FRIGHTEN ABOUT VISITORS

[alincita]

I live away from my family. I moved to USA 7 years ago with the initial intention of learning English, but with the determination of getting away from a destructive environment that I was in.

I have a Turkish husband, who had a couple of confrontations with my father whenever we spend vacations together. I usually freeze in these situations, a mental paralysis that really undermines my individuality.

Tomorrow my brother is coming to visit along with the wife and I'm getting extremely uneasy.

There was arguments back-and-forth regarding how he planned his timing, and to my surprise, i came as a secondary priority. We had to cancel a reservation in Las Vegas because his priority was spending time with extended family.

With my extended family there is a HUGE history of abuse, physical, verbal, and psychological, my parents never intervened and mostly coerced me to interact with them. I avoid them as much as I can bear the pressure from my parents to see them. The worst part is that they claim loyalty and care to me, when I have experienced nothing of that nature. My marriage was involved in a monetary gamble where I supposed to fail so they could get paid by the few that believed in me.

My husband just tells me to go with the flow, or ignore them, but the truth is that interacting with them irritates me and changes my state of mind.

I've been thinking hypothetical of confrontations, but I doubt I could do any of that.

I'm going to therapy and it has been helpful to hear that I’m not "nuts" and I don’t have to deal with them but I'd like to assert myself to avoid passive aggressiveness and texts telling me I'm not part of the tribe(like if I wanted to be in it...)

I want to be let alone to make my own life... How do I frame it to avoid getting catch in their ill-interactions.

I'll appreciate the input.

[dsayers]

One of the unfortunate side effects of our world full of propaganda is that there's this myth flying around that honesty is virtuous, necessary, noble, etc. But your honesty is like any other property of yours in that nobody is entitled to it that you don't voluntarily share it with.

 

How do I frame it to avoid getting catch in their ill-interactions.

 

It sounds as if you will be emotionally and/or psychologically harmed if you were honest. So I would recommend simply not being forthcoming about this information. If your contact is intermittent, it might be easier to deal with the effects of them not knowing of your decision. Of course I'm only going by what you're describing; If I'm way off base or misunderstood, I apologize.

 

The important thing is that whatever you decide, you are aware of your decision and WHY you made it. If you don't, then you may just feel as tortured by not telling them. Which could be an indication of them being residual in you, torturing you for not being honest. Abusers isolate their victims to enhance their ability to abuse and continue abuse. Such as telling them to always be honest while themselves not being honest (such as in not actually caring about you enough to give your experiences validity).

 

Does that make sense? I'm really sorry you've been placed in a situation where you have to make such difficult decisions. Lean on this community for any help you might need.

[aFireInside]

 

 

I read the whole thing and I want to say that I really feel you even though I'm not in that situation. 

 

Its a really hard one because you don't really want to interact with your brother but its also hard to reject him. 

It seems like he is bullying you with the fact that you don't want to reject him. 

    Also one thing that i want to point out from the text i don't know exactly all the details but I have to ask why can't you tell your brother no or why can't your husband tell your brother that he doesn't like the way he is treating you. "Around me you respect her we had plans and we are being nice by letting you in so don't be rude to her"  

 

Its really a hard situation just know that even if it goes "bad" you will have something to reflect on. 

I think your husband is correct in a sense to say lets see what happens and we will act accordingly next time.Like setting boundaries or whatever needs to be done so you don't feel this way. 

 

I really hope that in the future you don't have to be in situations like this. 

[cynicist]

I want to be let alone to make my own life... How do I frame it to avoid getting catch in their ill-interactions.

I'll appreciate the input.

 

You know the storm will come if you leave or you wouldn't be asking how to avoid it, so the answer here is that you need your husband's support in order to persevere through it.  Therapy is good but it can't replace assurance from those you care about.

 

My husband just tells me to go with the flow, or ignore them, but the truth is that interacting with them irritates me and changes my state of mind.

 

Have you told him that you don't want anything to do with them anymore?