The Mask You Live In

[A__]

I think this film is important and uncommon. Someone expressed interest in seeing this link shared on the board. I'm not sure if it's already been posted though.

 

 

 

 

[Lians]

Thank you for sharing this video! I was somewhat aware of the mask even as I was wearing it. Showing vulnerability always felt like jumping in a shark tank with a gaping wound on my back. Why would I ever want to do that? "Be a man," is one of many phrases designed to trigger the self-attack that was implanted in us from an early age. Most men have to earn affection by conforming to whatever man is defined to be. Without self-attack, manipulators of language have to face the primal nature of the species who conquered the wild world. Why would a coward ever want to do that?

[Kevin Beal]

I think that all boys are very aware of this mask, but they look around and no one is willing to take it off or support them if they do themselves (rightly or wrongly).

 

That constant masking before going out into social situations, obviously resenting it, and feeling terribly alone in it is guaranteed to make boys hate society. The society that will not let them be vulnerable, which like the trailer mentioned, makes people go insane. Insane and alone.

 

Personally, I always took the "be a man" thing or "don't be a pussy" from other boys as a kind of reminder to keep the mask on. Like a twisted kindness they were doing me. When it came from the girls though, that just about destroyed me.

 

I don't trust the MissRepresentation gang to be honest about girls/women's involvement in this masking. So, I thought I might preemptively say a bit about it and see what kind of feedback I get.

 

Other boys who bully can totally overwhelm, but the culture is such that the rules are pretty simple and if you try you can figure things out. The boys held a club over the other boys to sort of beat them into conforming. The girls however held knives that could impale you.

 

And the pressure on boys with single mothers to become men is great since single mothers have so little free time to simply support these boys and cannot really support boys the way that fathers can. So, they feel like they are on their own and must grow up fast. Not only to take care of themselves, but also their mothers, because unfortunately many mothers (and especially single mothers) request this of young boys since there is no father around and things need to get done. This is god awful.

 

I have never been so humiliated by men as I have by women. And I believe this masking, the false bravado, the premature manliness sets boys up for humiliation from girls who are not forced into the same mask. Because the girls get it where the insecurity is and whatever it is about girls that makes them great at knowing where to stick the knife in (or conversely connect) generally, it puts boys in a terrible situation. They are "worthless" for being humiliated by the girls and if they do anything to get back at the girls he's also worthless, and in any event, nobody wants to associate with a worthless loser.

 

Or maybe I'm generalizing too much. Maybe my experience was my own or of the community I was in. You can let me know if I'm talking out of my ass or not.

[dsayers]

I think that how society views femininity also damages boys. Whether it's viewing girls as fragile that means boys have to be rugged or viewing them as helpless meaning boys have to be able to manage themselves and others.

 

Our view of gender roles has not kept pace with our understanding of human development. I think this can be attributed to the State since violence freezes things in time.

 

Even State programs designed to help women were ill-conceived. The problem with State programs is that they say to the stated benefactor, "You are not strong enough to provide for or protect yourself." In other words, they're described as enforcing equality when in fact they guarantee a preserved inequality. Even if that means inequality in the opposite direction.

 

It should also be noted that society clinging to a bullshit definition of masculinity damages all of us, not just the boys. Many examples can be found in our language. "Sack up," "having balls," "being a pussy," "you da man," etc. I mention this because it's a way a lot of us perpetuate this myth without meaning too. I hear Stef make this mistake a lot and it embarrasses me.

 

I'm not condescending here. I used to describe myself as misogynistic, even when that manifested in ways that were complimentary on the surface. One of the best things about being exposed to the concept of men's rights in my own life is that I much more infrequently treat women differently just because they're female. This is important to me for my own development, for their development, and for the development of the species.

 

Thank you so much, Adrienne for making the effort to share this with everybody. And thank you to the entire FDR effort that has made taking my mask off feel natural and rewarding, even in the face of adversity as a result of it.

[Chris Harris]

Thanks for sharing the video Adrienne, it seems like its going to be an interesting documentary? when done.

 

In my experience it seems that even now I have an incentive to "wear a mask" when out in public or around people I don't know. While FDR and the community here have helped me to see the usefulness of taking that mask off around people, it seems that its so ingrained from the past that I either can't take it off or simply don't know how for a majority of my experiences. I am wondering if anyone thinks its useful to get rid of the mask altogether? In my opinion I'm not sure if it is considering the society we live in.

 

Also I would like to share an experience that goes along with what Kevin Beal was saying. In middle school I remember being attracted to a few girls that were in the "popular" group. I myself was always seen as a geek or unpopular by others. I remember being scared to death to even talk to those girls for fear of being made fun of for showing I have an interest in them. I knew that girls often talk behind others backs and spread rumors (I have a sister so I could see that side semi-clearly) and that terrified me that they would put me down for being vulnerable. Though that was a big fear for me, what I was most afraid of was being picked on by the other boys. Since girls can flay you emotionally, boys can do so both emotionally and physically (though maybe they are less adapt at the emotional part). So to me it seems the "wearing of the mask" is a co-operative effort from both boys and girls, they reenforce it for each other. This is my experience so I don't know how accurate it is for others.

 

Also I agree that the most humiliating experiences i have had have come from women, though I'm not sure if that was because of my situation at home that conditioned me to feel less safe/secure around women or was due to the situation. An idea I had was that it could be due in part to the differences of what men want out of a relationship with both men and women. For the most part, men want to be friends with other men but not a romantic relationship. Because of this men might be better able to handle the difficulties faced with other men since the relationship they are trying to cultivate is not as important. With a women, men want to have a closer more romantic relationship that will last (ideally) for the rest of their lives, this could lead to more pressure being put on the man and could influence the interaction and how it is perceived. I don't know if that is very clear since I am having a hard time sorting it out in my own mind and trying to find the right words for it, but that is a thought that came to my mind.

 

Again thanks for sharing your experience Kevin and thanks for posting the video!

[James Dean]

This showed up on my facebook wall and I had a pretty mixed reaction to it... I wanted you guys (in your infinite internet wisdom) to help me through this because it was a rather emotional 3 minutes, that I feel quite conflicted about... this is the comment I made on Facebook...

 

A lot of it might seem like "well duh" to you veteran FDR folks, but Facebook is that dark place full of "the uninitiated" I seldom dare to tread.

 

It's interesting. Men to a large degree, but mostly young boys, are the victims of so much neglect and abuse that I'm glad some of it is getting some attention. It's good that they brought up suicide, because men are at such a pronounced risk of suicide compared to women, along with other things like homelessness or workplace fatality. 

That being said, I don't know that pressure from other men is the main cause of this problem, or some of the problems that were discussed in the video. All of these brave young men and boys are gifted with natural talents that they cannot express in the gulag of modern schools. Public schools discourage competition that drives people to achieve, they discourage 'horse play' and really any free play at all. Not to mention most of these men and boys come from fatherless households; a relationship with you father is CRUCIAL in developing empathy. A lot of young men and boys, especially those in low income neighborhoods, grow up without fathers and without free play in nature, no wonder they don't develop empathy.

In my wholly fallible opinion, the video kinda misses the point. It just seems to me like we break everyones legs as soon as they are born, then blame all the limping on peer group pressure. I don't think "be a man" should be such a vulgar phrase, but it ha become so because we associate so much negativity with masculinity.

I guess take the good with the bad, it just seems like the video was all about destructive representations of masculinity yet saying "be a man" was a bad word. just thinking, how did they get to be the authority on masculinity? Especially since this is a feminist organization... 

I guess I don't know just how to feel about it. yet.

[Kevin Beal]

Heya James,

 

Just speaking for myself, I agree with what this person is saying, but want to quibble on one point, which is about the "be a man" thing. I believe he (I'm assuming it's a he) has misunderstood the problem with that phrase, and here's why:

 

The phrase "be a man" only has the effect it does on men / boys who want to be men and masculine. If the phrase were "be a snorlax" it's not likely to trigger the same shame, right? And the phrase is "be a man", and not "don't be a man", so that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

 

There are a lot of man-bashing things out there that make men look bad, especially coming from the people who produced the film, which is why I have my own reservations about the film (I haven't seen it yet). But boys get their idea of manliness from the men around them, especially the ones they admire, right? So I don't think he's right about that.

 

And what would be shaming or effective about that phrase: "be a man"? Well because it implies that he's not masculine. And since as men / boys our masculinity is tied so deeply with our identities, to deny us that, it's like suggesting that we are worthless.

 

To be a man is not only to have a dick and balls, but to function as a man. I function as the junior developer at my company. If someone said to me "be a developer that's actually good for a change" that would undermine my identity as developer and (if I was a little less wise) I would feel ashamed and feel worthless.

 

That's how I understood it anyway. I got that phrase growing up, and felt the shame, and I never remember thinking that it was because I didn't want to be manly. I've wanted to be manly since before I can even remember.

[cynicist]

Lol now I'm imagining someone saying "be a snorlax" with a serious look on his face. I liked the video but the comments on it were pretty depressing. Also, it's great that it is acknowledging the problem but you just know they won't go anywhere near the real origin. It'll be blamed on the abstract 'society' rather than individuals and certainly not target parents or mothers of all people. 

 

In my wholly fallible opinion, the video kinda misses the point. It just seems to me like we break everyones legs as soon as they are born, then blame all the limping on peer group pressure.

 

Agreed. The way they present it is tautological, people attack each other because they're attacked by one another. Progress is so damn slow in society, feels like it will be a hundred years before this stuff is talked about in a major way. 

[James Dean]

Heya James,

 

Just speaking for myself, I agree with what this person is saying, but want to quibble on one point, which is about the "be a man" thing. I believe he (I'm assuming it's a he) has misunderstood the problem with that phrase, and here's why:

 

The phrase "be a man" only has the effect it does on men / boys who want to be men and masculine. If the phrase were "be a snorlax" it's not likely to trigger the same shame, right? And the phrase is "be a man", and not "don't be a man", so that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

 

There are a lot of man-bashing things out there that make men look bad, especially coming from the people who produced the film, which is why I have my own reservations about the film (I haven't seen it yet). But boys get their idea of manliness from the men around them, especially the ones they admire, right? So I don't think he's right about that.

 

And what would be shaming or effective about that phrase: "be a man"? Well because it implies that he's not masculine. And since as men / boys our masculinity is tied so deeply with our identities, to deny us that, it's like suggesting that we are worthless.

 

To be a man is not only to have a dick and balls, but to function as a man. I function as the junior developer at my company. If someone said to me "be a developer that's actually good for a change" that would undermine my identity as developer and (if I was a little less wise) I would feel ashamed and feel worthless.

 

That's how I understood it anyway. I got that phrase growing up, and felt the shame, and I never remember thinking that it was because I didn't want to be manly. I've wanted to be manly since before I can even remember.

 

Yeah, I can see that for sure! However, there is more to an utterance than the objective definitions of the words and the larger social implications, I think we have to consider the intent with which "be a man" is being used (linguistics nerds, like myself, call this a perlocutionary act) Basically meaning I could say something like "keep your chin up" to mean "stop complaining and get over it, you pansy." or I could have meant, "everything is going to be fine, just keep a positive attitude." Both are wholly different perlocutionary acts (one is an act of shaming and the other an act of encouragement).

 

My concern is that the video doesn't address this, instead saying "be a man" are the three most destructive words you can say to a boy, EVER! PERIOD! I can just see this as an outshoot of people's shame of masculinity. In their minds, masculinity = violence therefor saying "be a man" encourages violence. I hadn't thought of it from your perspective at all, and I 100% agree that the perlocutionary act of shaming, when it takes the form of the utterance "be a man" attempts to undermine peoples sense of their own masculinity, and I have felt this shame as well, it is hurtful and destroys the confidence that "being a man" actually requires. I would only argue that people have such a warped sense of masculinity as it is, that maybe a similar utterance could be used, with a much more positive perlocutionary act; again, it all depends on the intent of the speaker. 

 

I could say to a boy who had just been bullied "stop crying, and be a man!" The implication here reinforces a negative (and predominantly feminist) view of masculinity, that men are emotionless disposable robots, only good at cleaning the gutters and dying in a god forsaken desert for foreign banksters. But I could also say to that same boy, "sometimes in life, you have to just be a man" meaning that while detail oriented relationship maintenance (a feminine strength) has it's place, and is in fact an invaluable skill, sometimes the best course of action is to address your problems head on with emotional strength and confidence (an inherent strength of the masculine mind).

 

Does that make any sense? 

 

(as far as being a snorlax, all that really means is you're prone to taking naps in busy intersections, and no one happens to be carrying a poke-flute )

 

Agreed. The way they present it is tautological, people attack each other because they're attacked by one another. 

 

Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking, you just stated it a bit clearer than I did. 

[Kevin Beal]

Does that make any sense? 

Yes, it makes a lot of sense. I hadn't considered that side of it. It helps to see also why my gut was telling me there was something wrong with the trailer.

 

And thank you for the linguistics lesson too! I always thought it was like some boring grammatical study until very recently. I didn't realize it had implications for philosophy.

[dsayers]

But I could also say to that same boy, "sometimes in life, you have to just be a man" meaning that while detail oriented relationship maintenance (a feminine strength) has it's place, and is in fact an invaluable skill, sometimes the best course of action is to address your problems head on with emotional strength and confidence (an inherent strength of the masculine mind).

 

Does that make any sense? 

 

To me, this seems like a good time to say that the definition of a man is a physically matured male. Since the connotations of the word vary so wildly, to use it outside of its denotation is an act of ambiguity and should be avoided for accuracy's sake. It would be irresponsible while trying to encourage somebody to speak in a manner that could be interpreted as shaming.

 

What do you guys think? I'm ambivalent myself. I'm not for just abandoning words because they've been poisoned or else I'd have little to make my sentences with! For example, I'm all for "taking anarchy back."

[James Dean]

Yes, it makes a lot of sense. I hadn't considered that side of it. It helps to see also why my gut was telling me there was something wrong with the trailer.

 

And thank you for the linguistics lesson too! I always thought it was like some boring grammatical study until very recently. I didn't realize it had implications for philosophy.

 

Haha any time! Stef uses this old Confucius quote often, and I think it bears repeating, "The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their proper name." I think I can extend that just a tad further (ok maybe more than a tad). When you look at the wide spread sophistry and how much language is used by the power structures to control our thoughts, it helps to know whats going on "under the hood" so to speak. That's why I love philosophy, there is seldom a place it fails to stick it's curious nose. 

 

To me, this seems like a good time to say that the definition of a man is a physically matured male. Since the connotations of the word vary so wildly, to use it outside of its denotation is an act of ambiguity and should be avoided for accuracy's sake. It would be irresponsible while trying to encourage somebody to speak in a manner that could be interpreted as shaming.

 

What do you guys think? I'm ambivalent myself. I'm not for just abandoning words because they've been poisoned or else I'd have little to make my sentences with! For example, I'm all for "taking anarchy back."

 

yeah, that's kind of my point. That we should "take masculinity back." I don't think I personally would use those words, which I agree aren't as consistent in their definition, if I thought it would be construed as shaming. I can't express the empathy I have for those who have been shamed in this way, as I have been there and know how undermining and destructive it can be.

[cynicist]

To me, this seems like a good time to say that the definition of a man is a physically matured male. Since the connotations of the word vary so wildly, to use it outside of its denotation is an act of ambiguity and should be avoided for accuracy's sake. It would be irresponsible while trying to encourage somebody to speak in a manner that could be interpreted as shaming.

 

What do you guys think? I'm ambivalent myself. I'm not for just abandoning words because they've been poisoned or else I'd have little to make my sentences with! For example, I'm all for "taking anarchy back."

 

I hate it because it's always shaming. You can't tell someone "man up" or "be a man about it" without saying that they're deficient, and at the same time obscuring the reason. Seems cowardly to me, to prey on someone's vulnerabilities like that. Whenever someone uses it I dismiss them as a pretentious douche (think "Bro" or "thug") and move on.

[AccuTron]

One big problem:  Whoever says it, the "Be A Man" or it's variants, it's usually not supplied with instructions.  A lack of role models is a big problem.  Like telling someone to go catch a fish, yet they've never even seen a knot tied.  Tell them how!  One sentence is usually enough to get a good start.