How to Ask This Girl Out

[Panoptic]

There's a girl in my technical writing class who seems very intelligent. It's weird, I haven't ever talked to her before but I get a sense of her intelligence subconsciously when I hear her talking and by the way she reacts to situations in the same way I do. I feel like asking her out just to see what happens.

 

So I'm trying to think of how to do it. She rides her bike everywhere. There's also a set of half-walls that extend out from the building where the class is right up to the bike racks. I thought of sitting on the wall next to the bike rack and waiting for her to arrive for class then striking up a conversation with her in order to gauge her intelligence. But then what happens? Should I ask her out at the end of the conversation right before class? Or should I have the conversation, wait for another chance to have a one-on-one conversation with her and ask her then? Or should I just ask her out first thing?

 

Here's how I imagine it. Wait for her to come up. I say Hi (her name here). She replies, and I ask her about her bike (I'm pretty interested in bikes actually and it's obvious that she is as well). We walk to class together while talking and I try to gauge her intelligence better. Then what? Should I wait another day, get into another conversation with her and ask her then? I want to be up front and honest and I don't want it to look like I planned everything out. I want it to be natural yet progressive and actually go somewhere without having to wait because my goal is to ask her out not to be friends. I'm not sure if it would seem planned if I asked her about something to talk about before I asked her out. I'm just not sure.

[Wesley]

I would offer that you don't need to gauge her intelligence better in this interaction. You can ask her on the first date or two and spend them at coffee or dinner where you have time to talk and gauge her intelligence in that way. Coffee is especially good as if you like the conversation, it can drag on for a long time and if you don't particularly enjoy it, you can drink your cup of coffee real quick and then say you have somewhere else to get to quick.

 

The first few dates (or not even dates, just conversations) can be where you feel out things a little bit. You don't need to know a certain amount before you ask her to coffee.

[LovePrevails]

how old are you?

 

Evening dates are better than day time ones as if you start doing friendy things you look like a friendy person.

 

See if you can set a definite date when you get her number as this makes it less likely that she will flake.

 

I don't know about setting everything up it seems a bit full on, looks good in movies but in real life girls usually love that stuff from men they are already in love with but find it quite intimidating from people they don't know well! It would be great to have a conversation with her about bikes if that is something you are both interested in, ask curiously let her do 60-80% of the talking and focus on your own state and feeling laid-back while you are listening. When you don't know someone that well it is very important that they make it easy for you to feel comfortable (especially if you are a girl!) and is a big factor on whether you want to spend more time with them or not - that might seem like a shallow snap judgement but 1) it's all you have to go on and 2) it makes practical sense from a safety and evolutionary perspective.

 

here's a tip on that

 

I don't know what I've said so far is helpful or just complicated/intimidating 

I know it's a cliche but "be yourself" but not just be yourself - be comfortable being yourself that is the most important thing

That's why I'm not so much with the big set-ups and games because they are very grandiose like LOOK HOW MUCH I AM DOING

where as the selling point is not what you are willing to do (buy flowers, book a swanky restaurant, carry her books, or whatever the movies say girls like in a man)

the selling point is who you are - if you're good with who you are then she has no reason to doubt you

 

let me know if I'm helping or making things more complicated

[Dylan Lawrence Moore]

I used to be so nervous about approaching girls that I would freeze up and not be able to say anything to them when one I liked was near. This was, of course, because I was afraid of rejection. What really changed the game for me is when I decided "okay, I'm just going to go do it, make an ass of myself, fuck everything up, and call it practice".

 

I started getting dates practically immediately after taking on this methodology.

[dsayers]

I want to preface my input by sharing that as a result of abuse leveled upon me, I was once an abusive suitor. Namely in that my expectations were given greater weight than they should've been. This led to animosity towards that person when my expectations were not satisfied. I say this because while I can appreciate you wanting to do something well, there's only so much you can plan when it comes to interacting with a creature of free will.

 

I'm also somebody who spends so much time thinking about something that I paralyze myself from doing it. So please excuse me, but these two points lead me to suggest that you not spend so much time thinking it through.

 

I did want to say (no biases for this point) that it seems like you're not being honest with yourself. Your account seems to go out of its way to emphasize intelligence. If you're interested in getting to know her better, for any reason, then try to get to know her better. If intelligence is a requisite for you, this getting to know her better will reveal if this is the case. If not, you might still get a friend out of it.

 

On the other hand, if it's how you genuinely view the situation, lead with that. If there's a class where she says/does something that impresses you, after class, catch up to her and let her know that she impressed you. Explain how. Let her know you thought the same thing or that you didn't, but you had to revise your thoughts in light of her take on the matter. Just be honest.

 

Worst case scenario is that she's got a boyfriend, or getting ready to move and doesn't want to start up a new friendship, or anything else that might mean it's simply not going to happen. At which point, your mind can be free to work on whatever's next for you. In the meantime, you're just wasting time trying to orchestrate that which cannot be orchestrated. If she ends up being the girl of your dreams and there's wedding bells, planning an elaborate proposal... cool. The stakes aren't high enough here though and attempting to stage it will only come across as insincere or worse: manipulative.

 

Even if things can't work out for whatever reason, you will be reinforcing your ability to reach out to others while your ability to overthink things to the point of not acting will atrophy. Both I think are useful steps in the right direction

[PatrickC]

You know, I could be way off here. But from my own history with my concern or nerves about engaging with women for romance possibilities stemmed from my relationship with my mother.

 

So my question would be, what was your experience of asking your mother to meet needs in the moment and how did she respond when she decided to not meet those those needs or desires?

[MysterionMuffles]

I'm probably talking out of my ass and this is just a theory of mine, but I think over thinking it and feeling nervous about a woman is a bit disrespectful. You're holding her to a high standard made up all in your mind that may not have anything to do with who she really is. So actually talking to her and diffusing that fantasy might be a disappointment, I get it, and I'm no stud myself. But I've had experience in overcoming that hump in approaching women in public (much harder than class since you get to see her often) and I'm still working on it, but I think it's best to just say hi and talk to her about a thought of hers she expressed and got you thinking. She will appreciate your appreciation for her mind.

 

Oh yeah so the whole high standard thing being disrespectful is a bit of unfair because you're absolving your own self worth through the fear of it being at stake if she doesn't receive you well. I think if you're just nice and calm talking to her like in the video Antony talked about, then she should respond accordingly. If she doesn't, then the fantasy dissolves, but at least you know she's not worth your time.

 

I apologize in advance if my post seems a bit aggressive. Just my thoughts. Feel free to discard them at will and ask me anything about the whole approach thing. LIke I said, I've been working at it in my self and I'm hoping for someone to help prove me wrong or right about the validity of my theory.

[_LiveFree_]

I'd agree with some of the above comments. If you are really nervous about asking a girl out you're already doing it wrong. Read some Nathaniel Branden and make some platonic relationships with women first. If you are already over thinking your first interaction with her I can tell you that the likelihood of this going well is low. 

 

IMO, maybe RTRing with yourself about why you feel so nervous about asking a girl out would be a good idea. Keep asking yourself questions until you feel chills shoot through your whole body. This may take a while so be patient.

[Nala]

Being a female myself, I can attest to fact that "gauging her intelligence" is going to rub her the wrong way. Not good when you want to get close enough to rub at all.

 

This whole dating thing can be really scary but I think you might want to make sure she's not seeing anyone before you chart her movements.

 

And I don't mean for that to sound harsh. I just think complements, invitations, support, and motivation are the things that make us feel happy and good about the people we spend time with. Be that connected with your true joy and the right ones will seek you out. 

[MysterionMuffles]

Nala: Nice a female perspective, we need it! Thanks for weighing in and focussing on how one should connect with their true joy to attract the right types. I am curious though, How can he find that out unless he talks to her first?

dsayers: good to approach it all those angles. Hope it helps him. Glad to hear you've chosen to improve.

 

Nathan: oh yeah platonic friendships seriously do help create comfortability around women. It's been my experience lately. Take the possibility sex off the table and all that's left is to get to know them for who they are without any added pressure that you hope you add up to what they'd like. Then you can apply that kind of comfort when it does come to talking to women you do want to pursue for romance and sex.

[Panoptic]

I thought about all of these posts so I'll try to work through them here.

 

LovePrevails - I see what you're saying. Just stay calm and treat it as an everyday conversation but more calmly. I'm 21 years old by the way.

 

dsayers - I really appreciate the post. It is true that I've had problems with "analysis paralysis" where thinking far too much about something will stop me from doing it. Honestly, I really did not want it to be staged but I didn't know how else to approach it because I wanted to ask her out.

 

Assuming you meant this, I agree that one should talk to a new person, regardless of their reason, if they want to get to know them. One should not need to justify it by saying that the other person is intelligent. Unfortunately I don't think my self awareness in this area is good so I'm not sure what gave me the urge to talk to her.

 

xelent - I haven't thought about that before. I can't recall any situation like that from my childhood but I remember in high school always wanting to go out and hang out with my friends. They'd call me up last minute and tell me that I needed to come hang out with them because of all the fun they were having and you'd hear them all laughing and having a great time in the background. My mother always said no. She told me it was too late for me to be going out and she didn't want me getting in trouble. I would explain that I never get to do anything I want to and the answer was still no, oh and no more questions.

 

Rainbow Jamz - I haven't thought about it like that. I think you have a very good perspective. Holding these expectations is detrimental to both people, and it would probably result in some very awkward conversations as well down the road.

 

Nathan Diehl - I can understand if the over thinking is a red flag but I think being a bit nervous is normal for anybody who wants to go out of there way to talk to a stranger. Too much nervousness is a red flag though. But once one starts to plan it out it becomes nerve racking which is not good.

 

Nala - Thank you for the female input, definitely valuable. I guess even the phrase "gauging her intelligence" sounds insulting. I try not to take things personal, something that I've become a lot better at over the years.

 

So I see the overall picture. Don't think about it too much, don't set your expectations high, don't daydream about outcomes. I think I need to be more of an outgoing person in my daily life and just try to start conversations with more people. I'm sure once you get good at that, things like this flow more naturally.

 

Its still a debated issue with me, whether or not I should explicitly tell myself that I'm ready for a girlfriend and then go out searching with that purpose, or if I should just go through my life and see what happens while trying to be more outgoing. I guess the latter for now while I build confidence and social skills.

 

So with that, I guess I'll just talk to her for the fun of it and for the experience and see how she reacts, without actively trying to get any type of relationship out of it. I love coming on here and being able to speak about my feelings. Its like having a friend during a time when I have nobody to talk to about these things. Thanks guys for trying to help me stay on track.      I need to do more self work. Class is on Tuesday so I'll let you know how it goes, that is, if the situation presents itself.

[MysterionMuffles]

Great stuff ER! You are on the right path now. Thank you for being open to our feedback and picking up on it all quite quickly. Good luck

[Prairie]

The worry of messing the interaction up suggests that there's some consequence that's being feared. What are the outcomes you're concerned about? What rewards are possible that you could miss if you don't do it just right? Is this a situation where it seems it'll never come around again so you can't screw it up? Directly expressing these concerns might yield some insights about things going on behind the scenes.

[aFireInside]

Is intelligence the only quality you are looking for in a female ? 

 

There are different kinds of intelligence, like emotional intelligence, interpersonal intelligence, Intrapersonal intelligence, spatial intelligence... etc ( like 5 more) 

 

 

So when you say you think you like her because of her intelligence I'm wondering what you mean by that.

 

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Anyways, i have anxiety problems but i still have had many girlfriends and this is what i do.

Well first i would recommend the book How to win friends and influence people.

 

 

But the basic theory behind that book is that to get people to like you and to make people do what you want there are a few things you should know first.

Realize that people are not self-less so think what can i do for them. 

Second learn to have conversations. (talk about what they want, ask genuine questions) 

When you talk to a girl don't talk about what you want to talk about like philosophy or whatever.... 

talk about what she wants to talk about ,,, step into her world, remember this isn't about you its about her. 

Once you do that she will at least like you as a friend because i can almost guarantee she never has talk to someone who treats her like  ^^^ what i wrote. 

 

 

Ideally the conversation should be reciprocal like you ask her question about what she likes and she then in turn ask you question... But what usually ends up happening is people rarely talk to people who are genuinely interested in them that they just ... Blahh, pour everything out and never ask you question back but they usually don't notice. And end up liking you allot 

[MysterionMuffles]

Yeah you're right Ivan. You gotta play to people's vanity. We all have it, there's nothing wrong with a little vanity to some degree. People like talking about theirselves and what they know of, that's how you get them to talk up a storm. You just can't unload a unique topic to them on the fly. Maybe sometimes they like that off putting surprise, but it's tricky to keep a consistent conversation that's foreign with them when you don't know someone well.