Self Erasure. Opinions and thoughts wanted.

[massaki]

What do you guys define as self-erasure?

 

Why do you think people self erase?

 

 

I think of self erasure as doing thing that makes the self seem smaller.

 

Like playing video games, sitting in a way that makes yourself smaller, watching T.V, porn, overeating, or eating really unhealthy food,etc. 

I think certain things you can do that can be the opposite like self expanding, like sitting more openly, or writing a story, interacting with people who are like us and not like the zombies, etc. 

 

I have found doing the things i thought were to be self erasing, makes me feel small, weak, like i don;t matter, i feel insecure and closed off.

I have noticed doing the things that i thought were self expanding made me feel more confident, it made me feel more stable, and happy and more out going, it built upon its self.

 

I think people self erase because it's a very valuable survival tool. Many people including myself childhoods revolved around us self- erasing ourselves to benefit  those around us who had power and have used it violently against us. It protects us from abusers.  I am still am in an abusive relationship with my mother, and i have noticed after i start to self expand, I become neurotic, constantly thinking about how i can self erase. I think because i still am in that dangerous situation and not by not self erasing i still am attacked. I also discovered that emotionally i am still a little boy, I'm  little Dan on a emotional level, and intellectually i am older ,but the emotional part of me is more primal and dominant. I thought of Writing letters to little Dan and help him feel safe ,so i can self expand, but i was wrong in that. I cannot protect him in this environment. I want to make this statement that i think is true. You cannot stop self-erasing with abusive people around you, be it family or friends, you cannot fully expand yourself to your greatest capacity while there are people around you to tear you down in any way even small ones.

 

 

[Three]

I actually asked the same question on another post a few days ago. My thoughts are similar to yours. I think ironically that originally self erasure was a self preservation mechanism. A plea to be allowed to live, especially if your parents hate you or feel like having you ruined their life as mine did. As a result, I would spend hours playing video games in my room alone.To be so deprived for love throughout life leaves a very painful wound. If we were taught how to grieve, how to identify, how to express compassion and curiosity towards ourselves, then this would be something we would do in response to our wounds. However, since we have internalized our parents hatred towards us, since our parents responded to our wounds, needs and deprivation with hostility and indifference, we respond to our wounds in the same way. Thus, self erasure to me is when we alleviate our anxieties by taking on the role of our parents and in some degree or another act out their aggression towards ourselves. Similar to how a bully acts out his parents physical aggression and alleviates his anxiety by beating people up. Depending on the severity of the aggression, this can look like anything from food addictions to self mutilation.  

[dsayers]

Why do you think people self erase?

 

Normalization/internalization of erasure of the person by others. Usually parents and parent-selected caregivers since they are the one who create the environment during the formative years.

 

To me, self-erasure isn't what happens when you're alone, but when you're in a group. If in a group, you are smaller than others, maybe not speaking up or when you do, adding a nervous laugh to invite others to disregard you; that sort of thing.

[massaki]

Joel i agree with you.  The wounds they inflict and then don't just leave them festering, they stick a knife in and make wounds worse. I think food addiction is self mutilation though. You're hurting ,possibly permanently damaging your insides,depending on your metabolism, you are  adding fat to your body, this makes stretch marks, it makes it hard for you to do physical activities, it decreases your sexual performance. It mutilates your life. 

 

For me  i always felt my parents resented having me they didn't want to really talk with me and even when i played games, i always remember begging them to watch me play and out of the hundreds of times that i asked,, i remember my mom maybe watched  once and she pretended(not convincingly) to watch. She didn't take interest in most of the things that i did expect things she could show off to other people, to make this picture of a good son and a happy family. My tools of self-erasure was T.V, games overeating, i also played pretend and fantasized a lot,creating worlds in my head, i guess that's what made me good at writing and creating worlds and stories. If i didn't do all of that , i had to see my mother who was really violent and verbally abusive, and my cousin who loved to torture me and all the roaches around me. My mind might wonder to school and the kids that bullied me and the teachers who would get mad at me instead of helping me. I was actually allergic to roaches so i kept on breaking out and  i couldn't really sleep at night. 

 

I'm actually happy and proud of myself though. I'm happy that i can see all of this and for all of the Evil that it is and when i do have children its gonna be something i will not inflict on them and something i am and will continue working on so they will never have to experience this kind of sickness. 

 

 

Joel could you tell me about your experiences with self-erasure, like about your childhood?

 

I also want to say, you should be proud too,You have come a long way to see this and to realize this too and it must have taken a lot of work to do. I'm glad that you did come to these realization and did go out of your way to search for truth. Thank you all for all of your efforts.