Infantilization and The Erosion of Self Efficacy

[Three]

Today, I want to talk about a form of emotional abuse. But first, I want to share a bit of my history as well as my reasons for writing this. About 2 years ago I decided to move out and break from my parents. The reason I had to cease contact with them, particularly my mom since my Dad was often over seas for work, was because I felt entirely wretched living with her. I felt like my soul was slowly coming undone, that I was deteriorating from the inside. 

   It was extremely terrifying making the first steps towards adulthood. I didn't feel like I was ready to move out. After all, I didn't even know how to use a washing machine, how insurance worked, or even how to write check. And boy, did I experience a great amount of shame, humiliation, and anxiety trying to learn these things from people. It felt like I was telling people that I still wet my bed and that  I needed them to potty train me. I was afraid of being attacked or being perceived as a burden. I remember when I'd attempt to ask about how to use a washing machine, I would get replies that assumed I new something about what to do. "Oh, you just put in your change and press start!"


   "But, what about separating whites from other colors? What's the setting I need to put it on. Cold or warm water? What' the right amount of soap I should put in there? Do I use any other kind of detergent?" These were all questions that would go through my head, but I dared not to ask them. Not until I found a person who seemed kind and patient. Even then, for someone who was still bleeding from the wounds of neglect and verbal aggression, to reinforce this feeling by provoking the inevitable "You mean you don't know how to do this?" response from someone would be too overwhelming. So, while moving out was a definite improvement, there was a lot of work I needed to do on myself. 

    During that time, I remember driving to and from work having conversations with imaginary people. In one imagination, a person would ask me, "So, why don't you still see your parents?" "Because they make me feel bad", I would say in response. "Oh? What is it that they would do that would make you feel so bad?" I would be asked in return. To my surprise, I was stumped. I had an awful lot of trouble articulating exactly what happened in a way that would do my experience justice. My mom  rarely yelled, spanked me once, and called me a basket case once.

     Surely there had to be more to it than that. She did always ask if I wanted any of the food she cooked, which she'd leave wrapped up in tin foil on the stove. This was always really frustrating because I thought it was unnecessary to ask an able bodied 21 year old man if he would like some food when he can get some himself, especially since this happened almost daily and since I'd usually say no. Was that it though? When I said it like that, it didn't sound so bad to me and I began to question if whether or not I was just making a big deal out of something small. My mom, after all was only trying to help...


  Or was she? After spending a good amount of time introspecting and researching the answer eventually revealed itself as a definite no. But, it was a struggle for me to figure out why. My goal in this article i to help other who might be struggling to answer similar questions as well as to provide more clarity to myself while writing this. What was actually occurring in the example with my mom asking me if I wanted any food was an insidious form of abuse that is directly related to the fear, shame and the feeling of being unprepared for the world that I mentioned earlier. Can you see it? Do you know why it's so bad? If you don't know, that's okay and understandable. Especially, if you've been subjected to it. This form of abuse is called infantilization. To use the definition from the website http://outofthefog.net , 
 
 

Treating a child as if they are much younger than their actual age.

Honey, will you please NOT Grow up?

Some parents with Personality Disorders feel an overwhelming compulsion to be loved or needed. In some cases, this manifests itself in a dysfunctional style of child raising which constrains the child’s normal mental, emotional and social growth.

As children mature, they progressively develop an increased sense of independence and capability, and as they do so, they naturally want to make more of their own choices and exert more control over their lives. This also means they gradually put more distance between themselves and their parents.

For some PD parents, this development of independent thoughts, actions and opinions can seem threatening. All parents naturally experience a degree of stress as their children become more self-directed - the PD parent however may respond by taking increasingly desperate actions to delay or hinder their child's development.

What it Looks Like

• A parent routinely and voluntarily shares the same bed as their 10 year old child.
• A parent routinely speaks in a baby-style sing-song voice to a teenager.
• A parent routinely assumes completely unnecessary responsibility for an older child’s wellbeing, including dressing, bathing and feeding.
• A parent routinely buys their child age-inappropriate clothing and toys or arranges age-inappropriate activities.
• A parent routinely and inappropriately cuts in and speaks for a child when someone else speaks directly to the child.

How it Feels

A child who is subject to Infantilization may be inclined to try to “let it go”, and not challenge a parent who is treating them in an age-inappropriate way in order to keep the peace. Some may develop the habits ofEnabling or Learned helplessness. Others may act out in anger, become prone to avoidance, or commit acts of sabotage.

Children who remain infantilized into their teen years and beyond often feel shame and embarrassment in front of their peers, especially if their parent acts out the trait in public. Some may begin to avoid friendships and social interaction, or may be actively prevented from age-appropriate activities by the PD parent, further hindering their social and emotional development.

Children and youths who are infantilized may be at an increased risk of acts of Self Harm or Impulsiveness, experience academic difficulties, and may possess poor social skills in adulthood.

Sometimes, one parent will disapprove of another dysfunctional parent’s infantilization, yet fail to proactively address the problem in an attempt to keep the peace and avoid conflict. This is a form of Enabling.

Infantilization is a form of Child Abuse, which starves a Child’s emotional being to feed the PD parent’s emotional need. There is no known legislation which outlaws Infantilization. However, some observant child advocates, guardian ad litem’s, therapists and evaluators may recognize the abuse, and take it into account in their reporting and decision making.

That's a lot underneath a simple, "I cooked some food for you." And part of the reason it's so hard to see is because it's disguised as something nice, something helpful, something for you. This allows the abuser to decouple the cause and the affect of the abuse, so it' easier to deny. This way, you're left humiliated and hurt, but unable to figure out why and if you do speak up against the attack, the abuser can simply continue the abuse by invalidating your feelings and insisting that "they were only helping".


And there are many more examples, when I was nineteen, my mom took me shopping. As I was trying on a pair of shoes, she said in front of the sales associate, "okay, now get up and walk in them to see if they fit!". Sometimes she would put my mail in front of the door step. Or she would insist on letting her tell me the directions to a place and that "I didn't need my GPS." Or when my windows were down while they were raining she would get my keys and roll the windows up. I remember my aunt buying me a remote control car for my 19th birthday. My mom and dad would talk to me in a baby voice. I remember sitting on my dad's lap until I was a teenager. And even when I was 20 I till would it next to him and lean on him and I called him "Deddy". The list goes on. 


Of all the damage this does to a person, it especially erodes one's self efficacy. Self Efficacy is one's perceived capabilities for learning or performing actions at designated levels. There are a number of things that affect or self efficacy. Vicarious experiences help. When we see people like us achieve something great we feel like we an o it to. Hence why o many fitness instructors will say, "I use to be fat", followed by presenting the before picture. But, by far what helps the most is our actual achievements. If you rated your confidence in making a basketball shot from 20 feet away a 5, but you managed to make the shot 10 times in a row, you might rate your confidence higher. Thus, when your parents don't allow you to achieve by taking responsibilities away from you or by shielding you from mistakes which allow you to grow, then you will essentially have your self efficacy eroded.
 
Anyways, I hope this helps! Take care.

[aFireInside]

This will help manny people, I couldn't really find anything on the forums about this subject. 

l

[RachelAnn]

That is really interesting information. I remember every time my mother used to take me shopping, she would only let me get clothes that were a certain material and color otherwise I would "ruin them". She also never let me finish any creative projects or experiments, they were always over ridden with shameful remarks on how I was doing everything completely wrong. I have a lot of examples of situations like that. She habitually insisted on doing everything for me. I was slightly aware of all of it but this post really helped shed some light on the subject for me. 

 

Do you have any other resources for Infantilization? Also how did this knowledge help you to increase your self efficiency?

 

Thanks!

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[Three]

That is really interesting information. I remember every time my mother used to take me shopping, she would only let me get clothes that were a certain material and color otherwise I would "ruin them". She also never let me finish any creative projects or experiments, they were always over ridden with shameful remarks on how I was doing everything completely wrong. I have a lot of examples of situations like that. She habitually insisted on doing everything for me. I was slightly aware of all of it but this post really helped shed some light on the subject for me. 

 

Do you have any other resources for Infantilization? Also how did this knowledge help you to increase your self efficiency?

 

 

 

 

I want to start off by saying that I am incredibly sorry about the abuse that was inflicted on you. You did not deserve that. 

 

A quote by Hitler or Goebells comes to mind, which is "If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it."

In between the lines, in the subtext, there is a implicit criticism, a lie that is being told because it is not true, which is that you aren't smart enough or capable or have what it takes to do these simple tasks for yourself, but your mom does. Putting her in a position of superiority and you in a position of inferiority. To be shame bound is to by definition feel less than human and it makes perfect sense why this would create toxic shame within all who have been on the receiving end of this abuse. In these situations we are being treated as if we are less than human, as if we are inferior, and thus that is the message we are getting  sent to the unconscious repeatedly. And it damages our self esteem as surely as if we would have explicitly been told then. Whether she tells you with words or sends you a letter, you're still getting told you are inferior. And what is so crazy making about this form of emotional abuse is that it is so hard to see. It's like a subliminal message that affects a film viewer without her being consciously aware of it. 

 

And to answer your question about how this information has helped raised my self efficacy, I'm not sure it has. What the information has done is to help provide clarity, so I can process things easier and do the work that will result in raised self efficacy. Imagine the outrage that would result from a company leaving an ingredient in their gummy vitamins that lowered children's self esteem, created problems with their abilities to socially interact with people and increased their likelihood of self mutilating? We would be appalled.  The story would get a decent amount of media coverage too. What if it was then discovered that the vitamin company did this deliberately, so that they could sell you a cure for the ills they created? Then it would turn into a horror story. However, this is the reality we had the misfortune of knowing and we deserve the same outrage and empathy towards ourselves that we would have for those children in the hypothetical news story.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Infantilization often comes in a bundle with parentification and adultification:

http://healthyparent.com/Parentification%20Web%20Preview.pdf

 

For me this was very devastating. Getting shoveled with adult problems, which I couldn't help, then making the ways I could help useless and pointless, because there was always something to brag about.

 

Bait & switch but in a sadistic way to exhaust the child by filling his heart and mind with terrors he couldn't do anything and shouldn't even deal with, on any level, and making by their catastrophes his problems non-existent and unsolved. Wanna get some help with your homework? Better not because granny has a terminal cancer and we must plan what to wear at her funeral.

 

"You wanna help? You must love this marital problem/problem at the work place/problem with dysfunctional people outside family - but no, you can't and shouldn't even wash dishes because you can't fucking do it in my way."

 

It really gives a sense to the child, that he is nothing but a poison container, wasteland, and all that comes forth is for his own destruction if he doesn't submit to this role of being preyed upon. Self getting eaten by vultures and other birds you've not even seen but in books. For what I give, they take twice the amount and leave traits of poison where they were so I can't go back and make it better. Maze of mental torment and then I feel the guilt and shame, for not being able to undo the hurt or decrease it faster and more efficiently. 

 

Again, Shem, I'm incredibly sorry. You're absolutely right in pointing out that this goes with other forms of emotional abuse and can also be a form of parentification at the same time because when we are being infantilazed, it is for the abusers needs. We are being exploited. But, it's under the disguise of "help and concern". In reality they just need to be needed.

 

 

Here are some other sources on emotional abuse that I've found helpful. Someone it I wrote or posted on the boards

 

 

. 

https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/39739-film-review-tangled/

 

 

https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/39741-great-read-characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers/

 

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201107/when-parents-make-children-their-friend-or-spouse

 

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2012/04/emotional-incest-part-1-definitions.html

 

 

http://eqi.org/invalid.htm

 

 

Anyway, I hope that makes sense.

[RachelAnn]

I want to start off by saying that I am incredibly sorry about the abuse that was inflicted on you. You did not deserve that. 

 

A quote by Hitler or Goebells comes to mind, which is "If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it."

In between the lines, in the subtext, there is a implicit criticism, a lie that is being told because it is not true, which is that you aren't smart enough or capable or have what it takes to do these simple tasks for yourself, but your mom does. Putting her in a position of superiority and you in a position of inferiority. To be shame bound is to by definition feel less than human and it makes perfect sense why this would create toxic shame within all who have been on the receiving end of this abuse. In these situations we are being treated as if we are less than human, as if we are inferior, and thus that is the message we are getting  sent to the unconscious repeatedly. And it damages our self esteem as surely as if we would have explicitly been told then. Whether she tells you with words or sends you a letter, you're still getting told you are inferior. And what is so crazy making about this form of emotional abuse is that it is so hard to see. It's like a subliminal message that affects a film viewer without her being consciously aware of it. 

 

And to answer your question about how this information has helped raised my self efficacy, I'm not sure it has. What the information has done is to help provide clarity, so I can process things easier and do the work that will result in raised self efficacy. Imagine the outrage that would result from a company leaving an ingredient in their gummy vitamins that lowered children's self esteem, created problems with their abilities to socially interact with people and increased their likelihood of self mutilating? We would be appalled.  The story would get a decent amount of media coverage too. What if it was then discovered that the vitamin company did this deliberately, so that they could sell you a cure for the ills they created? Then it would turn into a horror story. However, this is the reality we had the misfortune of knowing and we deserve the same outrage and empathy towards ourselves that we would have for those children in the hypothetical news story.

 

 

 

 

 

Again, Shem, I'm incredibly sorry. You're absolutely right in pointing out that this goes with other forms of emotional abuse and can also be a form of parentification at the same time because when we are being infantilazed, it is for the abusers needs. We are being exploited. But, it's under the disguise of "help and concern". In reality they just need to be needed.

 

 

Here are some other sources on emotional abuse that I've found helpful. Someone it I wrote or posted on the boards

 

 

. 

https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/39739-film-review-tangled/

 

 

https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/39741-great-read-characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers/

 

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201107/when-parents-make-children-their-friend-or-spouse

 

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2012/04/emotional-incest-part-1-definitions.html

 

 

http://eqi.org/invalid.htm

 

 

Anyway, I hope that makes sense.

Thanks Joel, I really appreciate it. You're right about it being hard to see. It has taken me a year of trying to remember the blur of my childhood that was supposedly "happy" when I knew something was terribly off. I hope that having more clarity will help me get more in tune with my authentic self without the shame and insecurities. I will be journaling a lot. I have a ways to go. I am also very sorry for the abuse that was inflicted upon you. I am grateful for you sharing your story and inner thoughts.

Infantilization often comes in a bundle with parentification and adultification:

http://healthyparent.com/Parentification%20Web%20Preview.pdf

 

For me this was very devastating. Getting shoveled with adult problems, which I couldn't help, then making the ways I could help useless and pointless, because there was always something to brag about.

 

Bait & switch but in a sadistic way to exhaust the child by filling his heart and mind with terrors he couldn't do anything and shouldn't even deal with, on any level, and making by their catastrophes his problems non-existent and unsolved. Wanna get some help with your homework? Better not because granny has a terminal cancer and we must plan what to wear at her funeral.

 

"You wanna help? You must love this marital problem/problem at the work place/problem with dysfunctional people outside family - but no, you can't and shouldn't even wash dishes because you can't fucking do it in my way."

 

It really gives a sense to the child, that he is nothing but a poison container, wasteland, and all that comes forth is for his own destruction if he doesn't submit to this role of being preyed upon. Self getting eaten by vultures and other birds you've not even seen but in books. For what I give, they take twice the amount and leave traits of poison where they were so I can't go back and make it better. Maze of mental torment and then I feel the guilt and shame, for not being able to undo the hurt or decrease it faster and more efficiently. 

Shem, That is horrendous stuff. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. Thank you for sharing.

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[Three]

Rachel, you're welcome and I wish you the best as you work through your history and heal. And once again, thank you for your feedback and sympathies. They mean a lot. Shem, I can relate to so muhc of what you're saying. The pattern you describe where the abuser just doesn't stop, but might cease fire giving you some time to recover and think that they've decided to leave you alone and then, when your guard is down they strike again. I felt like a battered house wife who was in denial of her husbands abuse at a job I just recently quit. It was a local grocery store company that has 4 stores. After months or receiving subtle passive aggression from the store manager, eventually I became enraged and transferred stores. It was only two weeks later that they transferred the manager who I was trying to get away from to the store I was at! To my regret, I thought to myself, "oh, maybe he'll leave me alone since I complained about him." He left me alone for 2 months and then went back to his usual bullying. Shortly after, I cut my losses and left. And please let me know what you think about Tangled!

[David Twyman]

 

I haven't seen my mother since last November but this is what comes to my mind if I even think about her. I get all the feelings back like I was treated as a household toy or something, like a marionette, which should apply to every single comment she made. 

 

If someone has seen Keeping Up Appearances, the legendary Britt comedy, the character of Hyacinth Bucket is an epitome of infantilization:

 

 

 

I forgot to mention the feeling. It's hostility which being treated this way brings in me.

 

I absolutely despise this show. I think it's my top worst show. I definitely feel the hostility. "Women good, men bad, got it" - Molyneux

[Three]

oo lookey, Stef talks about this

[MysterionMuffles]

You don't post too often, Joel, but when you do, goddamn is it powerful!

This reminds me of my mom hovering over my shoulder so to speak, when it comes to my food choices. I have a heart condition so that is partly why she may say things such as "you're eating pork sausages? All that fat?! Think about your heart." "Hot sauce? Think about your heart." Oh, my favourite is before I could even crack my first beer at a party, "what about your heart?"

 

Yes mom...what ABOUT my heart? You spend an awful amount of time trying to warn me about food or exercise because of my heart condition, but what about my heart in the emotional sense? You ever stop to think about that? Of course not. All matters of the heart are truly foreign to you despite of the ample time you've spent with me going to check ups.

 

Anyways that sounds like a conversation I should be having with her, thanks for the prompt idea! 

quick question though...what happened to SHem's posts? I just see a default avatar and ... as a name with empty posts