tarker12 Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 I am having trouble dealing with a friend I am currently displeased with. So me him and a couple others agreed months ago that we would meet up every other week on sunday to hang out. One of my other friends organizes it so I will call him person A. The person I am displeased with is person B. So the day rolls around and person A reminds person B that we are meeting up a day in advance, person B responds that he made plans (going to a show) over the plans. Person A says ok in a not so happy way but lets it go. I ask person B why he has no respect for person A's time or the rest of the group, he made a verbal agreement with us and did not keep to it so isn't his words now just useless? For the record there was no family emergency, no one was dying this was a "I said I'd go but by that I REALLY meant I would go if another better offer does not come along". From how I see it all I am doing is calling him on his B.S. and his lack of empathy for person A's time. I wanted him to not be dishonest with his agreements and standards. He of course gets mad and thinks its no problem at all but I was pretty adament that this is all based on principles, this is far past our group of friends. This is him showing NO respect for his own agreements or his friends. What do you guys think? Do I just have a stick in my butt or is it fair to want my friends to have some standards and hold to their agreements they made? -Jeremy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jpahmad Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Yes, you have a point. He is being a flake. You are giving him the opportunity to know he is being flake, so he should thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tarker12 Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 Well he didn't thank me, he told me to F*** off and that I was being a douche. I'm just confused because from my perspective all I did was call him on an error he made. I feel like he has a tumor and hes yelling at the doctor for telling him he has it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Songbirdo Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 For clarity: When you say: person A reminds person B that we are meeting up a day in advance Do you mean you rescheduled the "playdate" to Saturday instead of the originally agreed upon Sunday? Or do you mean that on Saturday Person A reminded Person B you all were meeting up the next day (Sunday)? Side question: For how long does this weekly get-together agreement hold? When does it cease? Marriage, kids, college graduation? Until you're all in your 80's? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBRFS Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 As Songbirdo implies, Person B is free to withdraw at any time. The only solution is to not invite him to further meetings. However, there is a delicate balance between explaining to him why his behavior is unacceptable, and just dumping him. Perhaps you can instead explain to him how it makes you feel when he doesn't follow through, and then if he shows no interest in how you are adversely affected, you will have your answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsayers Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Well he didn't thank me, he told me to F*** off and that I was being a douche. I thought you said this person was a friend? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wesley Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 However, there is a delicate balance between explaining to him why his behavior is unacceptable, and just dumping him. I don't think there is an obligation to tell someone why you don't want to see them anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tarker12 Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 For clarity: When you say: Do you mean you rescheduled the "playdate" to Saturday instead of the originally agreed upon Sunday? Or do you mean that on Saturday Person A reminded Person B you all were meeting up the next day (Sunday)? Side question: For how long does this weekly get-together agreement hold? When does it cease? Marriage, kids, college graduation? Until you're all in your 80's? We agreed to play a game every other sunday that we all enjoy. On saturday person A reminded B that were playing and if he needed a ride etc. Well hopefully not till 80 but my issue is he didnt withdraw from the event, he just planned over it as if thats ok to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fractional slacker Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Friend is one of thoe words easily tossed around but rarely gets an objective definition. Person B does not sound like a friend to me.You already knew or know this. But after this little incident, the truth can no longer be denied. Perhaps your pain and discomfort is realizing you mistook a person of low quality for being high quality? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBRFS Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 I don't think there is an obligation to tell someone why you don't want to see them anymore. I understand that, and I hope you know that I wasn't saying there was. However, if you care about the person, and there's a chance they are amenable to change, then it is in the best interest of all involved (and to some extent, society at large) to put in the extra effort that might nudge the person into greater understanding and better behavior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tarker12 Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 Friend is one of thoe words easily tossed around but rarely gets an objective definition. Person B does not sound like a friend to me.You already knew or know this. But after this little incident, the truth can no longer be denied. Perhaps your pain and discomfort is realizing you mistook a person of low quality for being high quality? Yea your right, I went to bed thinking I don't want this person in my life. If I made a mistake I would not think its fair to get mad at somone that says I made a mistake. By friend now I mean "Friend". I was just confused why he started name calling when I asked him if his words were meaningless because he did not keep to them. As Songbirdo implies, Person B is free to withdraw at any time. The only solution is to not invite him to further meetings. However, there is a delicate balance between explaining to him why his behavior is unacceptable, and just dumping him. Perhaps you can instead explain to him how it makes you feel when he doesn't follow through, and then if he shows no interest in how you are adversely affected, you will have your answer. As I just stated this wasnt a withdraw this was a "a better offer came along so crew my commitments this will be more fun, ill see you guys next sunday!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SamuelS Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Do I just have a stick in my butt or is it fair to want my friends to have some standards and hold to their agreements they made? I think it's absolutely fair to expect people to hold up their end of voluntary agreements they've made, and I think you were correct in seeing this as an empathy issue...clearly person B doesn't care what he agreed to, he's going to do what he wants to do. I wouldn't want a person like that in my circle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tarker12 Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 I think it's absolutely fair to expect people to hold up their end of voluntary agreements they've made, and I think you were correct in seeing this as an empathy issue...clearly person B doesn't care what he agreed to, he's going to do what he wants to do. I wouldn't want a person like that in my circle. I appriciate the input, hes trying to make me feel bad for calling him on his lack of concern for my good friend person A. It really sucks dealing with people like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prairie Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 I didn't see any mention of letting you know that he was canceling. That to me is an essential component: If you make a commitment with me, either keep it or let me know in advance that you have decided to break it. If you do neither, then you have some explaining to do or I will conclude that you aren't worth my time in the future. And obviously if you consistently make commitments and then break them (even if you let me know each time), you'll also have some explaining to do. Note that every situation here is entirely avoidable by the other person: they can either not make any commitments to me, or only make ones they intend on keeping, and in the occasional circumstance they need to break, let me know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Songbirdo Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 I understand the need commitment: sports team for an analogy - without the full team you simply cannot practice. The extremely short notice of his absence is definitely not preferable nor having the team's best interest in mind. Trying to establish the relative value he places on the team versus the event he attended instead. When did he know he would not be attending the game? What do you mean by "show"? A trade-show? Job fair? An entertainment event of some sort? Who was he attending it with? Example: If it was a job show where he could potentially triple his salary and work his dream job, I'd think it would be an important situation for him to give a rain check. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tarker12 Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 I understand the need commitment: sports team for an analogy - without the full team you simply cannot practice. The extremely short notice of his absence is definitely not preferable nor having the team's best interest in mind. Trying to establish the relative value he places on the team versus the event he attended instead. When did he know he would not be attending the game? What do you mean by "show"? A trade-show? Job fair? An entertainment event of some sort? Who was he attending it with? Example: If it was a job show where he could potentially triple his salary and work his dream job, I'd think it would be an important situation for him to give a rain check. He did not once mention that the show was important, whether family, job or anything else so I can only assume hes not mentioning it because it was not that important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Songbirdo Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 May be something to inquire with him rather than make the relationship-ending decision based on an assumption alone. It may be unfounded. Maybe he lied about his obligation altogether and it was important but didn't think he could tell you? Who knows? Does he have a history of being flaky? There is just too much we don't know about the situation, especially without the most important point of view: the offender's. What are his motives? Why did he blow up at you when he was confronted? etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tarker12 Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 May be something to inquire with him rather than make the relationship-ending decision based on an assumption alone. It may be unfounded. Maybe he lied about his obligation altogether and it was important but didn't think he could tell you? Who knows? Does he have a history of being flaky? There is just too much we don't know about the situation, especially without the most important point of view: the offender's. What are his motives? Why did he blow up at you when he was confronted? etc. Well if he lied then I dont think I want to be his friend anyway. He does have a history of being a flake, this is the 4th or 5th time he has done this, once to me awhile back. This was not one instance this is very repetitive. I think he blew up because perhaps he knew what he did was wrong. I'm confident if something really serious was going on on his end he would have mentioned it. He did not mention, "my sister's once a year preformance, or my dying mom, or my best friend in the world is doing a play" etc. He had no reason why that show was worth breaking his word. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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