Self-Erasure and Dating

[Metal Chef]

Hi guys I'm back today with another video. It talks more on the bad relationship I just got out of. I am video logging my insights on this relationship while they are still fresh in my head. Hopefully this is helpful to anyone who watches it. I do appreciate feedback, and any viewer who will take the time to watch. Thank you!

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hI0TbCvfVPE&feature=youtu.be

[LovePrevails]

nice to see you back! thanls for making videos

[Three]

Thank you for your time, vulnerability and courage to put this video out. It taught me something really important, which is that it's okay to make these kinds of mistakes, to learn from them, and to share your experiences with others. My usual pattern, after a break up or ending a friend relationship, has been to self attack and feel crippling shame. I've experienced voices like, "how could you have let this happen, you've read RTR, you know better!"

This left me with much shame, so much that, while these are important things that have been going on in my life, I haven't shared these things on the board or thought about them as much as I could have. However, while watching your video and noticing that I was not harshly judging you, I couldn't help but wonder why I do that to myself sometimes.

It's something that's been improving, but this video has motivated me to do more and in the future be more honest and vulnerable so that I  can help others.


I would like to get your thoughts on this, though. It's a question I've was asking myself as I watched your video.

What do you think are the secondary gains to self erasure. Why do you think people self erase? 

Some reasons that occur to me are from my experience are that

• The alternative, being myself, would be extraordinarily anxiety producing. It's difficult for me to be authentic sometimes due to fear of attack from others in the moment, but it's also the long term consequences that are scary for me. I know deep down that If I am myself, that I will probably start looking for a different job, I will move somewhere else, I will change eating habits ect
  
  haha I was going to make a list, but my thoughts aren't very list like at the moment, so I'm going to ditch dots.
  
  So, I'm thinking maybe people self erase through bad relationships for the same reasons people self erase with drugs. To self medicate and to avoid grieving. And to not sit down and feel your own pain, to avoid grieving, would be doing to yourself what was done  to you by your parents. Thus, in moments where we self erase, we are taking on the role of our parents, in much of the same way a bully who identifies with their abuser is taking on the of their parents when he hits others the way he was hit. The difference is that we are acting out our parents aggression not towards others, but rather to ourself. 
  
  And presumably, since the more violent a parent is the more violent the bully tends to be, the more a parent hates her children, then more severe  the self hatred in that adult child would be. And the more a person hates himself, because he's internalized his parents hatred, the more extreme the self erasure tends to be. I'm thinking of like self mutilation and things like that. 
  
   

 

Maybe this is helpful, maybe this doesn't make sense. I'd like to you or anyone else's perspective. 

[massaki]

Hi guys I'm back today with another video. It talks more on the bad relationship I just got out of. I am video logging my insights on this relationship while they are still fresh in my head. Hopefully this is helpful to anyone who watches it. I do appreciate feedback, and any viewer who will take the time to watch. Thank you!

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hI0TbCvfVPE&feature=youtu.be

MORE VIDEOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ebrink06]

Some reasons that occur to me are from my experience are that

• The alternative, being myself, would be extraordinarily anxiety producing. It's difficult for me to be authentic sometimes due to fear of attack from others in the moment, but it's also the long term consequences that are scary for me. I know deep down that If I am myself, that I will probably start looking for a different job, I will move somewhere else, I will change eating habits ect

   

  haha I was going to make a list, but my thoughts aren't very list like at the moment, so I'm going to ditch dots.

   

  So, I'm thinking maybe people self erase through bad relationships for the same reasons people self erase with drugs. To self medicate and to avoid grieving. And to not sit down and feel your own pain, to avoid grieving, would be doing to yourself what was done  to you by your parents. Thus, in moments where we self erase, we are taking on the role of our parents, in much of the same way a bully who identifies with their abuser is taking on the of their parents when he hits others the way he was hit. The difference is that we are acting out our parents aggression not towards others, but rather to ourself. 

 

Sorry to hear you guys are experiencing this. I think we all have moments where we feel that the risk being ostracized or making big changes in life is greater than the need to be honest. I'm having difficulties organizing my ideas because there is so much that surrounds this problem. We are expected to self-erase from the time we begin to express ourselves in our toddler years. We are expected to conform to our parents, teachers, friends, laws etc. It's a real challenge to break away from that. I think biologically we've always needed to conform since ostracism from your tribe out into the wilderness meant death. Now we can easily stay alive in the societal structure we have, and can fairly easily find others with whom to relate. It's easy to understand logically, but is still emotionally challenging. Besides leftover biology, I think we self erase for two fundamental reasons: low self-esteem, and a mindset of scarcity. If we don't value ourselves, our needs and desires have no value and no right to be expressed. If we fear that there are no other options for a better lover/job/whatever we will continue to self-erase to keep harmony in our current situation.

 

I'm currently experiencing self-erasure from the other side in my relationship. It's hard for me to hear that "everything I have done, I've done for you, not because I wanted it." It makes me feel like I have unintentionally played the tyrant. Without the other's voice in the relationship i feel like I have no footing. She has started to express herself more, and gets upset or doesn't come home when we disagree. I had to explain that it's okay if we don't agree on everything, that I am allowed to have an opinion, and she is allowed to have an opinion, and that they're both important and valid. As she is stopping self-erasure, exploring what she actually wants is a process. It is challenging to be with someone who doesn't express themselves or know what they want- it's kind of a moving target. I'm just trying to encourage the process, support her as much as she'll let me, and continue to have integrity to myself.