First Post on the FDR board, could use some advice.

[LouisFermin91]

Hi, this is my first post on the board, and have been listening to FDR since Stef first did the Joe Rogan podcast back in September. I’ve gained a lot from it so far, but I think its been made clear to me that the road ahead is a life long ride so I’m strapped in but right now I’ve got a flat and a spare with no tire iron or jack.

 

I’m feeling very anxious as I’m writing this, and a little nervous. WHOO, here goes nothing…

My name is Louis, I’m 20 years old, currently living in northern San Diego, CA, USA. I moved here just 13 months ago from Staten Island, New York, where I was born and raised. I moved to California with my Mom, Stepdad, a mutual friend of theirs, and my girlfriend who had been living with me in my mom’s house for 2 years before the move. California was my mom and stepdad’s plan since I was little. He’s a screenplay writer so the move was a step so he can have more opportunities. Right before moving, my mom expressed she no longer felt in love with my step dad, who had been in my life since I was 3, and felt that it would not change. While making the move, we drove in an RV and currently live in it, they didn't sleep together, and upon arrival, she began sleeping in the same bed as the mutual friend. (I guess not so mutual). This drove my stepdad crazy, every night they slept in the same bed together 2 feet away from him. He expressed his discomfort and anger in this situation but it did not matter, after 2 months he had gotten his own place.

 

This stirred me up a lot, it still does. It was clear what was going to happen the whole time, just not explicitly , and until then I just didn’t want to except it. I expressed my sadness about the situation with my mother when she had approached me while my stepdad was away before he had moved out of the RV, with the option of my girlfriend and myself moving into an apartment with her and her new bedmate. That was when it was made explicitly clear to me that my stepdad and her were over and she was indeed going to be with this guy. Who I had known since I was about 5. Obviously the move with them did not take place. But when we had that interaction, I cried as I wanted to ask her how she could be so heartless, such a monster, so wrong, but I couldn't ask her that. I said I didn't want to just abandon my stepfather in the RV, especially where we are living is very far from anything. I can’t remember what I said but I tried to express how I felt, and I can only remember her yelling and tearing, “What about how I feel?!” I went silent, I didn't realize at the time but the whole interaction was all too familiar. 

She had said that she felt not in love with him for nearly 5 years, but didn't know it herself, and once she realized she did what she wanted to “feel happy” cause thats all she’s ever wanted, and yeah maybe it wasn't pretty but now she’s happy. She has since gotten a DUI and is without a license and probably the most miserable I’ve ever seen her. But I can never tell, she’s impossible to read, every time I see her I feel like she is mad at me, or she’s got something to say and just won’t. 

 

Thats one half, maybe the smaller half in my mind for now. But not irrelevant, as the big one is around my Bio-Dad. Before I moved out here, I worked with him doing construction for 2 years after I graduated high school. He knew my mom and step dad were moving but not that I was planning to go with them, I put off telling him for 6 months, and then a month before, I told him, with my girlfriend present. I could not initiate the conversation towards that topic, so we sat at the table awkwardly, until late when I gave the okay for my girlfriend to start. She went with “Mr.B, we have something we would like to talk with you about.” My heart was pounding the entire time, and I was fighting back sweat, and shaking. He took it okay. If it was what I wanted to do then he was happy, I suppose. It was all there but I didn't want to see it then, but I wanted so desperately to take this chance to move to California so I can get away from him. 

 

I see it now. All of it for what it is, abuse. My dad has always been a yeller, some would call it short-fuzed, others just an asshole. He's always been one for violence. He always told me stories of him getting into fights at school, or into trouble in school, and then my grandfather beating the shit out of him all the time; always with the caveat that he was BAD. My grandma would call it “Fresh”. I don't know who told me but I was once told that my dad once drowned kittens in a sewer. And boy oh boy does he love his beer. 

 

My parents married young, had me at 19(both of them), and separated when I was young, (about a year), but didn't get divorced until right before my mom remarried, some 7-8 years later. My mom had full custody of me but I always went back and forth until I was 16, then I stayed only at my mom’s. I’m my mother’s only child, but my dad, had a girl with a woman he was dating and proposed to, but turned him down, when I was 6. My sister’s mom was no longer living with us about 2 years later, and when I was 11 my dad introduced me to, lets call her Rita, a woman he once dated in high school and left for my mom. Rita had a son (9 at the time) from a man who ran out on her and denied paternity when she was 18. My dad moved them in with me and my sister about 2 months after the meeting, and married her all alone in Jamaica 4 months after that. They would go on to build a custom house together, and when I was 15 they had a baby girl, and my dad legally adapted her son, then when I was 17 they had another girl.

 

After Rita lost her job after having the first child, they started to struggle, so after the second child was born, they were looking to sell the house they just built. It sold and we moved the last of their stuff out of that house and into the new one, the morning before Hurricane Sandy hit Staten Island. 

 

My dad would sometimes brag about his power over us by saying things like ‘when me and my sister would start to get out of line all he had to do was look at us and we knew’. I have many vivid memories of my dad hitting my first little sister and beating our dog. I always remember there being a hole in the wall somewhere that my dad made with his fist, even before my sister was born. Before I moved and knew better, I know he was doing the same to my 2 youngest sisters, then 4 and 2. But I know it has been going on as since they were less than a year. This caused me look at my early childhood where there’s really not a lot of memory before 5-6, so I talked with my mom. She left him because of the way he is, with his temper,  so I asked about being spanked, she says he spanked me as early as 8 months old, but she insisted that she wasn't as worried about that as she was his verbal abuse, and rages. She admitted that she also spanked me but she said specifically 8 times. When I asked her, ‘You won in the legal system, 100%, why did you not take me away from him if you left because he was violent?’ Her response haunts me, “Well you really looked up to him at the time this was going on, and wanted to still see him, he was your dad, and when I grew up hating everyone who took me away from my parents, I just knew whatever I experienced I wanted to be opposite for you.” 

 

Now the older girl just turned 5 yesterday, and the other turned 3, 2 months before. And I know they are experiencing all the same kind of trauma that I have, living with my dad, they might have it worse considering the mother. I recently asked my oldest sister about how often has she seen my dad, hit, push, grab, slap, spank, or anything violent towards, either of the 2 youngest, her response was about twice a day. And I already know that the verbal aggression and abuse is constant. I also asked my stepbrother but in the context of, my sister says twice a day, would you agree? He said “at least from what I SEE.”  

 

I desperately want to confront my father on this issue but the fear level for me is so overwhelming. Ive spoken to him all of maybe 6 times in the year that I've been living in CA, but the last time, I tried to RTR him but couldn't speak it and I needed to get it out, so I texted him, explaining that I have fear around talking with him honestly and openly. Needless to say he didn't get it, but left with the good old, “You know I love you, when you're ready, I’ll be here.”

 

I know this is long, so to anyone who’s read this far, I am truly thankful, and if anyone can offer up any comments, questions, advise, or criticisms, would all be helpful here.  

 

I would also like to acknowledge that this post as my very first may come on as very strong, but that would be why it is so lengthy. 

 

Thank You anyone and everyone,

Louis

[Withanametocome]

[First -this is almost irrelevant, but I find it more appropriate to comment at the beginning than elsewhere-: I think you could have summarized your situation much more, and were it not your first message, I wouldn't have read the whole text. But I went all through it since first posters tend to have a very important reason to write, and you are no exception!]

 

I welcome and admire your compassion towards your siblings. With a past like yours, caring about two non-nubile human beings is a very rare gift.

 

Now, you don't parade that gift -in my opinion- in front of sadists like your father, because you are only telling him that you can still be hurt. Furthermore, none of that shit is of your making: you can accept the tremendous effort that solving the issue may take, of course, but I hope you know by now that you aren't more obliged to do so just because that man sticked it in your mother's pussy.

 

And, sadly, I cannot come up with easy solutions either... I don't even know the US law, but if you could demonstrate in court the abuse your sisters are suffering (you have at least one of them as witness and willing to talk, don't you?), could you get custody? I know this, if at all possible, will be super risky for the girls if the custody is not finally granted, so please speak to someone who knows more than me about it if you want to pursue that route.

 

Another possibility, less risky for the girls, would be to take them for a long vacation, and when the vacation is about to end, speak to your father more or less like 'I think they are both doing really well here! I haven't asked them yet, so I don't know if they will even want, but how do you think about them staying for a long period, like one academic year? I think it would be good for them to develop their social skills and bla bla bla...' This way, if your father rejects it, at least it won't necessarily have repercussions on your sisters.

 

That's all I can think for now. I wouldn't keep talking it 'openly' with your father, since he has just shown over and over that he's a sadist and will probably even get an extra kick of torturing their daughters if he knows that he's hurting you as well. As a feminist would say: don't empower him!

 

(Alternatively, you could just secuestrate your sisters and leave a punching bag as a replacement: the bugger won't notice it, I guess.)

 

And please lets us know what happens: I hate reading contemporary stories about fucked up chilhoods that should belong to the Cretacic (if not earlier), but it's within our reach to try and straighten some of them.

[LouisFermin91]

Well, first off, thank you for reading is all. I do realize its lengthy, before I posted it I contemplated keeping it short and sweet, and then awaiting questions to explain further, but I once I started writing it, it felt better to just open the flood gates. This is indeed very important to me, and it all seems relevant to me, even though it may not be. In the interest of people's time, are there any specific explanations you feel were not necessary? If so would you care to share them with me? Thank you again.

 

In the US, the law does not recognize his behavior towards us as illegal. I have pondered these thoughts before and I feel strong ambivalence around obligation that I feel for my siblings. The thought of taking custody of my sister's (if that's even possible) makes me feel like maybe I don't care to help them as much as I think I do. Like maybe the feeling of obligation to save them, doesn't come from any bond between us, but from my father, telling to watch out for my little sister and to protect her... I will have to explore this idea further. 

 

My dad won't even allow my older, 15 year old sister to come visit me by herself for a week, he surly will not send me them. Also Rita would absolute not allow it to happen, and she's the real boss in their relationship. They've gone on 2 vacations since I moved, neither of those holiday's were to come see me. Also I fear taking in my sister's to care for and raise, would be have a profound negative affect on my own life, at least I fear THAT over doing nothing because Im not obligated to. Like I said I'll need to explore further on my ambivalence about my siblings.

 

I also want to mention that upon reading "sadists like your father", I felt a strong wave of emotion, tough to describe but despair seems most accurate. I have definitely thought, 'is my father really a sadist?' many times while listening to podcasts but reading it as someone else's thought strongly suggests a confirmation. 

 

I feel like my options here, are real slim considering I shouldn't try to be open with my father. What about being curious and asking questions about him in effort to illuminate some of this, or is that the same thing as trying to explain my own feelings, since my agenda doesn't really change? I just can't see which will be worse for me in the long run, taking on the massive responsibility of saving my sisters, or just letting go completely since its out of my control and had no part in the creation of it. 

 

Please do let me know what you think, your response did help me understand some more about myself. And of course I do look forward to understanding more, so any and all feedback is greatly appreciated. This is all too common in the world and I'm sick of it, that's why I'm here. 

 

Just want to add that upon reading this back to myself, I see how I could have addressed more of this specifically, rather than all the background info. I think I was trying to mix something like this with an introduction of myself. Needless to say, even though I'm gonna say it anyway so that's pointless, I just ran with it and perhaps got carried away.

 

Thank you.

[Withanametocome]

In the interest of people's time, are there any specific explanations you feel were not necessary? If so would you care to share them with me? Thank you again.

 

My take would have been something like: [sUBJECT] is [OBJECT], how could I help? Of course, if you want me to expand on any specific issue, I will gladly do so.

 

It seemed to me, as you confirmed in your last message, that you don't normally talk about these things and you hadn't yet mapped the whole situation, and I tell ya bro, it was bugging me all the way through because you mentioned you had a girlfriend, didn't you? I don't remotely think you can pull this one out (ie, saving the girls from abuse) if you don't have an adamantium-solid support structure behind you, girlfriend and all. But I guess you already agree with me on that one, since you came here in search of help

 

I also want to mention that upon reading "sadists like your father", I felt a strong wave of emotion, tough to describe but despair seems most accurate. I have definitely thought, 'is my father really a sadist?' many times while listening to podcasts but reading it as someone else's thought strongly suggests a confirmation.

 

He's not just rednecky. "You know I love you, when you're ready, I’ll be here" is abuse at a Ph.D. level, because he knows you don't currently have the courage to speak your mind in front of him and that you aren't getting yourself 'ready'. (And why does he know that? Because you are still talking to him as if he didn't hit his daughters.)

 

 

What about being curious and asking questions about him in effort to illuminate some of this, or is that the same thing as trying to explain my own feelings, since my agenda doesn't really change?

 

Do you have a 'HMTD', (a 'Happy Moment of the Day')? Like getting back home, putting the slippers on and begin telling your girlfriend what's happened at work? Or massaging your head like a boss while you are shampooing it under hot water? Well, your father has a HMTD too: the moment in which he tortures his two underage daughters, and he will fucking fight for that Satan-given right beyond any reason you want to bring to him.

 

 

I just can't see which will be worse for me in the long run, taking on the massive responsibility of saving my sisters, or just letting go completely since its out of my control and had no part in the creation of it.

 

If you are planning to get your sisters it will be, I guess, to show them (clear as nipples in a wet-t-shirt party) how parenting it's meant to be done. If you are planning on doing all this out of bad conscience (ie, the bad conscience your father inflicted on you, which he to this day enjoys), I can't ensure you any satisfaction for the ordeal. Would you try to do all that if the girls weren't your sisters? I think it of the utmost importance for you to be sincere with that.

 

Lastly, and since you have properly addressed (ie, killed) my former suggestions, the only thing I can come up with is: do Rita and Rotten (he's called like that, isn't he?) latch on to SOMETHING? Do they have any ideals that could be used to -at least- improve your daughter's livelihood if presented in a certain manner? (Like making a case AGAINST spanking based on the teachings of Jesus... I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes beasts are stopped with a whistle.) Do they have any living idols or role models?

 

If that wasn't the case, I don't think everything is lost forever: even if no alternatives popped up now, when the girls are older you will have many more possibilities.

 

Fare well my friend!