Journaling problems

[aFireInside]

Ive been journaling and I keep having this problem. 

Maybe some of you also have this and could share some insights. 

 

When I'm writing i keep feeling compelled to write for others instead of for me. 

So im writing my experience so others could understand it. 

 

I keep catching myself and saying this is only for you Ivan ! Not for anyone else 

so feel conferrable. 

Sometimes a few days pass and i keep drifting back into the old habit. 

 

 

Its like I write as if there is someone watching over me reading what i write. 

Im having trouble with this and its making me not want to journal because sometimes 

I go back and i could see how i wasn't being honest or 100 percent genuine. 

 

[TheRobin]

Have you tried journaling about why you (want) do that?

[Kevin Beal]

You could break all the rules, like writing in all the margins, writing sideways, doing a journal that is told completely through drawings. Whatever feels constraining, break it! A journaling revolution!

 

It sounds to me like journaling has to be a particular way for you, and in a way that doesn't feel your own, so an exercise like the above could potentially help illuminate where those boundaries are.

 

I like to do this art approach where I draw whatever I don't think will look good. I imagine that a circle would go good in the corner so I draw a star instead like that circle exploded. I think the experience itself is sort of therapeutic, like trying new things or exercising muscles I didn't know I had.

[alincita]

What it has been helpful for me is to make notes along the day instead of doing a single entry in the journal.

I find difficult to sit and think what I am going to write because there is a tendency of altering my perception when writting it down. As you said, trying to make it clear for others or trying to convience myself of preconceptions set up by people who is around me.

Also, I do try to do it outside my home because it changes the incoming stimuli, and I do pen and paper. E-journaling for me doesn't work since I'm not by my computer all day and does't look as personalized  since is not my handwriting.

 Just try with little notes as the day goes by and revise at the end of the day if it woked for you.

[Three]

That's interesting. What you're talking about happens to me too. Did you go to a public school where you constantly had teachers look over you to see your work? I remember that in elementary school a lot of our work would not only be taken up and graded but posted up out in the hallways with our names on it so everyone could see! These were mainly artsy stuff, but I think I recall even writings being put up as well. Either in the hallway or on the class room walls. So, it would make sense after doing that so much that maybe it became a habit to keep an audience in mind. Also, I don't think I was ever asked , "how do you think about your work?". It was always somebody else's standards imposed on me. I could never just try my best and feel good about that. Everything had to be excellent. I couldn't just jam on bass and have fun playing a riff that sounds like 12 other songs. I had to play things that were "original.", which made things very stressful when the standards are so high.So,  it's like I imagine someone behind me saying "that's really good. That's very well written." Maybe, I'm trying to impress somebody still and that person was originally a parent. I dunno. But, what's depressing about having narccissitic parents is that the focus becomes pointed towards them. This happens because the bond is so weak you have to do anything to please them. What we should be encouraged to do was to develop our own standards and to go out in the world. Not stop looking towards the world and focusing on the parent.just some thoughts!

[aFireInside]

Have you tried journaling about why you (want) do that?

 

 

No  

I thought about it allot,  i have a theory. 

You could break all the rules, like writing in all the margins, writing sideways, doing a journal that is told completely through drawings. Whatever feels constraining, break it! A journaling revolution!

 

 

 

Thanks, Im going to try the drawing, i journal on my iPad and laptop maybe that is constraining. 

But I'm going to start a new notebook journal and add drawings 

 

Thanks for the reply  

What it has been helpful for me is to make notes along the day instead of doing a single entry in the journal.

I find difficult to sit and think what I am going to write because there is a tendency of altering my perception when writting it down. As you said, trying to make it clear for others or trying to convience myself of preconceptions set up by people who is around me.

Also, I do try to do it outside my home because it changes the incoming stimuli, and I do pen and paper. E-journaling for me doesn't work since I'm not by my computer all day and does't look as personalized  since is not my handwriting.

 Just try with little notes as the day goes by and revise at the end of the day if it woked for you.

 

I actually thought about that I think you are correct about my environment i need to get away ! 

I feel paralyzed sometimes, joint to a Starbucks or a park is hard. 

 

Also i feel like taking notes throughout the day is smarter because you get to write down things in the moment 

you don't really have to think hard about what to write since its not to far away. 

[philsau]

I have some trouble in my journalling routine with writing spontaneously what comes to me- I tend to "compose" too much. Maybe because I believe on some level other people are going to find my pages- what if I died suddenly and had it lying around? So I tend to write to to represent myself in the best way to possible readers.

 

I'm getting better at it admittedly- free associating, doodling and destroying the pages (I write on loose foolescaps and store in a binder) after I've written 100. This helps to increase my confidence that no one's going to come along and be able to read the inside of my head with its pants down.

 

I'm not at all sentimental about destroying them- the real gold of journalling is not the valueless detritus in ones brain that keeps getting in the way of the true self, it is the subtle changes in ones thought processes which journalling brings about over time.

[Horseradish]

Hey Ivan, I had a couple thoughts that might help. The first is that if you find yourself writing for others, write that too. Like if you are midsentence, maybe just stop the sentence and write a dash and write "Whoa I just realized I am writing for other people". Or if you don't notice while you are doing it, but you notice while reading it, write about that, or write notes in the margins. I put the date on all my journals, and sometimes I write in the sides and put a date there too. For example: April 20th - While I'm reading through this I'm noticing that I'm writing for other people, I wonder why I was doing that?". And I would also say don't judge yourself when you find you are writing for an audience, just be curious about it.

 

The other thought I had was to have another notebook where you do write for other people, even if you don't plan to actually publish it or anything, but maybe there is something that draws you to writing like that? You do youtube videos, so maybe there is a part of you that enjoys writing for other people, and it might be helpful to have two separate journals, one just for you and one for an audience.

[MeGrownMind]

That's interesting. What you're talking about happens to me too. Did you go to a public school where you constantly had teachers look over you to see your work? I remember that in elementary school a lot of our work would not only be taken up and graded but posted up out in the hallways with our names on it so everyone could see! These were mainly artsy stuff, but I think I recall even writings being put up as well. Either in the hallway or on the class room walls. So, it would make sense after doing that so much that maybe it became a habit to keep an audience in mind. Also, I don't think I was ever asked , "how do you think about your work?". It was always somebody else's standards imposed on me. I could never just try my best and feel good about that. Everything had to be excellent. I couldn't just jam on bass and have fun playing a riff that sounds like 12 other songs. I had to play things that were "original.", which made things very stressful when the standards are so high.So,  it's like I imagine someone behind me saying "that's really good. That's very well written." Maybe, I'm trying to impress somebody still and that person was originally a parent. I dunno. But, what's depressing about having narccissitic parents is that the focus becomes pointed towards them. This happens because the bond is so weak you have to do anything to please them. What we should be encouraged to do was to develop our own standards and to go out in the world. Not stop looking towards the world and focusing on the parent.just some thoughts!

The association with public school is interesting. In China there is little enthusiasm for reading/writing, and while I was there I asked one of my Chinese friends why this is the case. He said that in elementary school it's a universal requirement to keep and maintain a journal. This journal was to be read and graded by the teachers. Throughout his years there he saw the journal as simply homework -- busy work, a means to a good grade. The act of writing for one's own sake is a concept quickly alienated from the minds of Chinese students.

 

I don't think writing for an audience is a bad thing, as long as that audience, real or imagined, is an audience worth writing to. There is of course the omnipresent audience inside my head, but sometimes I'll switch it up and write to my future wife, who I will show these to one day. Sometimes I write as if it's a letter to Stefan.

[Three]

A thought just occurred to me. A part of me just yelled out, "FREEDOM! Write however you want to, however is productive and fun for you."So, maybe the part of you that says, "it's a problem as if you journal for other people", is a parent or other authority figure speaking that you've internalized?I wonder why that part thinks it's a problem?

[MysterionMuffles]

Here's an interesting interview about journalling Steven Summerstone conducted with his partner Courtney.

 

[tjt]

Maybe it's because someone actually is watching you... not literally of course! But figuratively. Sometimes I pay very close attention to my thoughts and realize they are not actually mine, they are my perfectionistic father's or my coddling mother's or my grandma's (who makes excuses for everyone). Or I pay very close attention to my behaviors and realize I'm behaving in a way that someone else would prefer rather than the way that I actually want to.

 

If you are writing and being critical of yourself in the act of writing or lying about reality, maybe it is someone else's thoughts and opinions that have been instilled in you and are driving you. Maybe this is all a little crazy, I don't know I'm just spit balling.

 

If this is the case, find out who it is that you are trying to please with your writing. Does the person change? And why is it that you want to please them?

 

I tend to write in great detail as if I'm describing a situation to other people... but I don't have a problem with this because it really helps me analyze the situation and pick up on details that I normally wouldn't have if I were writing in short hand. It's also rewarding when I revisit an old journal entry that is vivid.

[Aaron727]

I know the feeling. When I was going to therapy the guy wanted me to keep a journal and every session he would read it and then keep the pages. I hated it. I can only journal if its just for me.

[MysterionMuffles]

Maybe it's because someone actually is watching you... not literally of course! But figuratively. Sometimes I pay very close attention to my thoughts and realize they are not actually mine, they are my perfectionistic father's or my coddling mother's or my grandma's (who makes excuses for everyone). Or I pay very close attention to my behaviors and realize I'm behaving in a way that someone else would prefer rather than the way that I actually want to.

 

If you are writing and being critical of yourself in the act of writing or lying about reality, maybe it is someone else's thoughts and opinions that have been instilled in you and are driving you. Maybe this is all a little crazy, I don't know I'm just spit balling.

 

If this is the case, find out who it is that you are trying to please with your writing. Does the person change? And why is it that you want to please them?

 

I tend to write in great detail as if I'm describing a situation to other people... but I don't have a problem with this because it really helps me analyze the situation and pick up on details that I normally wouldn't have if I were writing in short hand. It's also rewarding when I revisit an old journal entry that is vivid.

 

You bring a valid point. Are you familiar with IFS Therapy or the idea of the Mecosystem? Those are sub personalities we've adapted from people in our lives that we internalized in our psyches. It's interesting you said all this because when you are objectively writing about yourself and your life, there are people in your head that represent figments of people in your life who may not benefit when you know the truth about your history. Good call man!

I know the feeling. When I was going to therapy the guy wanted me to keep a journal and every session he would read it and then keep the pages. I hated it. I can only journal if its just for me.

 

I thought your journal entries are meant to be private from the therapist? Doesn't that go against their protocol?

[tjt]

You bring a valid point. Are you familiar with IFS Therapy or the idea of the Mecosystem? Those are sub personalities we've adapted from people in our lives that we internalized in our psyches. It's interesting you said all this because when you are objectively writing about yourself and your life, there are people in your head that represent figments of people in your life who may not benefit when you know the truth about your history. Good call man!

 

Thanks! I am not familiar with IFS, only aware of it. My thoughts come from my knowledge of the false self. I gained this insight from reading "Bradshaw on: The Family" by John Bradshaw... in it he talks about a little boy/girl who's only concept of himself is that of how other people see him. And all of the people around him see him as who they want him to be, not who he actually is.

 

I don't know if I've summarized that very well, but it's a good read (haven't finished it yet, but I still recommend it... if you don't mind only a few random references to a higher power--it's so minimal that it was easy for me to read past that nonsense--a majority of the content is valuable.) Of course, Stefan Molyneux also addresses the false self and does a good job of it, too!

 

Haha, I thought I'd eventually sound schizophrenic to you guys, but I'm glad there's a theory supporting "voices" in our heads and you know what I'm talking about!