Is It alright to be friends for the short-term even if you dont plan to be for the long-term?

[massaki]

I had this friend who i was really close with.  She and her boyfriend began to physically fight with each other, and i opposed it , i also sent her information on it and stuff.  Before that we used to have really great conversations about my life and hers, and she would ask me really deep and unexpected questions.  We both tried to understand each other and stuff. She stopped talking to me after the boyfriend stuff. Its been years now and i was just feeling really upset and i wanted someone to listen to me and care about my feelings which i don't really get anywhere offline, so i called her again, i was crying and we talked for about 2 hours, talking to her really helped me sort out my feelings and stuff.  She is still with her boyfriend and its pretty much the same, she say they haven't been violent towards each other but i doubt that.  I''m really in a rut in my life and i feel like talking to her really helps me feel better about myself. but im conflicted because i know i don't want to be friends with her after i get better because ii don't want to be around that crap. I have no friends right now , so talking to another human feels really good.  I know i cant criticize her boyfriend, and when she was younger her older brother molested her for 3 years and i instantly made the connection with her mom getting a new boyfriend, i think he might have done something to her older brother because it started after her mom's boyfriend moved in with them.  Also i wanted to bring up her mom not being as great as she see's her because she was getting molested for 3 years without her mom seeing any changes in her or "knowing" about it. Also two of her brothers are monsters and the reason she developed empathy so strongly would be to appeal to those uncaring adults and siblings around her who didnt see or chose not to see her getting hurt. Talking to her for the two hours those things popped up and i know if i speak to her about those things she might end our friendship again. I feel like im just listing the negatives so i'll say positives too why , i think this friendship would be good for me. 

 

As soon as i told her i gained weight , she offered to go to the gym with me to workout, and provide support.

 

She talked to me about my feelings ,constantly asked me why,and showed interest in my well being

 

When i told her my struggles i had at college she told me about her struggles so i could relate and feel more comfortable and gave me advice.

 

I talked about my dream of becoming a neuropsychologist and how i want to make a better and non-violent world and about how i thought that the origin of violence is traumatic childhoods. 

 

 So my question is it wrong just to be friends with her for a short period of time until i feel better and start to do better?

 

i think without someone i can talk to about my struggles it will be difficult, because i have no one right now and i live at home with my abusive mother,since i dropped out of college. I'm journaling and meditating  and going on walks, and attempting to eat better. I used to see a counselor ,but he was really bad and all 7 of the psychologist that i saw throughout my life , they all did more harm then good. I have made lots of progress, but i feel its all useless without that connection, with someone who cares for me, its like what is it worth. 

 

[GYre0ePJhZ]

First and foremost I want to say that I feel really sorry about your situation. I felt the pain and the confusion you are dealing with through your words. I think you deserve to have intimate and great friendships from what I can read. I don't want to be as a preachy as I don't feel I have enough people of high quality in my life either, but I hope I can offer something of value to you. But that is up to you to decide.There is a lot in what you are writing so I will give my opinion on a few things. Maybe other can either disagree with me or provide another perspective. I am also afraid I am not presenting my opinions with enough empathy, let me know if you think so, but I here it goes:I don't know what you mean by "alright", but if you mean "good" in an ethical sense, your question is not in the realm of ethics I think. That means whatever you think is alright is alright for you.

 

However, I am not sure whether she is a person of good enough quality with regards to your happiness. I think  she is dysfunctional as evidenced by her abusive relationship with the boyfriend and evasion of acknowledging her mother's failure to protect her from molestation. I also wonder whether it is good for your happiness to be living with your mother.

 

I also have three questions: How attractive is she on a scale from 1-10? How attractive is your mother on a scale from 1-10? Do you want to be in a relationship with this girl?

 

If you feel like talking to someone you can contact me on skype: eppa55. I am not a therapist btw, just a random dude on the internet

[massaki]

 

I also have three questions: How attractive is she on a scale from 1-10? How attractive is your mother on a scale from 1-10? Do you want to be in a relationship with this girl?

 

 

 

She is 7 or 8. My mom is a 1, she is morbidly obese.  I do mentally and physically but no because she accepts the abuse from her boyfriend and defends him, she also can't see the connection of her brother with her mom's boyfriend. Also she has been going to therapy for the last few years and gawd they must suck, From a single 2hour conversation, i made connections about the abuse and her mom not being that great among other things that they couldn't do in years of talking to her.. I don't want the friendship to last ,but i want the benefit of being able to say what i feel and  for someone to be invested in it, and to ask me questions and to try and cheer me up and to be like Dan you can do it.(thats my name btw)  I don't get that anywhere, out of the hundreds of people i talked to, only a few were like that.  I have been trying to get better and i made lots of progress from these 4 months since i quit therapy from that lunatic, but it's not enough I want to get a job so i can move out.  I think friendship will benefit me for the short-term of getting out of this rut and having someone cheer me on, but for the theres  long-term no way i want to keep someone like that around me. I feel like it's wrong because i'm using her basically so i can complete my goal, and then i would throw her away.   As long as i dont bring up her dysfunctions she would be fine talking to me, i guess im buying her empathy or concern for me by my silence. I have had lots of empathetic friends and they helped me a lot, like with cheering me on but they were all dysfunctional. it was usually a specific thing or two that when i saw the dysfunction and confronted them about it, they would get angry at me and attack me and after i while i would get so fed up with it, i would tell them not to talk to me anymore or they would stop talking to me ,like she did. I feel without it i won't be able to get out of this situation that i put myself in. I accept responsibility for this hell whole that im in.  Sadly i  still have this belief deep inside that my mom will change and that she will start to love me and take care of me and help me do better. It's what thought when i had my mental breakdown at college ,but i kept on reminding myself that she hurt me for 18 years and wouldn't stop now, but i went anyway. sorry that i went off topic ,but i was just explaining why i felt i need it,

[massaki]

hey forget it, it was stupid, im not going to do that to myself, i should never invole myself with a dysfunctional person, it wont end well, i wont feel good about it and there is no benefit to it.