abcqwerty123 Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 Does anyone else find it extremely difficult to be yourself? Every morning, I wake up and wonder whether I should just be myself at take the abuse or to hide myself and be like everyone else. If I choose to be myself, then I am attacked on everything I do. I have so little, if anything at all, in common with people around me and I have been locked in a cage for so long that now that I am old enough to go out and leave this area behind, I can't figure out how to even start. -I say I am an atheist, I am told I'm a fucking idiot, by atheists who refuses to tell other people they too are atheists. -I say I am an anarchist, I can't even finish my sentence with "because I believe that everyone should be free." before I am being called childish scum who just wants chaos. -I say I love tennis, I am called a pussy and told to watch real sports like football and hockey. -I attempt to get a job, I am told if I am not home to do what is asked of me at the time it is asked, then I will be kicked out. The list goes on... So again, does anyone else find it extremely difficult to be yourself?
Kevin Beal Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 I'm certainly not perfect at it, but I noticed a shift for myself to become a lot more expressive of the real thoughts and feelings I had, when the pain of having to hide myself became too strong that the anxiety of being myself became trivial in comparison. I think some of Nathaniel Branden's sentence completions are helpful in this regard: to put it in the appropriate perspective. If, when I was young, someone had told me my wants really mattered… If, when I was young, I had been taught to honor my own life… If I treat my life as unimportant… If I were willing to say yes when I want to say yes and no when I want to say no… If I were willing to let people hear the music inside me… If I were to express 5 percent more of who I am… If you are a good honest person (and I'm sure that you are), being yourself means being honest and living in contrast with those who are not. Who are the people who don't want you to be yourself? Who don't want you to bring honesty and truth into the relationship? It's hard to tell if you don't give them the chance to present themselves, right? One of the biggest reasons to be yourself is to spot the people who would attack or manipulate you for it. And on the flipside see who is attracted to that. So you become, well, actually Stef has a really great description of it in the following video, starting at the 3:38:
Tyler Durden Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 It's only difficult in the beginning, once you get the hang of it it's actually not that hard to do. Since you don't know where to start, let me give you some advice on that: Start with what is least controversial. It's not all or nothing, you need to build that shit up gradually. When you've never been to a gym in your life you don't start with the heaviest weights you can find. Don't pick up more than you can handle, don't bite off more than you can chew. The 4 things you named range from one end of the controversy spectrum all the way to the other end. Anarchism is probably the most controversial idea in the world. Atheism is not nearly as controversial, it might be controversial where you live, but a billion people in the world are non-religious. Tennis is not controversial at all in most places. And having a job is actually the norm, pretty much everywhere. So what you need to do is simple, leave the anarchy for now, leave the atheism for now, don't pay too much attention to tennis, and go get a job. Tell everyone who discourages you to get a job to go fuck themselves, or don't if you're really dependent on them, but realize that they are not on your side and should be ignored at all costs. Once you get the job, get a place of your own and find yourself some tennis loving friends. Then, and only then, is it time to alienate all of those new found friends with atheism and anarchy. No, but seriously, just get a job and move out man. That should be your one and only focus, leave the rest for later.
abcqwerty123 Posted April 5, 2014 Author Posted April 5, 2014 I'm certainly not perfect at it, but I noticed a shift for myself to become a lot more expressive of the real thoughts and feelings I had, when the pain of having to hide myself became too strong that the anxiety of being myself became trivial in comparison. I think some of Nathaniel Branden's sentence completions are helpful in this regard: to put it in the appropriate perspective. If, when I was young, someone had told me my wants really mattered… If, when I was young, I had been taught to honor my own life… If I treat my life as unimportant… If I were willing to say yes when I want to say yes and no when I want to say no… If I were willing to let people hear the music inside me… If I were to express 5 percent more of who I am… If you are a good honest person (and I'm sure that you are), being yourself means being honest and living in contrast with those who are not. Who are the people who don't want you to be yourself? Who don't want you to bring honesty and truth into the relationship? It's hard to tell if you don't give them the chance to present themselves, right? One of the biggest reasons to be yourself is to spot the people who would attack or manipulate you for it. And on the flipside see who is attracted to that. So you become, well, actually Stef has a really great description of it in the following video, starting at the 3:38: My problem is that I can't tell which is more difficult/painful. To hide myself and not be beaten down or to be who I am and have no peace. Don't get me wrong though. I know that there are people who I can be myself around out there, just not that I have met in my area and I am having trouble growing and getting out of this area because of what my life has designed me to be... Basically, I am trying to break my mold. I will have to watch the video tomorrow. I am about to pass out I am so tired lol. Been studying all night and I need to try and sleep. It's only difficult in the beginning, once you get the hang of it it's actually not that hard to do. Since you don't know where to start, let me give you some advice on that: Start with what is least controversial. It's not all or nothing, you need to build that shit up gradually. When you've never been to a gym in your life you don't start with the heaviest weights you can find. Don't pick up more than you can handle, don't bite off more than you can chew. The 4 things you named range from one end of the controversy spectrum all the way to the other end. Anarchism is probably the most controversial idea in the world. Atheism is not nearly as controversial, it might be controversial where you live, but a billion people in the world are non-religious. Tennis is not controversial at all in most places. And having a job is actually the norm, pretty much everywhere. So what you need to do is simple, leave the anarchy for now, leave the atheism for now, don't pay too much attention to tennis, and go get a job. Tell everyone who discourages you to get a job to go fuck themselves, or don't if you're really dependent on them, but realize that they are not on your side and should be ignored at all costs. Once you get the job, get a place of your own and find yourself some tennis loving friends. Then, and only then, is it time to alienate all of those new found friends with atheism and anarchy. No, but seriously, just get a job and move out man. That should be your one and only focus, leave the rest for later. I can't get a good job because I have 13,000$ in collections because it was stolen from me so any higher paying job that checks credit, instantly kicks me out the door. Yet, I need a good job to move out right away because I can't get a job without being kicked out. Believe it or not, my dad will kick me out if I get a job because I am not there to take care of everything for him. And lastly, I live in a pretty crappy area where the closest bus stop is miles away, near where I could work, and I don't have a car. Keep in mind, these are excuses, but they aren't defining. By that I mean, they will be the results if I take those actions, but I know that there is a way out and I am just trying to discover it. As for tennis, I put that in there because I live in the small part of California where everyone is a religious hardcore patriotic republican where logic means nothing, facts mean nothing, and no matter what, if the sport isn't football, baseball, basketball or hockey, then it is a third world shit sport for pussies. Anarchy and atheism, yup, very dangerous to be either in my area. Just from sharing a few of Stefan's videos on my facebook, I went from around 200 friends to about 80. And I guarantee not a single person watched any of the videos, just saw the title and removed me. Anyways, I am just stuck, and I know I will get out of it because I know that I can do anything, I just have to figure out how and how to stay positive. I have ptsd, depression and all that stuff but I refuse to take medications. I may be wrong in my thought, but I figure, these problems came from my mind being unable to deal with my surroundings, so I can fix it by understanding the cause and conquering it. Oh, and, it is hard to find meds that don't completely screw you up, if there even are any.
Tyler Durden Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 I can't get a good job because I have 13,000$ in collections because it was stolen from me so any higher paying job that checks credit, instantly kicks me out the door. Yet, I need a good job to move out right away because I can't get a job without being kicked out. Believe it or not, my dad will kick me out if I get a job because I am not there to take care of everything for him. And lastly, I live in a pretty crappy area where the closest bus stop is miles away, near where I could work, and I don't have a car. Keep in mind, these are excuses, but they aren't defining. By that I mean, they will be the results if I take those actions, but I know that there is a way out and I am just trying to discover it. As for tennis, I put that in there because I live in the small part of California where everyone is a religious hardcore patriotic republican where logic means nothing, facts mean nothing, and no matter what, if the sport isn't football, baseball, basketball or hockey, then it is a third world shit sport for pussies. Anarchy and atheism, yup, very dangerous to be either in my area. Just from sharing a few of Stefan's videos on my facebook, I went from around 200 friends to about 80. And I guarantee not a single person watched any of the videos, just saw the title and removed me. Anyways, I am just stuck, and I know I will get out of it because I know that I can do anything, I just have to figure out how and how to stay positive. I have ptsd, depression and all that stuff but I refuse to take medications. I may be wrong in my thought, but I figure, these problems came from my mind being unable to deal with my surroundings, so I can fix it by understanding the cause and conquering it. Oh, and, it is hard to find meds that don't completely screw you up, if there even are any. That's a challenging situation for sure, sorry to hear that. Much respect for refusing to take meds though, I share your point of view on that. So in light of the new information, let me try to give you something useful. Feel free to ignore my advice completely if it doesn't resonate with you, but these are my thoughts: There are clearly significant obstacles for getting a regular job: the financial situation, the physical location, the mental health problems, and that's not even taking into account that you're probably way too smart to feel fulfilled with a regular job. So, I recommend you don't pursue that route but instead go another route and turn some of these obstacles into assets. You're a man with a history, in a challenging environment where you feel stuck, but with a lot of potential and a desire to break out of it. That's a story right there! That's something A LOT of people can relate to. Now if I combine that with what I read over here where it says that you "have been studying all aspects of video production for years now, and want to start working on videos". It becomes quite clear what you need to do: start a YouTube channel. But, in order for you to get something out of it I wouldn't make it about anarchy and religion and that sort of stuff, I would make it about you, your passions, and your journey. What is the cause of your PTSD? How did you get into that situation? How did you get out? Why have you decided not to take meds? What are you doing instead of meds? And you like tennis? What's awesome about tennis? How does that sport even work? Can you make a video montage of cool tennis moments? And how did you learn to create such awesome videos? What are ten things that every beginner should know about camera settings and lighting? Where do you get your background music? What tips do you have for editing? In order to make money off it I would combine that YouTube channel with a website where you offer your services in video production. In that way every YouTube video serves as an advertisement for your services, and at the same time you're expressing yourself and you're connecting to people who actually have something in common with you. Watch these videos for inspiration:
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