Why did my mother hit my brother with a carpet beater?

[GYre0ePJhZ]

Hey,

 

In the aftermath of the recent podcast - where a mom who beat and yelled at her children due to anxiety of them reflecting negatively onto her if they didn't do what was expected from them (e.g. homework) - me and my girlfriend have tried to figure out why my mother hit my brother with a carpet beater, and we are not sure. The same explanation does not seem to fit in this case. Let me give an account of what happened.

 

I will just explain it the way I experienced it and as far as I can remember. It was a Saturday, I was 4 years old, and my oldest brother was then 12.My memory starts with my mother halfway through my brother's room running towards him while he was asleep. She started to whack him uncontrollably with the carpet beater while screaming hysterically that he was supposed to have gotten up long ago for his chores on the farm. I think she was swearing too, but I'm not sure.

 

I felt terrified then, and now while writing this I feel tears knocking on my eyelids, yearning release. My inner mom is at the same time accusing me of betrayal and that all sorts of excuses made this act an understandable thing to do against my brother (e.g. frustrating and stressful marriage (divorce 2-3 years later) with verbal and physical fights with my dad, her mom had breastcancer from when my mom was 9 until my grandmothers death when my mother was 19, PTSD etc.).

 

I think this event was very significant in my development: I did not get beaten nearly as much as my older brothers because I conformed through doing the opposite of whatever they got beaten for. That is, I obeyed my mom while eviscerating my true self.

 

In fact, I remember being beaten only once. This was when I was 2 years old and did not want to go to bed, so I tried to run away from my mom. She beat me open-handed on my bare butt for this. I was laughing when I tried to run away, but I was crying while and after she beat me. I felt humiliated and helpless.

 

Three months ago I told my mom that I was angry at her because she hit me, but she waived it away with "but it wasn't systematic...". No more needs to be said about that response... She also went on to say that I needed to talk with a therapist about this and that she can't talk with me about it because her PTSD gets reactivated leaving her unable to sleep for days. I haven't talked to her since, and I have not returned her calls because I am extremely infuriated by her response. While she is right in that a therapist would be beneficial for me and that she won't be able to sleep, her complete lack of empathy and concern for my needs demonstrated by her response turn my gut, soul and heart black of anger. This is exactly what she has done my whole life; sacrificing my needs on the altar of her needs. I fundamentally does not exist in her eyes. Only as a convenient carcass to pour her prejudices, and, wait for it, emotional garbage in.

 

This post evolved into being much longer than I thought it would become, but it can atleast serve as background information and a way of conveying how important this is to me.

 

My question is, why did my mother beat my brother with a carpet beater? Was it a way for her to blow off steam? Sadism? We don't understand, because this act does not make sense as a protection from negative evaluation from others.

[Soren]

Wow that is an horrid story. Attacking people is bad enough, attacking them in their sleep, seems yet worse to me. How is he or you ever to sleep soundly knowing that at any moment you can be attacked in a defenseless state by your caregiver. I am sorry you had to experience that.

Do you have or have had trouble sleeping?

[GYre0ePJhZ]

Wow that is an horrid story. Attacking people is bad enough, attacking them in their sleep, seems yet worse to me. How is he or you ever to sleep soundly knowing that at any moment you can be attacked in a defenseless state by your caregiver. I am sorry you had to experience that.

Do you have or have had trouble sleeping?

 

Thanks for your reply and sorries. It means a lot to me.

 

Sometimes it is hard for me to fall asleep (it can take like 2-3 hours to sleep in on occasion) and need distractions to do so (e.g. podcasts, series etc.), but I am not sure whether it is because of this. It would make sense though! Next time sleeping in is problematic I will try to not distract myself and see what happens.

 

Although I have not spoken to my brother in like a year now because he is a bully, I know that he gets up very early in the morning every day, and that he judges it very negatively if someone chooses to sleep in: It is lazy or a sign of weak character. He literally got that value beaten into him with a carpet beater. I just realized that it probably triggers anxiety in him if someone does that, so to protect our mother from negative evaluation on his own part he rather berates those who sleep longer. Does that make sense?

[Yeravos]

God, that's so horrible. I am terribly sorry for you and your brothers. I can't imagine what that must have been like... 

Are you looking to find a therapist to help you process and heal your childhood traumas? I have just started out myself in therapy, and it's worth it so much, to have someone in person to listen, and validate the horrible things you've gone through. To give that much needed empathy, so you can recover from that meteor-impact of childhood trauma.

 

On a more positive note, congratulations. You survived that horrible ordeal you went through. And to have the courage to be open and vulnerable, to seek to understand, and transcend the horrors of your past... That's commendable. I tip my hat of for you.

 

To answer your question, I don't know. I didn't myself grow up with that kind of abuse, so it feels very alien and horrifying to me. 

[GYre0ePJhZ]

Thank you for your reply, congratulations and sympathy, Yeravos. It means a lot to me.

 

I am going to a therapist in the near future. I am happy the therapy is helping you process. I know I will benefit from it aswell.

[dayna j.]

I'm sorry this was your experience.  I don't think anyone is going to be able to tell you exactly what made your mother feel that it was appropriate to use violence against defenseless children.  If she was anyone else other than your mother, would you care what her reasons were?  I was beaten by my mother approximately 700 times, conservatively.  I've spent time circling around in my mind--attempting to understand why things were the way they were.  Ultimately, I settled into the realization that she is simply a piece of human garbage.  Not to say this is the case for your mom--maybe she has redeemed herself somehow, but it certainly could be that she is just not a good person.

 

I feel as though my tone is a bit harsh, and I'm sorry for that, but I think it is important to realize that people who use violence are deeply troubled and extremely unhealthy.  Unfortunately, the family dynamic tends to fog our thinking around this issue, and leads us to make excuses for people which we would likely never make in any other circumstance. 

[GYre0ePJhZ]

I am sorry your mother beat you. 700 times is a breathtakingly high number.

 

I know my mother is not a good person and she has not redeemed herself. I am not asking for an exact answer. That I won't get from her either. But her not being a good person is not very satisfying for me. I did, for instance, care alot about the origins of why the mother in the podcast beat her kids when they were small. Stef and the mother were able to untie a knot through general evolutionary explanations, cultural conditions and childhood experiences without taking away the responsibility she had for her evils.I am not seeking this understanding to excuse my mother, but I want to know what particular manifestation of evil I was subjected to.

[J-William]

Three months ago I told my mom that I was angry at her because she hit me, but she waived it away with "but it wasn't systematic...". No more needs to be said about that response... She also went on to say that I needed to talk with a therapist about this and that she can't talk with me about it because her PTSD gets reactivated leaving her unable to sleep for days. 

Wow what a way to make it all about her. She can just talk to you about it to help you out a little bit? I'm sure she was very hard done by, I mean it's a real challenge to beat up on little boys.

I don't think that it's PTSD that is keeping your mother up nights, I think it's called a guilty conscience. I'm really sorry your mother can't put aside her own discomfort to help you out and make your life better. Did she not have sleepless nights when you were a baby?

 

My parents would often yell about me not waking up when they wanted me to wake up, but they were more passive aggressive verbal abusers.

Your mother clearly lacks judgment, because beating up one of your kids while a very young kid watches is going to do a lot of damage to both kids. 

Conveniently enough that kind of behavior got her one very compliant son, because you got how dangerous your mother could be. That probably wasn't in her conscious calculations of what she was doing but I'm sure it was a result that she appreciated.

[dayna j.]

I now feel that I shouldn't have responded to your post in quite the way that I did.  Reading it triggered a lot of negativity in me from my own history, and I probably should have refrained from commenting before processing that.  I do understand the importance in figuring out what makes people do what they do--particularly when it comes to the intergenerational transmission of abuse, but sometimes I feel myself slipping into a sort of nihilism.

 

Anyway, sorry if I wasn't helpful.

[J-William]

I do understand the importance in figuring out what makes people do what they do--particularly when it comes to the intergenerational transmission of abuse, 

I wonder...

I don't think I've ever thought real hard about why my parents did what they did. 

 

Is it really a value? I can see it as a value if you are telling your child that they shouldn't conform, but you hit your child because your anxiety about conforming.

So I can see the importance of understanding your own behavior, but then what value is there in understanding why your parents hit you when you were a kid?

[GYre0ePJhZ]

 

Wow what a way to make it all about her. She can just talk to you about it to help you out a little bit? I'm sure she was very hard done by, I mean it's a real challenge to beat up on little boys.

I don't think that it's PTSD that is keeping your mother up nights, I think it's called a guilty conscience. I'm really sorry your mother can't put aside her own discomfort to help you out and make your life better. Did she not have sleepless nights when you were a baby?

 

My parents would often yell about me not waking up when they wanted me to wake up, but they were more passive aggressive verbal abusers.

Your mother clearly lacks judgment, because beating up one of your kids while a very young kid watches is going to do a lot of damage to both kids. 

Conveniently enough that kind of behavior got her one very compliant son, because you got how dangerous your mother could be. That probably wasn't in her conscious calculations of what she was doing but I'm sure it was a result that she appreciated.

 

 

Thanks for your understanding and deep thoughts!

 

 

I now feel that I shouldn't have responded to your post.  Reading it triggered a lot of negativity in me from my own history, and I probably should have refrained from commenting before processing that.  I do understand the importance in figuring out what makes people do what they do--particularly when it comes to the intergenerational transmission of abuse, but sometimes I feel myself slipping into a sort of nihilism.

 

Anyway, sorry if I wasn't helpful.

 

I do think you brought up a very good point in that it in general should not be an obligation on the part of the victim to seek understanding of the abuser. Thanks for that! I am currently mulling over my own motives for wanting this knowledge.

 

 

I wonder...

I don't think I've ever thought real hard about why my parents did what they did. 

 

Is it really a value? I can see it as a value if you are telling your child that they shouldn't conform, but you hit your child because your anxiety about conforming.

So I can see the importance of understanding your own behavior, but then what value is there in understanding why your parents hit you when you were a kid?

 

I do think it can be of value if it helps you unravel your own unhealthy behavior which origin in past trauma. For instance, I realized because of that mentioned podcast, that I in some situations manage my anxiety stemming from bullying in school through manipulating others to act differently/more conform. Me and my girlfriend had hefty discussions to be sure because of that. It was immensely helpful for me to know the origins of this behavior to start turning it around (I am not saying that I have, but I am sure that I will because I feel I know what is needed to be known to explain and change this behavior of mine properly). I am open to being wrong,please let me know if you think so.

[dayna j.]

I wonder...

I don't think I've ever thought real hard about why my parents did what they did. 

 

Is it really a value? I can see it as a value if you are telling your child that they shouldn't conform, but you hit your child because your anxiety about conforming.

So I can see the importance of understanding your own behavior, but then what value is there in understanding why your parents hit you when you were a kid?

 

I think that if one is interested in working towards positive changes in society, then having insight into what motivates people to do what they do is of value.  Particularly for the victims of abuse.  If Stefan didn't have a tremendous amount of insight into these matters, i think that his ability to help others to work through their history would be greatly diminished.  By understanding a little about the motivations, it can help a person to place responsibility where it properly belongs.  For example, if I don't have any insight at all into the causes of my own abuse, then what is to stop me from simply internalizing it and blaiming myself?

 

When it comes to the abusers in our own lives, it can become difficult to take this view. It often comes across like the victim of abuse is being asked to empathize with their abuser, or excuse their behaviour in some way, which I certainly don't agree with.  But if we glean that insight from a source that is, perhaps, a bit more removed from our own individual experiences, then it can help us to more easily approach and chip away at our own experiences in a way that is more platable.  I know that before I was able to take on the demons from my own past, it helped enormously to approach them tangentially, through the relative safety of other people's experiences. 

[J-William]

I think that if one is interested in working towards positive changes in society, then having insight into what motivates people to do what they do is of value.  Particularly for the victims of abuse.  If Stefan didn't have a tremendous amount of insight into these matters, i think that his ability to help others to work through their history would be greatly diminished.  By understanding a little about the motivations, it can help a person to place responsibility where it properly belongs.  For example, if I don't have any insight at all into the causes of my own abuse, then what is to stop me from simply internalizing it and blaiming myself?

 

Ok, you may be right. I really don't know but when talking specifically of a particular incident, let's say the story that Stef has told of his mother beating his head against the door when he was four years old. In that example Stef knows generally why she did it, but I don't recall him ever going into trying to find out why exactly she got so angry at him running away.

 

I think there's value in knowing the lay of the land and why generally your parents acted as they did. (My father had a lot of anger at his dad in his teens and 20s, but repressed it and became a photocopier of his dad. My mother married a non-catholic because she didn't like her catholic family, but she treated me coldly and distantly like her own mother not even really hugging me til I was like 22 at which point it was just awkward).

 

I'm still not sure on this... so I think the best way to answer my question is to get to the bottom of Avalanche's question and see if that helps him

 

So, Avalanche, can you tell us about your mother's childhood? and her relationship with her parents? What was her social environment like? did she have lots of friends, was she very pretty? How big was she relative to your brother at the age of 12?

I think that if one is interested in working towards positive changes in society, then having insight into what motivates people to do what they do is of value.  Particularly for the victims of abuse.  If Stefan didn't have a tremendous amount of insight into these matters, i think that his ability to help others to work through their history would be greatly diminished.  By understanding a little about the motivations, it can help a person to place responsibility where it properly belongs.  For example, if I don't have any insight at all into the causes of my own abuse, then what is to stop me from simply internalizing it and blaiming myself?

 

Ok, you may be right. I really don't know but when talking specifically of a particular incident, let's say the story that Stef has told of his mother beating his head against the door when he was four years old. In that example Stef knows generally why she did it, but I don't recall him ever going into trying to find out why exactly she got so angry at him running away.

 

I think there's value in knowing the lay of the land and why generally your parents acted as they did. (My father had a lot of anger at his dad in his teens and 20s, but repressed it and became a photocopier of his dad. My mother married a non-catholic because she didn't like her catholic family, but she treated me coldly and distantly like her own mother not even really hugging me til I was like 22 at which point it was just awkward).

 

I'm still not sure on this... so I think the best way to answer my question is to get to the bottom of Avalanche's question and see if that helps him

 

So, Avalanche, can you tell us about your mother's childhood? and her relationship with her parents? What was her social environment like? did she have lots of friends, was she very pretty? How big was she relative to your brother at the age of 12?

[GYre0ePJhZ]

Hello,

 

Thanks for your questions and discussion nobody & J-William. Those are really important I think.

 

It was hard to fall asleep last night. No wonder I guess. I was constantly churning over this question you guys brought up over the value of me knowing these things about my mother. I am now as I write ambivalent about it.

 

On the one hand, I can think of two intellectually understandable reasons for it.

 

• To know what destructive memes my mother might have infected me with so I can be more conscious of them and be less likely to act on the impulses that arise from the abuse in a detrimental way.
• To better be able to detect other people who are the same as my mother, so I can better avoid them.

 

On the other hand, I feel angry about trying to understand the origins of her evils. Like it is a betrayal of my true self. I will notice and report how I feel while I answer your questions J-William.

 

 

Avalanche, can you tell us about your mother's childhood? and her relationship with her parents? What was her social environment like?

 

She grew up in a somewhat poor family being the youngest of 4 siblings. Stay-at-home mom which was diagnosed with cancer when my mother was 9 years old. My mothers's mom died from the cancer when my mother was 19 years old, around the same time she had my oldest brother. Her father worked alot and were only home with his family on sundays. She was spanked by both parents. When I asked her what she thought about that she said she was happy her parents did it. "It was with love" is the paraphrase that comes to mind. She experienced her social environment as unfair for girls in that his brother got things for himself while the three sisters had to either borrow from him or share a duplicate amongst them.

 

 

did she have lots of friends, was she very pretty?

 

I think she always has had a lot of friends. I think she was pretty, maybe an 8 or a 9. After the divorce I remember there were like a swarm of men trying to get with her. Low-life scum types of course, but nonetheless.

 

 

How big was she relative to your brother at the age of 12?

 

I think that this incidence was right before he started to become bigger and stronger than her.

 

I now also remember a very paradoxical incidence. I had a friend over when we were 12 ourselves and he was throwing red currants on a guinea pig we had in a cage outside the house. My mom saw this and got angry and raised her voice to my friend telling him that it was animal torture. What a hypocrite she is/was.

 

I felt good writing this. I think it might help to never lose sight of where the responsibility of her evils lie. But I also feel like I have big blindspots as if I am not seeing something obvious. Any help would be appreciated!

[J-William]

 

I think she always has had a lot of friends. I think she was pretty, maybe an 8 or a 9. After the divorce I remember there were like a swarm of men trying to get with her. Low-life scum types of course, but nonetheless.

hmm, so you say that she had lot's of friends, but at the same time you don't think she's motivated by anxiety over other people's opinions. I could believe that she wasn't motivated by the opinions of others if she had no friends.

 

Sorry I wasn't clear about the social environment question, but I meant as an adult. Was she a social butterfly, a pillar of the church and community, a lady who lunched... what kind of people and social classes did she involve herself with?

[GYre0ePJhZ]

hmm, so you say that she had lot's of friends, but at the same time you don't think she's motivated by anxiety over other people's opinions. I could believe that she wasn't motivated by the opinions of others if she had no friends.

 

That is a really good pont. I think she was motivated by anxiety over other people's opinions. The evidence I have for that is that she has told me several times how happy she was by the fact that in a customer-facing job I had at a local kiosk 5 years ago I provided great service for the customers, with big smiles and overall creating a pleasurable experience for them. She was happy for this because she got cred by many people who praised my service and who also told her I was a dream guy for their daughters to marry blablabla. I think it is safe to assume she took this as something that reflected her moral character and "parenting skills"... So, yes, I think your objection to my story of her not being motivated by anxiety over other people's opinions is valid! Good catch, William.

 

 

Sorry I wasn't clear about the social environment question, but I meant as an adult. Was she a social butterfly, a pillar of the church and community, a lady who lunched... what kind of people and social classes did she involve herself with?

She was not a pillar of any church or community. I am not really sure about her status in the community at the time, but I think it was low as both my father and my mother had bought and moved to a farm pretty far away from their own families and friends. She has most of her life been lower or lower middle class although now she is most definitely upper middle class with many friends. She has told me that we were very poor back then.

 

I am sorry for contradicting in this post and in the previous post in that i wrote she has always had a lot of friends: She has always had friends, but in this period I would correct it to be not "a lot".