LanceD Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 My son is almost 8 years old. Sadly for him my wife and I have not always practiced peaceful parenting. For the first five years of his life we were rather authoritarian and then began learning and transitioning to peaceful parenting. He has been spanked, ordered around and made to do things he didn't want to simply because I'm his father and he should listen to me. While we were never complete monsters to him, we made mistakes that bring me great shame to admit. I mention this as an attempt to properly frame our past behaviors. While I would never attempt to excuse or justify the wrong things we did, I find it just as important to properly assess exactly how bad we were. Since we have made the change in parenting styles everything has improved. From his behavior inside and outside the home to our relationships as well as his understandings of exactly how he should expect to be treated and how he should treat others. It really has been a wonderful thing for all of us, seeing him act appropriately because he decided it's what he should do is so much more rewarding them seeing him simply act the way I say because he is afraid of what I may do to him. However I am aware that we have done damage to him. Some of this was obvious and fairly straightforward to begin repairing. Such as the trust and bond between us, it started with an apology for spankings and a discussion about how it was wrong to have done that to him and no one is ever allowed to treat him like that. This has been supported by further discussions and talks where much of the information is repeated. There are other things though that are more complex and I feel I need help addressing. He has issues with self confidence and self esteem. While I can see how the way we've tested him in the past has created these problems I am not entirely sure how to help him with them. Im also worried that there may be other potential problems I've inflicted upon him that haven't manifested yet or simply don't know to look for. I want to help him minimize the negative impact our mistakes may cause. Any help you guys can be to that end will be greatly appreciated.
dsayers Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Kudos to you for facing you mistakes and owning them. I wonder how many parents out there learn the truth half way through and then stay on course just for the sake of their own comfort. How much do you value self-knowledge? How much time and effort do you spend examining your conclusions, your process, your thoughts, and your feelings? The reason I ask is because I think the important question is what do you model to your son? If you model a self-assured, rational individual, it would help him with his self-image. This one might be a challenge since authoritarianism models a profound lack of self-confidence. How much do you spend with him examining his thoughts and feelings? Are you not only open to his experience but solicit it from him? Let him know that not only is it welcome, but it's something that healthy people are able to talk about because it's important? I would recommend not just being there for him but also inviting him to make use of that availability. If he comes to you with something, empathize with him. Your initial facial expression for example should mirror his experience so that he knows that as you explore it together, even if it turns out he was wrong to think/feel a certain way, that it was okay for him to do so as this is how we learn. One thing that was hard for me (and this might have absolutely no bearing on your situation or your son) was allowing myself to be valuable. Even once I re-learned the beauty of universalization, I found myself erasing me in ways I would never erase others or allow them to erase me. Like it or not, you've implanted in him voices that he will call upon to erase him in the manner in which you used to. I really wish I knew more to offer in terms of how to counteract that. Sadly, I do not. I mention it all the same because I think it's an important consideration and one most would not acknowledge, again out of personal comfort. I hope that you and your wife and the strength to continue down this virtuous path. If I could, I would choose you over my own parents because they've never even considered that maybe they were wrong.
tasmlab Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 It sounds like you are doing pretty well. Fixing your behavior sounds like a major achievement and the best thing you could do. I would think you just need to keep on being peaceful for a long, long time (forever). Not that it's a rule, but Stef once said (referring to his brother) that you'd want about a 10X time period of goodness to demonstrate that your conversion/apology/reparation is legit to build trust. I'm guessing most of the healing will be just being consistent for a long time.
LovePrevails Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 congratulations on turning things around, hope you enjoy the benefits of a closer and more fulfilling relationship with your son from now on! There are other things though that are more complex and I feel I need help addressing. He has issues with self confidence and self esteem. While I can see how the way we've tested him in the past has created these problems I am not entirely sure how to help him with them.Im also worried that there may be other potential problems I've inflicted upon him that haven't manifested yet or simply don't know to look for.I want to help him minimize the negative impact our mistakes may cause. Any help you guys can be to that end will be greatly appreciated. I think the best cure for the confidence issues is lots of curiosity, just taking an interest in his views on everything and anything - this gives a sense like "I am valued, people are curious about me, I am allowed to say what I think" also encouraging new activities that involve risking mistakes where you cna reinforce the ideas that making mistakes is natural, can be fun and is an essential part of learning having an open channel where he can come speak to you about things and you can enjoy discussing things should gradually bring him out of his shell enjoy every day best wishes Antony
LanceD Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 Kudos to you for facing you mistakes and owning them. I wonder how many parents out there learn the truth half way through and then stay on course just for the sake of their own comfort. Anything Congratulatory makes me feel uncomfortable. We don't congratulate people for managing to make it through the day without committing and assault or robbery, why would we congratulate parents for not treating their children like shit? Parents who stay the course are totally doing it out of selfish desires. I always wanted to best for my son and I thought that I needed to behave in certain ways to teach him about consequences and not let him become spoiled and whatever. So as soon as the argument was made to me that showed how what I was doing was no the best for my son I was quick to change. Parents who refuse to change aren't acting in their child's interests, they are acting in their own interests, because when things get a little difficult or frustrating being the authoritarian parent is always the quickest and easiest way out. How much do you value self-knowledge? How much time and effort do you spend examining your conclusions, your process, your thoughts, and your feelings? The reason I ask is because I think the important question is what do you model to your son? If you model a self-assured, rational individual, it would help him with his self-image. This one might be a challenge since authoritarianism models a profound lack of self-confidence. I spend a lot of time practicing self knowledge, me and my wife regularly talk for hours about ourselves and how we operate as a method of improving ourselves. I think maybe drawing him into some of this may be a good way to go. How much do you spend with him examining his thoughts and feelings? Are you not only open to his experience but solicit it from him? Let him know that not only is it welcome, but it's something that healthy people are able to talk about because it's important? I would recommend not just being there for him but also inviting him to make use of that availability. If he comes to you with something, empathize with him. Your initial facial expression for example should mirror his experience so that he knows that as you explore it together, even if it turns out he was wrong to think/feel a certain way, that it was okay for him to do so as this is how we learn. Yes this is something we practice as part of peaceful parenting. He comes to us to talk about all sorts of things, some of which I know for a fact most other kids would be embarrassed to talk to their own parents about. So I think we have done well here, and even our prior poor parenting didn't really diminish relationship so much. One thing that was hard for me (and this might have absolutely no bearing on your situation or your son) was allowing myself to be valuable. Even once I re-learned the beauty of universalization, I found myself erasing me in ways I would never erase others or allow them to erase me. Like it or not, you've implanted in him voices that he will call upon to erase him in the manner in which you used to. I really wish I knew more to offer in terms of how to counteract that. Sadly, I do not. I mention it all the same because I think it's an important consideration and one most would not acknowledge, again out of personal comfort. Yes this is the stuff that I worry about the most, and there are times when I see it happening in front of me during particular interactions. There are times when he backs down from something or gives in to our desires and it seems like we may have had a successful negotiation but he is simply self erasing and in his mind is experiencing the situation the same as he did back when we were more authoritarian. I think since he is still too young to really understand all of the concepts at work and really put this stuff to words we will have the most difficulty rehabilitating him in these areas. I hope that you and your wife and the strength to continue down this virtuous path. If I could, I would choose you over my own parents because they've never even considered that maybe they were wrong. While the first statement you made offering kudos made me uncomfortable this one almost made me cry. I really appreciate these words more then will ever know. It sounds like you are doing pretty well. Fixing your behavior sounds like a major achievement and the best thing you could do. I would think you just need to keep on being peaceful for a long, long time (forever). Not that it's a rule, but Stef once said (referring to his brother) that you'd want about a 10X time period of goodness to demonstrate that your conversion/apology/reparation is legit to build trust. I'm guessing most of the healing will be just being consistent for a long time. Yeah the process surely will be a long and arduous one. I believe time and ample communication will be my best tools. congratulations on turning things around, hope you enjoy the benefits of a closer and more fulfilling relationship with your son from now on! I think the best cure for the confidence issues is lots of curiosity, just taking an interest in his views on everything and anything - this gives a sense like "I am valued, people are curious about me, I am allowed to say what I think" also encouraging new activities that involve risking mistakes where you cna reinforce the ideas that making mistakes is natural, can be fun and is an essential part of learning having an open channel where he can come speak to you about things and you can enjoy discussing things should gradually bring him out of his shell enjoy every day best wishes Antony This seems like good advice. I will definitely make a serious effort to practice this as much as I can.
dsayers Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 While the first statement you made offering kudos made me uncomfortable this one almost made me cry. I really appreciate these words more then will ever know. I had tears of joy in my eyes as I typed it. It's actually my answer to your question as to why congratulate... There are parents out there that treat their children like shit and think they're doing well by them. There are parents out there that treat their children like shit, are exposed to the truth, and double down. Parents who treat their children like shit NEED to be an authoritarian and saying, "We fucked up," directly undermines one's own credibility as an authoritarian. You were faced with a decision where doing the right thing came at great personal risk and cost and you chose it anyways. As a child of parents who wouldn't, it means a lot to me that you can, so I thank you. Put another way, yes you're now providing what should've been there from the start. The fact that it wasn't there before means it's even harder to do now. I think it's a good thing that the recognition makes you uncomfortable. It would indicate that you truly do own your former actions. It's good to hold onto that, but it's also good to allow yourself to be appreciated for it. I was really happy to read about your son being able to come to you with things most children couldn't.
LovePrevails Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 well don't get too caught up in the guilt feeling of it all either, you know kids learn from how you model so you don't want to be wandering around with a guilty self-image you can't change the past you've seen your errors and you're moving on I think you should eb willing to take credit for that, a lot of people are set in their ways, I can't even get my dad not to put salt in his cooking when he cooks for me even though my mum and I have asked him not to for years
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