fractional slacker Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Easter Sunday I witnessed this situation and it made me cringe. I was a guest of the family and did not feel it my place to say anything. The child was 15 months old and not happy. I think everyone has experienced, or at least observed the following situation. You are at at family gathering. It's time to leave. There are many ways this situation can play out. I will illustrate just 2 of them. 1) age 6-17. You are instructed to go hug Uncle Marvin, in which the entire focus of the room is suddenly bearing down on you. Uncle Marvin has giant (possibly creepy) smile from ear to ear as he says come give me a hug. 2) More egregious- being the age is 0-6. Uncle Marvin approaches, picks you up gently tossing you in the air in playful manner and then hugging you. Your attempts to resist are futile. Is this a violation of the NAP?Is this a form of child abuse? When, if ever, should you say something to the parent, to Uncle Marvin? Anything else you want to add is welcome. I know this is minor in the realm of child abuse, but it just occurred to me how frequent this situation comes up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsayers Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Is this a violation of the NAP? Is this a form of child abuse? Yes. Yes. As a guide to this world for those not yet capable to function within it, a parent will sometimes have to make decisions for their child in lieu of their child's input. All other times, a child's consent is still the only component that matters in terms of moral evaluation. Why would Uncle Marvin need the hug of a child? He can make that case to the child. If he's spent time with the child and actually earned the child's trust and affection, he'll likely get what he seeks peaceably. If not, he needs to recognize that the only difference between him and a stranger is that the parents chose to expose the child to that particular stranger. He would have to lack empathy to not understand this and/or choose to put his own insecurity over the child's sense of security. It's a recreation of their own unprocessed childhood trauma; You don't "love me," I'm bigger than you, I'll make you show affection towards me. I think it's much more important than many people would even consider, so thank you very much for starting this conversation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prairie Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Sometimes it's almost like there's a demon running the show, and the adults are just forcing the children to act out affection in order to avoid the demon making all the adults have compulsive negative feelings towards the kid and a desire to hurt the kid. "Make small sacrifices to me and I won't make you feel bad." Of course this demon can be banished by ignoring its commands and facing the discomfort that follows. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fractional slacker Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 Yes. Yes. As a guide to this world for those not yet capable to function within it, a parent will sometimes have to make decisions for their child in lieu of their child's input. All other times, a child's consent is still the only component that matters in terms of moral evaluation. Why would Uncle Marvin need the hug of a child? He can make that case to the child. If he's spent time with the child and actually earned the child's trust and affection, he'll likely get what he seeks peaceably. If not, he needs to recognize that the only difference between him and a stranger is that the parents chose to expose the child to that particular stranger. He would have to lack empathy to not understand this and/or choose to put his own insecurity over the child's sense of security. It's a recreation of their own unprocessed childhood trauma; You don't "love me," I'm bigger than you, I'll make you show affection towards me. I think it's much more important than many people would even consider, so thank you very much for starting this conversation. Uncle Marvin feels (not saying it's valid), via the ABC, he is entitled to a hug. One on one, a parent might find a way to subtly shield the child (she's been fussy all afternoon, etc). In a family gathering, that shielding could be seen as a slight and become the basis for Uncle Marvin to feel embarrassed or humiliated. The parent is in a difficult situation. At least that is what I observed the other day. Imagine a parent at a family gathering making a plea for the NAP in all family situations amongst a bunch of uninformed conformists. Again, a difficult situation. That would essentially be ripping off the band aid of illusion in fell swoop. I suppose if the parent is into philosophical parenting, they would have started this conversation long before the child was born. "You don't "love me," I'm bigger than you, I'll make you show affection towards me."That is the start and foundation for all family hierachy now isn't it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsayers Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 that shielding could be seen as a slight and become the basis for Uncle Marvin to feel embarrassed or humiliated. This was the insecurity I referenced. For a grown man's self-worth to be hinged on whether or not a child he has not earned the affection of will go through the motions of being affectionate is incredibly dysfunctional. It certainly doesn't create a positive obligation for the child or the parent. I feel this begs the question because if we were talking about Uncle Marvin wanting to put his hand down the child's pants because he hadn't been getting any and to be rejected would make him feel humiliated, we wouldn't say this puts the parent in a difficult situation because we know that would be inappropriate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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