Benjammin Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Hi All, So I need a second opinion on messages that I received from my mother yesterday. I have to say that I felt relieved at first. I was thinking that I was right all along without even having to RTR with them. Then I got quite angry and felt the need to lash out with messages like “Who is it exactly that you think I owe and explanation to” or “Why should I explain myself a person who attacks me?” or “You know that I’m and Atheist right?”. The short story is that I have not talked with my parents since late October last year. My final visit I made it known that I did not want to be part of any gift exchanges with christmas. At that time I was asked if I was going to even come over for christmas dinner and at that time I was not sure. It turned out that I did not feel like going to any sort of gatherings for that holiday. The only contact I have had since is to text my mother happy birthday in February. I have not responded to a few miss you love you type text’s but this is the first time that the text has contained an outright attack. I was hoping to get more comfortable with my feeling before talking with them so I never sent a letter or went over for RTR. I am thinking the best response to the text would be no response. I know no one can tell me what to do but I would like to hear others reactions. I have not found anyone that I can really talk with. Thanks, Ben Text from Mother: 18:32 Do not know why you do not care about your family at all. Getting it your dealing with your situation. I’m sorry if we did something that mess you up. But it’s really sad that you do not want to have family so I really don’t know What more to say but sorry bye. You are always welcome my love bye. 18:52 Sorry if you do mot have the balls to explain yourself. 18:59 Sorry you cant even respond to easter invitations. These are copied exactly.Unless word's autocorrect fixed anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsayers Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Do not know why you do not care about your family at all. Were you at all involved in the process by which she arrived at this conclusion? Because this isn't a conclusion you can arrive at about somebody without them. I would say based on the repetition and timestamp, that yes, ignoring (blocking) them is probably the best course of action. She's goading you into a confrontation. One whose details and outcome will likely not matter to her. From her perspective, it looks as if just getting you to betray your own instincts would be victory enough. I mean, don't have the balls to explain yourself is an outright taunt. How could anybody willing to speak to you that way simultaneously get to claim that you owe them caring about them? If you haven't already, I think you'd benefit from checking out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjammin Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 Were you at all involved in the process by which she arrived at this conclusion? Because this isn't a conclusion you can arrive at about somebody without them. I would say based on the repetition and timestamp, that yes, ignoring (blocking) them is probably the best course of action. She's goading you into a confrontation. One whose details and outcome will likely not matter to her. From her perspective, it looks as if just getting you to betray your own instincts would be victory enough. I mean, don't have the balls to explain yourself is an outright taunt. How could anybody willing to speak to you that way simultaneously get to claim that you owe them caring about them? If you haven't already, I think you'd benefit from checking out I was not involved. She came to that assumption on her own. I totally agree about the explaining myself comment. I was a bit shocked. Then again this is exactly the behavior I expect. Hence why I have never RTR'ed with her or my father. I honestly wonder if she had been drinking. I think I have listen to that one. I shall listen again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yeravos Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 18:52 Sorry if you do mot have the balls to explain yourself. Wow. That's just makes me boil me inside. To fall to such a low, disgusting level of communication when you have expressed a desire to keep some distance. I think you made a good decision on not RTR with your mom, I'd say, from knowing practically nothing about her, just going on her texts, RTRing wouldn't have been productive with her. It would have ''only'' shown that you made a correct decision to get away from her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-William Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 My goodness is she 12 years old? Does she not know how to write better than that? I'm not saying you should break up with your family because they can't use the English language well. But she doesn't even care enough about sending you bitchy text messages to make sure that she's doing a good job of communicating. I still think it's worth it to have a talk with your parents about how you feel and what you think and problems you have with them and with how you were treated as a child. Because it can tell you lots about where you are in the process of self-knowledge. I doubt you're going to have a very positive relationship with your mother in future, but maybe it's possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjammin Posted April 18, 2014 Author Share Posted April 18, 2014 Thanks for the input folks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsayers Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 I still think it's worth it to have a talk with your parents about how you feel and what you think and problems you have with them and with how you were treated as a child. Because it can tell you lots about where you are in the process of self-knowledge. If you know for sure that the people in question have no interest, then this would be akin to letting a torturer know where your sore spots are. It's not a good idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
corpus mentium Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 I am really shaking after reading this. I am in basically the same position. I haven't been seeking contact with my family for a number of months. Around Christmas time I sent them an email that I wasn't sure I wanted to participate in the holidays and that I needed a break. I had asked to be left alone until I got things sorted out in my head. Then, this past week I got a couple emails - one shortly after another - from my sister demanding that I re-establish contact. Lots of guilting, shaming, and talking about love while simultaneously telling me I'm cold and selfish and how I treat my family badly when in fact I had only asked to be left alone to sort things out for myself. I haven't been doing anything towards them. Just receiving and reading the email has totally changed the emotional tone of my week. The fact of the matter is that this is the person I feel I need to talk to the most urgently, but not because of her email to me. She has children and one of the last times I spoke to her (over video since we live a long distance apart), she hit her 2 year old. I wasn't at the point yet that I felt I could say anything. In fact I froze up when it happened. I am still unsure as to how I should approach her. I want to do it right so as to be of maximum help to her children and hopefully not push her away, but just thinking about it makes me shake. I am paralyzed about what to do or say because I see the situation as so delicate. With my other family members I don't feel the pressure to sort myself out in any accelerated way. I just hope that they will understand my need to be left alone for now. I wish I could offer something more helpful to you, Benjammin. It looks like we are in the same boat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjammin Posted April 19, 2014 Author Share Posted April 19, 2014 Corpus mentium Thanks for your response. I am sorry that you are in the same situation. Sounds like you were more proactive in informing your FOO of your intentions than I was. I am really sorry to hear about the situation with your sister. I just found out this week that my younger sister is pregnant. This makes me quite sad and concerned. I called her and talked to her about some of my concerns. I asked her why did she decide to have a baby? The first response was “I don’t know”. This made my heart drop as I was pretty sure that this would be the answer. We talked about it a little further and then I got the story of well I was on the shot and then there were some problems, I did not even ovulate and the well you know the end result. I tried to broach the topic of understanding the bad things we were taught as kids and that we don’t want to pass that on to our kids. Asking her to take some time and look in on yourself. I also made a point to ask her to think about not hitting her child. She asked me what about spanking? I informed her that spanking is hitting. The next question from her was how am I supposed to punish then? I find I have my work cut out for me as it sounds like you do as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philsau Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 Hey man really sorry to hear about that. Those text messages, especially the last two were horrific. To say to someone they "don't have the balls to explain yourself" is truly degrading and you did the right thing by getting away from them. Now your main task, as far as I can see and in my experience is to resist the temptation to be drawn back by their appeals or by your own inner guilt. You see now by those texts the truth of where you stand in the relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subsidiarity Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 You could reply without explaining. A simple 'Hey' let's her know you are reading her msgs without giving away anything else. I have found it useful on occasion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Beal Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 First off, just echoing what others have said: that's an incredibly petty thing she said and I'm really sorry this is even something you'd have to consider If you know for sure that the people in question have no interest, then this would be akin to letting a torturer know where your sore spots are. It's not a good idea. Well, that's kinda the point. If you need certainty, it can be a good idea to be vulnerable to see how they use that power. If they use it against you then it could provide the certainty you need to never look back, and get the most vivid and unfiltered expression of the abuse, to hold on to, so that you remember that whenever you meet new people who are like that and who you definitely do not want to get into a relationship with. I didn't take this advice and in hindsight, I wish that I had. Not that I ever wanted to continue having a relationship with my mother, but I had some ambivalence for a long time about how I actually made that break. The exception is with parents who might actually fuck up your life in some way like physically beat the shit out of you or call the cops on you or something a psychotic person might do. Or, if you're already certain. Then I wouldn't see the point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsayers Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 I get what you're saying. I think it would be just as effective and easier to survive to acquire that certainty without opening yourself up to attack. As recently as a few years ago, my father was able to ruin my ENTIRE DAY with a single sentence. That's nuclear yield, brother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Fleming Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 I have been watching these videos lately where two professional therapists are talking about relationships with crazy, narcissistic people, particularly women. While they are generally talking about men getting involved with insane women I have found it has given me a great deal of insight into my own family situation and made me realise why my mother is a lost cause and why I tried so hard for so long to establish a decent relationship with her and why it was such a colossal failure and waste of time on my part and also my own father's part in enabling it all. Highly recommended. I found them very therapeutic and have listened multiple times. I get what you're saying. I think it would be just as effective and easier to survive to acquire that certainty without opening yourself up to attack. As recently as a few years ago, my father was able to ruin my ENTIRE DAY with a single sentence. That's nuclear yield, brother. I know that feeling. Just seeing my mother's name pop up in my email account, without even reading the email, used to be enough to make me feel a sense of dread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjammin Posted April 27, 2014 Author Share Posted April 27, 2014 Thanks for the response everyone. I just want to post that I have read everyone's response. I am not sure yet where to do with this but will continue to ponder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tjt Posted April 29, 2014 Share Posted April 29, 2014 Whoa, b.s. non-apology overload! I'm sorry for this situation, it sounds difficult. I just wanted to make a quick comment about one of the texts your mother sent to you: 18:52 Sorry if you do mot have the balls to explain yourself. How did this comment make you feel? Has she insulted you in similar ways in the past? I find this incredibly disturbing coming from a mother, directed at her son. There are a few elements to this that I find so concerning: First, why is she referencing your sexual organs in an insult in a text message? I find this really messed up... anyways, she ought to know you have testicles because she changed your diapers as a baby... hopefully. But seriously, something is very disturbing about that. Second, I've only heard immature men/boys say this teasingly to each other as an insult... So, this is an extreme (and irrational) insult coming from your mother in an attempt to make you feel weak and submit to doing what she wants. I am female and would never consider saying this to my partner or any other male... especially ones that I care about. It's petty and a simple-minded ploy to exert control over you. Emotional manipulation at a kindergarten level. I just came across this-- http://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/39741-great-read-characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers/ --it might help you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psquared Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 Benjammin, I'm very sorry to read about what your mother has said to you. AWFUL. I have found that trying to interact with people who behave that way is sort of like sticking your hand back into the meat grinder. In my own experience, a couple of years ago, I began to have a lot of anger come up around my mother. I had always given her a pass over the 38 years or so of my life. I believed her when she used to say she was just as much a victim as us kids. Listening to all the podcasts about spanking, parental power disparity, full application of the NAP, etc. I started to get really mad. When Mother's Day rolled around, I asked myself how I felt about sending her a card and I didn't want to, so I didn't. I didn't hear from her for months and months. She started spreading rumors around the small, rural area where I live that she "didn't know" what she "did to upset" me. She said some other bullshit stuff to my sister's in-laws as well. The next thing I got was an article on the virtues of forgiveness, especially of prior abusers. Not only that but she sent it with no return address but I recognized her handwriting on the envelope. So, while I was contemplating how I would RTR with her or discuss my feelings, she gave me the certainty I needed regarding any communication with her. I got a full on SHAME letter from her business partner putting me down and telling me that whatever happened to me didn't happen. The last thing I have received from her is a small note basically begging me to "put the past behind" and that she loves me. Ugh. I didn't respond to any of these attempts. It's extremely difficult. The pain and grief of realizing that you were born to assholes is no fun. I have spent many hours crying in therapy for who I was when I was 2, 3, 4 years old, etc. On top of that, so many people want to attack you for not communicating with your family. Stay strong and true to yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjammin Posted May 15, 2014 Author Share Posted May 15, 2014 Thanks again for your responses folks. I don't know that I have anything to really add but it's nice to hear empathetic responses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Bockman Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 Benjamin, I'm curious what was your goal in texting her 'Happy birthday'? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjammin Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 Benjamin, I'm curious what was your goal in texting her 'Happy birthday'? I think compliance was my goal. I have been attacked in the past for forgetting to properly appease my parents on given special days. I think I was also avoiding the most likely conflict of saying that I needed time to figure myself out while taking a break from the family. If this was a few years back I am sure I would have some other kind of story to tell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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