Grandfather disowns his daughter for disowning her gay son

[Tyler H]

Came across this letter on the internet the other day. Here's the link and a copy of what the letter says.

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/02/grandpa-letter-gay-grandson_n_4029750.html

 

 

 

Dear Christine:

 

I'm disappointed in you as a daughter. You're correct that we have a "shame in the family", but mistaken about what it is.

 

Kicking Chad out of your home simply because he told you he was gay is the real "abomination" here. A parent disowning her child is what goes "against nature".

 

The only intelligent thing I heard you saying in all this was that "you didn't raise your son to be gay". Of course you didn't. He was born this way and didn't choose it any more than he being left-handed. You however, have made a choice of being hurtful, narrow-minded and backward. So, while we are in the business of [disowning] our children, I think I'll take this moment to say goodbye to you. I now have a fabulous (as the gay put it) grandson to raise, and I don't have time for heartless B-word of a daughter.

[if] you find your heart, give us a call.

-Dad

 

While Chad certainly deserves support from his family members, which unfortunately he is not getting from his mother and fortunately he is getting from his grandfather, I couldn't help but think that what is missing from this letter is the grandfather's recognition of his own culpability for his daughter's behavior.  

 

He says a parent disowning their child goes against nature and then proceeds to contradict himself and do the same thing. That being said, I have to wonder what's worse - disowning your child for something completely out of their control, or disowning your child for something that is a great deal your own fault. 

 

I'm not surprised that the daughter of a man who would call her a "B-word" would be ignorant of her own sons needs.  It reminded me of the analogy of the painter who steps back from his painting saying, "who painted this ugly piece of shit?"  

 

Thoughts or insights?  Any errors in my logic?

[PatrickC]

No, I'd say your concerns with the grandfather were totally valid. The trouble with these kind of politically correct topics, is they are often a way for certain individuals to direct (what they consider as) moral culpability onto others, whilst absolving themselves of any immorality.

 

There was frankly a much better and less confrontational approach this grandfather could have taken with his daughter. But sadly he decided to act out instead.

[Alan C.]

...I couldn't help but think that what is missing from this letter is the grandfather's recognition of his own culpability for his daughter's behavior.

 

I was thinking the same thing. Where did she learn to behave that way, I wonder?

[cab21]

he says disowning a child is against nature, then disowns his child?

[cynicist]

The only thing I'm unclear about is how the mother is prejudiced against gays here while the grandfather is not. I assume it's a religious thing where they are picking different parts of the bible to take seriously, and in that case the grandfather is just as culpable for infecting his daughter with that brand of mental illness. 

[RyanT]

Although admittedly unlikely, it could well be that the grandfather himself isn't even a Christian.Certainly, I've met several neo-Nazis who's parents were total, 'politically correct liberals'.but as sure as night follows day there was obviously some deficiency in their parenting,which left their children open and susceptible to that particular brand of crazy.

[Pepin]

I don't know how to feel about this. I am more on the side of the grandfather, but he likely did have a play in the creation of his daughter's behavior. I don't think it can all be put on him as his daughter is now and adult and has full moral responsibility, but this isn't the same as divorcing from a friend.

[RyanT]

Oh of course what his daughter is doing is an horrible thing,

and as you correctly point out she is now an adult

and totally responsible for her own actions.  

 

For me at least what's slimy about the whole thing is his total refusal to take any responsibility whatsoever,

All the way though I was just waiting and waiting for that old cliché 'we didn't raise you to be like that'.

Well who did? and why didn't you do anything to stop them?

 

There's only one word and that's hypocrisy

 

Its just like these parents who's kids end up living a life of drugs and promiscuity,

then they end up on one of those god-awful talk shows self-righteously lecturing their kids,

.....about what crappy parents they are.  

 

and all the lemmings in the audience cheer and clap and nod their heads.....  

[bostonPro]

Playing devils advocate here.  Isn't it possible that the grandfather in fact didn't raise her to be like that.  Instead she learned that behavior through peers, significant other, etc...?

 

Without having all the details, why is it automatically assumed that the grandfather had a role in her way of thinking on this particular issue?

[Alan C.]

Playing devils advocate here. Isn't it possible that the grandfather in fact didn't raise her to be like that. Instead she learned that behavior through peers, significant other, etc...?

 

Without having all the details, why is it automatically assumed that the grandfather had a role in her way of thinking on this particular issue?

 

If she was molded by peers, significant others, etc., then that would make her a poor judge of character. From where do people learn character judgement?

[bostonPro]

If she was molded by peers, significant others, etc., then that would make her a poor judge of character. From where do people learn character judgement?

 

I understand what you are getting at.  And for the most part I agree that people would learn their character judgement from their parents. But is it possible that the grandfather raised her peacefully and without religion, but as a free thinking human being, lets say she decided to join a church because she liked the charity aspect of it.  And throughout the years she was brainwashed by other members of this church, people she considered friends, to think that "gays are bad".  In this case, is it still her father's fault?

 

I guess the point i'm trying to make is, are our parents responsible for every single bad decision we make as adults?

[cynicist]

But is it possible that the grandfather raised her peacefully and without religion, but as a free thinking human being, lets say she decided to join a church because she liked the charity aspect of it.  

 

What do you think is more likely, what you said or her being bullied and raised with religion? We don't know the reasons why of course, but if I were to bet on it, I don't think she was raised with peace and tolerance.

[Tyler H]

Playing devils advocate here.  Isn't it possible that the grandfather in fact didn't raise her to be like that.  Instead she learned that behavior through peers, significant other, etc...?

 

Without having all the details, why is it automatically assumed that the grandfather had a role in her way of thinking on this particular issue?

 

 

But is it possible that the grandfather raised her peacefully and without religion, but as a free thinking human being, lets say she decided to join a church because she liked the charity aspect of it.  And throughout the years she was brainwashed by other members of this church, people she considered friends, to think that "gays are bad".  In this case, is it still her father's fault?

 

 

If he did all those things correctly then wouldn't it stand to reason that his daughter would not be susceptible to being brainwashed by a church?  Parents don't have the right to expose their children to toxic people; if he allowed his daughter to be subjected to people that would have such a negative effect as to lead to her current mindset, then the grandfather still has some responsibility.

 

I don't think a finger can be pointed and fault designated, but neither can absolution be granted.

[PatrickC]

" I think I'll take this moment to say goodbye to you. I now have a fabulous (as the gay put it) grandson to raise, and I don't have time for heartless B-word of a daughter. [if] you find your heart, give us a call."

 

This parting line is essentially meant to shame his daughter into accepting her son. Which is interesting because the daughter had mentioned previously that there was a,

 

"shame in the family"

 

Referring of course to her own son's sexuality. Given the letter has now gone viral I can only imagine that making it public, was as a means to heap yet further shame upon the mother. And in turns it has served the self-aggrandisement of the grandfather.

 

It's certain that  'shame' rather than negotiation, are the only way this family attempts to resolve conflicts amongst them.

[RyanT]

 

 

Given the letter has now gone viral I can only imagine that making it public, was as a means to heap yet further shame upon the mother. And in turns it has served the self-aggrandisement of the grandfather.

 

It's certain that  'shame' rather than negotiation, are the only way this family attempts to resolve conflicts amongst them.

 

Yep, looking at it again can't help being reminded of this haunting image, 

 

[RyanT]

ooops double post.

[PatrickC]

As a corollary, I don't always think shame is necessarily always a bad thing to do. It can be quite appropriate in circumstances where negotiation has completely broken down. The troubling thing about this letter, is that it offers an 'all or nothing' solution. But more particularly that this is a letter from her father and not her son, who she so egregiously treated.

 

I can see how the son (grandson) could well feel the same about his mother too. But any bridges that were left open between them have now been burnt down by the grandfather. He has in effect escalated the conflict and perhaps caused a potentially lifetime stalemate for this family.

 

Despite the rhetoric this letter has not helped his grandson in any way whatsoever.