Parent: 2 confront or not 2 confront.

[vlbk]

I'm contemplating the act of confronting my father in 5 days, but I wonder if doing this will somehow backfire. Of course it would be hard to make an opinion with out the helpful hand of information. So here's what I believe to be the relevant details.

 

I live alone, but my dad lives in the same apartment complex(not creepy...). The only thing you really need to know about him is 2 things: he's truly/amazingly/nauseatingly pathetic, and his unmatched negativity will drive you insane. I decided to take a 2 week period to see what difference it would make. Naturally, it's improved. The 2 week "vacation" is up in 5 days. This scares me. The point of this "vacation" was to see if I would gain the power of motivation if he wasn't there. I'm afraid if things go back to the way they used to be, that life will consist solely of steadily increasing misery, until death gives me a french kiss.

 

I am/was(not sure which as of now) in the process of trying to find a therapist. I went though a small agency in our town, but thus far I question their reliability(long story). If I find a therapist, it won't be soon. I have this strong feeling it's now or never.

 

Am I wrong? Are my instincts telling me the right thing to do? Or is it misguided emotions? Good advice is worth more than gold, at this moment.

[dsayers]

I don't follow. Confront him about what? Pathetic how? Negative how? Why would somebody else's negativity drive you insane? Vacation how?

[vlbk]

Oops. Looking at my first post I tried to play the "give as little info as possible and expect good results game".  My mistake. I guess a few more details wouldn't hurt.

I don't follow. Confront him about what? Pathetic how? Negative how? Why would somebody else's negativity drive you insane? Vacation how?

By confronting I mean telling my father how I feel. I feel dead inside 99% of the time, and when emotions do arise they're negative. He will have no problem with this, and in fact be supportive. The actual confrontation will come when I assign him the responsibility for killing my emotions.

When I call him pathetic I mean he has no will to do anything. He sits in his chair covered in his pink blanket all day. He showers once a week, on other days he kneels by the tub, washes his under arms, and *maybe* washes his hair if the mood strikes. He also does his laundry once every 4-6 months, despite wearing the same pair of pants and shirt all winter. There is of course more, but I think you get the point.

My father is always negative. He constantly talks about his problems. Most of his problems are mind numbingly simple("I'm tired of eating a cold meat sandwich everyday" ). If you give him the answer("cook something") he either points out a problem("I'll have to do extra dishes") or he will start talking about the problem some more. He repeats the same exact problems with the same exact words. When you give him solution that he thinks its a good idea, sometime later he repeats it as if you never talked about it.

If you haven't figured out how my dad drives me crazy read on.He has no one to socialize with, except me. He usually comes in the evening and can stay anywhere from 3-5 hours. Some of the time he sits on my couch and quite literally sits there doing nothing. Other times he talks to me. A lot of the time he uses my home phone(his phone has limited minutes unlike mine). He either calls his parents or his one friend. Conversations can last anywhere from 1-2 hours, and listening can drive me crazy. Years ago he visited his parents out of state. When talking to me on the phone they told me they can't stand him(his negativity). They asked "how can you put up with him?" My grandmother was considering taking depression medication it was that bad. If you're wondering, I'm telling this story just to show it's not just in my head.

The "vacation" means I told my father that I need a break from him for 2 weeks. He didn't like it, but I forced him anyways! The deadline for the "vacation" is up in 5 days.

In closing this isn't meant to be a post complaining about my father, I would have preferred not to. I just wanted to answer the questions.

[dsayers]

when emotions do arise they're negative

 

I assume you mean unpleasant, and I'm really sorry to hear that. I would argue that all emotions are positive because they never lie to you.

 

To answer your titular question, what would confronting him accomplish? Either he is already aware of how he affects you or he is not. If he is, then he's sadistic. If he is not, then he's uncaring. So he's either cruel or incompetent. I'm not saying you shouldn't confront him, but I do think that like your emotions, you should be honest with yourself as to why you're doing it, what you hope to accomplish by doing it, and what the likelihood of that outcome would be.

 

I think the more important question is the one your emotions might be trying to tell you about. Namely, why would you allow somebody like that in your life? I fully accept that dysfunction in the offspring is entirely the parent's fault. But adult relationships are voluntary. I mean, if his hygiene is half as bad as you say, it's literally a hazard to your physical health to be in his presence. I think you already understand the hazard to your psychological health.

 

If you think that confronting him might bring about real change, then great. However, I think you owe it to yourself to save yourself before you try managing other people who are not your responsibility. Does any of this make sense?

[Tyler Durden]

By confronting I mean telling my father how I feel.

In general, you should always be honest about how you feel and what you think, to everyone.

 

As for your specific situation. He has been dumping his negativity on you and that's very bad. You put an end to that and that's very good. I think your instincts are spot on and I would strongly advise you to use the momentum you have now to bring about a permanent change. For a permanent change there are basically only 2 options:

 

1. he changes his behavior significantly

2. you cut him out of your life for another specified or indefinite amount of time

 

Both of these options require you to confront him, in fact, both of these options probably require you to confront him more than once.

 

If you don't confront him I predict that he will instantly revert to his old behavior as soon as the 2 weeks are over. So if I were you I wouldn't look at the confrontation as something optional. There's not really any way around it, if you want to continue growing you need to confront him and you need to set some serious boundaries.

 

So the first thing I would advise you to do is write down for yourself what you want to say to him. Don't hold back, just write everything down, express yourself completely.

 

Then write down what you want to change. Do you want to allow him back into your life on different terms, like only once a week, no phonecalls from your telephone, and no bitching about anything? Do you want him to stay away for another 2 weeks? Another month? Another half year? Indefinitely? Write it down as specific as you can.

 

Once you've done that the actual confrontation will be a lot easier, but probably still hard, prepare for that. The most important thing you need to do is be extremely specific in what you want. This is especially important if you decide to let him back into your life, because if he comes in and starts complaining again you should be able to say "hey, I told you I wouldn't tolerate this anymore, get out now, you can come back next week and try again".

 

The most important thing for you in all of this is to learn how to set boundaries and enforce them. Either by limiting the amount of time or by limiting the type of behavior you're willing to put up with. You made a great first step, now it's time to make another one.

[cab21]

do it

[andrew m.]

If it seems overwhelming, maybe start with the confrontation in your mind only. Write down on paper how you think the conversation would go, what you would say, etc. 

 

I think if you're not sure how he would react to telling him your feelings, do it and find out.