door slamming as a form of bullying...

[giancoli]

Just a short post right after an incidence that evoked past memories.

I live with three other guys who I didn't know beforehand. I don't like any of them and one of them in particular...

I suffer from social anxiety and hide in my room most of the time, it feels like a prison.

Just a few weeks after I moved in one of the guys kind of bullied me. He removed my blender from the kitchen, said it took up too much space... Also complained I didn't clean up after myself although I was shocked when I moved in over how messy the kitchen was. I always cleaned up after myself. He talked too me in a very aggressive manner. I just accepted the blender thing and put it in my room. I pointed out that it was not true that I was particularly messy, especially not compared to the standard I observed...His face was really scary and cold, it felt like he could see my anger and frustration and enjoyed it.

When I was particularly busy in the exam period and also had a paper I struggled to finish in time, which he knew. He came to me and said that the bathroom needed to be cleaned.

Now he hasn't mentioned it at all. I'm almost certain he only used it to bully me and make things harder for me when I struggled with the deadline.

 

When I leave my room and just want to get out or do something in the kitchen he always asks me annoying questions like he knows I just want to be left alone, but preys on my politeness and my avoidance of conflict.

 

It is pretty clear by the fact that I always stay in my room as well as my body language that I don't like him in particular and all of them in general.

He has now started to slam his door both to the bathroom and his room. It doesn't matter at what time, if he gets up in the night to pee, he slams the door as well.

 

I have lived in other places earlier and experienced the same. A woman that I lived with who rejected me after I revealed I was attracted to her used to slam the door after her rejection as well. When I pointed it out she pretended to not understand and suggested using earplugs, in other words she was not going to change her behavior...

 

I used to believe that these kind of people simply did not understand what they where doing, but clearly they do. It is small things like this that makes me hate most people in general.

 

By the way that guy I talked about claimed that it could be argued on the basis of morality that if you encountered a RANDOM person who needed a kidney to survive you would be an asshole if you didn't offer one of yours. I said I wouldn't do it and he got annoyed by that claiming I was a selfish asshole.

 

So any similar experiences. What's up with this door slamming?

 

[dsayers]

It is unclear to me how it came to pass that you were living with people you didn't know or like. It also is unclear as to how a place with four people could come to pass that one could legitimately walk up to another and say you need to clean the bathroom. Is there a schedule? Do you guys take turns?

[lifegoesonbrah]

Hello,

 

Clearly if you don't like your roommates you would need to move, but that may not be economically feasible at the moment. By being elusive and staying in your room, you are probably not participating in the normal chores that it takes to run a house. I would make a cleaning schedule to avoid being commanded to clean randomly. This would probably relieve a lot of anxiety.

 

Forgive me if I am making assumptions, but it is somewhat inevitable on a forum. It sounds like you do not have a lot of self confidence, you should be able to negotiate a cleaning schedule with your roommates but it sounds like you just avoid the situation all together.

[giancoli]

It is unclear to me how it came to pass that you were living with people you didn't know or like. It also is unclear as to how a place with four people could come to pass that one could legitimately walk up to another and say you need to clean the bathroom. Is there a schedule? Do you guys take turns?

I was pretty much forced to it due to my economic circumstances. Also it is really hard to find a place to live here...I just had to take whatever I could find...

I'm trying to find a new place, cant stand it here, sick and tired of living with other strangers.

The plan was to clean one week each. There are two bathrooms and I share mine with this guy. I noticed that he didn't clean the next week, but didn't care. I thought, well then I wont clean the next week either. I don't really care about it, so for me the ideal to just let it be. He has not brought it up since. Strange how it mattered so much to him exactly the week I was the most busy...

 

It is a combination of my anxiety and the fact that I don't like these people that makes it exhausting to live here. I just wanted to share the door slamming thing cause I have lived several places and noticed it several times. It also brings back memories to when I was living home and my sisters would slam the kitchen door after an argument. Sometimes so hard that some plates would fall down to the floor and brake. I'm a pretty sensitive guy and this stuff creates a very hostile environment.

Hello,

 

Clearly if you don't like your roommates you would need to move, but that may not be economically feasible at the moment. By being elusive and staying in your room, you are probably not participating in the normal chores that it takes to run a house. I would make a cleaning schedule to avoid being commanded to clean randomly. This would probably relieve a lot of anxiety.

 

Forgive me if I am making assumptions, but it is somewhat inevitable on a forum. It sounds like you do not have a lot of self confidence, you should be able to negotiate a cleaning schedule with your roommates but it sounds like you just avoid the situation all together.

Yes I'm very bad at negotiation. I have gotten worse since my social anxiety has increased over the years.

And yes I need to move asap, but it is not easy to find an alternative, cause there is a lot of demand in this area and high competition.

[dsayers]

So you're a selfish asshole for not partaking of invasive surgery for the sake of somebody you don't even know, but he's in a position to say so despite not taking a few minutes to scrub some cleanser here and there as is his obligation?

 

Yes I'm very bad at negotiation.

 

You're not very bad at French if you've never been exposed to French. It would be more accurate to say that your parents never modeled for you or taught you how to negotiate, nor it's importance.

 

Anyways, any sort of physical communication is a demonstration of lack of ability of verbal communication. You put your blender in your room rather than explain to him the kitchen is the room it was made for. He slams a door rather than address his frustrations. Both of you are avoiding verbal communication with these actions. Not criticizing you; It's understandable to not invite the wrath of another, especially over little things.

 

It's probably way too late, but for future's sake, I'll tell you one thought that popped into my head about the blender. I would've made a couple shakes with it, handed him one, and said, "I can only make these for us if the blender's in the kitchen." It's a mutually beneficial gesture, it allows you to be both outgoing and assertive, and incentivizes him to not try and diminish you or your portion of your shared space.

 

Once upon a time, I was living on my own in an apartment complex. Right about the time I was going to order some pizza, I noticed that some new tenants were moving in below me (8 units per building, so kind of cozy). I had considered ordering some extra as sort of a welcome gesture. In the end, I chose not to because I was kind of ripe and wasn't up for cleaning up just to meet the new neighbors. I wasn't accustomed to socializing with strangers.

 

Anyways, they ended up befriending an arrogant asshole who lived across the hall from me. He REALLY didn't like the fact that I owned a gun, complained to the management, and it led to them not charging my CC on file, then evicting me for non-payment. These people stood outside the doorway and talked very loudly quite often. I once heard them talking about my techno music, which surprised me since I've always kept my music low because I have very sensitive ears.

 

As I look back, I can't help but think that a 10 minute shower and $10 pizza might've made that entire progression look very different. I'm not blaming myself for the nefarious actions of others in either of our stories. Just pointing out different, proactive ways of bridging the gap between people. Don't mean to play the hindsight game as it's an unfair one. Thought I'd mention it since it sounds like such a thing would be helpful for you too.

[Dylan Lawrence Moore]

 

 

So any similar experiences. What's up with this door slamming?

 

It looks to me like it's a public announcement that you need to walk on eggshells in my presence because I feel you need to.

 

Sounds like the guy is displaying typical bullying behavior, in which case any attempt for you to rationalize with him is not only a waste of breath, it's a win for him because he gets to throw around emotional attacks while you attempt to rationalize. It's like he's throwing fists and you're playing chess, and in response to his fists you think harder about your chess moves, which in reality is just taking energy away from you actually defending yourself.

 

I spent a large, large amount of my life living like that. I originally developed it from living with my mother who more or less acted to same way you just described this roommate of yours, but I went from one living situation to another where that was the case after that before I finally learned my lesson: speak up. I had to get emotional back; I had to learn how to say NO, THIS IS MY SPACE.

 

The first time is always hard, and as soon as you do it the first reaction you'll get from the bully is that you are the one bullying and being irrational. Just ignore this and keep at it. The bully's rhetoric may not change, but his behavior sure as hell will. The interesting thing about a bully, like most predators, they only go after the weak and sickly, as the full-grown and healthy adult prey are too difficult and, frankly, too dangerous to deal with. As soon as you let the bully know that you're a healthy full-grown adult, he's going to look somewhere else for weak prey.

 

If I were in the situation, I simply wouldn't let the guy speak to me like that. When he says "that the bathroom needs to be cleaned" in that manner to you, arguing about the state of the bathroom automatically makes you lose: you're still putting yourself under his commands. I would try to come back with something like, "Yea, that may or may not be the case. But what's more pressing is that you need to speak to me more respectfully. Until then, I'm not doing anything." If he were to argue that he IS being respectful, just keep repeating it until he changes his attitude. In my experience they usually do.

 

Also, I would recommend doing this before moving out. You mentioned (like me) that you've had these experiences before. So if you don't learn how to deal with them, you're going to have them again and again.

 

Good luck.

-Dylan

[giancoli]

Thanks for the replies guys.

 

I just redicsovered some thoughts I have on this stuff in a more general manner. I started to write about it, but I'm realizing that I have to go to the doctor now to be in time.

I'll post later.

 

I really enjoy this website, gives me some enthusiasm that fuels my everyday life!

 

edit: I have not found the time and energy to finish my thoughts on this. Sorry for making false promises it turned out to be more complicated than I thought and I just ended up confused and put it aside.

[giancoli]

Hi! Not sure anyone cares, but I just got confirmed I got a new apartment, I'm moving in in the middle of march. Finally my own apartment, no more do I have to live with strangers!

I really needed this! The woman I'm renting towards( i can hear this is bad english, but cant find a better word) seems really nice. Its really high competition here so you really have to give a good impression, felt good that she decided to pick me. Luckily I went there in a pretty good mood.

Just wanted to share this, seems things finally are going better for me.

 

Just listening to stefs podcast has given me a sort of awakening. When I walk around I can see how much people around me suffers, how isolated we are from each other, how everyone avoids eye contact, looks into their phones, their own little worlds. I want to build my strength so I can dare to be happy and lift people around me up. I felt I was able to connect a little with this woman and maybe thats why she picked me. Obviously there was some self interest going on there, but still.

 

By the way, I introduced my youngest sister to stefs content. She has listened to real time relationship and are listening to on truth. She says that she finds it interesting. Hope she doesnt feel she has to do it out of obligation, but I think not. I at least made it clear that I didnt want her to listen to it if she did not find it interesting.

 

I shared my thoughts on the feeling of invisibility growing up, a sort of neglect that I only can see now, because I didn't know any better. She told me that she had told her friend once, when drunk that there was no real love in our family. She seems to agree with me on this, so its not something I invent to justify my failures as a grown man, like my father claims.

 

I told her I remembered when I came home for visit once, without any warning, that she, when opening the door bursted into tears and said she had missed me a lot. When I told her on the phone I remembered this she started crying..I felt bad I didn't connect with her earlier.

 

It's kind of too late now. shes moving out and are left with some of the same wounds. But she told me she had some really good friends that supported her, so I think she has not suffered the same isolation as me.

 

I just want to make sure she doesn't choose a partner that is as emotionally disconnected as my father, that's why I introduced her to stefs content, real time relationship in particular.

She seems to be doing fine, but I really don't know. Like the selfish bastard I have been I haven't really supported her that much even though I care about her, shes the only one of my sisters I really like.

 

 

I have some memories of things I have done to her that I don't feel good about though, so I have to find a moment to apologize. Why apologize? For my own selfish need of removing guilt? Or to give her moral clarity. The latter is important right. I will put myself in  a worse light by bringing this up so I feel this is for her own good am I right?

 

I used to make fun of how she mispronounced words. Also another episode which was really bad: I got one of my sisters to cooperate to blindfold her and pretend to throw her down the stairs, then throw her into the bed of my parents.

 

I thought about it as funny at the time, but now I realize how fucked up it is. This is really cruel. Also I called her gollum when the two towers came out. Damn I feel bad about that.

 

I did a lot of good things also though like taking her on walks in nature and talking to her, but those things mentioned I feel really bad about.

[dsayers]

I'm happy for you that you finally get to escape that environment. Just remember it's never completely over. You'll always share walls or fences with other people, so it's always a roll of the dice. When you move, if your new neighbors don't make contact, right away, you can be the one to make that contact. A few minutes up front can save you untold amounts of stress in the long run.

 

It's kind of too late now. shes moving out and are left with some of the same wounds. But she told me she had some really good friends that supported her, so I think she has not suffered the same isolation as me.

 

Depends. If her friends lack self-knowledge or otherwise allow her to hold inferior thoughts and behaviors, it could be worse than being alone.

 

Anyways, it's never too late if it's important to you. If you try to apologize and she slams a door in your face, then you might have to wait for her to come to you. Otherwise, it's something she would probably enjoy learning about you. Just make sure the apologies are you owning your behaviors and not trying to justify or explain them away. Once she's accepted your apology and the healing has begun, then you can discuss how it came to pass. Which is easier for siblings than just friends since they typically experience similar abuses.

 

So how soon is the move for you?