One thing that really helped me with social anxiety.

[aFireInside]

I started noticing improvement. 

 

I usually have social anxiety in random social interactions. 

I started doing some self talk. 

Not just any self talk, but i started to empathize with myself and be the parent that i never had.

I tell myself everything is ok, don't worry..."Calm down there is nothing to fear, but if you can't its oky". 

 

I think this helped me get in touch with my emotions. 

 

Recently i had this episode where i felt anxious and i did some self talk. 

I got through it and a few minutes after i felt like crying so i had to leave.

(i was in public)  

I got home and all the tears started coming out and i cried, luckily no one was home. 

So i cried without shame or fear out in the open. I didn't cover my face, i just let it come out. 

 

After that day i have felt much less anxious when i interact with people. My fear diminished allot. 

I think i made a big step. 

 

 

Anyways i just thought i would share. 

[Three]

I think that's fantastic, man. I really wanted to express my sympathies because I also used to be a lot more anxious. My anxiety levels reached excruciating levels 4 years ago  and with it I began to experience a number of strange sensations that were very scary to me. I would experience, sweaty palms, numb hands, painful heart burns, flushed face, numb hands, flu like symptoms, distorted vision, as well as psychological sensations like derealization, which created a perpetual feeling of unreality like i was in a dream, and depersonalization. I felt like I was going mad. You might be able to relate to this, eventually it became a vicious cycle.  I would feel anxious, the anxiety created an unpleasant sensation, that sensation would scare me, which would create scary thoughts, which would create more anxiety, which would create more sensations and so on.The most success I've had in breaking that cycle and am continuing to have is from doing what you are describing, re-parenting yourself by learning to be self accepting and curious. I even have similar internal dialogues with myself that your having. It doesn't help that when we're anxious we also have been programmed by our parents to repress our emotions or to tell them to go away, even unconsciously. It's like an unstoppable force colliding like comet into an immovable object in our mind and body. Anyways, I am really glad to hear about your progress. I had a minor success story today with overcoming my anxiety and being assertive. A manager bumped in to be playfully to move me out of the way. This made me mad, especially since I was going through unpleasant caffeine withdrawals, so I said "don't do that." The started talking to a customer, so he didn't reply but later me mentioned by saying "oh Joel was getting all bad with me, I was just playing". "I know you were just playing, I still don't like it", and walked about because him and an employee just started laughing, however nervously. The manager then came up to me noticably uncomfortable with my reaction and in a kind of whiney way "oh come on, I was just playing. I would have laughed if you did it to me. Come on."I just said, "okay man, you got me" and he walked away, and I'm glad because that was very irritating. 

[DaisyAnarchist]

Kudos to being able to let the emotion out. It can be very hard to do that. I'm glad that you were able to feel safe with yourself.

 

I have some questions for you. I listened to your call in with Stef a while back. I remember him telling you, and the audience, that it's not really social situations that you're afraid of. I'm pretty sure I understand his meaning, but I'm not sure if you do. I'm not sure if he wanted you to figure it out for yourself by not explicitly stating it, but I can't just keep this perspective to myself, haha. I deal with "social anxiety" as well, but it's nothing like it was several months ago. What I believe I was afraid of is what happened to me as a child in social situations. Often children cannot leave abusive situations that they are put in. This is, I think, part of the anxiety surrounding them. I believe that I was afraid of being attacked and rejected (for my true self, my spontaneous emotions) in social situations. That is what happened to me in the past. It's not that you're afraid of social situations, or people. You may be afraid of the attacks and rejection of your emotions when you were a child. Something about them was dangerous for you. The present triggers that. When you can feel the anger behind the fear, I think that the anxiety will dissolve even more. What do you make of what Stefan was telling you? What was your experience with social situations when you were a child?

 

I also want to add that, for me, saying "calm down" has only ever backfired. I would be interested to hear why you use that line. What really helps me is curiosity toward me as a child. You could ask your inner child, "What are you afraid is going to happen to you if you are authentic? What was it like for you? It must have been scary, right? Maybe you feel angry that your mom and dad left you with people like this?" 

 

What do you think about that?

[aFireInside]

I think that's fantastic, man. I really wanted to express my sympathies because I also used to be a lot more anxious. My anxiety levels reached excruciating levels 4 years ago  and with it I began to experience a number of strange sensations that were very scary to me. I would experience, sweaty palms, numb hands, painful heart burns, flushed face, numb hands, flu like symptoms, distorted vision, as well as psychological sensations like derealization, which created a perpetual feeling of unreality like i was in a dream, and depersonalization. I felt like I was going mad. You might be able to relate to this, eventually it became a vicious cycle.  I would feel anxious, the anxiety created an unpleasant sensation, that sensation would scare me, which would create scary thoughts, which would create more anxiety, which would create more sensations and so on.The most success I've had in breaking that cycle and am continuing to have is from doing what you are describing, re-parenting yourself by learning to be self accepting and curious. I even have similar internal dialogues with myself that your having. It doesn't help that when we're anxious we also have been programmed by our parents to repress our emotions or to tell them to go away, even unconsciously. It's like an unstoppable force colliding like comet into an immovable object in our mind and body. Anyways, I am really glad to hear about your progress. I had a minor success story today with overcoming my anxiety and being assertive. A manager bumped in to be playfully to move me out of the way. This made me mad, especially since I was going through unpleasant caffeine withdrawals, so I said "don't do that." The started talking to a customer, so he didn't reply but later me mentioned by saying "oh Joel was getting all bad with me, I was just playing". "I know you were just playing, I still don't like it", and walked about because him and an employee just started laughing, however nervously. The manager then came up to me noticably uncomfortable with my reaction and in a kind of whiney way "oh come on, I was just playing. I would have laughed if you did it to me. Come on."I just said, "okay man, you got me" and he walked away, and I'm glad because that was very irritating. 

 

 

Thanks for taking the time to read your support really helps. 

I do have those symptoms, but the worst of them all is panic attacks. I would also be sick all the time, i think because my immune system would shut down. 

 

Thanks for sharing the story of you standing up to your boss, i worked in retail and i know how that goes. 

Kudos to being able to let the emotion out. It can be very hard to do that. I'm glad that you were able to feel safe with yourself.

 

I have some questions for you. I listened to your call in with Stef a while back. I remember him telling you, and the audience, that it's not really social situations that you're afraid of. I'm pretty sure I understand his meaning, but I'm not sure if you do. I'm not sure if he wanted you to figure it out for yourself by not explicitly stating it, but I can't just keep this perspective to myself, haha. I deal with "social anxiety" as well, but it's nothing like it was several months ago. What I believe I was afraid of is what happened to me as a child in social situations. Often children cannot leave abusive situations that they are put in. This is, I think, part of the anxiety surrounding them. I believe that I was afraid of being attacked and rejected (for my true self, my spontaneous emotions) in social situations. That is what happened to me in the past. It's not that you're afraid of social situations, or people. You may be afraid of the attacks and rejection of your emotions when you were a child. Something about them was dangerous for you. The present triggers that. When you can feel the anger behind the fear, I think that the anxiety will dissolve even more. What do you make of what Stefan was telling you? What was your experience with social situations when you were a child?

 

I also want to add that, for me, saying "calm down" has only ever backfired. I would be interested to hear why you use that line. What really helps me is curiosity toward me as a child. You could ask your inner child, "What are you afraid is going to happen to you if you are authentic? What was it like for you? It must have been scary, right? Maybe you feel angry that your mom and dad left you with people like this?" 

 

What do you think about that?

 

 

Thanks for reading, you have allot of question ill try to answer them all as best as i can. 

 

Well as a kid, my mother always use to worry about others feeling almost obesely. Except mine, she was happy if i was feed and had cloths. 

But never worried about my feelings, i was made to believe that i should be afraid of other people and never interact with them ....etc 

 

I felt like Stef was not helpful in the call. Maybe it could be because i was nervous and couldn't really guide the call, so stefan went into tangents. 

But i felt like he was focused on culture and poverty more than my feelings, he didnt ask as many questions as i thought he would. 

And he said the solution is anger. In the moment when he said that I don't feel anger, i instantly believed him. Because i trust him, he earn my trust. 

But i think he was wrong because i had felt anger, i was doing allot of journaling and talking with people. And i realized iam angry and i have felt anger, 

because i have plans to move out, i have stopped talking to my mother for over a year. But since stef is such commanding presense  i instantly believed him and it took me a while to realize he was wrong. 

He is correct in a sense because anger is part of the solution, it triggers you into action. (like the people in the chat told me that day. ) 

But its not the only thing you need. I felt like self talk and getting in touch with my emotions helped more than feeling anger. Anger is the start but i don't think its all we have to do. 

 

You said why do i say calm down. 

I say calm down in a relaxing voice  not in a controlling parent kind of a way. 

But i also say if you can't calm down thats ok, I don't really force myself to do anything. 

Allot of the time i still feel nervous while self taking. 

I think the key thing is to re-parent your self , because i have these crazy abusive parents in my head.

[Three]

Ivan, do you think you could share the podcast with me? I'd like to listen to it. 

[Prairie]

I felt like Stef was not helpful in the call. Maybe it could be because i was nervous and couldn't really guide the call, so stefan went into tangents.But i felt like he was focused on culture and poverty more than my feelings, he didnt ask as many questions as i thought he would.And he said the solution is anger. In the moment when he said that I don't feel anger, i instantly believed him. Because i trust him, he earn my trust.

I think that the format has tradeoffs. Many are listening so there's an inherent trade between something others find worth continuing to listen to, and helping the person. There are also limits to a host's ability to empathize, etc.I view something like your call similar to anything else where the goal is to empower a person as much as possible. Product design is a good example; I think that the proper mindset is that the user is always right, and any shortcomings are due to inadequate design, never the user's fault. This frames things so that one is always searching for better solutions, things that work more in tune with the user's natural ways of doing things, designs that avoid problems users run into.The same applies to someone calling in, or empathizing in person. You think someone needs to calm down? Do your part in creating conditions that allow for it. Person still isn't calming down? Listen to why they aren't. Don't tell them to calm down (it's like telling a person to "become agitated now!") Same for anger; if you need to get angry but aren't, then there's something blocking it and it needs to be addressed. You don't even need to tell the person that they "should" be angry, just help locate the blockage and then if anger is the appropriate response, it will come.Another reason I'm wary of these kinds of directions is that they can be used to create the appearance of growth without the actual process. Take the indicators when someone really is growing and then feed them to someone else in an attempt to get them to grow, as if you were training an actor.Internally this also perpetuates the idea that beings are incomplete and need someone outside to run their healing process, and feels like constant bypassing of one's internal guide. I think one's internal guide is the only thing that matters because once the lies that caused the person to stop trusting it are lifted, it will guide things again and with amazing willfullness and power. I also think that a person's internal guide is always there, and always reachable by being a good listener who values everything the person says, sees none of it as petty, irrelevant, etc.Just my thoughts on the matter.

[aFireInside]

Ivan, do you think you could share the podcast with me? I'd like to listen to it. 

 

Yes sure, let me know what you think. I may be wrong in what i said I'm still processing it. 

 

Here is the link: 

I think that the format has tradeoffs. Many are listening so there's an inherent trade between something others find worth continuing to listen to, and helping the person. There are also limits to a host's ability to empathize, etc.I view something like your call similar to anything else where the goal is to empower a person as much as possible. Product design is a good example; I think that the proper mindset is that the user is always right, and any shortcomings are due to inadequate design, never the user's fault. This frames things so that one is always searching for better solutions, things that work more in tune with the user's natural ways of doing things, designs that avoid problems users run into.The same applies to someone calling in, or empathizing in person. You think someone needs to calm down? Do your part in creating conditions that allow for it. Person still isn't calming down? Listen to why they aren't. Don't tell them to calm down (it's like telling a person to "become agitated now!") Same for anger; if you need to get angry but aren't, then there's something blocking it and it needs to be addressed. You don't even need to tell the person that they "should" be angry, just help locate the blockage and then if anger is the appropriate response, it will come.Another reason I'm wary of these kinds of directions is that they can be used to create the appearance of growth without the actual process. Take the indicators when someone really is growing and then feed them to someone else in an attempt to get them to grow, as if you were training an actor.Internally this also perpetuates the idea that beings are incomplete and need someone outside to run their healing process, and feels like constant bypassing of one's internal guide. I think one's internal guide is the only thing that matters because once the lies that caused the person to stop trusting it are lifted, it will guide things again and with amazing willfullness and power. I also think that a person's internal guide is always there, and always reachable by being a good listener who values everything the person says, sees none of it as petty, irrelevant, etc.Just my thoughts on the matter.

 

 

I agree with you that makes allot of sense. 

If someone "should be feeling something" and they are not you should find out why . If it is true.