Advice needed

[Saarl]

Hi there.I'm new here and I'm seeking some advice to my issue (I solved many aleady, but there's one I just can't)Brief history of mine:Both my parents come from broken families, they were abused and neglected as children. No suprise then when I was born my father was 15 and my mother 17 and I was rejected, especially by my mother. They decided to keep me though (It was I guess out of fear - what would other people say to that), they blamed me for everythig bad that has happened to them, I was labeled evil eventhough I didn't do anything wrong. I was abused, emotionally, verbally, and a little bit physically (no serious physical damage was done, just slaping with an open hand or belt), I lived (from as far as I can remember) in constant fear I will be thrown away from home, my mother did say those threats out loud, like "behave or else I will put you to the orphanage, you brat, and you will see" (first time I remember I was pre-school, and she never stopped). Those and more other threats were constant in my life, for as long as I lived with them. Other than that when I wasn't abused I was mostly neglected. (they were to "discipline" or they just didn't care and had better things to do) My parents never spoke to me, barely spoke to eachother. I'm the only child, but my grandma lived with us (she was disabled, couldn't leave house and live on her own. So I spent my days in my room alone, pretending I wasn't there. Early on I figured out this is the safest way for me to survive. At times I was afraid even when I needed to go to bathroom, because I would have to leave the room and if my mother would see me there was always this possibility she will start yelling at me for whatever reason (she was always able to find something) and then continue yelling for hours. I had very little contact with anyone. No relationships with other family members.When I went to school it wasn't getting any better. I've had already eating dosorders, I was depressed and other children already started teasing me (because I was fat and the only redhead in class). Our teacher didn't like me to the point she was lowering my grades for no reason. So I had noone to protect me. As soon as other children realized that, I was their favorite target. And when I tried to protect myself (with violence of course) I was punished even more.As I grew older, my parents invented new form of punishment - they would ground me for whatever reason, forcing me to sit alone in my room, listening to their quarrels or parties. Other than that I wasn't allowed to ask any questions, I was forced to obey. They killed my curiosity, any traces of self esteem, they were also able to make me think I'm stupid. And pretty early on I figured out anything I say can and will be used against me rather sooner than later. I was defiant of course. I became really agressive, then I just sort of shut down for few years. I got used to other children teasing me, didn't do anything about it anymore.I'm slowly getting to the point when I need the advice. Little more of my story is required though.I was 15 and I went to highschool. There was a serious rage in me at that point already. I managed to scare off everyone with my appearance and studied angry stares. Noone dared to challange me. Finally I had some brief moments of piece. I fell in "love" with some guy, I was rejected of course. it was then I started practising self harm. I was cutting myself on a regular basis and I really wanted to die. I was imprisoned, unable to make connection with anyone, in constant rage, really truly wanted to kill everyone. And of course I was ashamed of myself because of that.So it was nothing unusual that I fell for the first guy who have shown me any interest, any pretence of care. At 16 I was no longer alone, I had a companion now. We began to have sex with eachother. It was nice at the beginning. The relationship was going quite nicely for a year or so. We've shared similar interests, we talked much about stuff I wasn't able to talk with anyone before. And then it started to change slowly. Of course I started showing what I was taught at home - I became abusive towards him. And I began to notice (then it was nothing more than just an unconcius feeling, nothing that I could define) he doesn't care about me, he was just feeling lonely, and wanted someone to appreciate him, someone who would listen to him and to have sex with. Just anyone who would make him feel better about himself. And it made me feel growing irritation.Time was passing and he wanted more sex, at the same time I was feeling more and more uncomfortable with that. Not only because I was afraid I will get pregnant and end up like my mother, but also somwhere at the bottom of my mind I knew it was just all about him, that anyone could be at my place. I started refusing to have sex with him, and he began pressuring me. It always ended up with me having sex with him, because I couldn't handle the pressure and of course I didn't want to lose him, couldn't stand any possibility of another rejection, after all he was the only one who at least pretended he cared (and I've never seen anything better in reality). At times I felt so violated I started crying during an intercourse, and just couldn't stop. And I became even more abusive towards him after that. It was a long process, after four years I've had enough of this forced sex and I was too ashamed of the abuse I inflicted on him. I felt guilty and humiliated by my own actions. I've seen my worst fear becomming reality - that I'm becomming like my mother. I broke up with him. I never tried to make him come back to me. For me it was over. Few months later he came to me and he wanted to be with me again. I'm not sure how it happened, I honestly don't recall, but I agreed. We were back together. But this relationship was nonexistant. It was all back to growing abuse from both sides (I was much more abusive than he was). I was more and more depressed. I gained so much weight I had difficulties even walking, because of this depression and because I didn't want to look attractive to him. I just didn't want him to touch me (that of course wouldn't stop him). Then I had to run from home, from my parents (they still abused me all this time) and since I was convinced I can't make it on my own I came to stay with my boyfriend (he suggested that much earlier, I just didn't want that). It lasted three more years, and long story short - it got just worse. I gave him hell. And I gave me hell as well. And ended up with him kicking me out because I couldn't stand it no longer and tried to commit suicide (again) and he couldn't stand that.Little more than half year later (when I was back living in my parents house, again abused by them) I had some luck, and stumbled upon someone who offered to help me. And he did. With his help I managed to deal with almost all of my issues (of course I need much more time and much more practice to be able to ever recover, and have a chance to become a decent human being). It took me more than three months just to face what I've become, how evil and monstrous I am. Spent many sleepless nights, facing this horror and recognizing my own responsibility for what's occured. And I'm finally starting to break free. I confronted my parents about what they did to me, and left. I no longer stay in touch with them, never regreted this decision. And I'm slowly getting better.I no longer see my ex, though he was more than happy to come to see me and try to force me to have sex with him even later on and for quite a time. I'm doing much better without him, In fact I'm doing better than ever.But... there's this sex issue with which I just can't deal. I know I basically opened myself for an exploitation, invited everything that has happened, I could have avoid it and I didn't. I know there's noone to blame for that except of me. And yet I can't process or maybe just accept it. I'm completely stuck and don't know what to do. I need someone to point me what am I doing wrong. If you can, please help.

 

Thanks for reading, Sorry for my crappy english and lack of communication skills.

[jpahmad]

Welcome Saarl,

 

Do you have the resources to see a therapist?

[Saarl]

I actually am after five months of really intensive therapy and a year of just trying to digest these things. And I'm still consulting my therapist from time to time. He knows about this issue, he told me we will get back to it later, maybe he thinks I'm not ready yet. And I don't know if I'm ready either. The thing is just bothering me so I decided I write it down here and see if someone has some idea about it. Or maybe there was a similar issue here on the board. Other than that I would probably be able to afford to see a specialist here in Poland but I have pretty unstable work situation at this very point. It will change in a month only I'm not quite sure for better or for worse.

[Tyler Durden]

That's quite a story, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. Let me just make 2 quick comments before I address your actual question.

 

(no serious physical damage was done, just slaping with an open hand or belt)

 

A belt is damn serious. You've done a really good job of being honest about what was done to you throughout your entire post, but in this sentence you're minimizing something that's actually very serious.

 

Thanks for reading, Sorry for my crappy english and lack of communication skills.

 

Your English is excellent and your story was well communicated. There is no need for you to ever apologize for those things.

 

But... there's this sex issue with which I just can't deal. I know I basically opened myself for an exploitation, invited everything that has happened, I could have avoid it and I didn't. I know there's noone to blame for that except of me. And yet I can't process or maybe just accept it. I'm completely stuck and don't know what to do. I need someone to point me what am I doing wrong. If you can, please help.

 

As for your main question. I don't think you're doing anything wrong. You did make some mistakes, but given the circumstances they were definitely understandable mistakes. You corrected your mistakes in time, you stayed alive, you didn't get pregnant, you didn't follow in your mother's footsteps, you accepted help from someone, and you worked on yourself up to the point where you got all the abusive people out of your life, got your life back on track, and are now asking for advice to improve yourself even further on the finest philosophy website the world has to offer in a foreign language that you've mastered to a great degree.

 

You did a damn good job.

 

Naturally there are some things that you still need to process, but that's not because you're doing anything wrong. It just needs time. I think talking about it to someone can certainly help, writing it down might also be a good idea, but even if you don't do those things it will resolve itself over time. Just allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up and express them in whatever way you think is best.

[Saarl]

A belt is damn serious. You've done a really good job of being honest about what was done to you throughout your entire post, but in this sentence you're minimizing something that's actually very serious.

I'm trying to be really honest, I just didn't say what I acctually wanted. And what I meant was they didn't do any serious damage to my body, like visible bruises or wounds (or at least I didn't see or recall any). I know how large impact it had on my brain I do not minimalize that.

 

Thank you for so encouraging comment. I guess I may be just impatient, because I don't want to waste any more of my time.

[jpahmad]

But... there's this sex issue with which I just can't deal. I know I basically opened myself for an exploitation, invited everything that has happened, I could have avoid it and I didn't. I know there's noone to blame for that except of me. And yet I can't process or maybe just accept it. I'm completely stuck and don't know what to do. I need someone to point me what am I doing wrong. If you can, please help.

 

Saarl, I'm a little confused with what you mean by the "sex issue."  Are you having trouble being intimate with other men, or are you just feeling really bothered by what happened in the past with your ex-boyfriend?

[Saarl]

I guess it's both. I still can't process the thing with my ex which makes me avoid any other men as well. And there's a bit more to this thing. I don't think I'm ready for any relationship, and I won't be for at least few more years (I have to practice managing my emotions and try to become more consistant with what I think, do, want to achieve and what I feel as well, and just get rid of as much mess from my head as possible) otherwise I will just do the same shit all over again. And there is this thing - I think I might have fallen for someone already. I might be just mistaken or confused. It's kind of hard to trust my own judgement after all I've been through. I tried to study my feelings. Carefully compared it to all Stef's podcasts about love I've already listened to (I'm new in here, so far I'm in about 3/4 of relationships category), but I'm getting this feeling it might be it. Or I'm confusing it with something which I would describe as some sort of authority figure. I'm clearly responding to his virtues. And the more I'm getting to know the man the more it makes my jaw drop. He's just amazing no matter from which side I'm trying to look. He has this incredible integrity, like he was whole. Anyway, getting back to the point - I recently met with this man, we spent some time together and one thing stroke me as odd and worrying and even kind of scary. I don't feel any sexual attraction towards the man. I just can't feel anything. Like I was blocked. I think I should feel something, like anything, and I'm just empty. I can't even find words to describe it. And I'm confused. So I was thinking about it more, and everytime I ended up trying to solve this ex case. Because I simply can't find any other possible reason. And other than that until this ex case is closed I won't be able to manage this fear of being exploited again (but I have no such fear associated with the man, it occures just when I'm thinking about possible relationship with men in general).

[jpahmad]

I think you have to crawl before you walk, walk before you run...etc.  Progress inch by inch, and be satisfied with how far you've gotten so far.  It sounds like you are moving in the right direction.

[Wesley]

Most of my life was spent with abusive people. When I came to realize this, I began to distance myself from everyone because I did not trust myself to know who was good to let into my life and who was not. I needed to work on myself and my past and my motivations with a therapist before I felt comfortable connecting with people again.

 

Even if they were the most virtuous person I had ever met, I didn't know if they were actually good people or if I was blind to a cycle repetition from my past and would end up hurt again. I may have just thought they were virtuous.

 

After some time, I became better at noticing myself and other people's actions and a more active analyzer through live-action or through journaling afterwards and I felt that I could open up and meet people again and know how much I can interact with people. I think that this is a healthy and necessary process.

 

We develop a shield against abuse. Whether you fought in the face of it, ran away from the danger, or froze into zombie-like complacency, this shield helped save you from even worse abuse than you would have gotten. This shield saved your life.

 

Once we begin self-knowledge we realize we have our shield constantly up as we needed protection from almost everyone. This is natural and the reason you made it through your life to this point. That shield has protected you. 

 

However, we strive for more. To not live in fear of the people around us and to not constantly need a shield.

 

We first need to heal our bodies and minds and learn to know who the enemies are and where to find friends.

 

Only then can we lower the shield and live safely among friends.