Child abuse at the laundromat

[Three]

I want to share my 4th and 5th child abuse intervention to hopefully inspire and to encourage others to do the same, to work through my thoughts and feelings of what occurred, and to request any feedback. The first example was at the laundromat. While my clothes were being washed I decided to go outside and listen to a podcast in my car. It didn't take long for me to get impatient, I hate the laundromat, so I stopped what I was doing to see if they were finished. I got to my washing machine to find that my clothes were still spinning away. However, this turned out to be the least of my trouble. Next me was a young African american woman with her son who looked barely two and was, as is natural for children, highly curious about his environment. He stared with an astonished gaze at the spinning clothes inside what I imagined to him looked to be be an amazing wonder of a machine. Indeed, I can imagine since I can remember how incredible these machines were to me when my mother would take me. But anyways, my trouble wasn't the child's curiosity. It was the mother's annoying insistence that the boy be still and stay by her. Eventually, this insistence went from annoying to hostile. When the boy touched my laundry basket the mother angrily snapped and said "don't touch, that's not yours!", smacked him on his little hands and pulled him to her side. My heart began pounding and thoughts went something like 'Jesus Christ, it's everywhere. I hate being a philosopher sometimes. I really do. Do I say anything? Eh, fuck it. Values.'"Miss, I don't think you should hit your kid", I told her as gently as I could. It wasn't the content of her response, but rather the form that really surprised me. She countered with "I discipline my child." However, she didn't yell. She didn't minimize her action by arguing with me that "it was only a light, smack. It wasn't hitting". Her words seemed to evaporate as soon as they left her mouth. Like they carried no weight. It was like she really didn't believe what she was saying and that she knew deep down that what she did was wrong. It almost sounded depressing and the expression on her face looked depressed and ashamed.  It was like all of the magical power of euphemism 'discipline' simply vanished and that she knew deep down what she had really just told me was "I abuse my kids." 

In the second example I saw a man screaming as his little girl in the parking lot and his wife standing back doing nothing. I walked up to them and asked if everything was okay? The man ignored me and kept walking. The woman nodded to me that everything was fine. She looked terrified as if she knew that she would 'get it' too if the man heard her actually say something to me. The man turned around, squat down and loudly lectured his child again. I got in front of him and spoke to him directly, "is everything, okay?" He was a white male who had a 'scrappy doo, joe pesci-like character about him. He was shorter, had a new yorker kind of accent and a high pitched voice. This description might make him out to be a joke, but I was actually quite terrified. I was afraid of things escalating into a shouting match or physical violence. Plus,  I am by nature extremely gentle and had to disown the more angry, aggressive aspects of my personality as a child to survive since I lived with very aggressive parents, so these things are really difficult for me.The man mocked me, "what do you mean 'is everything all right? Yeah, now get out of me face and mind your own business. Kids need discipline ' "Once again that euphemism was used. I'm going to remember next time to counter that he's just saying abuse. "I don't think it's right for you to yell at your child", I repeated myself"yeah, well I'm about to yell at you if you don't mind your own business", he countered"Well, I don't want to expose your child to that", I told him and walked away."yeah, well, go save the world somewhere else!" he said to me as I left. I wanted to have the last word so I turned my head and exclaimed "I'd rather do it here." 

[dsayers]

Thank you for your efforts and for sharing. It's very important that at the very least, the child sees their reality of abuse being called into question.

 

I despise the word discipline. It's so arrogant in that it presumes that the disciplined are wrong. I think to the first parent, I would've shared that I think teaching your child to respect other people is a valuable lesson, but it cannot be taught by disrespecting them. There was no harm it touching your laundry basket and it in fact presented an opportunity to negotiate with the child about property. Besides, the child didn't choose to be there.

 

To the second, I might's said that telling somebody to get out of your face and screaming at a child are not signs that everything is okay. If he talked about saving the world, I woudl've pointed out that I could never save the entire world, but I can save people right in front of me, and he can too. If he chose to have the child, he shouldn't be putting her in a situation where there's room for talk of saving somebody.

[nathanm]

Alternate reply: Slowly put on a cowboy hat, adjust the toothpick in your mouth and in your best Clint Eastwood impression say,

 

"I discipline adults…with philosophy."

 

But seriously, it sounds like you did a good job, Joel.  I was almost ready to throw down a couple of weeks ago at Wal-Mart.  I heard a kid screaming about 6 aisles away and I started to prepare.  Could not hear the adults clearly.  I could no longer concentrate on my groceries, I just tuned my hearing into them and began moving closer.  It did not escalate luckily and there was no further protest from the kid.  It was a young-ish, well-dressed couple and a young kid seated in the cart.  I paused for a moment and watched, but they did not notice me.  I was trying to be as calm as possible and was running simulations in my head at 5GHz.  There wasn't enough fight to call for intervening, but I was ready. 

 

It's like that everytime I shop now, I wonder "Is today the day?" I don't even care too much about causing a scene because I know I am in the right.  Having the philosophical backing floating around in your head makes the having-a-public-argument plan seem not as terrifying.  A little Triumph musical backing doesn't hurt either.  But potted down, just underneath the philosophy stuff.  Still, I am not 100% uncertain if I will be able to run confront.exe when the time comes, so I could be full of hot air.  I hope not.

[Three]

@dsayers. Hey, man. I think you're right in saying that the important thing is for the child to see the abuse being called into question. Sometimes I am self critical afterwards about my approach, so it's good to get that kind of feedback. @Nathan. Man, I know exactly what you mean about preparing yourself. It's gotten to the point where I often ask myself those questions when I go into crowded public places like Wal-Mart. I've had similar instances happen like the one you just described where I here a child yell and then mentally prepare myself. 

[LovePrevails]

those are some moving stories thank you for sharing them