I talk about myself too much

[Shea Roberts]

Hello everyone. This is the first time I've posted publicly about this so I hope it'll make some sense. I've come to realize that when I engage in conversations with people, whether they be friends, co-workers, family members, etc. that anything that they say I respond in a way that relates to something I did, or I experienced. For a long while I did not realize this about myself, but over the last few years I've been pursuing self-knowledge and trying to work on many aspects of my life.

 

While I wasn't an only child, my siblings were much older than me (they're my half siblings from my father's first marriage, and are 9 and 11 years older than I am). And when my parents divorced when I was nine, I became an only child living with a working mom. So I spent a lot of time alone. I suffered from low self-esteem as a child and was bullied through school (I was overweight through my entire childhood). I was so nervous to even talk to people in any setting. I couldn't talk to people over the phone unless they were my family or friends. When I would be at social events, I generally kept to myself and often people thought I was stuck up because I never talked to anyone. When I had to give speeches in school I was so nervous I'd stumble and shake. I hated being the center of attention. It wasn't until I got a job as an ESL teacher living abroad, where I would have classes of up to 12 students or more, that I broke out of this nervousness about talking to others. I gained a lot of confidence with speaking in front of large crowds, and now that sort of thing doesn't bother me in the least bit. I actually enjoy doing entertaining things in front of crowds.

 

I also now have no issues engaging in conversations in social situations. In fact, I happen to think I talk too much and dominate conversations. It feels weird when I am in conversations now because we'll be talking and when the other person is speaking, I try my best to listen, but I often don't find what they are saying particularly interesting. I want to find what they say interesting, and with a few people I've become genuinely interested in it, but overall I just don't. I've gotten better at not interrupting people and listening in general, but I still seem to always bring the topic back on myself. The more knowledge I gain of this the more self-aware I am in conversations. I know that asking people questions is a good way to engage them and not myself, and I do my best, but I still always seem to have to give my opinion or relate it to my own experience. I'm not sure if this is a subconscious way of trying to empathize with the person or not. And while I've known that I do this for quite some time, I still end up doing it and only realizing that I do it afterwards.

 

And with people younger than myself, I find that I often give advice, even when it is not asked of me. Although I rarely fluff myself up or toot my own horn so to speak. 

 

I've asked some friends and co-workers that if I talked too much and they either didn't give a response or just said that I was a "good conversationalist" and always had something to talk about.Perhaps I am being paranoid and looking too much into it? I wonder why I always seem to feel a bit of guilt after having conversations with people. But I find it difficult to make friends on a deeper level than just the acquaintance level. And I feel it is because I cannot connect deeply with people because I talk about myself too much.

 

I know that I don't want to do this, but it just seems difficult to have a two sided conversation. I have gone through days where I don't engage with people much just to avoid getting into the same situation again but I find that makes it worse. If the best way to get better at something is to practice it, how come I still do the same things? Any insight is helpful. Thanks for reading.

Shea 

[TimotheCook]

What I gathered from reading is that when you engage in conversation, what the other person says is uninteresting to you for whatever reason. At that point you begin to talk about yourself. Then you begin to feel some sense of guilt for 'hi-jacking' the conversation. When you asked your friends and co-workers they didn't give you much feedback.

 

Personally, I don't see the problem in changing the subject if a conversation gets boring. I actually have the opposite tendency, where I allow and encourage the other person to speak about them self. That's because I have doubts about what I get away with saying and because of issues with trust. Because of this I often ask questions people aren't willing to answer, or can't answer right away for whatever reason. This leads to some tense and awkward silences before they respond.

 

It seems to me like continuously talking about yourself keep the other person from having an active role in the conversation.(They can't really say anything contrary to it because they don't know you very well, so their in a passive role, in which they can either nod and comment here and there or ask you to elaborate further on something.) This keeps the conversation from becoming challenging.

I'm going to speculate and say that there is something frightening for you when a conflict occurs in conversation. By keeping the conversation 'safe' you're protecting yourself from that fear and the pain that may come after it. I think that is really cool.

 

As for having a problem solving mind set as apposed to a empathetic and understanding one, I would suggest looking into how you perceive the other persons needs when they say something. If you continuous offer a solution, which tends kill conversation if the person isn't looking for one, it seems you think the person is telling you about a problem they're having. A problem could be a difficulty or an experience.(that's a bad way of saying you don't have to look at it as a problem to be solved.)

I find that if you can trust a person to conjure up their own solutions then just listening to whats troubling them can be helpful. By exploring the situation, understanding what at first is confusing, and staying curious you can help them understand their problem better and in turn they will make a better decision because of it.

 

My questions for you are:

What about what the other people are saying is uninteresting?

Is there anything you fear might happen if the conversation doesn't go well? As in you challenge a person and they become defensive or don't respond at all.

How do you perceive the other person's need in the conversation when they are talking about them self?

Can you trust the other person to take the responsibility of finding a solution to their own problem?

 

I would suggest you find out what talking about yourself accomplishes and work on confronting whatever fears you may have. Then doing what you fear and seeing what happens. But of course don't do anything stupid.

Thanks for sharing and I hope this helps.

[In the belly of the beast]

TimotheCook gives some excellent thoughts above.

 

It feels weird when I am in conversations now because we'll be talking and when the other person is speaking, I try my best to listen, but I often don't find what they are saying particularly interesting. I want to find what they say interesting, and with a few people I've become genuinely interested in it, but overall I just don't. I've gotten better at not interrupting people and listening in general, but I still seem to always bring the topic back on myself. The more knowledge I gain of this the more self-aware I am in conversations.

 

Why are you interacting with people who you find boring?  What happens when you bring up topics that interest you (whether they be philosophy, economics, psychology, or something else)?  Do you think of these people as intelligent and emotionally mature?  If not, why or why not?

 

 

Perhaps I am being paranoid and looking too much into it? I wonder why I always seem to feel a bit of guilt after having conversations with people. But I find it difficult to make friends on a deeper level than just the acquaintance level. And I feel it is because I cannot connect deeply with people because I talk about myself too much.

 

What kind of conversations did you have with your family growing up?  Did you find your family to be boring to interact with?  Were there plentiful conversational "landmines", or could you speak relatively freely?  How do you know?

You may also want to listen to FDR 2578 "Bored of Boredom" (iTunes release on Jan. 5, 2014).  Stef talks at some length of "lack of connection" being one possible cause of boredom.

[GYre0ePJhZ]

Many speak about really boring bullshit which I find impossible to even fake interest in if I wanted to do that. It is ok to be a little dominant in conversations and change the subject if it is not satisfying. Conversations are constantly ongoing negotiations over topic, depth, power-(a)symmetries, presentation-and establishment of identity etc.. You do have a lot of power regarding those things.

 

Questions I enjoy asking to expand the depht are "Why is this topic important to you? Why is that band so important to you?" etc... The answer always reveals a lot about your conversation partner and something I usually find interesting to listen to regardless of what the actual answer is. Another one is: "Tell me more about that particular view/argument/thing/person" (that you in fact found interesting yourself while listening). It is also interesting to disagree where you disagree and to challenge where you think opinions are not nuanced enough. Makes you feel alive and gets the blood boiling a little. Often, anxiety kicks in for me before asking such questions, but I have most of the time been happy I did it after the conversation for different reasons. Anyways, I think honesty is the most important thing to have in mind, and be conscious of it if you choose to not be.

 

I don't know if this was helpful, but those would be my 2 satoshis.

[Pepin]

It is important to pay attention to people and what they are telling you with their body language. Adjust to it. Use your empathy to understand what the other person wants. It is like when you are talking to a girl who is interested in you, and you get the sense that she wants you to keep talking... Or the reverse.

 

I can go on talking for a long time about complex ideas, but whether I do or not depends on if the person wants me to. Some people like hearing me talk a lot because I make it interesting and have a quite unique perspective. Others like to have more of an interplay, or control in the conversation, in which case the roles flip and they become interesting and unique. It depends on the person, how they process information, and their interests. If you are unsure if you are taking too much conversation space, just ask the person.

 

The only real problem I have is that I am OCD in terms of completion. If I start explaining an idea, I need to explain it fully. If I tell a story, I can't leave it without the ending.

 

One thing to be careful of are people who lack assertiveness and who likely had the sort of mother that made them listen to all her problems and ideas without interruption. They will likely not put out the proper body language, but you should be able to tell.

 

Another helpful tip is to act as if you are narcissistic and selfish. Read some Ayn Rand if you want some clarity on the validity on this, but essentially your life does revolve around you. Be aware of your values and what you are getting out of an interaction. What I find is that if I value the person, the most I get out of the interaction is from that person and not myself.

 

This doesn't always apply because the person may only want to get something from you, especially if you have expertise they don't. I am very good at philosophy, so when I talk about it with a friend who isn't as well versed, the conversation will be focused more on my thoughts and ideas than their's. I am not very knowledgeable of LGBT subject matter, so when talking to a friend who knows a lot about it, the entire focus is on her thoughts and ideas and not mine.

[Shea Roberts]

Thank you all for the replies and insight. TimotheCook's was especially enlightening.

 

I've been reading through RTR and it is helping a bit.I enjoyed the podcast on boredom the first time through, but it was worth a second listen. I've found just discussing the topic with others and getting your feedback has helped me tremendously. 

 

It's interesting, TimotheCook, that you mention about active and passive roles in conversation. In the past, I've been a passive person, so it could be a coping mechanism to have some sort of dominance, I suppose. I know I hate being interrupted, because even if it is unintentional on the other speaker's part, I feel they are trying to shut me up and don't care about what I say. Perhaps I've developed the same strategy as to not be steamrolled myself anymore.

 

I've noticed in many cases when passive people start to become more assertive that they can overcompensate and seem to swing in the other direction. I've noticed this about myself in many areas. Being bullied and made to feel inferior to others built up over time and when I got a bit of confidence I started to dominate in certain areas.

 

It's not that I really find others boring really, perhaps I just don't share a lot of common interests with people. I've felt this way my entire life. Even with people I considered my best friends growing up, we had a lot in common, but there were things I liked that no one around me seemed to like either, or even understand why I liked it (and now that I think about it, they never really bothered to dig deep into why I liked these things).

 

I've always hated verbal conflict, and while I've gotten better at handling it, I still get a sort of irrational "seeing red" feeling if someone challenges me on something (not minor things, but if work I've done is attacked, or if they try to undermine me in front of others). It seemed that while I'm normally well spoken and intelligent, I get extremely defensive if people attack me. I used to take everything personally, even if it was not. Again, I've gotten a lot better at recognizing the difference between legitimate constructive feedback and verbal abuse.

 

When other people talk about themselves, I often am interested for a bit but soon lose focus and my mind tends to either think of other things or something that I can say in response to them (without having let them finish first).

 

When it comes to giving unsolicited advice, it's usually just to people younger than myself. For example, I have a co-worker who is 4 years younger than I am who has problems getting a girlfriend. He's a "nice guy" and never takes anything beyond friendship level with women. He doesn't understand how to build sexual attraction. And while I am far from perfect in that realm myself, because I've been in his position before, I want to tell him what works and what doesn't work and how he should talk to girls. Keep in mind he always brings up the topic of how he can't get women. He doesn't ask for advice but I always start my response with having been in his shoes and here's what I learned. He doesn't seem to believe me much or just kind of is like "yeah, I guess". It almost seems like a waste of time, so I've really just given up talking to him about it. I don't know if he was just not wanting to listen, or didn't like the fact that I was giving him advice without being asked. Perhaps that's a long way of saying that I don't trust him in particular with solving his issues, because I had at least had girlfriends by the time I was his age, so I felt he needed help. If that makes any sense? 

If all of this sounds like bullshit, please let me know, these are just my thoughts. Thank you all again for the helpful responses!

[Devon Gibbons]

"When it comes to giving unsolicited advice, it's usually just to people younger than myself. For example, I have a co-worker who is 4 years younger than I am who has problems getting a girlfriend. He's a "nice guy" and never takes anything beyond friendship level with women. He doesn't understand how to build sexual attraction. And while I am far from perfect in that realm myself, because I've been in his position before, I want to tell him what works and what doesn't work and how he should talk to girls. Keep in mind he always brings up the topic of how he can't get women. He doesn't ask for advice but I always start my response with having been in his shoes and here's what I learned. He doesn't seem to believe me much or just kind of is like "yeah, I guess". It almost seems like a waste of time, so I've really just given up talking to him about it. I don't know if he was just not wanting to listen, or didn't like the fact that I was giving him advice without being asked. Perhaps that's a long way of saying that I don't trust him in particular with solving his issues, because I had at least had girlfriends by the time I was his age, so I felt he needed help. If that makes any sense?"

 

 

~~~~~~~~Are you in a relationship now? He could think you ingenuous if not.

 

Have you watched Stef's video, "Putting off Procrastination"? From what you said I would guess you weren't listened to much as a child, with some of your feelings being unheard.

[n25an]

replying to the original topic...

 

stupid idea... but have you ever thought that you are selling yourself short...  you see this as a problem... it could be that  you are just way too mature for your company... and maybe even yourself... 

 

don't try to force the relationships...

 

just listen to others... and then respond accordingly...

 

not according to how you were treated...

 

but according to how others wish to be treated...

 

each person according to their needs.

 

not according to your wants...

 

and if you fail fuck it...

 

no ones perfect...

 

fuck em if they can't take a joke...

[cynicist]

I also now have no issues engaging in conversations in social situations. In fact, I happen to think I talk too much and dominate conversations. It feels weird when I am in conversations now because we'll be talking and when the other person is speaking, I try my best to listen, but I often don't find what they are saying particularly interesting. I want to find what they say interesting, and with a few people I've become genuinely interested in it, but overall I just don't. I've gotten better at not interrupting people and listening in general, but I still seem to always bring the topic back on myself. The more knowledge I gain of this the more self-aware I am in conversations. I know that asking people questions is a good way to engage them and not myself, and I do my best, but I still always seem to have to give my opinion or relate it to my own experience. I'm not sure if this is a subconscious way of trying to empathize with the person or not. And while I've known that I do this for quite some time, I still end up doing it and only realizing that I do it afterwards.

 

And with people younger than myself, I find that I often give advice, even when it is not asked of me. Although I rarely fluff myself up or toot my own horn so to speak. 

 

This is interesting, I've been the same way in the past. I think it certainly could be empathizing, like you are conveying a related event to show that you understand. You need to be careful around people that you genuinely don't find interesting though. What I mean by that is pretending to be interested when you are not. I've led people on like that before when I was bored internally, it's manipulative and will lead to some very uncomfortable situations later. 

 

If you aren't interested in the person and you start talking about yourself, it's usually for validation or vanity. Don't do it.

 

I know that I don't want to do this, but it just seems difficult to have a two sided conversation. I have gone through days where I don't engage with people much just to avoid getting into the same situation again but I find that makes it worse. If the best way to get better at something is to practice it, how come I still do the same things? 

 

I was raised by a narcissist so this is a challenge for me. The way I approach it is to try and be honest. If someone starts talking about fishing and I feel my eyelids getting heavier, I'll just tell them I find fishing pretty boring. I might ask them what they find interesting about it if I'm genuinely curious, but I'm certainly not going to sit there and let them talk to me about lures... If they are just really boring people then I make my escape.