I hate thinking about Past relationships.

[aFireInside]

This might be a cliché but how do you stop thinking about your ex girlfriend(s)?

 

I think the reason for going back is that i haven't had any luck with relationships, especially after FDR! (lol) 

What i think ends up happening is that my body or penis tries to go back where it could.... you know. 

 

 

 

I hate having these thoughts in my head, its almost an obsession. 

Sometimes i click on her Facebook just to see her picture. 

Which is very stupid and it gets me mad because this relationships was so bad and it will never work. 

Buttttt this keeps happening. 

 

 

 

 

how and why ???!?

[dsayers]

this relationships was so bad and it will never work. 

 

Do you think you will be able to have another relationship in the future? Do you think you can be happy if you're not in a romantic relationship?

 

Maybe when you get the urge to think about her or you click on her, you can focus on how you could've known it would be bad. You can learn from that past. Or focus on the bad parts. Train yourself to not want to focus on her. Otherwise, indulging in it will likely just keep you away from the present and the future.

[aFireInside]

Do you think you will be able to have another relationship in the future? Do you think you can be happy if you're not in a romantic relationship?

 

Maybe when you get the urge to think about her or you click on her, you can focus on how you could've known it would be bad. You can learn from that past. Or focus on the bad parts. Train yourself to not want to focus on her. Otherwise, indulging in it will likely just keep you away from the present and the future.

 

 

Ill try that, great advise thanks. 

 

It has gotten really bad lately : ( 

 

And i don't know if i could be happy without a love relationship, i think that i could if i try hard but there would be something missing. 

[_LiveFree_]

Look for that "something that's missing" within yourself. The first most important ongoing romantic relationship you have is with yourself.

 

A healthy romantic relationship is like nos. When injected, it will propel a properly running car to new heights in performance. When injected into a car running without oil, then there's going to be a crash and burn.

 

Sounds like your car is missing something necessary for healthy running.

 

And if you're here at FDR, it's probably safe to assume that growing up you saw your car get completely trashed by those who were supposed to help you build it. Then you had to build a new car from the ground up. Most of the hard work is probably already done. Just look for those final pieces and ingredients that will make it purr like a kitten.

 

Then add nos.

 

In shorter words, you are most likely very close. Just keep asking yourself questions like , "Why do I feel I need a romantic relationship to be happy?"

[dsayers]

It has gotten really bad lately : ( 

 

That's okay. You're human. The important thing is that 1) you're honest with yourself about it and 2) you're willing to share it with others. That last bit might be uncomfortable, but it shows you're serious about getting past it.

 

And i don't know if i could be happy without a love relationship, i think that i could if i try hard but there would be something missing. 

 

Unfortunately, this is a self-defeating arrangement. If you're not a rock unto yourself, then you will simultaneously be relying on other people and only attracting those who cannot be counted on either. If they could be, they would not be attracted to somebody who could not be counted on by them. Does that make sense?

 

There's a reason why it's challenging for you to be alone. It could be instructive to learn about that and see if you can't put some work in there. You'll be doing yourself a huge service and upping the quality of person you could attract.

 

When we're born, we need our parents' unconditional giving of everything. It's what we need to fully form properly. If we don't receive this, it's something we can seek out until we find it. The problem there is that no other relationship can offer this. It's no different than substance abuse really; trying to use a surrogate to fill in a gap that can't be satiated. I'm not saying this was your experience, but I know this is common for people who are not comfortable being alone. I've destroyed relationships by requiring this same thing from others and didn't even realize it, so I can relate.

 

I hope that was helpful. I know when it was first explained to me, it made so much of my life--past, present, and future--that much clearer.

[aFireInside]

In shorter words, you are most likely very close. Just keep asking yourself questions like , "Why do I feel I need a romantic relationship to be happy?"

 

 

When we're born, we need our parents' unconditional giving of everything. It's what we need to fully form properly. If we don't receive this, it's something we can seek out until we find it. The problem there is that no other relationship can offer this. It's no different than substance abuse really; trying to use a surrogate to fill in a gap that can't be satiated. I'm not saying this was your experience, but I know this is common for people who are not comfortable being alone. I've destroyed relationships by requiring this same thing from others and didn't even realize it, so I can relate.

 

I hope that was helpful. I know when it was first explained to me, it made so much of my life--past, present, and future--that much clearer.

 

 

 

 

Ok, Im sorry if i painted a picture that isn't true. I don't need a relationship lets make that clear. I want one because i think it will make life richer. 

You guys make it sound like its a crime to want a relationship. 

 

I had opportunities to get into relationships but i didn't. If I thought having a relationship was necessary for my happiness i would have gotten into random ones even if the female was unhealthy. 

 

I have thought about this, am i looking for another mom in a relationship, and i would argue and say no . 

Because i have done allot of self work with FDR, I haven't had a relationship in years... not because i couldn't but because i choose not to. 

I didn't feel ready at the time and i had confusion about what is beauty and what is love and what i want in a relationship. 

[dsayers]

You're now saying exactly what I was saying, so I must confess I was seriously taken aback by

 

You guys make it sound like its a crime to want a relationship. 

 

That's a tall accusation. Can you show me where?

 

My post was in response to

 

And i don't know if i could be happy without a love relationship

 

Which is completely opposite from

 

If I thought having a relationship was necessary for my happiness i would have gotten into random ones even if the female was unhealthy. 

 

Am I missing something?

[tasmlab]

To the OP, I'm not sure how old you are but it seems to get easier as you age and go through a couple girlfriends.

 

This is total opinion, but I think the epicenter for disproportionate extended heartbreak is being around 19 years old.

[aFireInside]

You're now saying exactly what I was saying, so I must confess I was seriously taken aback by  That's a tall accusation. Can you show me where? My post was in response to  Which is completely opposite from  Am I missing something?

I quoted Nathon for his last statement . Last sentence I miss read yours sorry

[_LiveFree_]

And i don't know if i could be happy without a love relationship, i think that i could if i try hard but there would be something missing. 

 

 

In shorter words, you are most likely very close. Just keep asking yourself questions like , "Why do I feel I need a romantic relationship to be happy?"

 

 

What am I missing?

 

 

Let me ask a better question. Why do you think you keep going back to look at your ex's profile?

[aFireInside]

What am I missing?  Let me ask a better question. Why do you think you keep going back to look at your ex's profile?

To be honest I'm not sure , why do people in general do this ?

[dsayers]

Insecurity in not being able to get into another or better relationship. Insecurity in not being happy while outside of a relationship. An unwillingness to learn from mistakes. Seeking to recreate unprocessed trauma to feel "normal." Following the example of caregivers who modeled gravitation towards abusive relationships.

 

For you, it would be more important to understand why you are tempted to do this than what others might experience.

[aFireInside]

 For you, it would be more important to understand why you are tempted to do this than what others might experience.

Could it be that I didn't get closure ?

[dsayers]

Depends on what you mean by closure. Realistically, closure just means certainty.

 

this relationships was so bad and it will never work.

 

This seems pretty certain to me.

 

I know a lot of people use the word to mean a mutual ending. Unfortunately, this is not always attainable when talking about creatures of free will. If you wanted her and she didn't want you, this kind of closure could never be. If it was she's a horrible person that refuses to change, you can get this kind of closure there either.

 

Or did you mean something else?

[_LiveFree_]

Could it be that I didn't get closure ?

 

 

If you don't mind me asking, how did the relationship end?

[tasmlab]

In my experience, "closure" is pretty one-sided.  In the relationships I ended by my decision, by the time I was breaking up I was thoroughly just FINISHED seeing that person.  They almost seemed a little repulsive and I didn't want to entertain their pleas for explaining myself.

 

And there was little substance to the reason it seemed cruel and useless to provide it.

 

And being on the other end is just brutal as you search for some rational reason you were dumped, but the reality is that the other person stopped liking you.  and then if you even get the truth it is wholesale unsatisfying.

 

Ivan, I think what you are going through is very natural and typical.  Still sucks though.  I think you are supposed to get a shot and a beer and listen to country music.

[aFireInside]

If you don't mind me asking, how did the relationship end?

 

 

She gave me BS reasons to break up and then a few months later found another guy. 

She said she didnt have time but then she found another guy. 

 

And being on the other end is just brutal as you search for some rational reason you were dumped, but the reality is that the other person stopped liking you.  and then if you even get the truth it is wholesale unsatisfying.

 

Ivan, I think what you are going through is very natural and typical.  Still sucks though.  I think you are supposed to get a shot and a beer and listen to country music.

 

 

The person did stop liking me and idk if the truth would actually help me feel better.  

I think you are right, it is normal i know its not just me doing this. 

Depends on what you mean by closure. Realistically, closure just means certainty.

 

 

This seems pretty certain to me.

 

I know a lot of people use the word to mean a mutual ending. Unfortunately, this is not always attainable when talking about creatures of free will. If you wanted her and she didn't want you, this kind of closure could never be. If it was she's a horrible person that refuses to change, you can get this kind of closure there either.

 

Or did you mean something else?

 

 

To me closure in a relationship is ---->  

• a feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved:

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think that you are right in the sense that closure is unreachable, i have to get it myself (from within) . 

 

So i think i have to have closure with myself . 

[sagiquarius]

You mentioned the good 'ole penis.  What happens to your feelings of near obsession if you masturbate?  Apologies for the blunt question, but it's the only way I can think of to test your suggestion of ... you know.

 

Are you still "friends" with her on Facebook?

 

I hate having these thoughts in my head, its almost an obsession. 

Sometimes i click on her Facebook just to see her picture. 

Which is very stupid and it gets me mad because this relationships was so bad and it will never work. 

Buttttt this keeps happening.

Can you tell me what thoughts/images/feelings you experience when you see her picture?

 

If you know the relationship was unhealthy for you (I'd agree, given the way she ended it), what is it that you're missing from the relationship that has you pinning after her?

[dsayers]

 

To me closure in a relationship is ---->  

• a feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved:

 

Well, the external relationship HAS been resolved. Whether she lied or her situation changed, it's over between the two of you externally. All that's left is internally. Do you feel the desire to punish her for what you perceive to be lying to you? Do you feel the desire to hear her admit that she lied to you?

 

Ask yourself this question: Whether she lied to you, her situation changed, or some other factor you haven't considered, would it being one of these and not the other have any bearing on your life right now?

 

Let us suppose that she lied to you. Which would mean she couldn't even have the decency to be honest with you about something you deserve the truth about. Nothing you could do in regards to her would change the fact that you were attracted to somebody that couldn't value you enough to even be honest with you. How did this happen? It could provide self-knowledge that would help you to avoid repeat performances in your life. For example, was your relationship based on honesty? Did you talk about sensitive things? Did you demonstrate that you were open to honesty even when it would not be comfortable?

[_LiveFree_]

She gave me BS reasons to break up and then a few months later found another guy. 

She said she didnt have time but then she found another guy. 

 

 

The person did stop liking me and idk if the truth would actually help me feel better.  

I think you are right, it is normal i know its not just me doing this. 

 

 

To me closure in a relationship is ---->  

• a feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved:

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think that you are right in the sense that closure is unreachable, i have to get it myself (from within) . 

 

So i think i have to have closure with myself . 

 

The truth about why she stopped liking you will feel awful, no doubt. But the understanding you will gain from it will free you to start feeling much better. I think instead of passing this off as a "she's just a bad person and that's why she left me", maybe consider your roll in what happened. Regardless of if you would date her or someone like her again, you two liked each other enough to get involved in a romantic relationship. If she ended it, you need to really go inside yourself and try to understand why from her perspective the relationship was no longer good for her. 

 

Try not to think of it as right or wrong, but simply what was her experience of you.

 

 

The alternative is to continue doing what your doing and eventually repeating the pattern that got you here. 

[aFireInside]

You mentioned the good 'ole penis.  What happens to your feelings of near obsession if you masturbate?  Apologies for the blunt question, but it's the only way I can think of to test your suggestion of ... you know.

 

Are you still "friends" with her on Facebook?

Can you tell me what thoughts/images/feelings you experience when you see her picture?

 

If you know the relationship was unhealthy for you (I'd agree, given the way she ended it), what is it that you're missing from the relationship that has you pinning after her?

 

Where not friends anymore on fb, 

 

But i feel curious at the moment, and bad after. 

[sagiquarius]

You're curious about what she is doing and what not?Tell me more about the "bad" feeling, please.  Bad is a bit vague.

[tasmlab]

 

 

To me closure in a relationship is ---->  

• a feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved:

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think that you are right in the sense that closure is unreachable, i have to get it myself (from within) . 

 

So i think i have to have closure with myself . 

 

That's very eloquent!  And probably very true.  There's probably a psychological myth that we see romantic comedies that closure is something you get from the other person.  It does come from oneself.

 

Nice job!