Should I find a better therapist?

[Hubot]

Greetings from Scandinavia! Firstly I'd like to thank all the freedom-loving people in the internet who made my journey to a better future possible.

Secondly I apologize for my bad English but since there aren't any forums like this in my native language I'll have to post my question here.

1. Question

  So I'll just cut to the chase: How will I know if my therapist has what it takes when it comes to deFOOing? I've been in therapy for about two months to explore the causes of my nearly decade-long (my “not so roaring” twenties) depression. I have taken up “the talk” which I had with my parents and it seems like my therapist agrees with my parents on some of their excuses like “they did the best they could” etc. On the other hand he did encourage me to have that talk in the first place. Currently I am in some kind of limbo; I think I know my parents were (and still are) pretty corrupt in my childhood so I don't  feel any desire to see them but at the same time I haven't formally put the relationship on hold. Sometimes I get the feeling that my therapist is not smart and/or compassionate enough for my case or hasn't defooed himself. Is this just me trying to reject everyone by having crazy standards as a way to avenge my own early rejection experiences?

 

2. Background

 

  I'm male, thirty years old, currently living on part time job plus some savings and writing my masters thesis. I have listened to FDR since 2012. I was mostly raised by my father since my mother was mildly depressed in my early childhood and she also lived in another county when I was a teenager. I don't remember being beaten by them but I can clearly remember being yelled at and ridiculed by my both parents. Basically they had this good cop / bad cop -arrangement where the “good cop” was my mother. It's not so much the things that I remember but the things that are lacking in my memory: I have more memories of my kindergarten teachers than my mother so I guess I was quite neglected as a child.

  I went to a public school that generally speaking completely sucked. Especially the middle part of it, I guess it would be called junior high in the US. First of all it was very violent, we're talking about students beating other students to the point where they would crack their bones. This was of course only possible because the biggest gangster of them all, our “beloved” principal and other teachers would allow it. In fact he did not only allow it but also encouraged this kind of behavior. One of his hobbies was to harass young girls sexually and to publicly humiliate other teachers and students. He was a psychopath in its purest form. Luckily he got fired after some of the students and their parents started a local campaign against him so that this worst era only lasted 1,5 years for me. The thing is though that I remember almost nothing from this time period, I can only recall two weeks at the beginning and some weeks at the end. My parents did not pull me out this school even after they heard how horrible it was so I endured 1,5 years of more pain. I don't remember being hit in the school but I do remember the fear of violence and constant name calling from the gangster students. I went to high school elsewhere and that experience was much more pleasant although it had its own problems like the complete waste of time in sitting/sleeping in class rooms learning about church history etc.

  After high school I moved out, went to college and tried to have it all (well, except for the most important thing like getting therapy). I took on loads of courses, jobs and superficial student parties. I was pretty much burn out in my early twenties and when my attempt to “become whole” trough romantic relationship (yes I know this is a classic) failed I finally sunk into depression. At my worst I could hardly leave my bed to get some food. I neglected everything from job to friends and as a result of this ended up being practically alone and bankrupt. I fantasized about taking my life many years but my self-preservation instinct was strong enough to prevent me from even trying it. After almost a decade I slowly started to see the colors again. I begun to tackle my problems by adopting paleo life-style. After a while I stumbled on the libertarian community and finally FDR. As you can probably guess I'm quite alone with these views in my home country, almost everyone around me is either a fascist or a socialist and the very few libertarians we have all tend to have a blind spot when it comes to family.

[dsayers]

Hi there, Hubot. I think your English is excellent. I'm very sorry you've been down this wretched road. I hope the steps you're taking now will help you achieve a life where you can be happy by way of virtuous living.

 

How will I know if my therapist has what it takes when it comes to deFOOing? I've been in therapy for about two months to explore the causes of my nearly decade-long (my “not so roaring” twenties) depression. I have taken up “the talk” which I had with my parents and it seems like my therapist agrees with my parents on some of their excuses like “they did the best they could” etc.

 

When a rapist rapes, he's telling us that rape is the best he can do. It doesn't change the immorality of his action. That it was his best doesn't change the fact that he hurts other people. What is appalling here is that the therapist is there to help people improve what is "their best," while speaking as if people are not capable of improving, so we should accept their best.

 

Having a child is the biggest decision we can make in our lives. The potential for damage is enormous, so it is incumbent upon the parents to make the effort to learn how to handle that responsibility before selecting it. We live in a world where reproducing, since it is how our bodies function, is thought to be an innate skill. This will continue for as long as people continue to support evil doers. I find the excuse of "best they could" most appalling of all.

 

I can't make any decisions for you, but I personally would not stay with a therapist that sides with abusers over victims, with the preservation of abuse over the potential for healing from abuse. Would the therapist say the same thing if they were not family? If not, then he would have to explain how family is different. It would appear that in the minds of your abusers, "family" means an excuse for a LOWER standard. This isn't philosophical at all.

[Kevin Beal]

I think it could be a good idea to be totally unreservedly honest with your therapist about your concerns and resentments. Say something like "hey, I feel irritation and fear when you condone the excuses my parents made" and express that it makes you feel insecure in the therapeutic relationship.

 

If you aren't sure whether or not it's a good therapeutic relationship, I think the best policy is total honesty and vulnerability. And see how they respond to having this authority over you as the therapist (or analyst) with your guts laid out. If they use it against you and exploit that in some way, then you can be sure that it's not a good therapeutic relationship and it's time to see a new therapist.

 

It could be the case that your therapist may see why their position is not toward the growth of the relationship you guys have, and / or is not true on principle. And as you know "they did the best they could" is a bullshit excuse.

 

You can always say "hey, I'm don't feel like my issues are being taken seriously here" or "I don't think I can trust you if you condone what my parents did" if you are going about it honestly (think RTR).

 

In therapy we are bound to bump into issues that are only issues in relationship with other people. Like if you are on a date and it becomes known that your date has a belief in a god (or something like that). Being able to work through those difficulties in a way you can feel good about is one thing worth getting out of therapy. Assuming you can trust your therapist to be honest about it, you can work through issues like "how do I have a healthy relationship with someone who believes in gods?"

 

There are obviously some deal breakers worth having. You don't want to have a relationship with someone who is a serial rapist, for example. And maybe your therapist's position should be a deal breaker, especially if it means you have to be the therapist in that relationship, or that it's just a constant re-infliction of the abuse/neglect, or it's condoning evil, or something like that. I don't know if there's enough information yet to determine that, so that's why I propose being vulnerable about it.

 

Also, you only owe your therapist the money to pay for your visits. You owe your therapist nothing beyond that. If you choose that you simply don't feel like going there anymore, that's up to you. However, if you think that trust can be established enough to be able to work through the issues you want to bring to therapy, then I think you should do it, and for yourself, not anyone else.

 

Hope that helps!

[Swingpirate]

You're not having crazy standards… This you could say:

 

But dear therapist… If my parents should not be held accountable for "doing the best that they can", then how am I to be held accountable for blaming them? Surely, you must have noticed that blaming them is "the best I can do"…?

 

If he or she actually responds with some curiosity to that and acknowledges the contradiction, I would want to ask lots of questions about his or her own childhood, if you haven't done that already.

[Prairie]

I have taken up “the talk” which I had with my parents and it seems like my therapist agrees with my parents on some of their excuses like “they did the best they could” etc.

So what if the parents were doing the best they could? If you're angry with them, hurt, need to talk about what they did, then the therapist's job is to shut up and listen. Talking about one's experiences or anger or rage will not hurt anyone, especially not the parents who aren't even present for the therapy sessions. Can the therapist not just tolerate but be open and accepting of your view that your parents didn't do their best, that they should have done better, that you deserved better? Does the therapist need everything you utter to be verifiably true objectively and by others' standards? Does the therapist think that any idea you express that they don't object to you will then hold on to as a firm belief for the rest of your life? <rant mode off>

[Slavik]

If you feel like your needs are not being met, perhaps you might want to bring this up with your therapist, and see what the answer is?  I think you can take most of what you had here to the therapist.  I have a feeling that after confronting your therapist with your needs not being met, you will have your answer.  Good luck, hope you get your answer.

[cynicist]

First of all your english is fantastic, so don't worry about that. Secondly I'm glad you didn't kill yourself. You would have deprived the world of a brilliant thinker and morally good individual. I feel comfortable saying that about someone who has listened to FDR for over a year and is actually pursuing therapy to deal with his problems.

 

As to your issue with the therapist, if you think they have been helpful in other respects then you might want to confront them directly on this issue of your parents. I would approach it like this. Ask him what he would say to a woman if she complained about being abused by her husband for a period of years and the husband said that he was doing the best that he could. Would it be the same advice he gave you? This accomplishes two things, it forces the therapist to take a moral stance on the issue while also taking him out of the propaganda around the family. If he is evasive or defensive then you know he is not going to be able to help you with this issue. On the other hand if you think he is incompetent already you might want to just seek another therapist...

[Hubot]

  Thanks for the rapid response! I never thought I would get so many good suggestions so fast. Honestly I procrastinated a lot before I read them. All the advice seems to revolve around being open and vulnerable with my therapist – which is exactly what I implemented in the past session and will do in the future too. Until recently (i.e. 2013) I never ever openly showed my cards to anyone, in fact I usually bluffed with them to test other persons in order to protect myself. So this is still new to me.

  I also went on with the deFOOing by informing my parents that I'm taking a pause from that “relationship”. When I mentioned this to my therapist he was surprisingly supportive. As you probably already guessed I was (and I still am) quite hesitant to openly explore every issue with my therapist... screw it I'll do it anyway. I just wonder if this deFOOing ever becomes any easier or is it just going to suck all the way?

[dsayers]

I just wonder if this deFOOing ever becomes any easier or is it just going to suck all the way?

 

The only part of it that is difficult is the culture and social pressure. Ironically, the same society that pretend to be against peer-pressure.

 

You do not have to go around telling people, "Hey, I have nothing to do with my family of origin anymore." If it comes up though, it's an excellent chance to explain your position and possibly help others to understand that adult relationships are voluntary and that things like "feeding you" was an obligation they chose when they had you.

 

If we spread awareness, we will raise the overall quality of parenting in general. Just as the quality of marriages generally improved when people could voluntarily leave them.

[cynicist]

  Until recently (i.e. 2013) I never ever openly showed my cards to anyone, in fact I usually bluffed with them to test other persons in order to protect myself. So this is still new to me.

 

I used to do the same, and manipulate people because I was afraid to be vulnerable. I think this is because we had to do this with our parents to survive since we couldn't leave, but now we can just stop seeing people if they harm us. So being honest just ends up giving us a clear answer quickly.