The frustration...

[Yeravos]

Hello. I wanted to share this with the board, in the hopes of someone might have advice they could share with me. Be warned though, this could very likely be a very messy post, because my thoughts are all over the place.

 

My situation today: I am in collage, studying at the moment two REALLY easy courses, which gives me in a sense, all the free-time in the world. This has been the case for a month now. My weeks have looked like this basically: Go to the gym 3-4 times a week, listen to pod-casts on FDR, work as a volunteer at my union's union-house as a chef's apprentice and as personal when there are night-clubs, go to parties with my friends, work within my fraternity, hang with my two closest friends in my dorm. However, the last week or so, I have noticed something that consumes enormous amounts of my time: Sitting in front of the computer, doing practically nothing. Basically pressing F5 while on facebook.

 

And for the last few days, my mood has deteriorated. I have felt apathetic, powerless. Imprisoned within my own room, and I am my own guard. Or, my anxieties are my guards. Well, that's a hypothesis I have at least. Could be wrong of course. What I mean by that is, that I am running short on money. I am, for the  first time in my life, approaching a situation where I MUST find myself a job to pay the rent and put food on my table. Problem is, I have extreme anxiety around the prospect of applying for a job. Essentially paralyzing me when I for example, try to write a resume.

 

Today, just 20 minutes ago, I took out my camera, and recorded myself for 30 minutes straight (I used to do my journaling text, but now I am trying out video-journaling and I find it easier actually), just blurting out stuff. Stuff like ''Alright, I am really frustrated because I want something to do! But not just something to pass the time, but something I have a passion for! Something that I can devote almost all my time to, make a living out of, have as my life-goal! I want a purpose! I want meaning!'' My mind was racing at this point, I wasn't sitting down recording, but pacing about, starting to breathe like I had been running for 30 minutes as a not-so-fit-person (basically, I hadn't done anything physically that would make me breathe like that).

 

I would stop talking during that time and start to sing instead, that I didn't know what to do with my life. I also noticed a few thoughts pop up in my mind, which did not make sense to me. Thoughts like ''Your life is over, it's to late to achieve anything, you had your chance but you passed it up!''. Even though, intellectually, I know that I still have time. I am only 21 years old, and I have passion! I have good health!  But I don't know where to put all my potential! I don't know what to do with my life.

 

Sigh. I am sorry if it is all over the place.

 

[PatrickC]

Interesting.. I've done a lot of voice (recorded) journalling.. I think if you keep these videos private for yourself. No reason why you can't experience some catharsis with them..Best wishes!..

[ebrink06]

Do you do any of the aforementioned activities on purpose for your own enjoyment? Or do you do them out of habit, obligation, or by accident?

[Yeravos]

Do you do any of the aforementioned activities on purpose for your own enjoyment? Or do you do them out of habit, obligation, or by accident?

 

That's a really good question.

 

Well, going to the gym is to stay in shape, sure it can be fun sometimes, but to me, it's like brushing my teeth: it's good for you.

 

Listening to pod-casts from FDR is a combination of improving my mental health and because I enjoy listening to them.

 

Working as a chef's apprentice...Hm this one is a bit more foggy. But I like to cook, so I enjoy being there and doing just that.

 

Working during night-clubs... Well, that's enjoyable to, but not to the same degree as working in the kitchen. However, working during night-clubs gives me an opportunity to work with my social anxiety a bit.

 

Working with the fraternity. Well. Hm. This one is tricky. This one might be more related to ''status'' so to speak within the union to be completely honest. Because there are quite a few people in my fraternity that I don't get along with. Although, one of the reasons I had when I wanted to join the fraternity was that I wanted to improve it (that is something I try to work with within my union: I want to help preserve the community by arranging activities for the union members, through my fraternity).

 

Going to parties with friends. Yes, sometimes that's enjoyable, I love going to the dance floor, just let my spirit free for a while (aka spasming ), singing songs when we have dinner-parties and stuff like that. But part of it is also about status I think. That I am one of those people that other people know.

 

Hanging out in the dorm with my two closest friends. That's enjoyable. Well, not as enjoyable as it used to be. The thing is, when we are one-on-one with each other, we most of the time have no problem delving into deep, honest, curious conversations (that's what I really enjoy with those friends). But, when the 3 of us are together, it's another atmosphere. It's more shallow. And lately, I think it has gotten worse.

 

Thanks for your time ebrink06!

[dsayers]

Alright, I am really frustrated because I want something to do! But not just something to pass the time, but something I have a passion for!

 

I've noticed that sometimes people confuse the beginning, middle, or end of a story (or chapter) with another part of it. In this case, I mean that doing something just to pass the time isn't a great way to end a story. There's nothing wrong with it as a beginning. Or in the case of somebody who is paralyzed by anxiety, it's a perfectly acceptable step forward. I think you should allow this for yourself, if only to get your mind off of the anxiety or its paralyzing effects from dwelling on it.

 

A short circuit is when an electrical circuit returns to the source with no inline load. Nothing to "soak up" the electricity, to put it to use. In a way, you could think of the paralysis as a short circuit of not doing SOMETHING. Get a load in there to soak up the energy. Bad analogy, I confess. But in your case, it sounds as if the prejudice that doing something just to pass the time is bad is preventing you from doing anything. That's not good.

 

The journaling, by whatever media, is not a bad idea. It takes time to produce and time to review. It's not wasted time either since it might help you connect dots that need connecting or that you don't even think are there. Sorry, I've got to stop now before I reach a bad analogy hat trick.

[cynicist]

The first part of your post seems really disconnected from the second. You start by saying that you have a lot of free time and now must find a job since you are running out of money. Then, all of a sudden you are talking about some productive goal that you can pour your life energy into, which has meaning and purpose! Seems to me like you can deal with the former by getting any job available, and then deal with the latter while being financially secure.

 

In my experience, when feelings of anxiety and paralysis are involved it's because you are dealing with an impossible situation (which itself is the result of trying to adhere to two opposing ideas at the same time). Perhaps you are telling yourself that you must find a job to pay the bills but that this job must also be meaningful, in effect setting this extremely high standard that is keeping you from even starting to look. I say these are opposing ideas only because if you will run out of money soon than it is rather short notice, and you aren't giving yourself much time to find this dream job. It could be another set of ideas, this is just one possible example.

 

Your whole post makes it sound like you are just rushed, completely out of time. Why do you feel like things are impossible, like your life is over? Did someone give you an idea of where you should be in life by now? Or do you have friends who are well on their way to achieving their career goals?

[Yeravos]

I've noticed that sometimes people confuse the beginning, middle, or end of a story (or chapter) with another part of it. In this case, I mean that doing something just to pass the time isn't a great way to end a story. There's nothing wrong with it as a beginning. Or in the case of somebody who is paralyzed by anxiety, it's a perfectly acceptable step forward. I think you should allow this for yourself, if only to get your mind off of the anxiety or its paralyzing effects from dwelling on it.

 

A short circuit is when an electrical circuit returns to the source with no inline load. Nothing to "soak up" the electricity, to put it to use. In a way, you could think of the paralysis as a short circuit of not doing SOMETHING. Get a load in there to soak up the energy. Bad analogy, I confess. But in your case, it sounds as if the prejudice that doing something just to pass the time is bad is preventing you from doing anything. That's not good.

 

This makes a lot of sense. I'll try it out and see where it leads me. Thanks for the insight!

 

 

The first part of your post seems really disconnected from the second.

 

I didn't notice this until you mentioned it. That's interesting.

 

 

Seems to me like you can deal with the former by getting any job available, and then deal with the latter while being financially secure.

 

Yes, I have thought about that as well. To get a job to keep me afloat, and just live my life and see if I find something I'd love doing for a living. But, like I said, I have extreme anxieties with the thought of applying for a job. That I won't do well, that I'll ''exaggerate'' my qualities (feels like lying to me), that I'll be a disappointment. Actually, last night, I experienced a real emotional low, and I think I know something now that I didn't know before: I am really frightened to try new things, because I don't want others to be disappointed in me.

 

 

In my experience, when feelings of anxiety and paralysis are involved it's because you are dealing with an impossible situation (which itself is the result of trying to adhere to two opposing ideas at the same time). Perhaps you are telling yourself that you must find a job to pay the bills but that this job must also be meaningful, in effect setting this extremely high standard that is keeping you from even starting to look. I say these are opposing ideas only because if you will run out of money soon than it is rather short notice, and you aren't giving yourself much time to find this dream job. It could be another set of ideas, this is just one possible example.

 

I hadn't thought of this before. Could be something to it for sure.

 

 

Your whole post makes it sound like you are just rushed, completely out of time. Why do you feel like things are impossible, like your life is over? Did someone give you an idea of where you should be in life by now? Or do you have friends who are well on their way to achieving their career goals?

 

I felt really rushed when I wrote it, and when I journaled before I wrote it. And it felt/feels like my life is over, like there is no time left. And I don't know why. I don't know if someone has given me that idea, can't think of anyone recently. And no, no friends that are achieving career goals at the moment.

 

Thanks for your replies guys, I am grateful!

[cynicist]

Yes, I have thought about that as well. To get a job to keep me afloat, and just live my life and see if I find something I'd love doing for a living. But, like I said, I have extreme anxieties with the thought of applying for a job. That I won't do well, that I'll ''exaggerate'' my qualities (feels like lying to me), that I'll be a disappointment. Actually, last night, I experienced a real emotional low, and I think I know something now that I didn't know before: I am really frightened to try new things, because I don't want others to be disappointed in me.

 

I have those feelings too. I dislike applying for a job or working sales because I get the sense that I have to exaggerate to be successful, which implies that I'm not good enough as I am.

 

So the idea is that you will put forward a certain image or expectation for others and then not live up to it, resulting in them being disappointed? It might be a good idea to explore why you feel the need to exaggerate at all, or why failing at something new is a bad thing. I know that when I start a new job that it doesn't really matter what I know about it beforehand, it will still take me weeks to get used to how things work and become productive, and that seems true for everyone else I've met too. Then there is the obvious question of where in your early life did you learn that you weren't good enough as you were, and that you had to pretend to be something more.

 

I don't know anything about you or your skills but you are clearly intelligent and have a strong grasp of english.  So rather than competence it seems like your problem is more related to finding the right path to productive work and the fact that you are afraid to try new things. I could see why you would be anxious because your fear is going to make it difficult to discover what you want to do.

 

 

I felt really rushed when I wrote it, and when I journaled before I wrote it. And it felt/feels like my life is over, like there is no time left. And I don't know why.

 

I can empathize, as I'm struggling with a similar issue. Like I need to find a purpose for my life and nothing seems to click for me yet. The fact that I also fear new situations (due to a fear of attack instead of disappointment) means that exploring my interests is more difficult when it involves other people. Your post is helping me clarify my own problem so thank you for that. I understand now that worrying about what to do doesn't make sense before I deal with the fear.

[Yeravos]

 So rather than competence it seems like your problem is more related to finding the right path to productive work and the fact that you are afraid to try new things.

 

I think this is almost 100% spot on, except for one thing. I don't think I am afraid of trying out new things, but for being attacked if I fail. I could be wrong about that of course, maybe it is more correct to say I am frightened by trying out new things.

 

 

I can empathize, as I'm struggling with a similar issue. Like I need to find a purpose for my life and nothing seems to click for me yet. The fact that I also fear new situations (due to a fear of attack instead of disappointment) means that exploring my interests is more difficult when it involves other people. Your post is helping me clarify my own problem so thank you for that. I understand now that worrying about what to do doesn't make sense before I deal with the fear.

 

It makes me happy to hear that my post could offer you some help with your own self-knowledge