Daniel Wagner Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 I have been into the idea of peaceful parenting for about six months. I am still a recovering authoritarian parent of four beautiful children who were victims of my lack of parenting knowledge for far too long. (They're now 6, 8, 9, and 12 years old) My problem is: I am hitting a huge brick wall when it comes to getting my wife on board with the new methods and I'm not really sure how to approach it. She has already agreed not to spank or hit the children, but it's not because she "gets it." She complies with my wishes out of fear that I will get upset at her if she does. I've already let her know that I am not willing to accept this treatment for our children anymore. Another caveat is that she is heavily influenced by her friends and family who all find my new methods silly. I've tried to sit her down and explain the methodology and the rationale behind it all, but I can't seem to get through to her. I'm worried that it is my fault for being unable to properly communicate the ideas and influence her to change willingly. I realize that we need to provide a united front when it comes to parenting our children, and I'm not willing to budge on using coercion and fear to raise my kids. Anyone have any suggestions for this scenario? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aya Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Hi Daniel 1st well done for changing how you parent! (keep it up) =)I would suggest if your struggling to get through to your wife you could attempt to influence her closest friends by giving them information like forwarding them the link to the video below, as they may be able to help you convince your wife better than if you were doing it alone.I would hit her with the hardest facts 1st of all like the Fact hitting your child decreases brain growth & function, again well donehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONNRfflggBg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsayers Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 I would hit her with the hardest facts 1st of all like the Fact hitting your child decreases brain growth & function The most important fact is that assault is immoral. @Mr. Wagner: Thank you for your interest in this subject and for admitting your faults of the past. Have you sat down with your abused children to own the abuse, explain the abuse, and try to make amends? Obviously the best way to get your spouse to not abuse your children is to not marry somebody who thinks abusing children is an option. I recognize you're way past that point, but it still needs to be said for the benefit of others. I feel sorry for the people in your life that view not assaulting children as silly. It's the perfect example of why assaulting children is so very destructive. As I stated above, the moral argument is all that really matters. The utilitarian data only serves to reinforce those who accept the moral argument. Another great source is Stef's Bomb in the Brain series. It's fascinating to learn about how child abuse literally leads to permanent physical damage. It will also help you understand how people think, a useful asset when trying to influence and change their minds on something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovePrevails Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovePrevails Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 you said you have spoken to her a lot, I think it's important at this time that you really listen actually, get exactly where she is coming from, give lots of empathy. Fact and statistics can look like a club when you feel like someone doesn't really understand you or is not very sensitive to how you are feeling in the situation. You need to listen a lot to build up the trust from which she can hear you. I am reminded of Stephen Colgan's signature, "people don't care what you know until they know that you care" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stigskog Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I have a few of questions, which I hope are useful. 1. why do you have to provide a united front ? 2. do you have to provide a united front at all costs ? 3. how is it possible to show a united front if you are not willing to use coercion and fear and she is ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daniel Wagner Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 I have tried to hit her with the facts, tried to show her the video, even made a website specifically for the subject of transitioning parents. How many of my articles has she read? Maybe one or two. Did she watch the video? There's always some reason she's busy and she'll "get around to it later." It's like she's somehow too busy to study being a parent...Thanks for your advice everyone. I think I have some work to do; and some decisions to make. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsayers Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 There's always some reason she's busy and she'll "get around to it later." It's like she's somehow too busy to study being a parent... I was sad to read this. Like what could be more important than making sure she's not abusive to her child? I noticed you didn't answer my first question. Which is unfortunate because if you did these things, it might contrast for them their mother not doing these things. I cannot think of a stronger motivator for her (save the moral consideration of course). How much have the two of you talked about her history? It might help you to identify why she needs for her current understanding to be true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-William Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 I have tried to hit her with the facts, tried to show her the video, even made a website specifically for the subject of transitioning parents. How many of my articles has she read? Maybe one or two. Did she watch the video? There's always some reason she's busy and she'll "get around to it later." It's like she's somehow too busy to study being a parent...Thanks for your advice everyone. I think I have some work to do; and some decisions to make. That's sad... she does know that taking a little time now will save a lot of time when kids get older? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovePrevails Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 I have tried to hit her with the facts, tried to show her the video, even made a website specifically for the subject of transitioning parents. Daniel, again, have you made lots of opportunities for her to talk about her own feelings and views without fear that you will just interrupt, shut down or contradict what she will say? I know this is not an easy thing to do, and the more unreasonable the person the harder it is to do, but nonetheless this is often a predicate to building a bridge of connection where she is comfortable to have her own beliefs challenged Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexqr1 Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 you said you have spoken to her a lot, I think it's important at this time that you really listen actually, get exactly where she is coming from, give lots of empathy.I think this is great advise. It's taken me a long time to understand it and more time to be able to apply it in my life. It is very important to understand why she does not "get it" and maybe start from there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PatrickC Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 Wow, I'm very sorry to hear this man. Good for you for your own will to change. I'm at a loss as to what to suggest, other than perhaps employing a child psychologist who is in favour of peaceful parenting and can give her the facts professionally. I also think as LP suggests, that looking inwardly and talking outwardly (with your wife) at your relationship with your wife and how you interact together is deeply important of course. This is probably a challenging time for you both and probably requires a more empathetic approach. Best of luck all the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovePrevails Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 hey if you like you can add me on skype my userid is amashaman I can maybe offer you some tools to help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daniel Wagner Posted March 26, 2014 Author Share Posted March 26, 2014 I noticed you didn't answer my first question. Which is unfortunate because if you did these things, it might contrast for them their mother not doing these things. I cannot think of a stronger motivator for her (save the moral consideration of course). How much have the two of you talked about her history? To answer your first question, I have talked with my children; and continue to do so. They are starting to notice there's a difference in parenting styles going on here, and as a result seem to have no respect for their mother. I try to explain to her that the respect is not magically granted to her by virtue of her position as a parent, but must be earned as it is for anyone else. In terms of her history, we've talked a lot. It's some dark stuff to be short. She is making strides in this area; slowly progressing toward shutting out her own mother completely. In many ways, she is doing way better for her kids than her mother did for her. Maybe it's my fault a bit for expecting instant results; like I was going to just give her the facts and things would be instantly better the next day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsayers Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 I'm really glad to read all of that. It sounds to me like you're taking good steps and getting reasonable results. I hope you consider the payout worth the investment of time and effort and will stick with it. Thank you again for your efforts in these measures that truly do make the world a better place Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesmooter Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Hi Daniel, Im in a very similar situation. I am seeing a therapist and working on these issues. Your comment about your wife Never having time to watch a video was exactly what I hear as well. Its so sad and frustrating. Lately i have been really consentrating on her and not pushing her but showing her and really listening. It seems to be helping. Ill keep you posted as we progress. I really wish you the best! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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