My current therapist doesn't feel like the right fit

[Horseradish]

So, in the last two weeks I've been feeling that I haven't been delving deeply enough into my feelings. And when I go to therapy, it feels helpful but not very deep, like I am scratching the surface once every two weeks and that's it. My instinct is that my therapist is not the right fit for me. When I am in the waiting room and she comes around the corner, I feel a bit hesitant, not excited to see her.

 

But then if I think about not going to her anymore, I think "but she has said a lot of useful things" and I will think of various things I have liked, and then things that were deep. And I think "how will I end it?". I worry that she will wonder what she did wrong. Or I think that she will think I am dropping her as a therapist quickly and suddenly which is how I have done some things in the past, like when I moved out of my parents house, or moved out from my roommates/friends.

 

I wanted to really delve into my feelings this weekend, so I went to do the first meditation in Homecoming by John Bradshaw. And it says: "Do not do this exercise if: You do not have your therapist's permission". I thought I would just do it, and then I saw this and felt helpless - how will I ever start feeling my childhood feelings?

 

My doubt about my therapist became stronger as I was reading The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller in the last few days. I was reading about the dangers of an unprocessed therapist treating her clients as subsitute parents. And I was thinking of how at the very beginning of therapy I told her I wanted to work through Homecoming by John Bradshaw. And in the first and second session she mentioned it and that she would try to get a copy, and hasn't mentioned it since, and neither have I. A few sessions ago I thought "well I don't want to work through this book for now, it's on the backburner, so that's fine". But as I was reading Alice Miller, and she talked about how clients of unprocessed therapists will find themselves able to follow the unconscious wishes of their therapists, and I wondered if I stopped wanting to work through Homecoming because it was her unprocessed desire? And right now I find I really do want to work through this book, and I felt frustrated because it says I shouldn't do it without my therapist's permission.

 

Oh, also, I saw my parents last weekend, and before I saw them I told my therapist "I would like to bring up some of my issues from childhood with them this weekend" and she said "To what end?". I answered "I don't know... actually I think I would like to tell my Dad that it bothers me when he worries about me". I wanted to add these recent events in case a) seeing my parents influenced me to not want to see this therapist or b) my therapist saying "to what end?" really affected my feelings about her, or both.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts? I want to follow my instincts, which would be to no longer see this therapist, but I am worried that I am wrong, and I am worried how to end a therapy relationship (I have seen her since beginning of January this year).

[MMX2010]

I have no experience with this, and fear that my reply may be just dead-wrong, but why can't you just end the relationship by "just ending" the relationship?  I picture ending a relationship with a therapist as simply no longer going, and instantly looking for another one.

 

Sorry if that wasn't helpful. 

[jonschnee]

I must say I'm a total newbie on this forum, and people might have had similar things going on with their therapists as you have, and maybe this advice has been proven not very useful but, I was thinking,how about you share the same things you shared here with your current therapist? you can read to her exactly what you wrote here.see how she reacts and how it's making you feel. and then decide if you want to continue seeing this therapist.you can also, while still meeting this therapist, start looking for a new one. you can always ask for a second opinion. go see another therapist and share what's really been bugging you with this new person.

[Horseradish]

I have no experience with this, and fear that my reply may be just dead-wrong, but why can't you just end the relationship by "just ending" the relationship?  I picture ending a relationship with a therapist as simply no longer going, and instantly looking for another one.

 

Sorry if that wasn't helpful. 

Thanks, I think you definitely might be right. I feel like I owe some sort of reason, maybe it's a fear of judgement. With my past friendship with my old roommates, I keep thinking back to what they think of me or say about me now, and then I remind myself that I don't need to care what they think or say anymore.

I must say I'm a total newbie on this forum, and people might have had similar things going on with their therapists as you have, and maybe this advice has been proven not very useful but, I was thinking,how about you share the same things you shared here with your current therapist? you can read to her exactly what you wrote here.see how she reacts and how it's making you feel. and then decide if you want to continue seeing this therapist.you can also, while still meeting this therapist, start looking for a new one. you can always ask for a second opinion. go see another therapist and share what's really been bugging you with this new person.

I have thought about saying this to her, but then I think that I am denying my own feelings by going back at all. But maybe not, maybe going back and being honest about all this is how to gain certainty. Because if I am honest about all this and she is accepting of all of it, that would be a good sign. But when I write that last sentence what pops into my mind is more shallow sessions and me not delving deep.

 

I have also thought of going to another therapist at the same time, but then I think that if I felt the need to do that, there is no point continuing with my current therapist because it would mean I definitely didn't trust her.

 

Thank you for responding.

[Prairie]

Thanks, I think you definitely might be right. I feel like I owe some sort of reason, maybe it's a fear of judgement.

I think this is a very important aspect of having a therapist: you don't owe them anything (other than payment). You don't have to explain yourself, you don't have to consider their feelings, when you stop buying their services they are out of your life and don't have any place to bother you.

With my past friendship with my old roommates, I keep thinking back to what they think of me or say about me now, and then I remind myself that I don't need to care what they think or say anymore.

Have you delved into why you would care what they think or say of you now? My guess would be a sense that they will try to make your life difficult.

I have thought about saying this to her, but then I think that I am denying my own feelings by going back at all. But maybe not, maybe going back and being honest about all this is how to gain certainty. Because if I am honest about all this and she is accepting of all of it, that would be a good sign. But when I write that last sentence what pops into my mind is more shallow sessions and me not delving deep.

This is how I saw it too. Going back, explaining this, and getting a shallow, avoiding response from the therapist would make it easy to end things right there. Having the therapist actually listen would show that the reluctance was due to your own baggage. A danger is that the therapist might not listen but still do things that defeat your assertiveness or trick you into staying and continuing with something you're not OK with. I think that people here tend to value a person's own sense of their situation, so if you decide to go again you can post here about how it felt and let others here help you be assertive in leaving if the therapist tried to keep you from leaving.

[Horseradish]

Thanks Prairie, I think that is very helpful.

 

I think part of the reason I hesitate in just ending therapy is the client consent form, I knew there was something about the client and therapist agreeing to end the relationship. I reread it just now and it says: "Therapy can be terminated at any time by either the client or the therapist. It is important that the reasons for termination are discussed and agreed upon by the client and the therapist." This makes me even more worried. Does that mean I need to go to a session and find a reason to agree to end therapy?

[Prairie]

I just remembered Daniel Mackler's Three Differences Between Therapy & Friendship page which might be relevant.Also going to the therapist and reading what you wrote in your first post is similar to Stefan's approaches of confronting people so that they can either step up or show themselves clearly to be someone who just isn't going to give up their agenda. I see it as a valuable way to get certainty about people's motives and be able to make clear choices without regret. Leaving things hazy leaves choices second-guessed later. I see confidence as an extremely valuable thing to have and cultivate with "experiments" that give a clearer sense of reality (and of course trust in oneself).

"Therapy can be terminated at any time by either the client or the therapist. It is important that the reasons for termination are discussed and agreed upon by the client and the therapist."

The first sentence seems to make clear that either can end it at any time. The second to me is just suggesting that it's usually more beneficial if they talk about termination before doing so, to avoid cases where the client is having something come up that the therapist can help them through. In terms of an agreement, it doesn't say that "therapist and client agree to talk about termination and come to a consensus before termination", just that it's "important". Agreeing that it's important doesn't mean that it's essential or required or one will always take this course of action.I wonder if you could ask the therapist this over the phone "I want to terminate our relationship now. Would that break the agreement/contract I signed?" If they are evasive then you'll have more weight in your decision.

[Horseradish]

I just remembered Daniel Mackler's Three Differences Between Therapy & Friendship page which might be relevant.

I actually had that opened in my chrome tabs for awhile and just looked at it again today, I think it is pretty relevant.

 

 

Also going to the therapist and reading what you wrote in your first post is similar to Stefan's approaches of confronting people so that they can either step up or show themselves clearly to be someone who just isn't going to give up their agenda. I see it as a valuable way to get certainty about people's motives and be able to make clear choices without regret. Leaving things hazy leaves choices second-guessed later. I see confidence as an extremely valuable thing to have and cultivate with "experiments" that give a clearer sense of reality (and of course trust in oneself).

That's very true. And the way I ended my friendship with my former roommates left things hazy, and even at the very beginning of therapy that was one goal I talked about was honesty so that I can have more clarity when ending relationships in the future. I think that is a good idea, and I will post about it here afterwards.

 

The first sentence seems to make clear that either can end it at any time. The second to me is just suggesting that it's usually more beneficial if they talk about termination before doing so, to avoid cases where the client is having something come up that the therapist can help them through. In terms of an agreement, it doesn't say that "therapist and client agree to talk about termination and come to a consensus before termination", just that it's "important". Agreeing that it's important doesn't mean that it's essential or required or one will always take this course of action.I wonder if you could ask the therapist this over the phone "I want to terminate our relationship now. Would that break the agreement/contract I signed?" If they are evasive then you'll have more weight in your decision.

 

Thanks, that is very helpful too.

[Horseradish]

So I went to therapy this morning, and read my post here. It was a very long read, and very uncomfortable to do since I was reading it directly to her these things I haven't brought up in sessions before. But it felt right, like there was no other option, I definitely couldn't pretend I hadn't had these feelings and just go on with the session.

 

She thanked me for bringing this up, and said that how I feel is really important, even if how I feel is that she isn't the right fit. She responded to some of the things in my post, and we talked about a bunch of things about it, how I felt, and how she felt since she didn't know about this until today. I felt good about what we talked about. She apologized for not bringing up Homecoming, but said I also didn't bring it up so she didn't know how important it was to me, but apologized and said it clearly is. She asked more questions about how I felt about her, and said maybe she is just not the right fit as a therapist. I said it was a kind of instinctive feeling, and that also I felt a unsafe, but that I have also found many things very helpful. She asked how long I had felt this. I said I have only felt this intense urge to not go back for a few days, but I have felt it a little since the very beginning, a fear that she was not the right fit. And I also said that I really didn't like the process of looking for a therapist, so from the beginning I wanted it to be a good fit but was scared it wasn't, so I didn't want to bring up my discomfort.

 

When she talked about what she was feeling, she said she was a bit confused, because she did think we had gone pretty deeply into my childhood in the past few sessions. I agreed, because we had, and said that was part of my mixed feelings. She apologized for moving too fast, or for directing things too much, and asked if I felt rushed along or pressured into anything. And I said I didn't, which is true, with everything new she told me ahead of time and said it was a suggestion and we didn't have to do it. She also said that to her therapy is a slow process, and it takes awhile to develop a relationship between client and therapist. We had tried imagery a month or so ago, I didn't feel like I trusted her enough yet to do imagery but I didn't say that, I just said I didn't know if I would feel safe, and we tried it and I couldn't picture a safe place and started crying. She said about that she thought we were just going too fast at the time. I told her that makes sense because I didn't say anything at the time, I felt a long time ago that I didn't trust her but I didn't say anything until now. I also realized at some point that I wanted to apologize for that, because I wasn't being honest, and so I apologized to my therapist for not being honest at the time, and only bringing all this up after the fact. 

 

She also said that maybe she is not the right fit, and that happens. But she also wondered if this was related to where we were in the process, and if it was me resisting. But she said she didn't know, and there is no way for her to know. And I agreed and said that's why I said that I had just seen my parents, that maybe they subconsciously influenced me.

 

My therapist said that she thought it would be a disservice to me if I didn't try other therapists, and she hoped for me that I did find a therapist that I felt really comfortable with. And she said that she would be sad, because she cares for me, but she wants me to find a good fit.

 

She asked how I would feel not having her as a therapist, and I said I would feel okay, a bit relieved. She asked what I planned to do, and I said I wanted to take a break from therapy and do some self-exploring and reading and such for awhile, and then look for other therapists and see how that feels. At this point, my therapist said (and this isn't a direct quote) "what comes to mind for me, since I do want the best for you, is that you feel comfortable retreating and being alone, and I think part of what makes this process so difficult for you is having another person there, because you feel so comfortable on your own". And I thought that was a very important point, because I do find it very easy to kind of "retreat into my cave" and so my desire to work things out without a therapist at all is pretty tempting. So she suggested that when I was processing this and jounalling, to try to figure out why I feel this way, to figure out if it is not a good fit between me and her, or if it's me resisting working through things with another person, or something else.

 

When I said goodbye I felt very sad to say goodbye to her and I was crying. And then I skipped one of my buses and walked a long way instead, and was crying and thinking most of the way.

 

Afterward it felt very good that I had been so honest, that is probably one of the most honest moments of my life, if not the most honest moment. When I got home I found myself typing my first really controversial thing on facebook (someone was talking about how poorly the elderly are treated, and I typed "what about the young who are born hundreds of thousands into debt?"). It felt much easier to say something that I cared about on facebook without worrying what people would think, it feels like a breakthrough in my own honesty.

 

I was also thinking that it's a possibility that I felt unsafe or like I couldn't trust her could have been that I wasn't being entirely honest either, like projection. Stefan has said that dishonest people find other people untrustworthy.

 

I've been crying a lot, I feel very sad actually and now I feel like I want her back as a therapist, but I think it is a good idea to try some other therapists and see how that goes. But I definitely feel a lot of sadness.

[MMX2010]

I can't give any advice here, but I can say that I'm glad you were brave enough to read that post to her.  And I'm glad that you benefitted from the most honest moment of your life. 

[Horseradish]

Thanks It felt really good afterward that I did it.

[cynicist]

Thanks It felt really good afterward that I did it.

 

That is all that matters. If you aren't looking forward to seeing your therapist then you aren't sitting down with the right person. Although you are talking about very intimate things, keep in mind that they are professionals that provide a service for which you are a customer, and if you are dissatisfied then you are just as free to cancel on them as you would be for a dentist that you fear is doing a bad job on your teeth.

[Horseradish]

That is all that matters. If you aren't looking forward to seeing your therapist then you aren't sitting down with the right person. Although you are talking about very intimate things, keep in mind that they are professionals that provide a service for which you are a customer, and if you are dissatisfied then you are just as free to cancel on them as you would be for a dentist that you fear is doing a bad job on your teeth.

 

Yes, some of my big issues are in honesty and in asking for what I want or just in negotiating. So I had these fears from the very beginning, but was only able to express them in therapy now. Which means I am seeing improvements, and I think she has helped me. But I am going to try a couple other therapists to see what happens, and this time I will be able to say what I need from the very beginning, because I have some practice and because I see how hard it is if I don't say what I need or bring up concerns from the beginning. And then I will see how I feel with these other therapists. I don't want to rule out the therapist I was seeing, because I did feel able to read my original post to her.

 

Last year I had a counsellor through work for two sessions that I felt unable to go back to, I cancelled my appointment with the secretary and didn't respond to the counsellor when she called to rebook. After my second meeting with that counsellor I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, I felt like I was too awful to help myself. So that is a stark contrast to the therapist I have been seeing. But maybe there is a therapist that is an even better fit to me, so I will explore that, and see how I feel.

[Mike Fleming]

[Lians]

What an amazing display of courage, Kristi! Is this the first time you spoke truth to someone you consider an authority figure? Perhaps that brought up all the sadness.

[massaki]

 

 

She thanked me for bringing this up, and said that how I feel is really important, even if how I feel is that she isn't the right fit. She responded to some of the things in my post, and we talked about a bunch of things about it, how I felt, and how she felt since she didn't know about this until today. I felt good about what we talked about. She apologized for not bringing up Homecoming, but said I also didn't bring it up so she didn't know how important it was to me, but apologized and said it clearly is

 

I'm so sorry dude but that is bullshit! With im guessing years of training and years of on the work experience she can't tell if her patient was feeling resentful towards her. I just want to say the whole i didnt know it was important to you is also bullshit, if you mentioned it even once in your therapy session that means it is important to you.  Her pushing you didnt bring it up again multiple times in her face after she said she would buy the book, that is emotional abuse, blaming you for her i bet not buying the book or asking to even read your copy to better help you. You had a set plan when you entered therapy and this controlling monster derailed that and made tune to her own objectives.

 

 

 

 

She also said that maybe she is not the right fit, and that happens. But she also wondered if this was related to where we were in the process, and if it was me resisting. But she said she didn't know, and there is no way for her to know. And I agreed and said that's why I said that I had just seen my parents, that maybe they subconsciously influenced me.

 

My therapist said that she thought it would be a disservice to me if I didn't try other therapists, and she hoped for me that I did find a therapist that I felt really comfortable with. And she said that she would be sad, because she cares for me, but she wants me to find a good fit.

 

She asked how I would feel not having her as a therapist, and I said I would feel okay, a bit relieved. She asked what I planned to do, and I said I wanted to take a break from therapy and do some self-exploring and reading and such for awhile, and then look for other therapists and see how that feels. At this point, my therapist said (and this isn't a direct quote) "what comes to mind for me, since I do want the best for you, is that you feel comfortable retreating and being alone, and I think part of what makes this process so difficult for you is having another person there, because you feel so comfortable on your own". And I thought that was a very important point, because I do find it very easy to kind of "retreat into my cave" and so my desire to work things out without a therapist at all is pretty tempting. So she suggested that when I was processing this and jounalling, to try to figure out why I feel this way, to figure out if it is not a good fit between me and her, or if it's me resisting working through things with another person, or something else.

 

When I said goodbye I felt very sad to say goodbye to her and I was crying. And then I skipped one of my buses and walked a long way instead, and was crying and thinking most of the way.

 

Afterward it felt very good that I had been so honest, that is probably one of the most honest moments of my life, if not the most honest moment. When I got home I found myself typing my first really controversial thing on facebook (someone was talking about how poorly the elderly are treated, and I typed "what about the young who are born hundreds of thousands into debt?"). It felt much easier to say something that I cared about on facebook without worrying what people would think, it feels like a breakthrough in my own honesty.

 

I was also thinking that it's a possibility that I felt unsafe or like I couldn't trust her could have been that I wasn't being entirely honest either, like projection. Stefan has said that dishonest people find other people untrustworthy.

 

I've been crying a lot, I feel very sad actually and now I feel like I want her back as a therapist, but I think it is a good idea to try some other therapists and see how that goes. But I definitely feel a lot of sadness.

All of those negative feelings you felt was her just trying to control you.I know that spin so well, i have been controlled like that from my old therapist. She kept trying to "act" understanding while trying to get you to stay and turn on yourself and your own instincts, to make you feel like its not her ,but its you "retreating" from her "great" therapy. 

 

I'm gonna be honest im a bit biased but i have been to like 7 therapist throughout my life and they were crap and they used stuff like this all the time. I had one who never asked me anything and when i became annoyed and asked him to ask me something because for 25mins there was just awkward silence, he asked me "Does the silence bother you?" like there was something wrong with me for wanting to use my weekly hour session to talk about my feelings. lol  

[Horseradish]

What an amazing display of courage, Kristi! Is this the first time you spoke truth to someone you consider an authority figure? Perhaps that brought up all the sadness

 

Thanks, Lians That's interesting. It's not the first time, because what pops into my head is me talking to my bosses at work about issues I'm having, but that is something I've only started doing in the last year or so. It's always scary and usually when I start talking I cry, or am holding back tears but have watery eyes. And it's scary partly because I know I will cry, I can't hold it back unless I ignore the situation, and I don't want to do that anymore. It has been like small practices of honesty.

 

The sadness was like I was sad to say goodbye to my therapist though, like I wanted to go back, that maybe I made the wrong decision. I don't know, I will have to think more about it. I think the authority thing is a good point. And it is probably related to me having seen my parents two weekends ago, where my goal was to be honest with them. And during that weekend whenever I was somewhat honest I would start crying or my eyes would water. (And I say somewhat honest because I still held back at points, I still didn't give the whole truth to my parents that weekend, but it was definitely a large step up, and it felt like a slight change in a pattern, which felt good)

[Lians]

There's a lot more to what you shared with your therapist than simply talking about your issues. It was so honest and vulnerable! The sadness was doubtless triggered by you parting ways with your therapist but was that truly the cause? Maybe the action itself was a symbolic goodbye to a part of you that fears this degree of vulnerability--a part of you that came to be when your honest self-expression was denied to you as a child.

 

It has been like small practices of honesty. [...] I still didn't give the whole truth to my parents that weekend, but it was definitely a large step up, and it felt like a slight change in a pattern, which felt good)

 

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Cliché but true!

[Horseradish]

There's a lot more to what you shared with your therapist than simply talking about your issues. It was so honest and vulnerable! The sadness was doubtless triggered by you parting ways with your therapist but was that truly the cause? Maybe the action itself was a symbolic goodbye to a part of you that fears this degree of vulnerability--a part of you that came to be when your honest self-expression was denied to you as a child.

That's interesting. Like I was mourning the loss of a former part of myself? Can I be sad about losing something that was a good thing to lose?

 

 

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Cliché but true!

Ya, all the small steps in honesty were terrifying but made me feel brave and real. The definitely helped build up to this moment.

This video was really interesting. Is it discussed anywhere else on FDR? I would like to talk about it. I think it is pretty helpful though. I wonder about some of the male emotions stuff. Stefan and Alice Miller are huge believers in feeling your childhood feelings as the only way to heal and become your true self. This video seems to say that not all people are like that (mostly on the male side). I think it's very interesting that men might express emotions in different ways. But I don't know if that is true, or if men are just not "allowed" to express their emotions in our society.

I'm so sorry dude but that is bullshit! With im guessing years of training and years of on the work experience she can't tell if her patient was feeling resentful towards her. I just want to say the whole i didnt know it was important to you is also bullshit, if you mentioned it even once in your therapy session that means it is important to you.  Her pushing you didnt bring it up again multiple times in her face after she said she would buy the book, that is emotional abuse, blaming you for her i bet not buying the book or asking to even read your copy to better help you. You had a set plan when you entered therapy and this controlling monster derailed that and made tune to her own objectives.

 

All of those negative feelings you felt was her just trying to control you.I know that spin so well, i have been controlled like that from my old therapist. She kept trying to "act" understanding while trying to get you to stay and turn on yourself and your own instincts, to make you feel like its not her ,but its you "retreating" from her "great" therapy. 

 

I'm gonna be honest im a bit biased but i have been to like 7 therapist throughout my life and they were crap and they used stuff like this all the time. I had one who never asked me anything and when i became annoyed and asked him to ask me something because for 25mins there was just awkward silence, he asked me "Does the silence bother you?" like there was something wrong with me for wanting to use my weekly hour session to talk about my feelings. lol  

That's interesting massaki, thanks for the response. The book wasn't necessarily my plan, but I did say something like "for example this book is something I want to work through" on the brief description I submitted when looking for a therapist. On my first session I outlined my goals, and the book wasn't part of the goals, but I did mention the book, partly to see if she would be against the book or anything. When she addressed it in our final session, she said that she knew I wanted to work on childhood issues, and she wasn't familiar with the book I talked about so she was using some of the things she knew about (in our first session she said she worked a lot with mindfulness, attachment theory, and emotion focused therapy). Then she apologized for not bringing up Homecoming.

 

I don't know if that changes anything, though, and you might be right massaki. I know that even though I felt sad to go, I still didn't feel like I had some great connection that was deep and powerful. And maybe that takes time to establish? I don't know. I do think I got a lot of help from her, and I think I have improved a lot, I don't think I have come out worse, though maybe I am not seeing something because I can't view myself from the outside.

 

However right now I want to take a break from therapy for a few weeks, but continue journalling and focusing on relaxing and letting myself feel my emotions, and to be curious about them. The video Mike Fleming linked makes me even more worried about finding a good therapist, and I don't have much money, and I have lots of work I can still do on my own currently so I want to do that. But when I go back, I know I am ready to ask for what I need.

[cynicist]

This video was really interesting. Is it discussed anywhere else on FDR? I would like to talk about it. I think it is pretty helpful though. I wonder about some of the male emotions stuff. Stefan and Alice Miller are huge believers in feeling your childhood feelings as the only way to heal and become your true self. This video seems to say that not all people are like that (mostly on the male side). I think it's very interesting that men might express emotions in different ways. But I don't know if that is true, or if men are just not "allowed" to express their emotions in our society.

 

Speaking as a man, it's not true. I mean it appears that men process emotions differently, but I would say that is the result of the society we live in, where men are criticized and ritually humiliated for expressing their emotions. (by other men as well as women)

 

I'd recommend Daniel Mackler's criticism of psychotherapy (video linked below), I had suspected some of what he said but it still shocked me to hear it from an actual therapist. (He has practiced in NYC for 10 years) He's also been on FDR a few times and even hosted the show once or twice. He's a very interesting guy and responds to questions unusually quickly, in fact I just asked him a question about therapy yesterday and got a response today.

 

[Lians]

That's interesting. Like I was mourning the loss of a former part of myself? Can I be sad about losing something that was a good thing to lose?

 

Good thing to lose? I don't know. Personally, I try to avoid qualifiers like "good" and "bad" when it comes to my inner world. It sometimes takes me weeks or months to understand the reasons behind a particularly strong feeling so I'd keep digging if I were you!

[Horseradish]

Speaking as a man, it's not true. I mean it appears that men process emotions differently, but I would say that is the result of the society we live in, where men are criticized and ritually humiliated for expressing their emotions. (by other men as well as women)

 

I'd recommend Daniel Mackler's criticism of psychotherapy (video linked below), I had suspected some of what he said but it still shocked me to hear it from an actual therapist. (He has practiced in NYC for 10 years) He's also been on FDR a few times and even hosted the show once or twice. He's a very interesting guy and responds to questions unusually quickly, in fact I just asked him a question about therapy yesterday and got a response today.

 

Thanks, that is very helpful. That makes sense from what I've seen in society, which is "women cry, and it's ridiculous, but men don't cry at all" which is harmful for both, but worse for men, I think. That video is very useful too.

Good thing to lose? I don't know. Personally, I try to avoid qualifiers like "good" and "bad" when it comes to my inner world. It sometimes takes me weeks or months to understand the reasons behind a particularly strong feeling so I'd keep digging if I were you!

Ya, I was trying to avoid saying it was good or bad, but it does seem like a negative part of me. But I guess that part of me was protecting me for a long time, so I shouldn't assume it was negative.