general scope of human compassion and not wanting someone, anyone to die or get hurt thats understandable. But, when you are in pain and its them or you please choose yourself, you did nothing wrong and do not deserve the torment.Also, if you offer an explanation as to why you also hold your AM accountable I imagine they will understand. The last time you interacted with your extended family was it on good terms? have they reached out to you?

[LooseBrick]

 The last time you interacted with your extended family was it on good terms? have they reached out to you?

There were no problems with the relatives.

They have not reached out to me because they have no way of contacting me.

[Coreforcruxes]

Well, of course If you can manage or justify it in any way please seek out a professional to help you. Not only is that something I believe to be the best option but I have also seen many many people here recommend the same thing for anyone seeking help in addressing a history of harm no matter the degree.Is therapy a viable option for you? ....forget grains of salt, I can with all confidence say that finding a good therapist is your best course of action if you can swing it.

[LooseBrick]

Perhaps other forum members are reticent to post because of liability or just plain conscience concerns.

Rest assured I am not suicidal, I'm just really depressed.

Also I realize that no advice from anyone here is the same as a licensed professional and I'd treat any tips accordingly.

Anyways, to those that posted thanks for your kind words.

[Holo Cene]

You have a lot of impediments to a healthy and organic relationship to reality. One of the fundamental relationships is the romantic relationship and I can see that it is putting a strain on your inner cognition. You cannot be fully healthy until you negotiate the realm of the sexual relationship but at the same time you are faced with a completely ass backwards emotional history and experience with sexuality. You are confused and anxious about it as you should rightfully be. The work of untangling and changing these patterns of emotion can only come from hard work and persistent dedication to experiencing the dynamics of sex and relationships and to introduce new experiences and experiments within that sphere. Your body unfortunately is much more cautious in potentially dangerous situations and for you sex is most certainly dangerous. Your body must relearn it's orientation to sex and to feel and find out in the real world that sex is not monstrous and shameful and despicable, but healthy, natural and good. This takes a lot of work, and a lot of bravery but it is most certainly worth it as it is one of the foundations of life, quite literally.

[LooseBrick]

I'd like to try an shape and encourage what kinds of posts I'm hoping for from you guys.

Some of it has already been shared by some posters here.

 

Please help me figure out what's wrong with me.

Why can't I establish lasting relationships?

Why am I having nightmares?

Why am I so paranoid?

Etc.

 

If someone could share some terms or ideas or theories from psychology or self knowledge literature I could then go look up those terms and ideas or read those books and self help myself.

 

Example: in a different post someone mentioned cognitive dissonance leading to anxiety.  That sounds like me.  Not sure.

[Wesley]

Why can't I establish lasting relationships?

Why am I having nightmares?

Why am I so paranoid?

Etc.

I often preface my psychological advice and ideas, but I am bored of doing so. I am going to tell you what I think.

 

I am not sure at what age you were adopted, but it is possible that children given up for adoption can have lasting relationship and abandonment issues, even if the adoptive family is very loving they may have things to work through.

 

That being said, you were not adopted into that kind of family, but adopted into a family that fosters attacks on children. There was no intimacy or relationship between them. This is the template for what relationships are. It is a note to your strength and courage that you did not get into a relationship that is empty and meaningless except in its fostering attacks on children, like the template you had. In fact, in order to avoid becoming like your adoptive parents, you likely, unconsciously sabotaged relationships that could even come anywhere close to that.

 

The only way to improve that is to do a lot of self-knowledge work through therapy, journaling, workbooks, talking to empathetic friends, calling into the show, and anything else that you can do. I know you said you can't afford therapy, but try and call someone. Sometimes they can give discounts. If not, do as much and as many of the other things as you can. It will at least make things go more quickly once you can afford a therapist. It will take time and work before you will be able to establish lasting and healthy relationships in the same way that it takes time and work to learn a new language if the one you were raised with you decide is not what you want to use.

 

You are having nightmares because you feel the fear that you felt as a child. You were terrified they would try to get you and attack you. You also could not show this fear, for fear of an even worse punishment, so you dissociated and buried the fear as a survival mechanism. This fear helped you survive attack. These dreams are your fear awakening inside you again. This is how you felt as a child at the absolute minimum. I am so, so sorry that you had to go through such terrifying experiences.

 

That being said, it is not paranoia. It is a real fear of something that happened to you. You were in danger and fear was a big friend that kept you alive and helped you be attacked less often and less severely.

 

What you need to do is recognize that the AF and AM in your head protected you from the real AF and AM. They attacked you inside your head to prevent real-world attack. What you need to do is empathize with the child who was attacked, talk to the AF and AM inside your head and thank them for protecting you and then tell them that now the danger of your parents is gone and that now you need them to not attack you and become like your AF and AM. However, they can help you by alerting you to other people who are like them and keep you safe so that people like that will never be in your life again.

 

If you can get your parts in your head working together through lots of work and conversation and negotiation, then you will not have nightmares when the threat is not present again.

 

Let me know if this was helpful or if you had additional questions, disagreement, etc.

[callmeal]

i want you to know that you parents make me feel disgusted and i sympathize with your struggle deeply.

 

'Later I thought I'd made a really close friend and I told her but now she doesn't talk to me.'

 

i want to tell you that even though you story is shocking, it shouldn't lead your real friends to ostracize you. if you told someone this story and they stopped talking to you, it reflects negative traits in that person, not you. not being emotionally mature enough to talk honestly about their feelings and instead rejecting your feelings is tragic, but proof that this is a negative influence in your life.

 

how, when and if you talk to people about these experiences is obviously up to you. but how people react to hearing these experiences will be the ultimate test of their character. remember, its not a lot to ask for sympathy and honesty from people you consider your friends. you don't need them to be time travelers or therapists, who can fix you like a broken car, you simply need them to act like real friends.

 

also i think it might be worth considering how much your adopted parents wanted you to feel fear. they don't want you to talk to others, especially about them, so they cripple your abilities to talk to others. they are scared of you now, and i hope now you are separate from them you are not scared of them in any literal way, so the power balance is inverse. as a kind of punishment, every success you have will make them fear you more. The reason they fear you is because they represent lies and corruption and you represent honesty and truth.

 

i hope you will find this useful in some way. i want to tell you that i think just talking about this on the board represents the strength of character you have, and i hope you prevail over evil.

[LooseBrick]

It's unlikely that I'll tell anyone (outside relatives) about my abuse IRL again.

[Coreforcruxes]

How have you been doing LooseBrick? are you making any progress, have you found acceptable methods and literature to help you?***** I donated an extra $10 this month, thank you to Falsarius Rex, Holo Cene, Wesley, and Callmeal for posting *****

[LooseBrick]

No change except that it felt great being able to "talk" about it here on the forum.

I might email my aunt and cousin.  Not sure.  Once I do that there's kinda no turning back.

[Seleneccentric]

I'm so sorry, LB. Please don't give up.

[LooseBrick]

It really sucks that I can't tell my friends about my childhood.

It would just be way too uncomfortable for everyone.

Besides a confidential therapist the anonymous online interactions like this forum are the only place that I can talk about it.

That kinda stinks.

[Wesley]

It really sucks that I can't tell my friends about my childhood.

It would just be way too uncomfortable for everyone.

Besides a confidential therapist the anonymous online interactions like this forum are the only place that I can talk about it.

That kinda stinks.

I am really sorry that your friends are not the kind of people you feel like you can share what is important to you with. I would highly recommend talking through things with a therapist.

[LooseBrick]

Like I said in the OP I tried telling 2 of my closest friends but they weren't very supportive.

 

I saw a video by Stefan Molyneux about 'how to choose a therapist' and he said something that really jolted me out of my apathy and acceptance/rolling over state.  He said when you tell some people about embarrassing/disturbing and horrific abuse they won't allow themselves to see the elephant in the room and say, wow that was evil I'm so sorry you had that evil person do that to you.  Like they're incapable of accepting it because they're so uncomfortable.  And like in 1 case they might even defend the abuser and make excuses and basically say, well it wasn't that bad get over it.

 

But watching that Stefan video really goaded me into deciding that I'm sick of keeping it a secret and holding it in all alone.

 

About my other friends that aren't as close, I don't think I should tell them because I don't want to disrupt those friendships.  When I meet them for dinner or to hangout I don't want them to feel uneasy and wondering, 'should I talk to him about it?  How messed up is this guy?  Do I really want to invite him over for dinner? '

 

Not something you announce on facebook to your quasi-friends and sorta solid friends to see.  I'm basically restricting this information to anonymous people on this forum, my absolute closest friends, and my extended family if I decide to go that route.

[Coreforcruxes]

Just a thought, have you considered or looked for some kind of support group in your area? 

I have no idea of their possible efficacy.

[LooseBrick]

Haven't thought about that because its so embarrassing and past attempts to tell people have been humiliating and enraging. 

Thanks for the thought though. 

[Coreforcruxes]

I am so very sorry that your past attempts at telling someone has left you disappointed. hmmmmmmm, what about some kind of free social worker/gov provided counselor? I imagine there would be confidentiality and at the very least it would be nice to have someone hear your story face to face. Do you have health insurance? to my understanding he new healthcare laws might cover a couple trips to a mental health professional.If you are really looking to go it alone ( not recommended IMO ), I personally have found journaling very very helpful, as well as maintaining an internal dialogue throughout the day [if emotions are making my necessary day to day routine difficult I try to negotiate with them] , TOTAL self acceptance, never judging myself as a whole, merely in parts and in a gently critical and never vicious way.

 

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