Breaking from parents, how to make them accept it and leave me alone...

[giancoli]

My mother keeps contacting me, she just wont accept that I want to be alone.

 

How do I stop her from sending me messages. I know I can block her out, and I have done so by blocking her sms cause that was an option from my phone company.

Now she sends me emails...

Off course I can just block them as well, but..

I'm afraid she will just suddenly show up outside my apartment or call the police and make all kinds of drama and trouble.

She will just say that she is worried of me and that she really want the best for me etc.

But she simply wont accept that I wont nothing to do with my family anymore.

My father has never really cared to contact me anyways, so the problem is with my mum.

 

Damn.

What do you other guys do? How do you really make the final break that makes them leave you alone and accept your decision?

 

I'm so frustrated. I know my mother will use ANY tool necessary. She has tried using bribery, crying and making me feel guilty, using extended family as threat (we are so worried about you etc.) Damn I'm scared of her. I know behind all those masks she puts on there is a completely selfish self righteous woman not giving a shit about anyone but her self...

 

Maybe I need to go to the police or something to make her understand? All she understands ultimately is power.

[Wesley]

I am not sure of the specifics of laws in your area or whether it can be done. However, you may be able to tell your parents that they must stop contacting you and that if they continue to contact you, you will pursue legal action of a restraining order for harassment and prior abuse.

 

If it escalates to that level, she will be far more guaranteed to never hear from you again than if she just stops and waits for you to contact her, if and when you desire to.

 

At least that would be my strategy.

[giancoli]

I am not sure of the specifics of laws in your area or whether it can be done. However, you may be able to tell your parents that they must stop contacting you and that if they continue to contact you, you will pursue legal action of a restraining order for harassment and prior abuse.

 

If it escalates to that level, she will be far more guaranteed to never hear from you again than if she just stops and waits for you to contact her, if and when you desire to.

 

At least that would be my strategy.

 

It just seems so dramatic and unnecessary it makes me feel like I'm the bad guy. My mother is not violent, just very manipulative.

She just wrote that it would affect her tremendously and leave her in grief. I can't help to feel guilty. I guess she knows that's all she got on me to pull me in...

What a nightmare to be forced to be with someone just based on guilt and obligation.

 

Since I don't pick up my phone any more, I got all her communication on text. Also I can think as long as I want before I reply. Also she can't communicate emotions with tone of voice crying etc.

It makes it easier. Wish I did this earlier, damn I should have left the house at sixteen and never looked back.

 

Got to be honest I really need some support on this to keep my morals in the right place. My old mind tells me I'm the selfish asshole here, it is still a fight. I really appreciate the fast reply.

I'm completely alone, not that it is a problem I'm used t that. But it's a difficult choice to make. The choice has already been made though, I'm just telling them now.

I stopped picking up the phone ten years ago, and we have only superficially been communicating, still when I tell her this she is getting really upset. I'm pretty sure she wont accept it.

[Wesley]

My thought is that the "more drama" would be letting this continue at this rate with the fear of her being in contact with you or show up where you live or something. Ending the drama would be coming up with a way that she won't be able to every contact you again.

 

Feel free to correct me if I am wrong.

 

I am very sorry that you have to go through this. It is not something that anyone should have to face.

[giancoli]

My thought is that the "more drama" would be letting this continue at this rate with the fear of her being in contact with you or show up where you live or something. Ending the drama would be coming up with a way that she won't be able to every contact you again.

 

Feel free to correct me if I am wrong.

 

I am very sorry that you have to go through this. It is not something that anyone should have to face.

I knew this was going to happen, that's why I up to now have just tuned out and responded to her messages shortly not revealing my desire to break all contact.

I'll post her messages (translated) here if she gets manipulative. I might have some mild form of aspergers so I'm very bad at detecting manipulation and emotional tactics.

Weird how I had to figure out my aspergers on my own huh, nowbody seemed to notice nor care when I grew up, that's another story.

This is her last message. Nothing special or insightful, but I post it anyway:

 

Your choices are fine for the whole family. Do not need to understand it. But you are so hateful and angry. I do not understand.! And it is painful and difficult to accept. Wish it was not necessary. Squeeze my mom (who is very fond of you)

[Wesley]

If it is difficult for her to accept, then that is for her to deal with. She does not need to keep contacting you to offload her anxieties about someone being angry with her.

[giancoli]

If it is difficult for her to accept, then that is for her to deal with. She does not need to keep contacting you to offload her anxieties about someone being angry with her.

I'm not particularly angry any more, just don't want to deal with her. The angryness is something that she is interpreting or inventing. If she's inventing it then it is manipulation.

I have gone through all the stages now, angry, sad, relieved. I guess I'm just a little scared now that she somehow will be able to force the relationship to continue somehow.

 

I know she will gossip to my whole family, extended included. They will invent stories on how this is my downfall and that it is a result on my failings and my delusions. I have already thought about this off course and frankly I don't care. I have been invisible to them all these years, now I'm finally making it official that I'm leaving, although I left ten years ago. Now they suddenly care and will talk to me/about me. Fuck them all!

 

I guess I have to try to see it from her perspective, this is new to her, although if she was remotely realistic she would know there wasn't anything to begin with,

I guess she took for granted I would do as most children do when they grow up..meet up at family invitations and pick up the phone every time she calls me. She has not reflected on that this "relationship" like any is voluntarily, with this taken for granted it surprises her a lot I guess.

Alternatively she's trying to make me feel guilty, if that is the case it doesn't work. I know her true colors. She can try to desperately repaint her metaphorical picture, but that is too late now, the self interest in that is too obvious to ignore... even I don't fall for this.

It's quite devastating to realize all relationships for the most part are deceptions and power plays. The feminine way to control is quite foreign to me, non intuitive.

 

I have just moved, and she doesn't know my adress. I have applied to change my name, but have not gotten any response yet. If I get a new name I will then change my adress officially. That way she can't find my adress. I guess she could contact my old place..but I didn't tell them either, only approximately where I live. She is the kind of person that would just show up without warning if she figures out where I live, then negotiate with the woman I renting my apartment towards. She will be polite as long as she thinks it will work, her nastiness will come out when she understands that it doesn't. I know this and it came out in our last phone call a little. I could hear her sharp tone of voice, when she cried and I told her that it didn't work on me. She immediately stopped crying, like a switch and the sharp angry voice came out like a beast underneath...pretty scary

 

I was somewhat tempted to try to explain my point of view, give her links to videos on youtube etc. But that would imply that I care want she thinks and that she can negotiate with me and it will all be fine. I am 100% sure that I don't want to see any of them again. I guess it is still painful, but removing that pain temporarily with the following misery...I don't want to go that path.

This is it, there's no going back. The little that was there..the illusion...is now gone.

[JamesP]

When your mother contacts you, do you engage her or ignore her?

 

My mother was pretty brutal in her manipulations when she contacted me. I did not engage with her but instead turned to my support system to deal with the emotions that came up.

 

Manipulation is passive-aggressive. Just because she's not overtly violent does not mean you shouldn't treat it as a violation.

 

I'm not saying what you should do, of course. But I think it's something to think about.

[giancoli]

When your mother contacts you, do you engage her or ignore her?

 

My mother was pretty brutal in her manipulations when she contacted me. I did not engage with her but instead turned to my support system to deal with the emotions that came up.

 

Manipulation is passive-aggressive. Just because she's not overtly violent does not mean you shouldn't treat it as a violation.

 

I'm not saying what you should do, of course. But I think it's something to think about.

It has been a long period now where I have simply not picked up the phone. She kept sanding me text messages, I then blocked her, the messages doesn't show up on my phone, but they automatically goes to my email. I been having lots of phone calls from an unlisted number, probably my mum (it's incredible how stupid she thinks I am).

Today she sent me a message implying that she thought I was, if not suicidal well completely down. She needed me to respond to her and tell that everything was fine.

This is the state of affairs now, she wants me to report to her that I'm okay at all times. I don't want anything to do with her and I'm planning to never see any of my family again, it seems unreasonable that I should keep telling them that I'm fine, when this is my wish. They have had plenty of time being caring when I was depressed to the point of being suicidal several years ago. None of them seemed to care beyond very superficial stuff to not appear as a complete assholes. Why would I bother to be around people and telling them I'm fine, which I am, when they only want me to hang around as an accessory to smile on family photos and family gatherings. If I tell them this and they change it wont be the same cause this should be obvious, now they know I can leave so behavior changes after that is out off force and not genuine care...

 

By the way the reason I answered her now is that I'm scared she would use the government or something to track me down and make sure everything is fine. I don't want all the drama and attention of that. I just want to be left alone....

 

I almost wish my parents would divorce so she doesn't have them as tools....Also it would become apparent to her that we are just people, individuals, the illusion of unity would disappear to her.

I'm pretty sure she operates on the basis as the family as a group with a common goal where each should sacrifice for the common good. I didn't sign up for that.

 

By the way how long is it since you brake contact and how long did it take before they accepted it and left you alone. What was the messages like from your mother? You say she was brutal, in what way? How are you doing now? Do you think about this alot or have you been able to move on? Do you feel guilty? How does people react when you tell them? Do you sometimes get scared you will crawl back to them on your knees because you are unable to take care of you self for some reason?

[giancoli]

I found this video helpful. I need to keep strong on this.

[MMX2010]

My best friend divorced her husband, who was making her crazy. 

 

Long after the divorce, he would still email her. 

 

She and I agreed that she would automatically forward those messages to me, and I would relate to her only the most-important, business-related information to her. 

 

So a crazy, seven-page story would be reduced to, "He needs you to mail document X to the lawyer by Friday." 

[giancoli]

My best friend divorced her husband, who was making her crazy. 

 

Long after the divorce, he would still email her. 

 

She and I agreed that she would automatically forward those messages to me, and I would relate to her only the most-important, business-related information to her. 

 

So a crazy, seven-page story would be reduced to, "He needs you to mail document X to the lawyer by Friday." 

hmm, luckily my mother has no information that I need. She has nothing I need at all. So that wont be a problem.

Thanks for sharing the story.

[RyanT]

I’m in the same boat mate, I started ignoring her calls/texts shortly after the new year and by February she twigged that I probably wasn’t 'just busy' and confronted me (well used my sister to do the dirty work). So I explained just how I felt and that I couldn’t go on pretending.

 

I’d been expecting some big outpouring of emotion, but instead she simply said,

‘I don’t know what more I can do, I try so hard’,

which for me pretty much summed it up….

 

So far I’ve had 2 very mushy texts about how, ‘I’ll always be her son’ and ‘she’ll always love me’,

Family members told how ‘bad’ she feels that she can’t help me out financially..

 

Other than that though it’s (so far) been relatively stress free

 

Indeed it’s led me to wonder if it’s not largely our fantasy that our parents will be completely fixated,

deploying all means fair and fowl to bring us back close to them...

 

….Rather than occasionally ‘fishing’ like some bored lonely ex. 

[giancoli]

Got another mail from my mother:

 

Hello giancoli! I do not know how to look at this request. But'm a bit without options ..... Wants to talk to you about what you think .... I do not think things are getting better for you by itself ... We want you all well and think the current situation is very hard .... think you've been left alone long enough .... You have many people who love you and hope you will talk to your family again. We miss you and hope you also want a change .... Mom

 

I replied with this one:

I'm fine and have not changed my mind. This feels right for me. As you can see, it is YOU who needs to talk to me not vice versa. You are not entitled to anything. Stop typing "we want you all well blah blah". 

You reap what you sow so it is. To bring in how much everyone loves me has no effect on me. 

 

If you have anything else you want to say you have to send me more mails. Do not want to talk to you by phone, I like to think carefully about what you say and what I answer, and not be influenced by the tone of your voice. Nice to have what you say in black and white ... 

 

Please leave me alone and do not play on my conscience, and more. You say you want me all that well, words are very cheap, show it by respecting my choice and my freedom; leave me alone!

 

the mails are translated off course, cause I'm not English. I used google translate and I can see that it looks a bit weird, not proper form.

 

If Stefan Molyneux reads this I would really appreciate ANY advice that would help me in this. I'm 100% sure this is the right choice for me (never see my parents again), but my mother refuses to accept it.

She has kept silent for some time now, but now she on with it again, playing on my guilt or whatever trick she can come up with. I'm pretty sure I have aspergers so I'm very bad with social skills and emotions. I need help to translate this. What exactly is she trying to do. My mother is very dishonest and manipulative, that I know for sure.

[Kevin Beal]

I think that if you're certain, the best option is to automatically mark them as read and archive them (if not auto-delete). All these exchanges are going to serve to do is to trigger you. And I don't think you want continue to get triggered after you've stopped associating with your parents. That would sort of defeat the point, I think.

 

That is just my opinion.

 

I would attempt a translation, except I think a lot is lost in the literal language translation. So much of people's passive aggression is in the subtle phrasings they use and choice of words. And we kinda lose that running it thru google translate.

 

I'm curious though. Why did you respond at all?

[MMX2010]

Giancoli, have you read the last 15% of Real-Time Relationships, specifically the part about "parents only want you to respond to their conclusions, so they can drag you into a long-winded debate about the validity / invalidity of your conclusions"? 

[giancoli]

Thanks for the replies guys. I played a little in photoshop and decided I might as well use a photo of stef, below is the result.

And yes I have reas real time relationship. Very useful to remember the stories we tell and construct that gives someone a better

moral position than others. Why did I respond at all? Well frankly I'm scared she might show up on my doorstep, or create some kind of scene.

 

 

 

[MMX2010]

Why did I respond at all? Well frankly I'm scared she might show up on my doorstep, or create some kind of scene.

 

I'm not sure how, "Please leave me alone and do not play on my conscience, and more. You say you want me all that well, words are very cheap, show it by respecting my choice and my freedom; leave me alone!" is going to "make" your mother trust you enough to not show up on your doorstep. 

 

Have you heard the two gold podcasts entitled "Bad Family Voodoo"? 

[giancoli]

I'm not sure how, "Please leave me alone and do not play on my conscience, and more. You say you want me all that well, words are very cheap, show it by respecting my choice and my freedom; leave me alone!" is going to "make" your mother trust you enough to not show up on your doorstep. 

 

Have you heard the two gold podcasts entitled "Bad Family Voodoo"? 

could you elaborate on this? what is bad with what I wrote and why.

Not sure I have listened to that podcast, I'll check it out.

oh, yeah. I I listened to those podcasts.Not sure there was something I missed or have forgotten which, if I did not miss or forget would result in a different formulation on that email?

[MMX2010]

could you elaborate on this? what is bad with what I wrote and why.

 

I am assuming, based on my own mother, that your email would be interpreted as "He's sad, he's angry, he needs me."  I know that isn't much of an argument, so I'm sorry if that doesn't apply to your situation. 

 

As far as the podcast went, Stef did introduce the idea of "Leave your inbox open, so they can send you emails, instead of knocking on your door."  So I suggested it hoping it would help. 

 

Edited to add: Do you think "Happy Independence" would be better?  Something like, "I'm so glad to be here; love the people I'm with, and don't think I need anyone else in my life right now." 

[giancoli]

So my fears have come true....

My mother just sent me a mail, she's coming to my town tomorrow. Her mission is obvious, she's ignoring the fact that I have told her I want nothing to do with her.

 

What should I do? Luckily I have just moved, and I have not changed my address officially. She doesn't know the address...

She will try to find me off course, but how can she do that? I am thinking about leaving town for a couple of days just to make sure we don't meet.

She's so disrespectful off me, just ignores my wish for not meeting her. Truth is now obvious I'm scared of her, that's all, no love whatsoever.

[Wiltin]

Unless you feel physically threatened, you are probably best to confront her, if not in person then at least in the phone. Just avoiding her won't send a clear enough message, and you won't properly deal with the situation in your own mind. Text messages are too easy and impersonal. If you don't feel like you can take control of the conversation on your own, maybe have a support person with you. Just my thoughts based on what you've said.

[TheMatrixHasMe]

Difficult situation, for sure.

 

Try not to react.

 

Be kind to yourself.

 

Breath, and try to relax.

 

Taking a walk might help discharge, or lessen some of what you might be experiening.

 

She will eventually get the message and go away.

 

The strong thoughts and emotions you are experiencing are probably more aligned to what your "inner mom" is feeling, than what you are feeling, if that makes any sense?. 

 

 

Is this useful for you?

[Chompey-CZ]

I am so with you.

 

What helped in my case finally, was that I used same weapon my mom was using against me.

 

I've send her letter where I simply and honestly described what I think of her as a person and her life choices.

I was NOT trying to be harsh or mean, I just wrote down what I was thinking about her.

She got offended by it and that was it. She never contacted me again.

Because in her mind it was my job to come to her and apologize for my disrespect.

Job well done!

 

I knew I'd be feeling bad about it (hurting mother's feelings), but I've been "inappropriate" son already!

Feeling guilty and insufficient after every interaction with her.

 

How can it go worse?

 

So I felt about it like ripping off bad tooth, causing you constant pain, but just just below the level that will force to go to the clinic - as you are scared of more intense but short pain doctor will cause you, you are rather accepting lower but constant pain as part of your life.

 

I knew I'd feel really bad about how horrible son I am to my mother (which is nonsense, of course, because I was just about to be honest same way she was honesty with me),

but in long term I got rid of pain from constant nagging and judging and whatnot, which was really poisoning my life.

 

I must admit I felt cornered - it was like me or her.

 

So this is my experience.

It happened more than 6 years ago.

I didn't know FDR and RTR back then - nowadays I'd try RTR approach first.

 

Hope this makes sense (I am not English native speaker)

Best wishes, Jan