Dream: School Project

[Antifragile]

Dream

 

I am standing in a single teachers room in school (in my school teachers didn't have single rooms, there was one big room for all of them) with the teacher whose features I cannot make out. There is another pupil in the room whose features I can't make out either, but I believe him to be a former classmate from school called Lennart. The three of us are standing like a triangle with the teacher and Lennart facing each other while I face through the gap between them towards the blackboard (in Germany it is green), which is at the other side of the room. Both the teacher and Lennart look at me with only their upper bodies slightly rotated into my direction. I am in this teachers room because I have to do a project for school and in the dream I believe I need to borrow a camera for it. In my minds eye I see the photo which is still to be taken: it shows my head and face and down until just the shoulder. It only shows the right shoulder, the left is not in the rectangle. The head is just a bit rotated, so it's not a perfect frontal photo. The photo slowly fades in my minds eye and becomes a drawn picture and then an oil painting. I ask the teacher, where the cameras are because I think that I have to have a photo taken of myself for the project. He replies by saying that the cameras are in another school in the area and that I have to borrow them from there. Featureless Lennart asks me, why I want to borrow a camera. He says, that I don't even need to take a photo and paint a painting, we only need to think of a look with the theme “Sumpf” (german for swamp) in mind. I see the word “Sumpf” written on the blackboard on the other side of the class. I look at myself and discover that I am suddenly in evening clothes: elegant black leather shoes, grey and close-fitting formal trousers, a beige or white baroque shirt with quillings along the button row, and a black jacket (the top part of a suit). In the dream I think, this appearance would suit me. After Lennart has told me about the project I feel a bit dumb for not knowing this and also a bit “huffy”, like he has insulted me. I want to leave and go through the gap between the teacher and Lennart towards the exit. Before I reach it I wake up.

 

Me and my general situation

 

I am the oldest (21) of four brothers (in total). For conveniences sake let us call them brother A to D with me being A, my youngest brother D (14). Brother C is about to turn 15 and Brother B is 18 years old. For half a year now I have been studying a bachelors degree in a business study program here in Germany and at the same time I am an employee at a tourism firm - this sort of program is called a dual study program: working and studying while getting paid for it (though not much). Before I started this program I was enrolled at another University in another city with the program “Philosophy & Economics,” which I canceled after one semester. After I did that I had half a year of “orienting” myself again and finding out what I want to do. I was also depressed as I felt I was a failure for canceling the program. I also had an extremely uncertain future which gave me great concern. It was in this phase that I discovered libertarianism and the philosophy of freedom. I had always LOVED philosophy, but felt it was a pastime and didn't take it as serious as now (in discussions with friends, family and in school I always was the devils advocate and knew how to extract principles and turn them against themselves). When I discovered the freedom philosophy it was as if for the first time I was anchored in reality. It made me feel like real truth was indeed possible. Over the following summer I delved into all I could find until I found Freedomain Radio and Stef by chance on iTunes. Ever since that day I have been hungrily devouring his podcasts in every free minute (travel to work/university, in lunch break, when I am alone etc) and in chronological order. I am now at 630.

 

My immediate situation

 

After I cancelled the P&E study program (it was in another city) I moved back into the flat of my family. Right now I share a room with my youngest brother, but have set my sights on moving out as soon as possible to put some space me and my parents and achieve some clarity concerning my relationship with and to them. I am looking for a flat together with brother B (18 years old). On the one hand this is because living together in a shared flat is just plain cheaper. On the other hand my brother and I are thinking about founding a company or start some kind of business. He too loves philosophy but is not yet as far and as clear in his moral and

philosophical sentiments or thoughts as I am (that's what I think at least).

 

My conflicts

 

Our parents never hit us with regularity. It did happen though and every single one of us has been hit at least once by out parents. They themselves justify their actions by claiming, that in those situations everything went haywire and they did not know how to help themselves/ how to handle the situation - in other words: they felt

overwhelmed. In a conversation about those incidents with both of them I said, that these incidents are something I think about regularly and that make me feel like they are a chasm in our relationship. These incidents are severe breaches of fundamental trust, especially when perpetrated against children. They themselves have said, that they never wanted to hit their children. My mother became aggressive as I talked about the hitting. I have explained to her that I might have some emotional or psychological problems/scars because of these incidents. She did not want to accept that even in the slightest in that particular moment (her brother has accused my grandmother of having pushed him to study law; my mother maintains that this idea is ridiculous - so indeed she has a bad template for dealing with accusations of responsibility and guilt). Still both my father and my mother agreed when I told them I wanted to go see a therapist/psychologist so that I can find out, which of my (emotional) reactions are justified and which might be exaggerated. Another conflict with my parents, though unadressed in our conversations, is that brother D is attending "confirmation classes". This is preparation for the ritual of spiritual adolescence in protestant faith. I myself have also attended these classes when I was younger, but never really believed in it. Shortly before quitting my last study program last year I also officially renounced my adherence to the church by deregistering for church taxes. I consider myself a strong atheist for the same reasons that Stef has brought forward (no evidence, contradictory concept). Obviously my stance doesn't fit with my brother going to church, but I have not talked about this with my parents, although (or because) the confirmation is in two months. The strangest thing about this issue is that my parents never go to church except for singing christmas songs on Christmas eve. My mother is religious in an extremely weak sense, meaning that Christian values or the bible have had no influence whatsoever on her decisions in everyday life. The only time thing she does in that direction is seeking consolation when somebody dies. My father doesn't even go to church on Christmas eve...

[Swingpirate]

Well, I'm not a surgeon but I'll take a stab… Let me know when I'm projecting   I feel that the dream is about your journey towards real freedom and independency - "the project". It is your desire to gain self-knowledge, and in order to do that you must - naturally - first be able to assess your present situation - to take a snapshot of the current so to speak. Yet, this is not encouraged by your environment in the dream. In fact, your antagonists are basically undermining that path by confusing you and telling you that the necessary tools (the cameras) are not available to you; that they are elsewhere at some unspecified location (in another school) and that it would be foolish of you to embark on that journey in the first place. According to them, there is a more convenient way of living and being: to remain in a "swamp" and to never look at the real picture. What is a swamp? It is an environment that - although unpleasant - is difficult to escape from and almost impossible to navigate. It may be other peoples opinions and expectations or their indifference to your longing for genuine connection. It may be, for example, your mother's disturbing lack of empathy with a child who was physically maltreated and then rejected for attempting to understand its consequences.The suggestion that examining the self is unnecessary for completing "the project" is like offering you a nice suit (at best) - an insult that you have all the right in the world to walk away from.Does that make any sense at all?

[Antifragile]

Well, first of all: thank you for plowing through this rather long post. I basically just spew it out in the hope of somebody being willing and able to recognize it as a call for help.

Your analysis has provided me with some stuff to chew on and to suggest. I cannot tell you right now how all of this fits together.

I will however come back to you once I have done that.

 

On an unrelated thought: is there a friends option on the board?

 

With respect and gratitude,

M