Culain Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Everyday I can slowly feel life draining away from me, I'm so full of this agony which I've never learned how to properly process or express. It doesn't matter how much content I consume because I still can't fundamentally express myself... 10,000+ hours invested into libertarian philosophy and I still have nothing to show for it. I'm terrified of expressing my feelings to others, I've never raised my voice in my whole life, I've never cried out in pain. I've self attacked to the point where I've domesticated my mind to this abuse; I'm in a state of complete collapse. I'm losing my grip on reality and I don't know if there's any fight left in me to continue. I've typed this message around 50 times over a course of 3 years but i've never been able to publish it... maybe just give myself 1 more day. Well, I'm out of time. If there's ever been one thing I've always wanted to do with my life it's been to scream... just yell as loud as mu lungs will allow, but I can't I'm just terrified of everything... everything scares me.
dsayers Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I cannot fathom that level of helplessness. I'm glad you spoke up. Who tortured you that you feel this level of agony?
Dylan Lawrence Moore Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Try actually screaming. If you have an inhibition to speak, then it's something actually within your muscle memory and you're going to have to develop new muscles and "neural pathways" to fix it. And like with any other muscle, the only way to develop it is to work out with it.
Culain Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 I just have all these mental blocks built into me from trying to be the child that wouldn't cause a problem for the family. When I was young I developed the mentality that cutting off my emotions made me tougher. My parents said that I'm a fighter because my name means 'To Fight for God'... kind of laughable IMO especially when my body was so malnourished growing up that I remained very small. I am unbelievably worried about what others may think of me despite having nobody that i consider a friend. I don't yell out because others will hear me and even though they mean nothing to me I avoid conflict like a plague. I have a habit where I lie constantly about my own condition such as telling people that I have a job and financially stable when it is the complete opposite. I lie to manipulate the perception of others towards me so that I don't cause them worry; I am so worried of others that I don't look after myself, I think it's why i gravitated to libertarianism because I could point out all the problems with society while avoiding myself. Though this has all been taking a toll on my mind, I've recently become aware that I've cultured Sadism into my mind, my mind seeks pleasure from the suffering of others... it's like I begin to normalize myself when I spend large portions of my day reading up on the horrible atrocities occurring around the world, I won't even bother getting into my more unhealthy habits because I know I'm very mentally sick.
_LiveFree_ Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Talking about it won't do shit. It's time to let it out. Right now. You won't die. And you won't hurt others. Feel it all and watch it pass away. See you on the other side, Culain
Wesley Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I am so sorry that happened too you. Being cut off from your emotions, to separate the mind and body... That is a terrible thing to endure. Don't let them win.
dsayers Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I developed the mentality that cutting off my emotions made me tougher. I used to make this same ex post facto justification. I'm thankful that The Philosopher's Toolkit helped me to understand how beneficial emotions are even in terms of rational thinking. If you don't mind me saying so, you speak as if you own trauma that was inflicted upon you. This is why I asked up front who did this to you. Are you able to identify who? Or identify what they did to you makes you feel?
giancoli Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Everyday I can slowly feel life draining away from me, I'm so full of this agony which I've never learned how to properly process or express. It doesn't matter how much content I consume because I still can't fundamentally express myself... 10,000+ hours invested into libertarian philosophy and I still have nothing to show for it. I'm terrified of expressing my feelings to others, I've never raised my voice in my whole life, I've never cried out in pain. I've self attacked to the point where I've domesticated my mind to this abuse; I'm in a state of complete collapse. I'm losing my grip on reality and I don't know if there's any fight left in me to continue. I've typed this message around 50 times over a course of 3 years but i've never been able to publish it... maybe just give myself 1 more day. Well, I'm out of time. If there's ever been one thing I've always wanted to do with my life it's been to scream... just yell as loud as mu lungs will allow, but I can't I'm just terrified of everything... everything scares me. I have the same urge some times, not to make it about me though. Maybe you should take a walk in nature somewhere, then scream out loud. I have thought about this sometimes, then I got scared someone should hear it and think I was completely crazy or that some accident happened. But realistically nothing would probably happen and the experience might give you some benefit. And if it does not benefit you at least you know that you did it. I know though that this is a rather annoyingly practical approach, it has nothing really to do with screaming perhaps, just your way of expressing your pain. I'm sorry for all that happened to you that led you up to this. What works for me sometimes is listening to really sad music that makes me cry. If it is really bad sometimes it doesn't work cause the feelings are so deep inside they wont out, or I don't really listen to the music well enough, I don't connect with it. But when it works, when I cry, I feel so much better afterwords. You should give it a try. Just lock your self alone in your room, turn of the light and focus your mind on your inside, listen to some sad music on your head phones, feel your pain and let the music help you cry. But maybe your emotions are different and is more about rage. Then try to find music that lets that out perhaps. One song that helps me cry is this one: another one is this one: Sorry if this just annoys you, I can only show you my personal angle.
Culain Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 What works for me sometimes is listening to really sad music that makes me cry. If it is really bad sometimes it doesn't work cause the feelings are so deep inside they wont out, or I don't really listen to the music well enough, I don't connect with it. But when it works, when I cry, I feel so much better afterwords. I don't have any difficulty in expressing my emotions to myself, I cry almost every night. Maybe I phrased it badly but simply screaming for the sake of screaming away the 26 years of agony harbouring in me won't change anything, I want the courage to let the world know that I am a human being. Dsayer, this trauma was inflicted to me by my family. I am the middle child in a large family and my mother divorced my father, I grew up with a step-dad who was both distant and abusive to me. They never took any ownership of this when i confronted them 5 years ago. I've had all the resources since then and the knowledge to seek out proper treatment (therapy), yet I neglected it in the hopes of overcoming it myself because I'm terrified of exposing myself to others. It's taken me years to so much as confide anonymously in an online forum. The trauma is mine to own.
dsayers Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 The trauma is mine to own. I enthusiastically disagree. I also want to point out that I think taking responsibility for something somebody else is responsible for inflicting upon you would only add to your agony. If you assign responsibility to you that which somebody else is responsible for, you simultaneously are powerless to change it or escape it. The very definition of agony. If however you assign responsibility where it belongs, you'll be able to begin to see how it has altered your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions. If you accept that it was not your responsibility, you will have an easier time being honest with yourself about who you really are. Put the two together, and you have a foundation for real healing to begin. For example, I have an understanding of who I am and who I feel I should be. By being honest with myself about myself and the origins of the things in me I think need my effort and attention to change, I am empowered with the capacity to actually change them. In the meantime, it is less tortuous to me to be a carrier for such things because I understand that they are not there by my choice or by any fault of mine. Please let me know if there's anything here you disagree with or see as being unhelpful or not applying to you.
_LiveFree_ Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I don't have any difficulty in expressing my emotions to myself, I cry almost every night. Maybe I phrased it badly but simply screaming for the sake of screaming away the 26 years of agony harbouring in me won't change anything, I want the courage to let the world know that I am a human being. Dsayer, this trauma was inflicted to me by my family. I am the middle child in a large family and my mother divorced my father, I grew up with a step-dad who was both distant and abusive to me. They never took any ownership of this when i confronted them 5 years ago. I've had all the resources since then and the knowledge to seek out proper treatment (therapy), yet I neglected it in the hopes of overcoming it myself because I'm terrified of exposing myself to others. It's taken me years to so much as confide anonymously in an online forum. The trauma is mine to own. It will change things. And it's exactly what it sounds like you need to do. When I finally started allowing myself to feel the rage built up inside of me, I had an experience where i just let it take over me. I ended up punching my mattress extremely hard with my fist over and over for about 5 minutes. Almost broke my wrist. It is what I needed to do. And once I did, my dad no longer had control over me. I didn't have to cry every night.
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